InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "I'll break your face"

Theodore Nott (nottfinished) wrote in finnigans_rpg,
@ 2014-11-09 00:21:00

Entry tags:

character: ernie macmillan, character: theodore nott

Who: Ernie and Theodore
What: Bonfire night redux leaves Theodore a nervous wreck
Where: Ernie's place
When: Saturday evening
Warnings: PTSD, mentions of past child abuse, heavy potions use (is that something I should be warning for? warning for it anyway), panic attacks
Status: Closed/Ongoing

Monday night had been nice for Theo - for someone who had lost his virginity at nine, going on his first date at 24 had been a frightening concept but it had also almost marked off something new for him, that he might not be the broken thing he thought he was and that he might even be able to take some steps towards being normal. He was holding down some jobs and his brain was happy for something new to learn, picking things up with Ravenclaw sharpness the way his mind had usually done. He was happy to be getting some money in so that he could funnel something toward Draco at the end of the week as some kind of rent for being allowed to stay.

And then Wednesday had happened and he'd cowered in that room like a dog to scared to come out from behind the couch, or under the bed as he had eventually had to resort to. It had been embarassing and had almost undone all the progress he'd felt he'd made, but reaching out had actually helped (who was he kidding, talking to Ernie had helped and how strange had that been to discover) and he'd made it to the end of the week with minimal fuss. He'd been sure that he could hold off the panic with the help of potions and some thick curtains over the weekend, but the fireworks were even worse on Saturday, the weather a little better and no one thinking about work the next day.

It didn't take long for Theo to have a panic attack, despite having taken the maximum dose of the strongest potions he was allowed to have, nothing that was actually very strong because of concerns over self-harm should he be given anything that could actually have any real impact. He had flashbacks that went far before the Battle of Hogwarts and he was left jumping at every bang and flinching from every too bright light, a shivering end piece of what he had been just the day before.

Strung out on potions and shaking, he knew the one place where he'd felt safe before, where he'd felt safer even than this sanctuary given to him by one of his best friends and he'd Apparated out of Malfoy Manor with the tell-tale noise of his Apparation, a cut off scream that was more than uncomfortable to hear. He reappeared somewhere close to Ernie's place, unseen, and drew himself up to Ernie's front door, knocking at it restlessly and without rhythm, hidden away under a grey cloak and dressed all in over-large soft clothing, trying to soothe him as much as possible and clearly not doing a very good job. His hair was a mess and he still started at every percussive noise. Shaking and semi-high, there was nothing composed about this Theo at all.

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nottfinished
2014-11-16 05:50 pm UTC (link)

Theo watched Ernie's arm move over the sofa but he didn't leap away. He cringed back when Ernie's lifted hand came towards him, but while he didn't lean into Ernie's hand he didn't move away any further when Ernie pushed his hair back, or touched his face. He didn't move his head but flicked his gaze over to the wall again in a wary, uneasy glance as Ernie reassured him of his safety, but he seemed to believe what his friend said, for now.

He was still shaking compulsively but how much of that was still fear and how much the potions was difficult to know. "Safe here." he said, more copying what Ernie had said than anything else, repeating it under his breath. "Safe, safe here, safe here, for now, safe for now-" he didn't seem convinced of this on the long term but stayed where he was nonetheless. His body leaned in towards the curve of Ernie's arm like some part of him wanted the comfort but he'd straighten back and hold himself away in the next moment, the most of him unable to let his guard down, at least anymore than it already was. He was twitchy and still looked like he wasn't quite aware of where he was or what was going on, scouting the room, his eyes skittering over everything until, finally, it landed on Ernie and stayed there. He still wasn't back but at least he was focusing now. "I.. I'm sorry to do this." he said, like he had at the beginning. "It's just, it's been a bad day." He didn't look like he was going to be able to hold it together much more and even then, vulnerable as he was, he put more trust in Ernie; he leaned in and semi-tucked himself into the crook of Ernie's elbow, the nesty nook Ernie had made there. "I'm sorry."

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erniedtmac
2014-11-17 03:46 am UTC (link)

Ernie dropped his hand from Theodore's face after a moment of comfort, not knowing whether it did any help or harm, but at least Theodore didn't shy away from him. He ached for his friend, for the obvious inner battle that raged within him. His breath cought when, after a few moments of weaving, Theodore tucked into his arm. That one small gesture meant the world to him.

"Did you want to tell me about your bad day?" he asked gently. "It can help to talk about it. It's okay if you don't want to, though. Everything is okay in here. You don't have to apologize for anything, especially not for being you. I'll still like you in the morning."

It took all the strength he had not to wrap his arms around Theodore, and instead settled for looking at him, watching his face and hoping for something more.

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nottfinished
2014-11-19 12:45 pm UTC (link)

Theo bit at his lip but stayed where he was, too exhausted and wrung out to move (and maybe a little of it was his trust in Ernie). He didn't think the apologies he'd given were enough, but then he didn't think he'd ever be able to apologise enough; there was something unhappy inside him that needed to beg and beg for forgiveness but he didn't know why or what for. He quenched that need, but he still felt terrible for imposing on Ernie like this.

He shook his head and brought his hands up over his head, curling into himself again but still nuzzled in against Ernie, so close to a cuddle. "It's so loud." he said fretfully. "The explosions and... the voices. The screaming. Telling me things that can't, can't be real but..." he shook his head again. "It's difficult to put them all straight. I can't shout as loud as they can right now." he tried to explain, and then, "I just, I don't know if I can do it. I can't be here... I don't want to be here when he comes." The lucidity was receding a little and he began to look worried again, gripping hold of Ernie's upper arm, firm but gentle. "We should, we should go, we should go, you can't be here when he gets home."

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erniedtmac
2014-11-23 03:05 am UTC (link)

He wished he could tell Theodore that everything would be all right, but he couldn't lie to him. He didn't know if it would, but he could support his friend through it all. He brushed his fingers over Theo's hair again, lingers over Theodore's hands and patting them as if he could add some sort of protection or comfort, before settling it on his friend's shoulder.

"We're not at home, Theo, we're at my flat." He didn't know how many times he would have to say it before it got through, but he'd keep trying until it happened. "He's not coming here. He doesn't know where we are, so he can't find you here."

He leaned forward, pressing his forehead to the hands protecting Theodore's head. He sighed, but was determined to see this through. "I can't shut the voices out completely, but if you want to try to sleep, I've got some Dreamless Sleep you can have. It should keep them at bay until you wake up, and maybe we can work on getting better control then, all right?"

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nottfinished
2014-11-24 01:40 pm UTC (link)

Theo let Ernie touch him, all those little not-holds that could have been more had Theo not had so many walls up, albeit put there in some failed attempt to keep himself protected. That hadn't worked, all he'd done was trap the poison inside those walls with him. He made fitful unhappy noises as Ernie tried to tell him reality while his mind kept trying to convince itself of a present that was now the past.

He grabbed at Ernie's suggestion with a desperation that showed how exhausted even one evening of this mind-fuckery had made him. "Yes, shut it off." he said immediately. "Please, shut it off, please." He begged, knowing that Dreamless sleep would stop all this confusion and explosion in his mind, desperate for silence.

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erniedtmac
2014-11-25 07:09 pm UTC (link)

Ernie nodded. "All right. It's just in the drawer over there."

He didn't want to let go of Theodore, as if the moment he took his hands away, his friend would shatter, but he forced himself to do so. He slowly pulled his arms away, smoothing back Theodore's hair again before standing up. He went to the drawer to the left of the sofa and tapped it with his wand to open it, then looked inside at his own personal stash of potions. He picked out the Dreamless Sleep and closed the drawer, turning back toward Theodore.

"So, did you want the bed again? This should put you to sleep pretty quickly."

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nottfinished
2014-11-25 10:42 pm UTC (link)

Theo trembled, shivers running through him like he'd been electrocuted and was still working it through his system, like he'd just been under Cruciatus. He managed to hold himself together when Ernie pulled away from him, but he noticed the lack of warmth at his side and burrowed against the sofa a little more, keening quietly under his breath at some new nightmare shadow that had flickered through his brain.

"No! No." he yelped and then pleaded, not quite connecting to what Ernie was really asking him and panicked at the mention of a bed. "I, I don't, I don't know." he stammered, quieter than before. He tugged at his hair and then let it go, leaning against the sofa arm looking wrung out. "Please." he begged; at that point he would have begged for a bullet to the brain just to make it stop, just for a minute.

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erniedtmac
2014-11-26 05:06 am UTC (link)

"Hey, it's okay," Ernie said, moving to Theodore's side again and lowering down onto his knees. He reached out with his free hand to touch Theodore's, trying to reach through the inner demons to let him know he was back and right next to him. "You don't have to lay in the bed if you don't want to. You can sleep on the sofa, or on the floor even. I can make you a nest with some pillows and blankets."

He took the vial of Dreamless Sleep and slid it between Theodore's fingers, leaving the cork in as if to show that it hadn't been tampered with. "Just drink. I'll be here the whole time, and we'll wake up together in the morning."

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nottfinished
2014-11-26 10:15 am UTC (link)

Theo jumped when Ernie touched him, but it wasn't away and it wasn't towards Ernie either, just startled that something from outside had reached into his unsteady reality. He didn't reach for Ernie again but he looked at him like he was the promise of death after hours of Crucio. He flicked the cork out of the vial he was handed with his thumb and swallowed the purple potion down almost desperately, like he'd have run into unconsciousness if he could have. He put the vial down with a sigh for air and then leaned in against the couch again with a sob.

"I don't want to go back." he said, gone somewhere again and barely there, but despite all that still sitting beside Ernie. The potion was making him groggy already though and he wavered, slumping forward drunkenly headfirst towards Ernie, blinking heavily. "The wolves are prowling. The wolves. Tearing at me." he tried to sit up but couldn't manage it, his eyes closing. "Teeth meeting in me." he mumbled.

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erniedtmac
2014-11-26 11:24 pm UTC (link)

Ernie exhaled in relief when Theodore drank, thankful his friend wasn't resisting, in fact looked almost desperate for a few hours of blissful nothingness. He shifted to sit instead of kneeling and waited for the potion to take effect.

There was nothing he could say to comfort, nothing that could chase away the nightmarish visions inside Theodore's mind. He remained at his side, and when Theodore slumped toward him, Ernie caught him and kept him from falling.

"I've got you," he muttered, shifting Theodore in his arms, his friend's head falling onto his shoulder. "I'll protect you." He wrapped his arms around him, cradling him as if he could keep away the nightmares with the power of his own will. His cheek pressed against the top of Theodore's head and Ernie sighed, hoping that sleep would bring his friend some degree of peace.

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nottfinished
2014-11-28 04:42 pm UTC (link)

Theo couldn't stop himself from lying in Ernie's arms but he felt comfortable there despite the close contact with another person and the way he was still twitching. His bad hand was trembling like he'd just gotten through the Crucio, even his muscle memory having nightmares.

He was slipping into a dark and thoughtless sleep, growing heavier against Ernie's chest as the potion took hold, but he still managed to find some speech. "Don't stay. Leave when he gets here. Leave me and go." he wanted to make Ernie promise but he didn't have the time as the potion dragged him down and he slipped away into what was a mercifully peaceful sleep.

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erniedtmac
2014-12-01 04:50 pm UTC (link)

Ernie wouldn't have made the promise even if Theodore hadn't fallen asleep at that moment. He closed his eyes, thankful that at least Theodore would be free for the next few hours.

He would eventually levitate Theodore to the couch and settle him in with a pillow and some blankets, but for now, he felt an overpowering need to hold him and protect him. Maybe it wasn't just in Theodore's head and maybe there was someone that would be coming after him. Whatever the case, Ernie wouldn't leave his side unless he had to, and for now, that meant holding him and guarding his sleep.

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