Jaime Freeman / Dorothy Gale (unselfish) wrote in fableless, @ 2016-07-25 01:35:00 |
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Entry tags: | ! log/thread, jaime freeman, matias hernandez rodriguez |
WHO: Jaime Freeman & Matías Hernandez Rodriguez
WHEN: Sunday, July 24th
WHERE: Mat's place
SUMMARY: It starts out cute post-Ball and then gets super sad and painful so you know. The usual.
WARNINGS: Some swears. Angst. About it.
The ball was a lot of things, but boring wasn't one of them. That was usually the case, but this one had three or four levels of tension. It also was fun. Jaime chatted. He danced. He drank (lightly). He sat with his friends, and went around the maze hunting for Pokemon with Aran. The latter was after he'd nearly walked out of the ball in a fit of temper due to Marcello, and luckily got back on track thanks to a cooler mind prevailing. His feelings remained simmered, and the anger dropped out of him entirely when he met Mat's eyes and knew they were still spending the night together. When they made it back to Mat's place, his passionate grasp of the man against him was for two reasons. To make him happy that he was there with Jaime, and to reassure himself that this was what they both wanted. Jaime was glad they went to Mat's, because he felt less self-conscious when he didn't have to worry about his siblings hearing. That made for awkward talks the next day. He came to several times over the night and used persuasive hands to seduce Mat again, but they finally fell into a deep sleep that lasted late into the morning. Jaime woke up with his nose buried in Mat's hair, spooning the man with an arm stretched over him to securely - possessively - keep close. In the years together when things were uncertain and random, Jaime didn't sleep over much, and if he did, it was only accidental that he found himself like this. Now instead of peeling away, full of anxiety, he flexed his arm around Mat and dropped his head down, pressing lips softly to the other man's neck. This type of affection for him was a combination of deeply coveted and very rare. He longed for closeness like this, yet had a difficult time taking it. It was surreal doing it now, so surreal he wasn't entirely certain it was reality. He normally would go reaching for his phone to see missed calls or the time, but he agreed to Mat's request to leave their phones out of the bedroom. Really, he didn't care at the moment. There was nothing more important, and they could be a little lazy. Jaime also didn't want to see texts from his foster parents. That was a conversation he was still preparing for. "Maaat," he crooned into his lover's ear, smiling, "wake up." One eye opened and Mat groaned, burying his face in his pillow and trying to pull the blanket up higher. Caspar, who was looking up at him from his pillow on the floor next to the bed, washed his front paw. Yeah, human, he said, and Mat hated how smug cats’ voices were, get up. Ignoring the cat - which was always easier said than done, and as if he knew what his human was thinking, Caspar looked him directly in the eyes and yawned - he cuddled back against Jaime’s chest, determined to enjoy the rare sensation of waking up next to him. It was one of the things he had missed about a steady, serious relationship: physical and emotional closeness. The latter was always significantly more important to him, but there was something to be said of slowly drifting back into consciousness with an arm comfortingly wrapped around him. “I swear I heard that exact phrase a few hours ago, J,” he mumbled sleepily, letting his fingers slowly skim up and down Jaime’s arm. “And a few hours prior to that, and a few hours prior to that.” Jaime was usually awkward and even shy about this aspect of a relationship. It was something he got used to but usually treasured the closer he became to someone. This wasn't the first time he cursed himself as a fool for spending years putting distance between them, when he now knew how good it could be. Or maybe he knew that it would be, so he purposely stayed away because of the complications. Those complications just seemed very far away from this bed and therefore were not worth thinking about. Jaime chuckled low and went back to kissing his neck lightly. "Are you complaining?" He always found Mat incredibly attractive and enjoyed their time together, but the emotional intimacy they'd started to slowly build made him near irresistible. His hands didn't wander this time, liking the soft touches on his arm. He nuzzled Mat's neck and then left his head there, settled on his shoulder for now. There was a list of things he wanted to say, most of them very cheesy. "I liked your dress," he said, smiling wryly. "It was ridiculous, but also, pretty damn funny." Jaime was concerned about Lila of course, he cared for her, but there simply was a genuine amusement in the spectacle. He knew other people wouldn't think so and he might hear about it from them. But oh well. "But the suit was better." “I was the prettiest Princess at the ball,” he yawned, smiling. “But I do think most people preferred the tux to the gown. I’m honestly shocked I was allowed to keep it on as long as I was.” The reactions to his ball gown had been predictably mixed - there were those who thought it utterly hilarious (thought he was certain that the following year would see a new rule about only dressing as your Tale self), while others thought it was blasphemous and childish. The latter folks were right, of course, which had been the driving force behind his going through with it. He let his eyes fall closed again. “Next year, you ought to bring a basket. We could get you a stuffed dog to go in it.” The we was tentative yet deliberate. His roundabout way of reassuring Jaime he was serious about this, about them. A slightly different tactic than the one Jaime had used after the ball, but one meant to achieve the same thing ultimately. "I have to tell you, the hints you kept dropping made me think you might be dressing up like Dorothy." Jaime wouldn't have minded if he did, although it would have been bizarre. He didn't want to dance like Mat in that get up since it seemed weird, but he kept trying to stifle laughter. It was childish, yeah, and he loved Lila, but he was aware that she instigated trouble between them too. He stayed out of it. He was surprised at the reference to we, at the reference to next year, and butterflies twirled in his stomach. It was reassurance, and it did work. He smiled and squeezed Mat closer, feeling tranquil. "I think that could work. And we could always store other things in it. Like your makeup." Jaime's voice was teasing, and he lifted his head to kiss Mat's cheek. "Is it too early to ask you to be my date? Or too optimistic?" Mat snorted. “As if I would wear blue checkers.” Although he had thought of it, albeit more subtly. Dog cufflinks. A light blue tie. But had he gone that route, anyone who knew him would have immediately known that there was something going on, and that was a headache he didn’t want to deal with, not if this thing between them ended up going nowhere. “A bit of both,” he confirmed. “It’s an entire year away, and who knows what will happen between then and now.” It was practical, of course; Jaime could decide that this - that Mat - wasn’t worth the trouble. And the Remembrance Ball was already mixed with conflicting emotions in his mind. The last thing he wanted was for it to come around again and serve as a reminder that he hadn’t been enough. No. If things continued as they were, then perhaps he would ask Jaime closer to the date, but despite the tentative optimism, he was still ruthlessly practical. “You seemed to enjoy yourself last night,” he said, turning in Jaime’s grasp so he could actually look at him. "Hey some people can pull off the blue checkers, don't hate." Jaime probably would have not liked Mat dressing as Dorothy, without warning. They were still working all this out. But another time it could be funny. Another year could change a whole lot of things. Which was why he didn't respond really to the ruthless practicality. He couldn't argue it. It was legit. He didn't have a track record to have faith in even with people who weren't complicated like Mat. Jaime made room for Mat to turn to face him, his hand dropping to his hip comfortably. He leaned in to kiss him softly, a hello. "So did you," he said with any of his feelings about that carefully masked. "I went out to the maze with Aran and caught some Pokemon. I danced with Rachel, actually. I figured it'd be good for you if your best friend could get along with me." Mat grinned. “Some people simply think they can pull off blue checkers.” He leaned in to kiss the tip of Jaime’s nose. “This year was a nice change of pace from the black tux coupled with the pointy hat. Even your delightful sister said so.” Not quite in those words, and his conversation with Emerson had been perfunctory and quick. She had never liked him, much like Lila had never liked him, and he had long ago given up trying to get either of them to see that he was a different person now than he had been in their Tale. If they couldn’t be bothered to see that for themselves, he couldn’t be bothered to care about their opinions of him. (Or, rather, he tried not to, and yet he wanted at least Emerson to tolerate him, if only for Jaime’s sake.) “Pokemon hunting at the ball? You clearly didn’t have enough dance partners.” Mat shook his head. “And I had a lovely time. I danced, I made merry, and managed to go home with only one person this year rather than five.” The last was a joke, but he wasn’t sure if Jaime would catch onto it. “And I saw your dance with Rach. I told you she doesn’t dislike you, J.” Jaime's eyebrows went up when Mat mentioned Em, and he could pretty much guess the unsaid there. "You could surprise everyone next year and wear green." It was an innocent statement, but his smile afterward was teasing. "Or maybe I'll wear green." No pointy hat though. Really not his style. He couldn't say that he didn't care what Em, Lila, or others thought, but it was what it was. And he knew to expect it. Jaime bit back a sarcastic comment about Mat's dancing partners, because he honestly didn't want to spend their moments together with his jealousy making it ugly. He did laugh at the five people comment; Mat might have several partners, as far as he knew, but he never mentioned anything about more than once at a time. He shrugged at his comment about Rachel, running fingers along Mat's side. "It's important for your friends to like your boyfriend, M. Mine do like you." Outside of the ones they both knew didn't. "It was actually a good time. We talked about some ideas about a police organized event like the baseball game. Maybe a 5k." So it was work and it was getting to know each other. "That means you're required to take part, with both of us making sad eyes at you." “I refuse,” Mat scoffed with a grimace. “If you want to wear green next year and cause a stir, however, I won’t stop you. I’ll even let you borrow my pointy hat.” He couldn’t deny that he was sort of fond of the idea - dressing as each other’s Tale selves next year. Provided, of course, that this thing between them didn’t crash and burn in the interim. It was probably best not to get ahead of himself. An amused laugh came at the thought of Rach and Jaime double teaming him. “I am quite capable of saying no to both of you. And I refuse to take part in a 5K where she can beat me. I’ve only just beaten her. Let me savor that for a little while longer.” "Maybe I will. I don't know if I can pull off the hat though." He would get in a shitload of trouble for something like that, so it was easier to think of it as a future thing. When after a year Jaime stopped being held back by his fears of what people's reactions would be. A year was a long time, but they'd been doing this for years. "Do you just hate green for you or green in general? If I wore a green shirt would you want me to take it off?" Jaime tangled their legs together, sliding a little closer. "You can run a 5k, come on. You're in decent shape." He kissed Mat again, his hand lifting to brush through Mat's dark hair affectionately. "I'm not going to put you at the water table." It would be so easy to just stay here for awhile. It was safe and comfortable and he was content in a way he hadn't felt in years. "Do you realize we've spent time together almost every day this week? Are you getting sick of me yet?" The eye roll at Jaime’s predictability was obvious, pronounced, and exaggerated. “For myself. Other people can wear it at their leisure.” Although he was little tetchier about the color after the fiasco with the paint on Monday. His bathtub would never be the same. “Yes, please leave immediately,” he answered, deadpan, but then he ruined the moment by grinning and stroking his hand over Jaime’s shoulder. Jaime made a face at him in reply. “And in shape does not mean I can run that distance with any sort of reliable speed. Now, if you want to host a charity fútbol game, then I would absolutely play and I would crush you and Rachel because obviously it ought to be non-police versus police. Then you can comfort each other since you’re now such good friends.” Jaime laughed and slid his hand down the length of Mat's spine. "You think baseball is the only sport I'm good at? Sports and musicals. Those were my things in school." And that meant Jaime ran in two different circles, comfortable with the theater geeks and the jocks. It was no wonder he seemed pretty at ease with most people. He quirked an eyebrow at the last part. "I didn't say we were good friends. We managed to have a conversation. An awkward one." He had no problem with Rachel. He respected her. He might've been annoyed that she blabbed, but got past it quickly. "Don't you get grumpy about that when you've been trying to steal my partner." Jasper knew about them now, and gave some solid advice. “I’m sure I have no clue what you’re talking about. Rachel and I simply want to see if he’s any good with his cuffs.” He grinned at Jaime. “And I have no doubt I would beat you at fútbol. I play every weekend. If you were to beat me, I would have to die of shame.” Jaime hesitated, about to advise Mat to be careful with his flirting, but he knew that would sound like he was jealous. In this case, he wasn't, but he also didn't want to explain his reasoning. Jasper had some things to figure out on his own before coming out. So instead he focused on the second part. "I guess since I don't want you to die of shame I'll have to lose to you on purpose." He grinned back. "Do I get to come watch you play soccer some weekend?" “Must you call it that?” Mat cringed. “And don’t you dare lose on purpose. There’s no fun in rubbing it in your face afterwards.” He considered the question, not entirely certain how to answer it. It wasn’t as though he minded Jaime sitting under a tree somewhere, watching, but it seemed too… coupley. But that was what he wanted, wasn’t it? What they were slowly trying to aim for? “If you want to come and watch, nothing is stopping you.” "I do, because it annoys you, and you are cute when you're riled sometimes." Jaime did call it soccer in general, but he knew what Mat meant. It was just fun to poke at him. "You'll never know if I lost for real or on purpose. Sorry." His grin was taunting, and he settled his hand on Mat's ass. It seemed like a very good place to leave it. The offer was indeed coupley. Everything they were currently doing was coupley. A reality Jaime was aware of. He did use the word boyfriend already, so it seemed like the cat was out of the bag on that one. "There's a difference between nothing stopping me, and you wanting me to be there, M." Mat raised his eyebrows at Jaime’s hand placement but let it stay where it was. For now. “It does not annoy me, and I am always cute, thank you. And now I refuse to play fútbol with you because I cannot ascertain if you were giving it your all or not.” He moved in closer to Jaime, letting his lips brush the line of his jaw. “I wouldn’t be opposed to you going and watching.” It was a non-answer, essentially leaving the ball in Jaime’s court. A habit that was hard for him to break. Jaime couldn't respond at first, too busy laughing at Mat's word emphasis. He didn't know his grin could be wider but it managed. "That was you not being annoyed?" Dark eyes were warm and amused. "I promise when we play soccer I will give it my all. You'll notice when I beat you." He was fairly certain Mat was going to crush him, but he was going to keep giving smack talk until that point in time. "Maaaat," he drawled, tilting his head to give Mat silent permission to keep kissing his jaw. He loved when Mat took the initiative now. "I'm not asking if you'd be opposed, I'm asking if you want me to watch." Jaime could point out that he wanted to, or he wouldn't have brought it up, but it seemed more important that Mat make the statement. A habit they both were trying to break. “Definitely not annoyed,” Matías confirmed. “And you can keep talking all you want, I now refuse to play you.” Mat smiled against Jaime’s neck. “You know,” he said conversationally, “you are significantly more whiny now than you were a week ago.” Teeth nipped the skin below J’s ear before he pulled away and look at Jaime. “If you wouldn’t be bored, then it would be nice if you came and watched every so often.” "I'm not whiny," he objected, and his breath caught a little at the nip. He was a sucker for when Mat did things like that. Jaime smiled and shook his head. "How exactly would I be bored watching you dominate a field? It sounds great. And you clearly like doing it, if it's every week." It would be fun to see Mat take charge of something for once. He leaned in for a lazy kiss, lazy just in the sense it was taking its time, enjoying that there was no rush. "Don't worry, I won't make you play League of Legends with me in exchange. I'm not that cruel. Any other things you wouldn't be opposed to me doing?" “I said I could clean the field with you, not always with the guys I usually play with.” Depending on what the team make up was, he was as likely to lose as he was to win. Fortunately, while there was a little healthy competition in the weekly pickup games, it wasn’t the kind that the baseball game saw. “I thank you for not making me play League of Legends, whatever that is. It sounds like a video game, however.” Mat made a show of thinking about the question before simply shrugging. “Nothing in particular comes to mind.” "It's a PC video game. It's a multiplayer online battle arena where you ---" Jaime stopped and smiled wryly. "I can stop at video game. It's what I play most of the time, outside of when I'm angry about something and then I do first person shooters." A different kind of competition. It was an easy outlet, and he was openly a tech nerd. Jaime liked to break apart computers and put them back together for fun. It was his obsession for fixing things that came into play there. "Mat, I ---" He started and stopped. His eyes looked down at nothing in particular, his hand moving up to take Mat's hand in his. "I'm glad we've spent so much time together since this changed. I'm glad you still went home with me last night." Jaime felt like his stomach was going to start flipping soon. "Are you?" He listened as Jaime talked, idly stroking fingers up and down the other man’s arm until his hand was taken in Jaime’s. Mat offered him a reassuring smile. “I am,” he said, squeezing Jaime’s hand. “Though I’m not sure why you doubted I’d leave with you. I told you I would.” Jaime didn't answer at first, taking refuge in where they were and what they were doing. In the end, it didn't matter. What mattered was Mat did pick this. Despite all the many, many good reasons not to, Mat continued to pick him every time, for better or for worse. He swallowed down his panic, crushed his nerves, and met Mat's eyes again. "Let's do it. You and me." Every time he felt that he was finally getting his footing with Jaime, the other man had to do something to completely send him reeling. “Do what exactly, Dot?” Jaime rolled his eyes as if to say you know exactly what, but if he had to say it in words, well, fine. "A relationship. And before you ask, one that does not require hiding of any kind." It was terrifying, but also, exactly what he wanted. And saying it out loud was freeing in a way. "I'm not going to say it's going to be easy, M, but I do know that being around you lately, I've been happy. Waking up with you like this, I was happy. So I feel like that's worth fighting for." His insides felt like they were on fire and he squeezed Mat's hand. "But only if you feel the same way." This must be what insanity feels like, he thought. Hadn’t they literally just renegotiated their non-relationship into a possible-relationship? And now Jaime wanted to change it up again. Matías frowned. “I do feel the same, J,” he started slowly, “but we’ve been dating” and the word still sounded utterly strange to him in conjunction with the man lying next to him “for a week. I thought you wanted to try this out for a while? What is with the sudden change of heart?” Jaime knew he had a tendency to get ahead of himself. It was one of the reasons things usually crashed and burned, when he was positive that the only way it was headed was down. The opposite was the same. He was genuinely surprised that Mat was questioning it, eyebrows furrowing. "Yeah, and this week we spent a lot of time together, and I know you hated it that we weren't doing it in public. You sang Dirty Little Secret at me, M." Every word of the song bothered him, out of guilt. "I talked to some people and thought about it, and I figured we haven't been able to get over this for years. So we might as well say to hell with it and try it." Or he had to say to hell with it. Mat had already been there. Jaime was just catching up. Very quickly. "You've always compromised for me. Is it really so bad that I'm trying to meet you in the middle for once instead of the other way around?" “No, it’s not bad,” Mat said, “but it’s been a week, Jaime. As much as I have greatly enjoyed the fact that we’re spending more time together, that’s hardly long enough to see if this will work, and you have significantly more to lose than I do.” And he didn’t want to be the reason Jaime suffered, even if it was inadvertently. He squeezed the other man’s hand. “I would much rather take this slowly for you than for you to jump into it for me.” Jaime didn't just feel like someone punched him in the stomach. He felt like they'd done it repeatedly until it was heading into numbness territory. He stared at Mat, unable to mask for a few seconds the flash of pain in his eyes, before the shutters came down quickly. "Alright, if that's what you want," was what he said quietly. Muted. There were few things he wanted more than to get out of there right then. It took him an enormous amount of self-control to stay exactly where he was. He turned though on the bed, his back to Mat, a compromise for himself, staring at the wall and collecting himself. "We didn't get a lot of sleep last night, so we should try to get more." And now he was the asshole. The hurt in Jaime’s eyes echoed the pain he’d been feeling for years, and he wanted nothing more than to just agree, to ease it away. But Jaime had been opening up, had mentioned the things that he had reservations about. A week in each other’s company was not enough to assuage those things, and damaging his relationship with his parents over something that they’d been trying for a week… Mat couldn’t do that to him. He reached out, wrapping his arm around Jaime’s waist and pulling him against his chest. “A month,” he said quietly. “Let’s give this a month and then we can talk, J. I’m not rejecting you.” There was nothing Jaime wanted more than to sink into Mat's arms and accept what he was saying. It was rational. Probably. He couldn't think very rationally at the moment. What Jaime was most concerned about at the moment was his temper, and it was climbing past the hurt with every passing second. For a second he let himself lean into Mat, take that moment of closeness, and then he was moving away from him and off the bed. "I have to go," he said calmly. So much calmer than he expected. "If I don't go, I'm going to yell. And I've been actively trying not to fight with you or hurt you lately." Jaime thought it was the best option, because if he let loose on that one, there was a good chance he'd burn everything to the ground. This was the mature route. Acknowledge the problem. Step away from it. He looked for his clothing around the room. "I'll get over it." The urge to assuage Jaime was as quick to rise as his own anger. It was always so much easier to give in to what J wanted, to not ask for anything for himself (and yes, his main motivations for denying Jaime what he wanted right now were because of Jaime himself, but there was a selfish slant to them - he never said no, not once the entire time they’d been doing this, and he needed to be sure that he wanted this for himself, and not just because Jaime wanted it). “All right,” he said instead, voice dull, rolling onto his back to stare at the ceiling, falling back into his old roll. One ridge, two, three. If he counted the popcorn above his head, then he could keep his own temper from flaring. In the past it had been easy to leave when he wanted to. That's when things were simpler. He changed the rules on them, and he was suffering for it. Jaime thought it should be easy, to get dressed and go, it was something he'd done so many times by now. It was learned behavior. He stared at the man on the bed, the man who he woke up with completely happy, and now felt like a dozen miles away. It wasn't anger that made him speak. It wasn't a whisper and it wasn't a yell, it was torn straight from the heart and he would never forgive himself for it. "You said you wanted me. You said ---" He felt shaky. "You wanted to be with me." Pettiness told him to keep his gaze locked straight up, but Jaime was trying, and so could he. He turned his head to look at him. If Jaime’s voice hadn’t been enough to have him second guessing his decision, then the look on his face would have been more than. “I do want you, J. I want to be with you. But I don’t want to rush this. You’re…” He faltered, unsure of how to finish the thought other than with “special to me. I don’t want to lose you because we were in too much of a hurry.” He was frozen, his mind and body torn in various directions. To gather his clothes and leave, that still felt like the safest option. To lie back on the bed, that felt like the most comforting option. Jaime wanted to believe him. "I'm not going to beg you," he said softly. And sat at the very edge of the bed. Not on it fully, but not off it either. "I guess after a month you'll have to tell me what you want, because I've already made my decision." He didn't think he was going to change his mind, but this was certainly making him doubt it. "It's what I deserve, isn't it? I'm ready to commit, and you aren't." It felt like punishment, and he wondered how long he was going to keep taking it. Just like Mat had. So for awhile, probably. He looked down at the floor. I’ve already made my decision. Mat wanted to point out that it was a decision made a week after he had made another decision, which had come shortly after yet another decision. In the space of a month, they had gone from Mat waiting for whenever Jaime wanted to see him, for however long that lasted, to being friends with benefits, to casually dating. Sure, the decisions lined up in Mat’s favor, but for how long? What was to say that Jaime wouldn’t change his mind again in a week, decide that this wasn’t what he wanted after all? It was too much, in too short a period of time. Still, he hesitantly reached for Jaime’s hand. “This isn’t punishment, Jaime. This has nothing to do with what you deserve or retribution or any of that. This is solely about pacing and ensuring that the least amount of damage is done.” To both of us. "It feels like punishment," he said honestly. There was no anger in him anymore, at least for now. Just this vast emptiness where he really couldn't see the up side. "It felt like punishment when you told me who you were sleeping with. It felt like punishment when you drunk texted that I didn't love you. It felt like punishment when you sang that song to me. It felt like punishment when you try to make me jealous on purpose. It felt like punishment watching you dance with your ex like no one else existed." Jaime's shoulders slumped and he didn't pull his hand away, but he didn't reach out either. He just left it here. "And I deserve it. I hurt you for years, making you feel like nothing, not worth dating, that there was something wrong with you. You're right, there's no reason you should trust this sudden turn of mine. I keep giving you half truths. I keep changing things on you. I wouldn't trust me either." Jaime stared ahead into nothing in particular and then closed his eyes. "I understand I have to earn that. I have to win your heart, you don't have to give it to me. What you're saying is rational. What I'm feeling isn't. But I can't change what I'm feeling. So I'll do what you ask and suck it up, because you've done it for me. And that's that." It felt more and more like he was being forced to constantly justify his actions and thoughts; whether that was intended or not, he didn’t know. “I told you that I had slept with him because I wanted to be honest with you and I didn’t want you to find out and think I was trying to hide it from you. I admit I was being petty and trying to hurt you when I said you didn’t love me.” Whether he’d believed it or not wasn’t relevant. “And the song was in poor taste, but not intended to hurt you. I’m sorry for that. You’ll notice I don’t often actively try to make you jealous, and I primarily flirt with people that I know will never take me up on it.” Except Rachel, but that was so infrequent as to be a non-issue. “I’m sorry my dancing with him hurt you. That wasn’t my intent.” Explaining that he was still in love with his ex, that he probably always would be a little in love with Marcello… No. Even if he explained that that was just how he loved, that if he managed to fall in love with Jaime it would be the same, it wouldn’t go over well. Mat pushed himself up so he was sitting and scooted closer to where Jaime was perched. Lightly, he wrapped his arms around the other man. “You do not deserve to be hurt, J. I am not trying to hurt you. This has very little to do with trust, although I will not lie and say that I’m not worried you’ll change your mind in a week. You wanted to take this slow, and I agreed even though I knew I wanted to be with you. That hasn’t changed, but I also think that you were right. That taking this slow is the smart thing to do.” Jaime shook his head when Mat started to explain himself, it all falling on deaf ears. He was very aware that the intentions were not the same as the consequences. It didn't matter. When Mat put his arms around him, Jaime just sagged back into him. He wanted to be proud and strong and get some distance from this feeling, but he just wanted Mat's comfort at this point. "I think I do deserve it. This hurts and it fucking sucks, but it's probably not close to what you went through. And I'm sorry, M. I really am." He gave up at this point on the arguing or talking on the matter. He had no choice but to accept when Mat was saying and what he wanted. It was what it was. He was resigned. Jaime was exhausted and wanted to crawl back in bed, so he decided to just that. He moved out of Mat's arms but not for long, a small tug on his shoulder to indicate he could follow. He went back to where he was on the bed and lay on his side. "Do you want to get lunch tomorrow?" he murmured. Mat wanted to reiterate that this wasn’t a contest, that they could both hurt and one person’s pain wasn’t necessarily greater or more justified than another’s, but he was also tired. And he knew from experience that nothing he said was going to make this better. So he just held Jaime tighter and brushed a kiss against his shoulder. “Of course,” he murmured back. “Same as last week?” Jaime flinched at the kiss but didn't move away either. It was a mixed feeling to be in. "Yeah." He closed his eyes and started and stopped to talk, but finally spoke again. "One last thing, M," he said, resigned and tired. "If you sleep with someone else in the next month, I don't want to know. I can't hear it. It's not a recrimination. It's just what I need. Okay?" “Of course,” he agreed, voice light. Not that he had any plans of doing so in the future, anyway. He pulled Jaime a little closer and stared ahead. He was exhausted, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep. |