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Tweak says, "Will you be my friend?"

_rebelrebel (_rebelrebel) wrote in flippedrpg,
@ 2012-09-07 23:04:00

Entry tags:

ch: knap: james potter, ch: knap: sirius black, p: annalisa, p: veetee

Who: James, Sirius ^Knap
What: More honesty time
When: Friday afternoon
Where: Hogwarts tunnel
Warnings: Angst?

He knew that he shouldn't wait too long to tell James after he had told Lily everything. It was best that they were all on the same page, and that Rodolphus had as little time as possible to try and use his secrets against him. He knew that if Rodolphus found out that he'd told Lily, but not James, he'd try and use that too. And, in all honesty, he was hoping that, with having told Lily so recently, it would be easier to tell James as well. Which certainly didn't mean that he wasn't worried. He was. It wasn't easy disclosing the things that he'd spent the last six years keeping secret. But he kept telling himself that it was all for the best.

He was curled up in one of the tunnels that they had discovered, his wand lit at the end. It wasn't exactly the most comfortable place he'd ever been, but it was private. He waited until James showed up and was seated across from him, and then decided to just go for it. James knew that he had to tell him something, and he couldn't abide the idea of any sort of small talk in the mean time.

"I did cheat on Lily," he said first, looking fixedly down at where his hand was balanced on his knee, avoiding James' gaze for the time being.

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_rebelrebel
2012-09-08 06:43 am UTC (link)

It was hard to hear everything splayed out in the open. He wanted to cringe away when James leaned forward, but he knew that there was nowhere for him to go. They were pressed tightly up against the walls of the tunnel, and short of actually leaving, there was no way that he could avoid James.

"I am them," Sirius half-whispered when James said he was afraid of being like them. And that was the truth of the matter. He had been foolish at sixteen to think that he could run from them. He couldn't. Because the darkest part of them was always inside him. And he could never escape that, no matter what he did. There was something implicitly rotted about him; there were plenty of people who could have walked into that library, read the same things he had seen, gained the same knowledge he had, and not made the same decisions. But he had a natural inclination toward it, a propensity that was foolish to ignore.

And that was the scariest part of all of it -- and that was what Rodolphus claimed time and time again, and it was always most difficult when he was speaking the truth: They had merely shown him what he had always the potential to be. There'd been little forcing on that spectrum. He'd walked through that door on his own, and Rodolphus was right; he never knew what was inside his head now, and what could come out to hurt James and Lily again.

He was never happier than when he was pretending things were normal with them. The night of drinking with James and Remus -- he'd finally felt sane again, comfortable in his own skin. But it was because he was pretending that those years hadn't happened, that he could just strike them out. And he couldn't do that, no matter how much he wanted to.

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staghearted
2012-09-08 07:05 am UTC (link)

"No, you aren't," James said. "You're afraid that you are, but you aren't. The person you are chose to leave them behind, when you had your own free will. They kidnapped you, and tortured you, and turned almost all the love inside you into hate. It must have hurt like hell, thinking Remus and I had tried to kill you. I think that made you turn to them just because they were horrible, dark, twisted people, but at least you hadn't ever trusted them the way you trusted me. Because it's one thing when someone you dislike tries to kill you, it's another thing entirely when it's the people you trusted most in the world."

That was the difference, in James's mind, between Lily's reaction and Sirius's. Lily had simply forgotten every bit of trust between herself and James; Sirius remembered more than enough of it. Fear, torture, confusion; that had nothing on betrayal. And Sirius knew what it felt like to believe that James had killed him, he must think James felt the same way after Sirius had tried to kill him.

He didn't, though. Because his judgment hadn't been messed with, and he saw the whole picture. "You went down into the darkest part of yourself because you wanted to hurt me as much as I'd hurt you. Because the worst dark magic imaginable isn't even enough to hurt me that much, is it?" He gave Sirius a slight smile. "Well, that's really kind of flattering, honestly. Heartwarming, even. Because I would've felt a bit stupid going to the ends of the earth looking for someone who didn't care as much about me as I do about him."

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_rebelrebel
2012-09-08 07:35 am UTC (link)

Sirius could feel the gnarl of emotion that sat tightly in his chest still. After awhile of being with Bellatrix and Rodolphus, everything had just been reduced to anger; he couldn't process anything about how he'd felt about James and Remus, because he'd just been too angry.

But if he tried to press himself, to remember far back enough, into the parts that started to bleed away, the bits that were still blurred -- he could remember that feeling of devastation. That feeling of being utterly wrecked, when Bellatrix had persisted at telling him that James and Remus were trying to hurt him. The memories were mostly frayed, and he knew now, it had to be because he never believed her. It had taken persistence and wrecking his head to get him just to cross over from desolation and into anger. And after that, he hadn't looked back -- or hadn't been allowed to look back. And so he'd done whatever he could -- or was allowed to do -- to cope with that terrible rage that had sat heavy on his chest all the time.

He felt overwhelmed by what James was telling him now -- he couldn't even recognize what he was feeling, much less begin to convey it. So instead, he merely leaned forward, and wrapped one arm around the back of James' shoulder, pulling him close. He shut his eyes and just held James for a moment, as if afraid he would suddenly disappear.

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staghearted
2012-09-08 07:54 am UTC (link)

James was prepared to argue it further, if he had to; he was ready to be accused of being delusional or naive, because it was true he'd just made an attempt to kill him into a warm and fuzzy story. Lestrange most definitely would have called him delusional, but even if James was letting his belief in Sirius sway him, even if it was a little bit biased and a little bit a story to make them both feel better-- what made his story any less real than the one the Lestranges had told? He was by far the more reliable source.

But Sirius didn't argue, and that was how James knew he was right. He shifted, moved into the embrace. It was a bit awkward in the enclosed space, but he didn't care; he ended up leaning against Sirius, head resting against his best mate's shoulder, both arms around Sirius's waist.

This was why he wasn't running away. Because even when Sirius was at his lowest, when he was in the darkest place he'd ever been in, James still understood him. And that was important, because the understanding between them didn't come from any invasion of privacy or manipulation, and it wasn't guesswork. James had understood Sirius from the moment he'd met him on the train, because they were alike, and the things that Sirius had in common with James were the things that his horrid family couldn't take credit for. James didn't understand Rodolphus Lestrange, not in the same way, because they were nothing alike; as long as he still understood Sirius, it was absolute, conclusive proof that Sirius was not them. At least, it was all the proof that James needed.

He was silent for a long time, and then reached up and tousled Sirius's hair affectionately. "I knew you were going to try to kill me, you know, before you even got here," he said. "The other you, the one from baby world, he told me that was what he'd have done-- didn't even surprise me, really. And I figured the secret you were keeping was something like that, too. Can't put anything past me, Pads."

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_rebelrebel
2012-09-09 12:36 am UTC (link)

Sirius shut his eyes for a moment when James hugged him back. He knew that he kept getting scared, and that he was probably going to keeping getting scared, but he also did believe what James and Remus had been telling him from the beginning -- that they would all get better. That, maybe, one day everything would be okay. It was still strange to think that he and Remus had a daughter of some sort together in the future, but it had, in an even stranger way, become some sort of good future to work toward.

There was no denying that it hurt to hear that James had expected him to kill him. It wasn't what he wanted to hear, even if it was the truth. And he also couldn't help but hear some quiet measure of dread, because James had done nothing -- because he was so utterly idiotic sometime.

"Love you, Jamie," Sirius murmured, pressing a kiss against James' temple. "No more secrets. I promise. Anything else he tells you is a lie."

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staghearted
2012-09-09 01:47 am UTC (link)

James smiled, tightening his hold on Sirius's waist. He hadn't really been joking when he'd told Sirius that he required a lot of hugs and cuddles to keep him happy; he'd felt truly, utterly miserable with the distance between them ever since Sirius had shown up. Things were still hard, but they'd closed that gap.

And James was, for the most part, healed. His pain in this whole mess had been simplest to heal of all; he just wanted Sirius and Lily back, and now that they were, hardly anything else mattered. He still ached for them when they hurt, and got angry on their behalf, but he was alright. He could be here holding onto them until they were alright, too-- he could be solid, that was what Lily had called him.

"You're allowed to keep secrets, Sirius," he said. "It didn't matter that he knew that and I didn't, he still doesn't know you as well as I do. I don't give a shite what he says, because no matter how fucked things are, you're still my brother. And I trust you."

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