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Tweak says, "love actually is the worst"

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toma. ([info]soriddled) wrote in [info]flippedrpg,
@ 2012-11-06 21:25:00

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Entry tags:ch: can: albus potter, ch: swap: toma riddle, p: emmy, p: kit

Who: Toma Riddleswap & Albus Pottercolor
What: A confrontation.
When: 6 November; Evening
Where: The beach cabin they're sharing.
Warnings: TBD, unlikely.

Toma was not happy. As a matter of fact, she was very much so frustrated and on edge. She'd thought she'd been making the right decision when she'd effectively alienated Albus after telling him she didn't want him to follow her to whichever world she and Mr. Gamma went to when this project was over. It wasn't strictly true, per se, but she didn't want every Potter on the compound warding her trying to change her mind. Didn't they know how easy it was for her to make the selfish choice? How it was the natural thing for her to do to tell him to forget everyone else and follow her?

Well, it did not matter because Toma had already made up her mind and no amount of convincing or insistences from various Potters were going to change her mind. This was how things had to be and this was how things were.

This wasn't really like her at all. She could say with certainty that this had never been a problem she'd ever had to face before. She'd never had anyone in her life that she'd needed to care about before and now, suddenly, there was Oscar and ... Albus and, sometimes, Helena (though she still had mixed feelings about Albus' daughter with some random woman, even though she liked the small child well enough herself). What had happened to the days when her only pursuit was that of power and knowledge. What happened to her search for immortality and the control she'd held over other somewhat like-minded, yet weaker, individuals. Here, they all knew everything about her. Here, her charms and manipulations couldn't work. Here, she was the ten-year-old girl fresh to the compound from Wool's again.

Frowning to herself, Toma packed her few things into her tote bag to take them back to the compound where she was planning on sleeping for the remainder of this world. It was obviously not a good idea for Albus to be around her because it made him make ridiculous decisions so she was going to make a space between them. Shouldering her bag, Toma turned to head out..


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[info]soriddled
2012-11-08 01:46 am UTC (link)
Toma let her tote bag fall as she used her hands to emphasize her frustration. Her composure broke and her voice rose—normally she had those things so under control. "Why are you Potters so relentless?" she cried out. "Why do you insist on making the worst decisions ever? Your father lets himself be beaten to a bloody pulp trying to get into Alpha, your mother confides in my horcrux and nearly gets herself killed, your grandparents die adamantly fighting me and you, you stand there and vehemently argue against me when, for once in my life, I am doing what's right. Why in Merlina's name won't you let me help you. I can't change what I will do in my natural future. I can't choose not to kill the people I kill. I can't change that I hated my parents or that I spend my entire life alone but here I can make new choices. Yet you fight me tooth and nail at the first opportunity I have to do good. Why?"

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[info]justordinary
2012-11-08 02:00 am UTC (link)
"You aren't doing the right thing!" He retorted as his arm dropped to the side and he looked at her with his glistened over eyes. "How is pushing me away the right thing! It isn't. You are trying to tell me what is the best decision for me when I know that it is not! I am going to spend years resenting myself, feeling guilt because I am too much of a coward to support my decisions, and likely still be convinced that I've done nothing but disappoint my Father! That is my natural life! Do I believe that now? With everything we have here? No. I know I was unjust in my feelings, I no longer feel as if I am no one, and I know I am not a coward; because I have fought damn near every single person here about this very subject and now you are making me fight with you on it!

Why is it I have to convince you, too, that you deserve to have someone love you?"

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[info]soriddled
2012-11-08 02:08 am UTC (link)
Toma stilled, her expression teetering between confusion and neutrality as she internally waged a war on her lack of composure. "You shouldn't love someone like me, Albus. I will only let you down." Because that was what it all boiled down to, right? Her father had let himself die because he couldn't love her enough to stay alive for her. Her mother had turned out her father and Toma the same night she'd been born because Toma couldn't be loved enough to be kept in spite of her father's mistakes. She'd been forever alone at the orphanage because the men and women who came through there couldn't love her enough to give her a real home. The professors and her knights hadn't cared for her, only what she could do and what she could give them and, much like the newcomer's Machiavelli, she had lived a life where it was better to be feared than loved.

Letting Gamma act as her father was one thing but this ... how could he possibly think he could defend his claim to this. "There is no fight because that is an absolute. I am not the one who deserves love. I am not the one who receives it. I am Toma and what I deserve is just me. Just me, Albus. Thinking otherwise will be a losing battle."

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[info]justordinary
2012-11-08 02:17 am UTC (link)
"You can't say that. We don't know what anything about our futures if we maintain what we have become in this compound. If we keep our memories and if you just let me go with you, we have know way of knowing the future. It will unfold in front of us and we will be able to experience it, together. And if you let me down? That will only prove that I did care for you, because how could you let me down at all if I didn't? But I don't think you will, and I am willing to try. If you don't open yourself up to the possibility of feelings and emotion then you can never experience it, whether good or bad," he found himself stammering, almost with desperation in his voice.

"I don't believe that for one moment," he said, quietly, when she finished speaking and he didn't dare look away now from her, regardless of the knot in his throat or the swell of tears building in his eyes.

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[info]soriddled
2012-11-08 02:22 am UTC (link)
"I can and I am. It's been historically proven even if I completely my course for the future right now. Wherever I go, I won't be erasing my past. I don't want to erase my past, not all of it." That was how it was. Nothing he said or hoped would change the fact that she had let people down repeatedly in her past. "Why are you so absolutely and stupidly stubborn, Albus?" she asked, voice as quiet as his. She refused to acknowledge the wetness in her own eyes.

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[info]justordinary
2012-11-08 02:26 am UTC (link)
"I haven't said we should," he whispered, as he bit down on his inner lip, trying to suppress it from quivering. "In, fact, you are the one I should. You want me to go home and erase everything that happened here from my memory. That erases my past, and my happiness," he continued, his voice maintaining the same level of volume as he had begun.

"I'm a Potter," he responded, retorting back to her earlier claim of them all being relentless. They were stubborn and he didn't want to give up.

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[info]soriddled
2012-11-08 02:31 am UTC (link)
Toma was somehow out of arguments but she wasn't done insisting that she was right. Didn't he understand what she was saying? She was unloveable and if he tried to change that, he'd be disappointed because it couldn't be done. "I don't want to hurt you, Albus. I've done a lot of hurting in my seventeen years and I'm not sorry for all of it but I'd be very sorry if I hurt you. You are my exception and that alone is why I'm telling you to go home." She closed her eyes, breaking eye contact because she couldn't do it anymore. One more argument and her resolve might break and that would be entirely unhelpful for him and his well-being.

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[info]justordinary
2012-11-08 02:35 am UTC (link)
"Toma, you are hurting me," he spoke, his voice cracking with the words, and he reached backwards, his back pressing against the doorway, finger tips gripping at the structure, holding it tight in his hands. "The idea...the very idea of forgetting you...that is the most painful thing I have experienced. I don't want to forget. I don't want to lose that. I don't want to lose you."

He let himself suck in a breath and then dared to say the words his Father had spoke the night before. "And I don't think you want to lose me either."

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[info]soriddled
2012-11-08 05:40 am UTC (link)
"You're just proving my point, then. I'm trying to help you and yet I'm hurting you, instead. I try to do good, I do bad. I intend to do bad, I do bad. This is how I am, I am not a good decision for you," Toma persisted, grasping at straws. She was starting to forget what her point even was but she had to keep fighting anyway because she'd adamantly believed he couldn't be happy following her and that had to have been important.

Looking away from him this time, she let her gaze fall to the floor. "We're discussing you and your choices. What I want or don't want is irrelevant to this discussion."

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[info]justordinary
2012-11-08 08:32 am UTC (link)
"We are discussing us," he corrected, feeling damn near close to defeated. "You are discussing how you want to do right by me, because you think it is the right thing to do, but it isn't. This isn't bad. My desire to be by your side is not bad. It is good, Toma. It shows just how good you are even if you think otherwise. If you were as you feel you are, if you were truly bad, I wouldn't want to be next to you. I wouldn't want Helena around you. If I actually thought you were capable of harming me, we wouldn't even be where we are right now, because I wouldn't have written to you all those years ago."

He cast his eyes away then, his throat clenching at the final words, as he tried to take in a steadying breath. "I don't want to be alone," he then spoke through, even though his throat was tight and his voice cracked with the words. "I'm alone all the time there. I don't have...I have friends but...it isn't the same. And I don't want to be alone again," he forced, before letting his hands push himself off from the doorway, turning his body so he was no longer inside of it, instead pressing his back against the hallway wall, unable to see her as he slid down and pressed his face into his hands.

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[info]soriddled
2012-11-09 05:33 pm UTC (link)
As Albus took the few steps required to leave the room, Toma was incensed. They were discussing nothing if he left the room and, while she wanted him to let her go so that he could make the right decision, part of her inexplicably could not let him go. She wanted to win, wanted to be right but she didn't want him to leave. Never before in her life had she felt so conflicted. All of her emotions and thoughts had been very clear. She'd never once had to question her intentions or her desired outcome or what was best for her. Now, though ... well, as she'd said, Albus was her exception.

A second after he'd left, Toma followed him out and, hands on her hips, said, "You can't just walk out in the middle of a conversation. Our discussion was not finished." She'd been aiming for a tone that chastised his actions but instead of sounding miffed, she just sounded hurt. Merlina, she didn't recognize herself anymore.

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[info]justordinary
2012-11-09 05:42 pm UTC (link)
He gripped at the strands of his hair, holding them tight in his hands, while his palms shielded his face from view. Tears fell freely against his skin, hot against his face, and he tried to catch his breath in those very few seconds that he had solitude from the argument. He didn't know what he expected. He ran from confrontations at home. He hid from them if they were going to make him upset or he just held onto his anger, speaking his mind freely regardless of how heated the conversation would get. But he couldn't do that now. He couldn't hold onto anger with her because it wasn't a matter of being angry. He was hurt, he was frightened, and he was confused.

Lifting his head, he looked up to her. He had no excuse for his retreat and he had no way of pushing back how exposed he now looked. He never wanted Toma to see him vulnerable as he now looked.

"I'm sorry," was what he did say, in response, not even trying to give an excuse. An excuse was pointless. How could he give one? He didn't want her to see him this way. But she had followed him and seen anyway. An excuse was irrelevant. He pushed his palms down onto the floor and forced himself to stand once again.

He wouldn't continue this by being some weeping mess on the ground. He rose, looked her dead in the eye, and found her couldn't summon any further words. He had caught her tone. She was hurt too. Why was this so hard on them both?

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[info]soriddled
2012-11-09 05:48 pm UTC (link)
"I don't want your apologies," Toma chided, "I want you to not do it. If you have something to say, then say it. Otherwise, end the conversation some other way than just walking away." She wasn't really intending to be harsh though, really, she kind of naturally was, anyway. It was just that she was being honest and she wanted him to be, too. She didn't want excuses, she didn't care if he was vulnerable because she'd already proven that that was something she wasn't interested in taking advantage of. She legitimately cared what was on his mind.

Care. There was that word again.

Toma pursed her lips and filled her presence in every ing of her height as she met his look right on. Tilting her chin up in subtle defiance, she asked, "What?"

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[info]justordinary
2012-11-09 05:57 pm UTC (link)
He didn't look away from her even as she spoke about his action. "I still give it," he said, with far less strength then he had at the beginning of all of this, and he found his head cocking to the side when she tilted her chin up. The question was so simple. It was direct and yet it was was not, all at once.

"Don't go," was how he chose to answer it. It was what was on his mind. It was his point. He didn't want her to leave. He didn't want himself to leave.

And, with a sense of almost desperation intermingled with foolish Potter courage, he stepped forward toward her, his hand reaching out, cautiously, to let his finger tips brush against the back of her hand. He knew her boundaries, he had known them even as a child, and he didn't wish to step over them, but he wanted the gesture to still be understood.

He didn't want her to go. "Please."

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[info]soriddled
2012-11-09 06:06 pm UTC (link)
Toma felt the heat rise at the back of her neck as Albus' fingers brushed against her hand. Her natural reaction was to pull away, to be averse to even the simplest of touches but, this time, she did not. On the contrary, she twisted her hand to tentatively wrap her fingers around his. Voice softened and brow furrowed with an expression of conflict playing at her features, Toma shook her head once as if trying to sort her thoughts and said, "You're still making a bad decision."

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[info]justordinary
2012-11-09 06:11 pm UTC (link)
He let his hand close, his thumb brushing gently back and forth against her skin, as he continued to hold her hand. For the first time since the days prior, he gave the smallest shift of a smile. His head shook in disagreement, but only in a subtle direction, as he whispered, "Only time will tell."

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