iain mcintyre ;; rapunzel's father 👱🏻 (mcintyre) wrote in fableless, @ 2016-12-22 01:31:00 |
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I am a dead man.
Or I will be, if Cat ever gets the chance to off me.
I’m surprised there haven’t been any attempts already. Between Liam and me making her tosser of a boy toy’s acquaintance (his friend’s an idiot, too, Arthur. Some once and future king.) and me having a conversation with Des, she’s not right pleased with me. Enough to complain to Liam about it, who, in turn, felt the need to broach the subject with me. So. There’s that. Even though she really has nothing to worry about; I learned my lesson.
And you know what that lesson is? Don’t bother finding anyone in Woodsbridge attractive, because you’re either a) related to them, or b) encroaching on your sister’s friendship territory. Like it’s my bloody fault I’m near her friends a lot. We bloody live together. What did she expect would happen? That I’d meld into the wall when I’m not at work or otherwise needed?I just wanted a friend.
I guess I don’t entirely blame her. There was flirting. I will not admit this to either of my siblings likely ever, but there it is. Des is an attractive woman. I’d have to be blind not to notice that. I’m only human. That doesn’t mean I’m going to try and get into bed with her. And she’s smart, and I like talking to her. She doesn’t look at me like I’m wounded, like I’m somehow worthy of pity because of the things I’ve seen on duty.Her friendship is more important to me than pursuing a pointless romantic relationship that’ll probably end in a few months. If that. Not like I’m in shape to have any kind of romantic relationship, regardless.
Too many people do. Treat me different once they know I served. And I don’t like it. Look at me like I’m damaged, somehow.Maybe I am. Everything seems so much harder than it used to be.Like having served in the air force makes the conversation awkward because people are afraid to ask what it was like, even though it’s clearly on the tip of their tongues, or because they assume that the topic is somehow taboo, like we’re still in the bloody age where PTSD is something you ignore and pretend doesn’t exist.
Civilian life is exhausting.And lonely.
I almost got married a few weeks ago, you know that? Why? I couldn’t tell you. I don’t even know the girl. Michelle. Apparently a lot of people were “embracing their Tale instincts,” including Liam and Bellamy, and they’re still dealing with the aftermath of that in their relationship.
But I almost abandoned my family all to marry someone I met about ten minutes prior to wanting to apparently marry her. So that’s good. Really glad to know that that’s where my priorities went in time of crisis, instead of keeping my family safe. Great job, Iain.
So this is what I am reduced to. Writing in a godforsaken journal about my fucking feelings.When did I get this pathetic?
[...] This is still stupid. I don't know why I bothered.