InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "Sleep"

_rebelrebel (_rebelrebel) wrote in flippedrpg,
@ 2012-08-21 23:56:00

Entry tags:

ch: knap: james potter, ch: knap: sirius black, p: annalisa, p: veetee

Who: Sirius and James^Knap
What: Sirius ages back up
When: Aug. 22
Where: James' room
Warnings:ANGST.

His chest hurt. That was the first difference that he noticed. The happiness and simplicity that had filled him for the past few days simply dissipated, replaced by the hollowed sensation. It was tinged with that dank bitterness, with a sensation of perpetual longing. He hadn't known it was there until just -- he had known, known for awhile, that he was different from the other Siriuses. But this was something more than that. This was being different from himself. This was a far cry from the boy of sixteen he had been, and it was strange, to be both himself and to be aware of how terrified he had been of the future that had been stretched out before him.

And it hurt just as much now, to be sitting here, here, his mind riddled with holes, aware of how much he had lost, but also aware of all the mistakes he had made at sixteen. He was hit hard by the memory of what he had said to Lily -- he knew now how much he must have hurt. And Remus -- fuck, Remus.

He looked to his left, at where James had been sitting -- and where he was still. And even that caused the dull ache in his chest to grow, because he remembered how much love he had felt for James, how absolute he had been in his declaration of being brothers. And he couldn't feel that anymore -- even though now he wanted it back more than anything, he had destroyed something between them, something incredibly precious, and something he wasn't sure he could replace.

"Jamie," Sirius said before he could stop the word, a nickname that he had used for James one predating even Prongs. His voice came out broken, and he was crying before he could even stop himself. He hated crying. Always had -- had never seen the point. But his emotions were so deep, so conflicting, that he couldn't even think about stopping himself. He pressed a fist tightly against his face.

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_rebelrebel
2012-08-22 06:07 am UTC (link)

"I let them in my head," Sirius argued, and his voice was lower now, more rough. Because he should have been better -- he had been so convinced when he was sixteen that he wouldn't let anyone separate him from them, and there was no reason that he should have given in. He knew Bellatrix. He knew the wicked games she was willing to play, the depth of the darkness that filled her. He knew that she would want to get back at him. And so why had he ever believed them?

He didn't even notice the use of Pads, or the subsequent apology that it drew from James. He was too intent on his own whirlwind of emotions

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staghearted
2012-08-22 06:28 am UTC (link)

"Don't be stupid, you didn't let them in," James said. He had never been one for self-blame, at least not nearly as much as some of his friends; he was quick to give himself the benefit of the doubt. And he was even quicker to give his friends the benefit of the doubt, especially when they were burdening themselves with guilt. "You put up one hell of a fight, and we both know it."

He didn't need to know what had happened to be absolutely certain of that. Sirius was a fighter, a rebel; he wouldn't just let someone like Bellatrix Lestrange inside his head. He'd let James in, but that was different. Somewhere deep down, Sirius had to know that James could be trusted. Deep, deep down; deep enough that it hurt to dredge all that back to the surface. But it had taken years and a hell of a lot of magic to get Sirius into this state, and he still wasn't beaten into submission.

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_rebelrebel
2012-08-22 06:44 am UTC (link)

It was hard to say --so hard to say because he couldn't remember anything that had happened. He didn't know what they had done to him, or what had eventually made him give in. He didn't even know how well he was behaving for them; if a memory had floated to the surface in the short time he was here, who was to say that Bella didn't have to keep pressing them back down? It didn't make it much easier though.

"I miss you," Sirius confessed, pulling away so that he could look at James properly, tucking one hand behind James' neck. And it was absurd to say that he missed him, because he was right here.

But they weren't who they had been when they were sixteen -- and maybe that was what Sirius really meant, that he missed who they had been, what they had been, when they had been that age. That summer he had come from -- it had been just them. Sirius tasting freedom for what felt like the first time, and the ease of being with James all the time, a brother declared true. He didn't know any of that anymore.

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staghearted
2012-08-22 06:58 am UTC (link)

It wasn't absurd to James to hear that Sirius missed him when he was right here; he had missed Sirius for years, and yet, had never missed him quite as much as he had since Sirius had shown up. It was completely maddening to have him here and not here at the same time, to look at him and see none of the camaraderie returned. Now at least the longing for it was reciprocated, and that was a start, even if it was painful.

"I'm right here, Sirius," he said, hands still on Sirius's shoulders even after his friend had pulled away. He managed a smile, though it was admittedly teary; he felt the tracks the teardrops had left on his cheeks, but made no move to wipe them away. "You don't have to miss me anymore. I'm not going anywhere." He squeezed one of Sirius's shoulders, in a way that he hoped was reassuring. "We'll get it back, everything that we had. Even with who we are now. It's not gone."

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_rebelrebel
2012-08-23 01:16 am UTC (link)

Sirius nodded as James spoke, because he didn't know what else to do. It seemed impossible what James was saying. It didn't seem if there was anyway to regain everything back -- but then, James was absolute in his belief. Sirius knew that (he remembered just how stubborn James could be when he set his mind to something.) And the future was on their side, too. Celeste was proof of that -- and Fleur said that things got better eventually. There was no reason to not believe, but Sirius still felt lost.

"Remus and Lily are going to be pissed at me," Sirius said, trying to change the subject. There was something of a smile on his face, but it wasn't genuine in the slightest. He glanced away from James for a moment, brushing one of his eyes with the side of his hand.

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staghearted
2012-08-23 10:49 pm UTC (link)

It was alright that Sirius didn't believe it. That was half of why James was so stubborn about believing it, to be perfectly honest; someone needed to be optimistic, to keep them all from being dragged down by hopelessness and despair. Sirius and Lily had had quite enough of living in fear and confusion, and the process of coming out of it was hard, but it was for the better. There was so much to be gained, and (he hoped) very little to be lost.

"For what?" James asked. He knew about what had happened with Remus, vaguely; he knew that something had happened while they were younger, but he didn't know the details. Dealing with Sirius was very complicated for Remus, far more complicated than it was for James. But he hadn't noticed anything happening with Lily.

He lowered his hands, but shifted over to bump one of his shoulders companionably against Sirius's instead. Things were complicated between them, too, but the only thing James really wanted and needed was to be friends again, with whoever Sirius was now. There wasn't anything they couldn't sort out, if they could figure out how to get that back.

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