Allen's Guide to Creating a Chick Tract.
If you saw the title, and went, "Allen! What the fuck is a Chick Tract?" or "Allen, alright, naked boobies!" you are going to learn some things.
Chick Tracts are the creations of a man by the name of Captain James Theodore Chick. During the Cold War, James was captured by the Chinese, and forced to watch as Chinese kids read comics supporting communism. Seeing these kids become brainwashed, James decided that he could use comics to brainwash people into becoming Christians. When he was finally rescued by Al Captaino, and some other dude, he told them of his idea. They set to work creating a company, and today they will gladly charge you $400 for 1,000 tracts of the same fucking title.
But wait! You too can make your own tracts!
Step 1: Take a hot button issue, this will be the focus of your tract. For this one, let's go with the emo scene.
Step 2: Create a cast of obnoxious character. In this case we have Ted, the emo protagonist, Claire, his preppy girlfriend; Chad and David, Ted's emo friends; and Roger, the Christian.
Step 3: Amplify the stereotypes, and add more for good measure. No longer is it enough that Ted listens to Slit Your Wrists On Tuesday, now Ted must listen to SYWOT while slitting his own wrists, and offering the blood to Satan. Your mission is to inform people how evil, and Satanic the emo subculture is!
Step 4: For good measure, whenever a character says something, put an asterisk beside the last word, then add a footnote with a verse. Make sure the Bible verse has nothing to do with what the character said.
Claire: But, Ted! There's more to life than listening to that awful emo music!*
*Isaiah 12:5
Step 5: Ted must struggle with something, and his best friends must be possessed by demons that are shaped like emo turds. They will be of no help at all.
Step 6: Ted must then meet the Christian who will inform Ted that God never intended for people to be emo, and that if Ted accepts JTC as his savior, he will be saved!
Step 7: Ted must either say, or not say the magic words. If he says the magic words, then suddenly he becomes clean cut! If he refuses to say the magic words, then he must die a painful death, and go to hell. Why? Fuck you, that's why.
Step 8: Make a last plea about how emo is evil, and that you must reject it.
Step 9: FULLY BELIEVE THE BULLSHIT YOU ARE PRESENTING!
Step 10: Publish your work, and watch it sell to gullible morons. Pocket their cash, and laugh!