InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "COME FLY WITH ME"

_rebelrebel (_rebelrebel) wrote in flippedrpg,
@ 2012-08-28 00:09:00

Entry tags:

ch: knap: remus lupin, ch: knap: sirius black, p: emmy, p: veetee

Who: Sirius and Remus^Knap
What: Sirius wakes up after his encounter with Rodolphus
When: The next morning
Where: Remus' dorm
Warnings:ANGST.

Before Sirius even had opened his eyes, he was aware that he had a splitting headache. He wanted to groan, but was too wary of hearing any sound at all. He pressed one hand against his forehead before tentatively opening his eyes. Everything was blurry for just a moment -- but it was enough that he could tell that he was in his own Gryffindor dormitory. His own bed even. He didn't know how he had gotten back here, but he didn't know if it mattered for the moment.

He closed his eyes again and fell back against the pillows, letting his arm fall over his face, blocking out the bit of light that was filtering into the tower. His other hand went to check that his wand was still in place. He had suspected that darker spells wouldn't work against Rodolphus -- they hadn't against James -- but he had brought it along anyway, unwilling to relinquish his best weapon.

Anger swelled inside his chest again at the reminder that Rodolphus was here -- that something had happened between the two of them last night and that clearly Sirius had lost, because he couldn't remember exactly how things had drawn to a close.

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_rebelrebel
2012-08-30 03:20 am UTC (link)

Sirius couldn't help but react defensively, because he wasn't exactly sure how else to react in the face of everything that James and Remus were throwing at him. That this was all a team effort, that they were all together -- as if killing Rodolphus would be some kind bonding experience. As if they had been there the entire time he and Lily had been trapped in Grmmauld Place. As if they knew all the things the he had done.

He shrugged himself into a sitting position, his back pressed up against the headboard of the bed.

"I want answers," Sirius replied, his voice just as taut as Remus; he realized that he wasn't even exactly sure why he had went. Because he couldn't not. "I wanted to hurt him."

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atamewerewolf
2012-08-30 03:33 am UTC (link)

Remus was quiet as his eyes remained in Sirius. The entire situation had him on edge, irritable, and strung tight. If he weren't in the compound, and if Rodolphus were this close to him in their world, he would have shown the dark wizard the end of his wand. He would have thrown every hex he had learned over the years at the man, sending him below the ground, where he belonged. But he could not do this. Not here. This felt as though he were being taunted and having his will tested.

"Do you think I did not want answers too?" He asked in as cool of a voice as he could manage. His eyes shut for a moment. "So it was worth risking him hurting you?"

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_rebelrebel
2012-08-30 03:47 am UTC (link)

He knew that he couldn't possibly say that the Lestranges hadn't also hurt Remus and James. They had torn apart the Potter family and irrevocably altered the course of Remus' life -- but it was Lily and him they had held hostage. It was Lily and him they had tortured, erased their memories, altered their memories, lied to, kept from their friends. It was Lily whom they had scared, and it was him who they had continued to entice to become the son his mother would have always been proud of. It was their freedom that had been snipped away strand by strand, their sanity that had been beaten down brick by brick.

He thought he deserved some answers first. Sirius scoffed, looking away from Remus for a moment.

"Why would it not be the risk?" Sirius asked. "He's clearly done worse before."

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atamewerewolf
2012-08-30 03:51 am UTC (link)

"That makes it worth giving him the chance to do it once again, if not even more?" He returned, a pain in his voice that he had not expected. "Just because it has happened once does not mean you give oppurtunity for it to happen again."

His head fell back and he glanced upwards at the cieling. "He has fucked with your head before. He could have made you believe any sorts of thing," he stated, the final part quieter, as though he truly feared that.

And he did.

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_rebelrebel
2012-08-30 04:05 am UTC (link)

"What's once more?" Sirius asked, shrugging one shoulder absently, but he couldn't manage to look at Remus while having this conversation. It was too difficult. Especially when he wasn't entirely certain he knew what he was saying -- or if he even meant what he was saying.

"And you assume that he was already out of my head to begin with, Remus," Sirius pressed, his words containing a bit more bite. Because he couldn't help it -- because he terrified of what Rodolphus had told him: that some part of him still wanted to hurt James and Remus. And if that part was true, then it didn't really matter how often Rodolphus was in his head the entire he was in the compound, because that single idea was the one that was most dangerous.

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atamewerewolf
2012-08-30 04:19 am UTC (link)

His eyes flashed to him and he focused on him for a long time, noticing how the man kept his gaze away. Unfolding his arms, letting them drop to his side, he moved from the position he was in to around the other side of the bed. Once there, he reached out, pressing his finger underneath of Sirius' chin to force him to look up into his eyes.

"You do not mean that," he said, his voice on the edge of a growl, and then his hand retracted. "Yes, I do. But I do not assume his influence is gone," he then stated as he stared him down.

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_rebelrebel
2012-08-30 04:28 am UTC (link)

Remus was suddenly too close; SIrius didn't pull away, although the immediate impulse was there. His jaw tightened a little, and that certainly had to be visible, what with how close Remus was to him. He tried to hold Remus' gaze, but he wasn't too good at this particular game any more.

"Well you'd be right on that one," Sirius said, his voice rougher than he thought it'd be. As soon as he spoke, his eyes darted back down, because he couldn't stand this duality -- this need to keep Remus and James at a distance, because he was so afraid of them seeing into what he actually was. But also that pervasive fear that continuing to hurt them was only a blossom of the very simple concept that he was supposed to be killing them. He felt manipulated no matter which way he turned, and he was exhausted from it.

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atamewerewolf
2012-08-30 04:36 am UTC (link)

"It doesn't have to be," he then said, though he didn't retreat from the space. He had no issue with being too close. He did not. He felt his chest rise in a frustrated way when Sirius averted his gaze again and he looked away himself.

"I wish you wouldn't have gone," he finally said, his eyes examining the wallpaper now, as if it were far more interesting. "Especially without saying," he added, before shifting to take a seat at the end of the bed, placing space between them.

His hand draped up onto the railing of the bed and he draped his head down, shutting his eyes. He did not know how to go about this conversation properly. It exhausted him on every possible level.

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_rebelrebel
2012-08-30 04:47 am UTC (link)

Sirius felt some small sense of relief when Remus sat down. He looked over at him, his gaze quiet and brief, as if he was wary of being caught looking at Remus too long when he seemed so vulnerable. It felt strange in some way that he could do this to Remus, make him this upset and frustrated.

"I needed to," Sirius said finally. His voice wasn't quite as defensive. He intended it to be an explanation, even though he knew that James and Remus wouldn't necessarily see it as one. Maybe they couldn't understand everything that had happened, but Sirius had needed this meeting to happen, despite any risky to himself, and that was the best that he could say at the moment.

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atamewerewolf
2012-08-30 04:57 am UTC (link)

"Yeah, yeah, I know," he said, his voice tensing up as he stared ahead. He had been trying to fixate on the action and getting answers out of Sirius, for it seemed the easiest way, because it was a lot easier than fixating on what he had been the entire night. How entirely frightened he had been about what Rodolphus could have done. What could have happened. The man could have shut down Sirius' mind completely, made it so he would not remembe anything or anyone, and that had made his stomach ache and his head throb.

But he knew Sirius needed to. He knew it so well and he hated that. He hated that Sirius felt the need and he hadn't been able to stop him. Sighing, his head leaned forward, and he threaded his finger tips up through his hair, gripping at the strands.

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_rebelrebel
2012-08-30 05:06 am UTC (link)

It was harder, he thought, when Remus' anger was suddenly gone. That spurred his own anger and left him defensive. Without that, he wasn't entirely certain what he was supposed to feel.

He felt a bit guilty, and he felt a bit loss, because he didn't like looking at Remus when he was so upset -- and worse was the fact that he knew, once upon a time, he would have known how to handle this. He was pretty damn sure that there had never been anyone that could make Remus laugh just like he could. But he didn't know how to be that person anymore. He didn't know how to make Remus happy.

He wanted to apologize, but he wasn't sure if he would actually mean it -- and he knew well enough that a halfhearted apology would be insulting to Remus. So instead he tentatively reached out, resting his fingertips against Remus' shoulder.

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