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remus lupin is not a pawn (atamewerewolf) wrote in flippedrpg,
@ 2012-08-22 01:31:00

Entry tags:

ch: knap: remus lupin, ch: knap: sirius black, p: emmy, p: veetee

Who: Sirius and Remus^knap
What: Well, they need to talk about the playground world too.
When: A good while after Remus' talk with colour!Sirius
Where: Sirius' Unit
Warnings: Nah

Things hurt less at the age of sixteen. He didn't have a complete knowledge of how his life had panned out and how people expected it to pan out years later. He didn't have a road map that was supposed to guide his experiences. Expectations were not present and he had been able to just enjoy being young. He was carefree in those few days and genuinely happy, for he had gotten the one thing he wanted at that age. And yet, as soon as his memories were in tact, he had come close to sheer panic, afraid that those few days had destroyed months of joy without someone else. When it was evident this was not the case, and he had calmed to a point, he was able to venture onto the journals.

Hogwarts. Oh, goody.

Still, he knew he couldn't avoid things. Not anymore. There was no avoiding the Sirius of his youth and his world. He had a feeling they were going to have more than a few things to speak about, which was why he did not refuse the proposition of talking. Still, he was anxious, uncertain where this was going to lead. He just hoped Sirius was okay.

He knocked upon the door, taking a step back. No longer did he look like a sixteen year old boy, in second hand clothes that were just slightly too big for him. No, he was back to his ironed slacks and pressed shirts, a hat resting on his head. Suave Moony. An entirely different man, molded by twenty three years of experience and travels. "Sirius," he spoke allowed to indicate whom was awaiting an answer, "it's Remus."

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_rebelrebel
2012-08-22 05:39 am UTC (link)

It was almost startling when he heard Remus outside the door, but he didn't hesitate. He opened the door immediately, and it struck him again how different they were in age from whom they had been. He'd thought that the first time he'd seen Remus, unaware of his age. But it hit him all over again now. He thought that it had to be the same with him though -- his hair was longer, a mess really, and if they had been at home, Lily probably would have started to threaten him with a pair of scissors. His tattoos were spattered across his body again, a line along his collarbone, and a matching pair on each of his forearms. He was sure that his face was still red from crying all over James, but there was nothing to be done for that.

"Remus," Sirius managed to say, opening the door the rest of the way so that Remus could come in.

He knew that this had to be just as weird for Remus, which was probably the only consolation he had. But he also knew that the longer they waited, the worse it would be -- and he knew now, after everything he felt while he was sixteen again, he didn't want to give up his brothers. He couldn't be in a relationship with Remus. That was the long and the short of it, but he needed his best friend so badly, the one that had never been afraid to call him out. He didn't know this stranger who Remus had become, and it was harder to be around him than James in many ways. James was content to pretend that things would one day be as they were; Remus -- Sirius didn't quite know what Remus thought about the matter.

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atamewerewolf
2012-08-22 06:10 am UTC (link)

His eyes seemed to hesitate on the man in front of him the moment the door opened, as if he was surprised to see the difference between youth and adulthood. It wasn't the first time Remus had seen Sirius, in the proper manner, but it still seemed to unsettle him for a temporary moment. His head bowed, and the hat seemed to cover his expressions fully, before he turned it back up and forced a smile forward.

He didn't say anything as he stepped through the door and he felt compelled to remove his hat, as if he were entering someones home and was expected to do so.

He didn't know what to say now. He was more at a loose here then he was in any other situation. Taking in a deep breath, he glanced to him. "Are you alright?" He wasn't going to pretend he hadn't seen the puffiness around the eyes. Pretending wasn't going to help. Wasn't it better to have everything out in the open?

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_rebelrebel
2012-08-22 06:16 am UTC (link)

"As good as I ever am," Sirius answered, and he managed to smile, although it was undoubtedly bitter. And he felt bad the moment he gave an answer like that, because he knew he was evading giving an actual answer - and Remus deserved better than that. He couldn't both decide to want James and Remus in his life and then to keep playing these games.

"James was here when... I came back," Sirius said, his answer honest this time. His tone was a bit deflated, but he knew that Remus had to have already understood a lot of the difficult with him shifting from 16 to 28.

"You?" Sirius asked intently. "How're you?"

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atamewerewolf
2012-08-22 06:20 am UTC (link)

He felt the sense of bitterness but was willing to let it pass. Sirius certainly had reasons to be bitter, especially in this moment. He could have went the bitter route himself but he had been too concerned with making sure his relationship was still in tact. It had been his first and primary concern when he came back.

"He's a good man to have in those moments," he said with honesty and no sense of judgment. His arms shifted, crossing together over his chest as he cast his eyes down.

"I wouldn't say 'good,'" he admitted. No point in lying anymore, was there? He got some of his memories back through that flip, albeit in a round about way, didn't he? At least, he imagined he would have had to.

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_rebelrebel
2012-08-22 06:26 am UTC (link)

James was just a good man in the truest sense of the phrase, Sirius thought, but didn't give voice to it. He was glad that James had been there. It might have been easier to be by himself -- but some part of him had needed James. Maybe he would have sought him out afterward. But he didn't. But the fact of the matter was that neither of them were here to discuss James.

"Yeah?" Sirius asked, glancing up at Remus. He hadn't really known what to expect from Remus on what had passed between them. It seemed now that, maybe, Remus had a similar reaction to him. Not quite sure how to move forward -- or apparently to even discuss what had happened. He didn't feel like the brash one between the two of then anymore (and he remembered that he was the one that had acted first, leaning forward to kiss Moony.) Quietly, he was hoping that Remus would just say it, but Sirius that maybe he should just take a lesson from his 16-year-old self.

"So we snogged a bit," Sirius said. "Need to deal with that, yeah?" He couldn't believe that there was ever a time when he had been good at this sort of thing. But it was out there now.

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atamewerewolf
2012-08-22 06:44 am UTC (link)

His hand moved up and seemed to momentarily cover his face, as his index finger and thumb pressed against the bridge of his nose, eyes closing. Yeah. They did need to deal with that. His hand finally fell and he tilted his head up to look at Sirius, sucking in a very shaky breath.

"Yeah, that was kind of new. Ever. With you," he said, not as articulate as he would have liked, but at least in recognition.

"I feel like we should sit," he said after a moment. Rather, he wanted to sit. It seemed like it would be easier. And with that, feeling at least slightly more comfortable than he initially did when Sirius first arrived, he walked away from him, his hand moving up to remove his hat. He tossed it away, perhaps rather forcefully, and only got a few feet from Sirius before he turned back around to look at him.

"Right. No. I shouldn't...run," which he was man enough to admit was precisely what he was just doing, in some way. "I would have given...anything...when I was that age for that to have happened. Do you know that?" Pausing, he sucked in a deep breath. "I'm not that age anymore, though."

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_rebelrebel
2012-08-23 01:24 am UTC (link)

Sirius sat down on the edge of his bed when Remus made the recommendation, his hands falling in between his knees. (The knees of his jeans were torn, and it was maybe a bit amusing how little different there was in his own apparel since he was sixteen.) He watched Remus, who seemed just short of pacing. And that, at least, was something of a more familiar Remus action.

He glanced up when Remus chose to clarify that they had never done that before. He supposed he should have been relieved -- that he didn't have memories like that that he had lost. He suspected it would have made everything else even harder to deal with -- him being with Remus in some capacity before leaving to be with Lily.

"I didn't," Sirius said, and he was honestly surprised. He'd had no idea at sixteen that Remus was interested in him -- but then, he'd been somewhat naive at sixteen, he knew now.

"Neither am I," Sirius answered, voice low.

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atamewerewolf
2012-08-23 01:33 am UTC (link)

"No, you didn't," he repeated and it looked as though it pained him to say it. He remembered years of minor hopes. The smallest ones. Where maybe, just maybe, Sirius had known or felt the same, but was biding her time. Or too afraid. Or anything, really. He may have given up the hopes but the feelings they had brought remained laced with the memories, impossible not to fill when he thought back on that age.

"That...those past few days...were a dream come true. A former dream," he whispered before moving to lean up against the wall, arms crossed tight still.

"Things were a lot simpler then." He commented, looking to Sirius, but only for a moment. "Sometimes I hate this place. It...it makes things harder then they every should be," he added before sighing.

But he also loved it. He loved it because of the chances he had at a different happiness then his future would dictate. The friends he was able to make. The life he was getting to live.

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_rebelrebel
2012-08-24 05:25 am UTC (link)

Sirius had no idea what he was supposed to say -- he had never thought -- not Remus. Not Remus who was so much more mature than the rest of them, and he couldn't help but be frustrated with what he couldn't remember again. Sixteen was as far as things were clear, and he'd messed around a bit then, of course, but he hadn't -- He hadn't been serious with anyone, and he didn't know what he was supposed to say to Remus to make this remotely okay. Apologies wouldn't be right.

"I know that things won't ever be that simple again," Sirius said, swallowing unevenly; his mouth suddenly felt dry. But he felt he had to be honest, had to press forward. He'd been honest with James today, and he felt he owed Remus the same -- maybe even more. "And I didn't know where we stood when I came here, and I certainly don't know now... But I miss you all the same; I need you as a friend again."

He looked imploringly up at Remus, waiting to see what he would say. He was feeling far too vulnerable, and he didn't care for the sensation at all -- but he kind of guessed that was also how Remus was feeling at the moment.

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