InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "Hell to the No"

Juni the unpredictable (junitree) wrote in flippedrpg,
@ 2013-07-24 16:17:00

Who: Juni^baby and Duke^heir.
Where: In town, starting.
When: This evening.
What: Apologies and awkwards.
Status/Rating: Incomplete/We'll see?

Juni had moved out, painted the new flat, and nearly botched a dinner with the mothers. She was now not only a designer but an owner of her very own store that seemed to be doing better than expected. The expectation that she would fail was always there, no matter how confident she appeared to be. She made clothes that made her happy, that suited her mood and not really for anyone else. Where she once sought everyone's approval, she was now seeking approval from only herself, the fear of rejection had slowly died. Now a new fear at settled in her life: loneliness. She had her new husband and Juni couldn't be more grateful for his support even through his own dilemmas. She was missing her girls. She was missing her dad. Juni missed her brothers. She missed her friends and family. It was as simple as that.

Juni knew she had messed up. She tried reaching out but things took time. It was like walking on thin ice, constantly feeling that gut wrenching stab as if she were about to fall at any minute. The girls, her girls, would be the hardest to repair. Things had been shakey as is for Juni. For months she had to deal with them being older or not there at all. Juni had learned to deal with issues of Chris, her mother, Duke...all on her own when she normally wouldn't have back home. She pushed aside her own anger with the girls and backed down to their own feelings. Their feelings mattered more than her own. She wanted things as they once were and yet, she held herself back. Juni knew, after the fact, that she had hurt people and it felt strange. This wasn't who she once was, but at the end of the day, she followed her heart and she was happy. She was honest with how she felt.

Juni had changed and it hurt most that it had hurt others.

Juniper kept up appearances the best she could. It was a gift taken from Petunia. Everything was perfect and yet on the inside, she struggled with guilt. She did not regret the wedding or Bran. It was the consequences of her actions that piled on her. There were people to apologize to and even then, she knew it wouldn't be enough.

Closing up shop, Juni left her store. It was early evening and still rather warm with the sun taking its sweet time in setting. Juni dressed accordingly to the weather: a small, billowy yellow dress and bright red heels with matching red lipstick. The curls in her hair seemed to bounce as she took each step closer to her home. Thoughts ran through her mind as she looked down at the pavement, the rhythm in which she walked slowed as she saw a pair of dark boots. Juni stopped for a moment, hoping she would not walk into the stranger.

With a quick glance upwards, she realized the man that stood before her was no stranger at all, although he might have been at this point.

Duke.

Another person she hurt. A person she hadn't spoken to since she got married. The sting in her gut had deepened. Juni stood there for a long moment before saying anything at all.

"...hey."

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ducere
2013-07-25 01:10 am UTC (link)

Life really was a roller coaster. Up and down, twisting, throwing you for a loop when you least expect it. Then again, who ever expected the craziest parts to actually happen? Duke couldn't have guessed he'd end up as part of some big experiment, meet himself, a daughter, anything that came with it. But like most things in his own life back home, he rolled with it the only way he knew how. Without care - but with plenty of alcohol and drugs to see him through. That was the one thing that never changed. Maybe it was the one thing that could have changed everything.

Pansy showing up, his jacket and dog in tow, was only the most recent of ridiculous events. He didn't know what was going to happen with that, if anything. His refusal to be alone and the wounds he carried deep down, hidden from almost every eye that peered his way made it easier to attach himself to anyone willing to give him attention.

Being back wasn't as fun as partying through American cities, but there was Heath and the shop, Amie. Most of a settled down life that he could always leave temporarily. The shop wouldn't fall and neither would the station; there were enough people to keep both going, with or without him. So he didn't mind taking breaks, opting to smoke outside with a bottle in one hand and a cigarette in the other. It was nice outside. Peaceful in a way no one expected him to enjoy.

As he inhaled, he heard a pair of heels clacking in his direction. No, he couldn't distinguish the exact walks, but he could just imagine what was attached.

Only he didn't think it was that particular blonde. Juni. He couldn't remember the last time they spoke but he knew they were on good terms before the marriage. A drunken-high, last minute shindig he could see himself pulling off. But not her.

Juni, he thought, would be the girl in the perfect white dress, every detail of her wedding planned so that nothing would, hopefully, go wrong. With an open bar, non-stop dancing and all her friends and family, what could have gone wrong? That was only what he imagined, though. Not reality. Not there.

Leaning against the wall not far from the shop's front door, he took a sip of the booze before she said anything.

"Hiya…" It took a lot of effort not to add on a simple 'beautiful' or 'sunshine' or even a much snarkier 'nice ring.'

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junitree
2013-07-25 01:41 am UTC (link)

Duke. A close friend and an almost damn near something more important than just a friend. Juni personally kept distance between the two for the simple fact she did not trust herself with him. She had gotten to know him quite well, in and some moments, seeing his vulnerable side when he seemingly didn't give a fuck about anything. Juni knew he cared a great deal about certain things and when it came to her, she simply didn't know anymore. Juni loved Bran, she was married to him. Things had changed and yet, she still fidgeted with her purse, looking down at the pavement, completely nervous. She hadn't meant to lead him on or hurt his feelings by choosing someone over him.

The wedding was spontaneous and to most, something completely unlike Juniper. Part of her wanted that white wedding and the other wanted the romantic and fun spontaneity of Elvis and bright lights.

"Uhm..."

Juni fell silent, unable to find the words. A knot seized up in her chest, her breathing becoming slightly more heavy than before. A random thought told her to run. She had said hello, which took a lot more courage and balls for Juni than it would for most others. Her body physically jerked against her will, her mind mentally in a fight or flight mode.

He seemed alright and she was momentarily jealous. Here he was, leaning against the wall calmly as she was quite literally freaking out in front of him. Her mouth opened to speak and in that moment, she felt weak. This was Juniper trying to be strong, only to be beaten down by her own guilt. This was why she was the quieter out of the three. This was why no one expected this from her and above all else, this was why people were hurt most. She was supposed to succumb to them and not her own feelings and her own gut.

"I-.."

Her voice cracked and already she could feel the tears welling up from within.

She couldn't help but to feel sorry for everything, especially this, no matter how happy she actually was.

Shaking her head, she took a step forward, in motion to give in to her flight mode.

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ducere
2013-07-25 02:04 am UTC (link)

After everything they had been through - the innocent flirtations, the proclamations of feelings, the eventual closeness and breaking of hearts - she went and got married without saying a word. They had been best friends and it was clear they could have been more. Much more. It wasn't a one-sided thing; she felt it too, and yet, without any warning there was a picture of the ring and everyone knew they were married. Even worse than finding out by opening up his journal and seeing it displayed for everyone was also knowing they hand't told anyone else. It didn't just hurt him. It hurt her best friends who were already hurting and made it seem like no one could be happy for what would typically be a very happy thing.

It sucked all around. Duke got the whim thing and enjoying the happiness even as it struck a chord in his heart. He couldn't blame them, not really. So he chose to ignore it and flee the country for awhile.

But now here she was, unintentionally right in front of him and filled with more tension than he'd ever seen. Even when he had her against the wall, pushing her to pick him. Gods, the fuckery never ended.

Duke was Duke, though, and instead of showing that he hurt, he drowned feelings beneath strangers in his bed, a few bottles a night, and friends who could pet his hair. With the situation so close, however, he couldn't ignore it any longer. Especially not when she sounded and looked like she was about to start crying at any second. Why the fuck was she even about to cry in the first place?

Tucking the cigarette between his lips, he reached out and caught her by the arm before she could leave. No. She couldn't walk up to him, say hi, start crying and then run away. That wasn't going to solve anything.

"Juni…" Duke chewed on a piece of his lip as he thought over what to say. He put down his beer bottle to free a hand for the smoking since he wasn't letting her go, just in case she really did try to run. "…God dammit, you got fucking married."

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junitree
2013-07-25 03:05 am UTC (link)

Teeth clenched as she felt the grip of his hold around her arm. It was like an unintentional game of tug of war. A constant battle of burying feelings that always seemed to rise when he was around. He wouldn't let her go which made her feel even more guilty set in a foundation of confusion. Juni winced as he spoke, not so much as the words, but his tone. Holding in her breath to stop the waterworks, she tried not focusing on his tone. Angry. Possibly hurt. Disbelief. Disappointment.

"Yeah...I did."

She couldn't look at him. Turning in slightly, her shoulders raised higher than normal. What could she really say other than the truth. Juniper Rose Lupin was now her name and everyone had to accept it for what it was. Even Juni. Juni fought to find her strength, to stand up to his anger. She couldn't tell if his anger was coming from the heartbreak or from him expecting better of her.

There was nothing she could say to make anything better. It became clear to her that if Bran ever had a threat, it was Duke. She didn't want to explain why she was close to tears, not to him, not to Bran, not to herself. Her deep-set blue eyes glanced up slowly, locking with his. Lips curling inwards, she shrugged, her shoulders falling in defeat.

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ducere
2013-07-25 03:19 am UTC (link)

Duke let go once he realized she wasn't leaving. He didn't understand why she was so upset because she wasn't giving him anything to go off of, only a confirmation of what he already knew. Instead she stood there, giving him that look, shrugging like she didn't know what to say, but really, what could he ask for? An apology would sound too much like regret and he was sure there wasn't any of that. Saying nothing didn't lessen the pain, though.

"…Sorry I haven't congratulated," he said after a moment, flicking the ash from his cigarette as he looked away. It didn't please him to see her hurt, to see her buried in the pain from everyone else's emotions about her decision. Duke wanted everyone to be happy. Unfortunately, he also really wanted to be that happiness for everyone.

Holding back his own feelings and thoughts about the situation, he turned back to face her. "You happy then?"

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junitree
2013-07-25 04:30 am UTC (link)

Juniper caught her breath as he looked away. The sharp smell of his cigarette lingered in her nostrils that oddly calmed her down. It was familiar. "Nobody has been congratulating, not that I can blame them."

She admitted the way in which she got married was brash in one subtle sentence. Juni couldn't and wouldn't regret marrying Bran. He had done nothing but love her and support her in the way a husband should. It was very them against the world.

And yet, Juniper couldn't the pull she felt from Duke without him having to do anything. He asked the question and all she could do was look down at the pavement. "Yeah, I mean its not perfect but...he's been really good to me." Which was all Juniper could ever want or need. "Its been a little rough lately but we've been moving right along."

Juniper couldn't look him in the eye as she said this. It was easy to say she was happy to everyone else because she simply was. Bran made her happy, but when Duke did as well in his own way. The feeling was something she couldn't handle, no matter the situation. She loved them both and she made her decision. Even though her decision was made, she could not let go of the love she held for Duke and that was something she could not tell him, or anyone.

Falling silent, she continued to fidget with her purse.

"I'm sorry."

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ducere
2013-07-25 04:52 am UTC (link)

"Yeah, well, s'what happens when you go and get hitched." He couldn't admit it was lovely and perfect in its own way. The fact that he understood made it worse. Especially because that's maybe how they would have done it, had it ever gone that far. He was the safe, stable guy she was going to marry and have a daughter with. Bran had shown up and stolen not only the girl, but his style as well. And the whole time she was caught between them. Duke didn't blame her. If there was a sliver of a chance he wanted to have it; if Bran ever let things slip, he'd be there.

It wasn't going to happen. He had no hope for it actually occurring. But that changed nothing. Neither of them wanted to ever firmly say no to the other, to the possibility.

"Moving right along..." He mumbled around the cigarette before taking another drag. What did that mean? A whole life, he imagined. But it wasn't how he wanted someone to describe the married life. Then again, he avoided that route for a reason. Moving along wasn't the same as feeling infinite and limitless. If he ever married anyone, that's how it'd be. It'd be worth it. There wouldn't be apologies and crappy feelings, he'd make sure of it.

Taking a long breath to straighten out his thoughts, he slipped one hand into his pocket and shrugged. "Was a surprise to say the least." He dropped the short butt and crushed it with the heel of his boot. "Whatever. It's done now, yea? Nothin' anyone can do." Now he was starting to feel it, the need to run away, leave the situation.

He needed to get away and get something heavier in his system, something that'd make him think about anything but.

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junitree
2013-07-25 06:08 am UTC (link)

Juniper wanted to ask how it was possible to love two completely different people. She wanted to tell him it wasn't fair, it wasn't fair that he had to pick her out of everyone he had ever crossed paths with. The young blonde found herself wanting to yell at him for not being angry, for being so casual. It was these exact thoughts and feelings that made her feel sick. Betrayal. Guilt. She shouldn't have been feeling this way but it was how it had always been. Duke had opened her eyes when it was too late and there was no way for her to ever go back.

Part of her wanted to hear how hurt he truly was just so she could know she was not the only one feeling the way she did. Juniper tried to find the words but the heaviness in her heart kept the girl from opening her mouth. They had reached the point Juniper never wanted to reach. Saying anything meant the end of everything and selfishly, she couldn't let go.

Instead, her eyes locked with his once more. Her sorry meant something more and she was sure he knew it, or at least hoped. I'm sorry I love you too. I'm sorry I can't let go. No words could be said. Nothing came to mind but the very three she said she would promise to say to another. She had a somber expression on her face as her eyes searched his face for something other than I love you.

Nothing else came to mind.

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