Fanficrants! Come for the rants...

Dear FF.net Author A: I appreciate that you remembered that very minor character from that book in the series that no one ever seems to finish. And I appreciate that you briefly mentioned a romantic relationship with one of the main characters, because I think they make a great couple and no one ever writes that. But...you didn't bother to spell his name right.

Dear FF.net Author B: Try not to give your OFC the same name as an actual *major* female character from the books. Maybe you haven't read that far in the series, and I know she hasn't been in the (new) movies yet but trust me, you're really confusing people.

I read fic, and when I read fic other than fic written by a very small number of authors I trust, I tend to find pairs of words where the author has confused two different words, and completely bollixed up the meaning of their sentence. So I decided to collect these word pairs, and clarify some things.

Here's today's list:

descent
· n.
1 the action of descending. Ø a downward slope.
2 a person’s origin or nationality: the settlers were of Cornish descent. Ø transmission by inheritance.
3 (descent on) a sudden violent attack.
– ORIGIN ME: from OFr. descente, from descendre (see descend).

decent
· adj.
1 conforming with generally accepted standards of morality or respectability.
2 of an acceptable or appropriate standard; satisfactory. Ø Brit. informal obliging or generous: that’s very decent of you.
– DERIVATIVES decently adv.
– ORIGIN C16: from L. decent-, decere ‘to be fit’.

A "descent guy" would probably be a specialist at going down mountains.

taught past and past participle of teach.

taut
· adj.
1 stretched or pulled tight. Ø (of muscles or nerves) tense.
2 (of writing, music, etc.) concise and controlled.
3 (of a ship) having a disciplined crew.
– DERIVATIVES tauten v. tautly adv. tautness n.
– ORIGIN ME tought ‘distended’, perh. from tough.

taunt
· n. a jeering or mocking remark made in order to wound or provoke.
· v. provoke or wound with taunts.
– DERIVATIVES taunter n. taunting adj. tauntingly adv.
– ORIGIN C16: from Fr. tant pour tant ‘like for like, tit for tat’, from tant ‘so much’, from L. tantus.

Those muscles are taut. The rude comments about them are taunts. You should have been taught the difference between the two.

excite
· v.
1 cause strong feelings of enthusiasm and eagerness in. Ø arouse (someone) sexually.
2 give rise to (a feeling or reaction).
3 produce a state of increased energy or activity in (a physical or biological system).
– DERIVATIVES excitation n. (chiefly technical). excitative adj. (rare). excitatory adj. (chiefly Physiology). excited adj. excitedly adv. excitement n. exciter n. exciting adj. excitingly adv. excitingness n.
– ORIGIN ME (in the sense ‘incite someone to do something’): from OFr. exciter or L. excitare, frequentative of exciere ‘call out’.

exit
· n.
1 a way out of a building, room, or passenger vehicle. Ø a place for traffic to leave a major road or roundabout.
2 an act of leaving. Ø a departure of an actor from the stage.
3 poetic/literary a person’s death.
· v. (exited, exiting)
1 go out of or leave a place. Ø (of an actor) leave the stage. Ø (exit) (as a stage direction) indicating that a character leaves the stage: exit Pamela.
2 poetic/literary die.
3 Computing terminate a process or program.
4 Bridge relinquish the lead.
– ORIGIN C16: from L. exit ‘he or she goes out’, third person sing. pres. tense of exire, from ex- ‘out’ + ire ‘go’.

If I were in the midst of arousal and discovered my partner was exited, I'd be massively annoyed. They could have at least mentioned something before they left.

thwart /TwO;t/
· v. prevent from succeeding in or accomplishing something.
· n. a structural crosspiece forming a seat for a rower in a boat.
· prep. & adv. archaic or poetic/literary from one side to another side of; across.
– ORIGIN ME thwerte, from thwert ‘perverse, obstinate, adverse’, from ON thvert, neut. of thverr ‘transverse’.

This one was used as part of "thwarting young minds". I have no idea what the writer was thinking of.

purpose · n.
1 the reason for which something is done or for which something exists.
2 resolve or determination.
· v. formal have as one’s objective.
– PHRASES on purpose intentionally. to the purpose relevant or useful.
– DERIVATIVES purposeless adj. purposelessly adv. purposelessness n.
– ORIGIN ME: from OFr. porpos, from porposer, var. of proposer (see propose).

Note all the bolded words there: not *one* of them has a letter "d" in there. If I see "purposed" once more, I'm likely to give up on shrieking in annoyance and just move on to evisceration.

loose /lu;s/
· adj.
1 not firmly or tightly fixed in place. Ø not held, tied or packaged together. Ø not bound or tethered. Ø (of the ball in a game) in play but not in any player’s possession.
2 not fitting tightly or closely.
3 relaxed; physically slack. Ø not strict or exact. Ø careless and indiscreet: loose talk. Ø dated promiscuous; immoral.
4 not dense or compact. Ø (of play, especially in rugby) with the players far apart.
· n. (the loose) Rugby loose play.
· v.
1 set free. Ø untie; unfasten. Ø relax (one’s grip).
2 (usu. loose something off) discharge; fire.
– PHRASES hang loose informal, chiefly N. Amer. be relaxed. on the loose having escaped from confinement.
– DERIVATIVES loosely adv. looseness n.
– ORIGIN ME loos ‘free from bonds’, from ON lauss, of Gmc origin.

lose /lu;z/
· v. (past and past part. lost)
1 be deprived of or cease to have or retain. Ø be deprived of (a relative or friend) through their death. Ø (of a pregnant woman) miscarry (a baby). Ø (be lost) be destroyed or killed. Ø decrease in (body weight). Ø (of a clock) become slow by (a specified amount of time). Ø (lose it) informal lose control of one’s temper or emotions.
2 become unable to find. Ø evade or shake off (a pursuer). Ø N. Amer. informal get rid of. Ø (lose oneself in/be lost in) be or become deeply absorbed in.
3 fail to win.
4 earn less (money) than one is spending.
5 waste or fail to take advantage of: he may have lost his chance.
6 (lose out) be disadvantaged.
– PHRASES lose face lose one’s credibility. lose heart become discouraged. lose one’s mind (or marbles) informal go insane. lose one’s (or the) way become lost.
– ORIGIN OE losian ‘perish, destroy’, also ‘become unable to find’, from los ‘loss’.

quite
· adv.
1 absolutely; completely. Ø US very; really.
2 fairly; moderately.
3 W. Indian all the way.
· exclam. (also quite so) expressing agreement.
– PHRASES quite a —— a remarkable or impressive (person or thing). quite a lot (or a bit) a considerable number or amount. quite some a considerable amount of.
– ORIGIN ME: from the obs. adj. quite, var. of quit.

quiet
· adj. (quieter, quietest)
1 making little or no noise. Ø free from activity, disturbance, or excitement. Ø undisturbed; uninterrupted.
2 discreet, moderate, or restrained. Ø (of a person) tranquil and reserved. Ø (of a colour or garment) unobtrusive.
· n. silence; calm.
· v. chiefly N. Amer. make or become quiet.
– PHRASES keep quiet refrain from speaking or revealing a secret. keep something quiet keep something secret. on the quiet informal secretly or unobtrusively.
– DERIVATIVES quieten v. quietly adv. quietness n.
– ORIGIN ME (as n. denoting peace as opposed to war): via OFr., based on L. quies, quiet- ‘repose, quiet’.

Just because the spell check says you have the letters in the right order, don't be so certain it's the correct word. Check the damn meaning too.

So, I was flipping through some old fics of mine that I'd written a while ago. One of these included a baby fic for Star Trek Enterprise in which Archer and T'Pol (A Vulcan for those not in the Trek fandom) had a kid named Henry (Named after Archer's father, who he was pretty closed to).

anyway, one of the reviews I got on this fic was this:

I would hope that by the time "Henry's" sister is born, they can come up with a name more suitable that might actually pay homage to her Vulcan half. Because Henry Archer is as human-centric as they come.

Um, WTF? The review went over my head when I first read it years ago, but known now what a shrill little piss the reviewer can be where Archer is concerned, I don't even know why she read the story to begin with? Why shouldn't the kid be named after his grandfather? Geez.

Rant is about a doujinshi author/artist who has been posting teaser panels on dA for a something she's been planning to release eventually since '06.

Y'know, just because you acknowledge both of a fandom's top two pairings as reasonable doesn't mean you actually have to write both in the same story even if they overlap. Personally, my SportaRobbie is always set when Stephanie is still a child, while my most recent SportaSteph paired Robbie off with Pixel first, and the other didn't even mention him. I don't really care how beautiful your drawings are, pick one and stick with it, or if the SportaRobbie is really only one-sided like I suspect stop posting panels of Robbie fantasising and being so bloody coy about their context.

Giving misleading pairing information is already seen as a considerable breach of fannish etiquette in an online context where the reader can just back button and all they've lost is time and bandwidth. For something you plan to charge for, I think it might verge on fraud. Not legally, since I don't think the law would regard pairing as a major feature of a piece of fiction, but since the fannish community generally does, I think it does in spirit.

Dear ff.net,

Nice to see you felt like deleting all my scene breaks. Nicer to know I need to go through a few hundred pages of fics to make sure they're understandable & not trainwrecking all over the place. If the editing bug doesn't catch me, I might just be able to get this done in a few hours.


The hell'd those three little dots ever do to you, anyway?

Dear Fandoms in General, and Yu Yu Hakusho in particular:

If you're going to prove that humans are bastards, and you want a historical example, the Holocaust isn't the only thing bad to ever happen in human history.


TL;DR: DO YOUR HISTORICAL RESEARCH before you write about how humanity sucks! Otherwise you don't sound very convincing...

-Armand

( On using the same descriptor too much )

( On places it is dangerous to use pronouns )

Summary of both: Think about the words you use, people!

(Cross-posted to LiveJournal)

Dear Fanficrants,

Well, I have to say that I never thought I'd be posting here myself, unless you count the 'How You Can Break Canon in Your Summary' Crest of the Stars rant I have saved on my hard drive. For the most part, most of my bad fanfic writing experience nowadays has been through my friends sharing things they find on the 'net. My friends even used to say I was covered in asbestos, for my ability to give concrit without getting flamed back.

( Do I still need to warn for Deathly Hallows Spoilers? Well, I am. )

I Can't Believe It's Not Canon!

You will never look at margarine the same way again. (Don't worry, it's worksafe.)

-Armand

Okay, English-speaking/writing people! At least learn your own language for god's sake!

It is not PERSAY or PER SAY!

It is PER SE! PER SE! PER SE! For god's sake!

It's Latin -- it means "by, of, for, or in itself; intrinsically".

It f'ing drives me crazy every time I see persay, which I have several times in the last few days.

GRRRRRRRR

Dear Person I Don't Know:

I'd like to know why you gave my fic one star on AFF.N.

Is it because of the pairing? The medical BDSM-scenario squick? Or was there some things in my writing I need to fix? (I do admit, after re-reading it, it kind of reminds me of some things I've seen at Nifty.)

I would have like for you to reviewed or e-mailed to tell me what was wrong/why the fic sucked. And then I could go and fix it.

I wish people weren't this chicken-shit about giving fic bad ratings on AFF.N or Ficwad.

-Armand

Occasionally, when I'm really bored, I'll skate around the Pit looking for something to read. And if I find something that looks interesting, I'm the type to take a peek at a person's profile, because I am admittedly very nosy that way. But a profile like this one? Definitely not a way to get someone to read your fics. I don't care how good your fics might sound (not that they sounded all that interesting in the first place), consistently insulting your potential readers and their intelligence is the quickest way to get me to close the tab that contains your profile. It also sends me to places like fanficrants to rant (obviously) about how irritating and idiotic I think you sound.

And for those of you who don't like clicking on links for whatever reason, here is a sample of his profile.

( Cut because I couldn't keep the example short )

Do any of you find this at all offensively aggressive, or am I being too bitchy? I admit that at times I can probably be a little sensitive, but I honestly think this guy is a bit over the top.


Edit: I went back and re-read that section concerning pairings, because I kept feeling like I was missing something. (Which is entirely possible considering it's a kind of late and I'm a little tired.) IMO, I did. He said:

So, this is what I plan to write. Less accepted fics. Things that might irritate, anger, possible even enrage some people simply because they do not fit the norm.

...right. (My interpretation) So you plan to write certain pairings just because they'll piss people off, not because you simply enjoy the pairing itself? Because otherwise, you might have said something along the lines of, "I like to write pairings that are not the norm because I find them more interesting, even though I understand this might irritate some readers."

So, you are posting a German Harry Potter fanfic.

You only ever read the books in English? You are too lazy/busy/stupid to research the translated names, places, charms? But you feel generous enough to promise to correct any false names if a reader catches on (i.e. doing your research work)?

You "excuse" any typos in your post because you only chat, read, interact with the rest of humanity in English?

You insist on the "o" in Hermione? Even though the German name has been (since day one) Hermine?

Don't bother posting your fanfic in a German community when your introduction is an insult to the language you write in. I sure as hell won't read this crap.

Okay, so. Slashy fics involving Phoenix Wright and Miles Edgeworth. I'm down with the pairing, personally, but you see...

The earthquake thing's getting old.

Yes, I know, Edgey's a cantankerous bundle of issues and pride and magnificent ruffles. But a quick OMFG TRAUMA RELAPSE isn't the only way to make him open up to Phoenix, really, srsly, and PTSD probably doesn't make people horny, either. I've seen Edgeworth earthquake comfortfic done well, I've seen it used for introspection, I've seen it done with pure eyeroll-worthy Yaoi Logic, I've seen it on a boat, I've seen it with a goat, I do not LIKE earthquakes and smut, the fandom's in a slashy rut. ...See, look what abuse of a theme does, it makes me parody stuff!

Edgeworth doesn't like heights either, but that one rarely sees fic mention -- heck, it's outright contradicted more often than not. The manga shows Phoenix's phobia of thunderstorms, and I've seen maybe one fic explore that. Or don't traumatize the guys at all! Let them frolic in a field of happy bunnies and rainbows and have tea parties with Pearl! Just please, Attorneyfen, lay off the earthquakes or I'll eat this kitten!

Like me!

So I'm back with a minor pet peeve.

If (general) you are going to put "buttsecks" as a warning* for your fic that is supposed to have serious/dark themes, you have just guaranteed that I will by-pass giving your fic a read.

Which suits me just fine considering I damn sure won't jump through the extra hoop of friending your journal to read your flocked fic, either, thanks.

*Warnings: threesome, dub-con(ish), incest, masturbation, buttsecks, slight humiliation, mile-high sex was what the fic warning says.

It's definitely a personal preference, I get that.

( Can you hear the 'but' coming? )

I know it's anal and OCD of me and that I have no right to actually say anything and I should just keep my mouth shut and be happy anyone comments at all...

but it irks me when people see a post, see a link to a fic (that's still within the same system, and doesn't have any restrictions on who can and cannont comment) click the link, go read the fic, and then come back to the other post to comment on the fic.

I mean, it would, at best, baffle us if someone read one of our entries and consistently left a comment pertaining to it on different entries instead of the one they just read. This isn't any different.

And I know I have no right to actually complain but it bothers me. More than just being OCD. It bothers me. I know I'm imagining shit and that it's not true, but sometimes it feels like there's the implication that it's not good enough, that they'd be ashamed to be seen saying anything positive to it, so they say so in less obvious places. Like the person who's nice to you only when the others aren't around. Exaggeration? Maybe a bit. But there's the fact they have to take that extra step to go back making it a little more effort and putting them a little more out of the way to deliberately avoid actually commenting to the fic that makes me wonder.

It's gotten to where I'm getting sorely tempted not to post to places that don't allow comment-locking. Sure, I'm probably keeping a lot of people from saying something by doing so, but if it's too much trouble to actually comment to the entry with the content in question, I'd rather you didn't because I don't like the way it feels like a backhanded compliment.

But it's stupid of me and I know it. How do I shut up and get over it to where it stops bothering me, because I know it's stupid and bitchy and entitlement whorish and I know I'm not allowed to feel like this. I'm not even sure who I'm ranting about -- myself, for feeling like this when I should be grateful no matter what for any comment I get, or people who take extra measures to avoid commenting on the actual fic post. I just know it bothers me, whether or not it's okay.

Here's a pet peeve of mine about how people post fanfic.

It really annoys me when people rate all of their stories R (Mature) for "safety", regardless of the actual content of the fic. Apparently some folks do this under some (misguided?) attempt to make themselves safe from I guess criticism just in case they accidentally rate one of their fics too low, and maybe some parent or something thinks a story rated PG-13 (Teen) should have been rated R and complains, leading perhaps to their account being suspended, or being sued, or something.

IMO as a reader, rating every story the same makes the rating useless, as it does not tell the potential reader anything about the content at all, so the rating might just as well not be there, for all the good it does.

ETA: to clarify, my pet peeve is when a person uses the same rating on all their fics, so the "rating" becomes meaningless because they rate a fic the same regardless of whether it contains G-type content or R-type content.

Okay, I've got to admit this, I've been less than a lurker of fanficrants here or on LJ and only hear a few from the community on LJ. I guess I kinda like the drama llama-rama stuff to keep myself entertained.

Until tonight. In the six years of being in fanfiction (on and off), I have never been so angry as a reader or even moved by the story I read on Pit of Voles. I never came across such a moving story, while it did have annoying typos like you're/your, I overlooked them for the action and plot. (after all, they're too common :\)

I never breathed so hard, I never had my hands so sweaty, my heart pounding, sitting at the edge of my seat. The story overall told well for 14 chapters, which is the current status of the fanfiction story.

I understood that the writer wasn't trying to be a professional, but in my eyes, the plot and the action, the characterizations, everything but the damn annoying typos I overlooked, did look as well as a professional could. The author never used inside A/N in the entire first 13 chapters.

And just in the middle of action, in the middle of uncovering the mystery, in the middle of opening the door, in the middle of chapter fourteen, came this:( Atrocity ahead )

Huh? Hold up, I tried scrolling down fast to skip the inner author note and then the 8888 popped up, furthering boggling me. And here, I was thinking, "This better be worth the damn suspense," came a room of sporting equipment.

"What. The. Fuck." I thought.

Just that alone destroyed any respect I had for the writer. I even tried overlooking it as I continued reading but the anger stayed, unbelieving my eyes. I could not believe I witnessed such trash so deep into the story, I'd have hit back on the first page if this was on there but no, it was on chapter fourteen. The only time such ... such... atrocity was committed.

How could a writer do this to their readers? The writer destroyed my precious moment of being excited, enthralled and engrossed in the story that I haven't felt for in a long time, if ever. It's rare for me to get excited when reading stories, books or fanfiction. It was such a pure moment and the writer took that from me. I tried not getting angry. But I did, in the first time in the six years of reading fanfiction; only because I did not want to get messy with other writers like some readers do by flaming. But this happened. And I got mad. I never, except for this moment, never, get angry when reading a fanfiction. I'm mellow to the extreme of extreme.

It made me sad. I gave a long review to the author, hoping the writer will rectify the mistake, to fix that and remove that trash from the chapter and upload one final chapter.

I couldn't believe it. -le sigh-

And if you wish to know, the story was for the fandom of W Juliet. Side note: if you read ffrants on LJ, keep your comments in here, please, it's easier. :]

( A summary of reply from the writer )

Potterdammerung is right around the corner. If you must post about it, put it behind a cut, and read posts and their comments at your own risk.

If you're really sensitive about spoilers, consider a sabbatical from the Internet until you find out if the Harmonians will be hoisting pitchforks and torches and screaming for Rowling's head on a pike, if Snape is carrying Dumbledore's lovechild, if Draco discovers Hot Topic and dyes his hair black while cutting himself to Linkin Park music because Harry dies in true Romeo and Juliet fashion in Voldemort's arms, and if Moaning Myrtle runs away with Dobby as her sex slave or not.

...or you can just go to ff.net and read it now.

And if you're an asshat troll about this, you'll be banned. Somebody let me know if one shows up in case I'm too busy reading the wiki article to get all the spoilers so I know what everyone's flipping out about before I wander over to fandom_wank to enjoy the show.