Peony Min (blackmagicks) wrote in emillion, @ 2013-08-14 22:56:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, !log, merrion priddy, peony min |
Who: Peony & Merri
What: A difficult topic
Where: Merri's kitchen
When: This evening
Rating: PG for subject matter
Status: Complete
For a few days after her return from vacation, Peony had had little time for social calls of any kind. She had seen Merrion at work, of course - they spent hours together daily - but there had been little opportunity to speak to him of personal matters and by the sad, haunted look in his eyes when she thought no one was watching, it was sorely overdue. Well, the book was in to her editor, her inbox was empty, her brothers were happy and healthy and well-fed, the necromancer was quiet, Quenten was heating water, and Riyeko was well. One by one, she was sorting things out. Time, now, to get to the bottom of this trouble. She knocked on the door of Merrion’s suite, one arm cradling a covered bowl of fruit salad against her chest. Troubles were always easier to discuss with good food, and on a warm day, she thought such a treat might be welcomed. Merri had been poring over the Shell scroll. He didn’t dare try to cast it again without the direction of Guy or Cy, but he was intent on studying it more closely before he was to meet with either of them to practice the spell. They would certainly find what was wrong or missing more readily than he could, but he wanted to give it a thorough shot at it first. However, his attempts at learning the spell were interrupted mainly by memories he still had trouble suppressing and then, suddenly, a knock. It was too light and too gentle to be Wil. Furrowing his brows, he pulled himself away from the scroll to answer the door, beaming when he saw his caller. “Peony! Come on in!” he said and stepped aside. Out of force of habit, he reached for the roller, though even he noticed that his tolerance to fur was increasing the more time he spent in the captain’s quarters. “What -- I didn’t expect you. I thought you might still be busy trying to catch up!” He had done his very best to make sure there was not a lot for Peony to have to return to, for the easiest way to wreck a relaxing vacation was to come back to a bigger mess than what was left behind. Still, he worried it hadn’t been sufficient though nothing pointed to it. “Thanks to you, there was not much of urgency waiting for me,” she replied. “I brought you something - in gratitude.” She handed off the bowl, took the roller. It was a familiar pattern now, and she did not mind doing this. Quiz might be petulant about their neighbor’s avoidance of him, but one could not help allergies, and after all this seemed to be one of the few ailments Merrion genuinely possessed. “Is this poor timing on my part?” she asked as she finished with the roller, handed it back. In truth, she intended to stay until she found the source of the sadness in his eyes, but she could not say so outright; she trusted he would invite her to stay himself upon noting the contents of the bowl and the fact that it contained two portions and not one. “If you prefer I return another time, I can certainly do so.” “Not at all!” said Merri after he set the bowl on the table and took the roller back from Peony. “I’m always happy to see you. We don’t have much of a chance to talk outside of work anymore.” It was a fact that he regretted, but in spite of the troubles that continued, things seemed to be at a relative peace. He feared that it was the calm before the storm, but that was a matter that they tackled in meetings. His curiosity won over and he peeked under the wrap to see what Peony had brought. Merri smiled. “This looks delicious, Peony, thank you! You didn’t have to!” He went over to his cupboard to pull out a couple of bowls and forks. “How was your vacation? I hope it was fun and relaxing!” “I wanted to. And it was quite nice, and very productive,” Peony said, making herself at home in his kitchen. She heated water, measured tea leaves - he still had a bit left from their last trip to Seven Cups - and then cooled the resulting concoction with a well-placed miniature Blizzard. The result was iced tea in under five minutes. The things she had learned as a Scholar would never leave her, and their utility in everyday life was endless. She poured two tall glasses, cleaned up, then sat at the table where her place was already set. “I must apologize,” she said, because she knew she would have to work around to the sadness he was so desperately trying to hide, and she thought this was a good place to start. “I believe I saw you at the Cathedral a few weeks back, but I did not greet you. I am unused to seeing you at Mass.” And when people who avoided church sought it, sadness or distress was often the root of the change. “I had meant to say hello, but by the time the service let out, I could no longer find you.” Merri’s eyes fell to the bowl in front of him. Of course Peony had seen him there. Not that Merri had been trying to hide from her -- or anyone -- but he had not gone for the sake of publicity or recognition, despite the fact that he had received plenty of the latter when he was there. “I just thought it was time for me to go since it’d been a while.” Which was true, in a way. He lifted his head with the best smile he could muster. “And don’t worry about not saying hi, it’s fine, I was... busy after the service. I’d have greeted you if I’d seen you, but...” Most of the people Merri had seen that day were because they had approached him after rather than the other way around aside from Father Luscini, but it was a minor detail, surely. “It... was a great Mass, wasn’t it?” “Yes,” Peony agreed. Some sermons touched more deeply than others, but in the end, the comforting touch of Faram could always be found for her inside those tall stone walls, in the dappled, colored light of stained glass windows and the spicy scent of incense. Even in moments when her heart was troubled, the cathedral was a place of refuge and of solace. “I usually find peace there.” Merrion was still looking at his bowl and had yet to serve himself or take a sip of tea. She reached out across the table, placed her hand over his. Her tone gentle, she asked, “Did you?” The touch of Peony’s hand on his surprised him. For an elongated beat, he did not say anything as he tried to figure out how to answer, for he was still unsure himself. Yes? No? He was still troubled by what had happened, but to say that he had found no peace would feel as though he was discrediting Father Luscini somehow. The priest’s words still held their weight; Merri thought about them often. But he still hadn’t yet reconciled them with what he had taken part in. “A... a little,” he murmured, his fingers curling around her hand gently. He was not much for physical contact though he knew the wonders it did for comfort, such as he was receiving now. “I still...” He shook his head and tried again to smile. “It’s nothing.” “It does not appear to be nothing,” Peony replied softly. She squeezed his hand for a few moments before withdrawing her own. “However, if you do not wish to discuss it, I shall not pry. Only...” she trailed off, then began to serve the fruit salad. It was a simple, normal action, giving Merrion a way out of the conversation if he wished it. “I am concerned for you. So if you choose to share your troubles, I will listen. And if not...” A small, kind smile, “I will simply feed you and we will drink tea and talk of other things.” Merri lifted the corners of his lips in appreciation. While Peony served the salad, he considered both telling her and not. He hadn’t spoken of this to many people. Wil, Father Luscini, and a little bit to Ari, too. He tried not to burden his friends with his troubles as best as he could, but he also wasn’t sure how much longer he could keep this bottled up, and he knew that there was nobody better to speak of these matters to than Peony. “I... I’m sorry to bother you about this,” he said softly as she finished. “I didn’t -- don’t mean to worry you or...” He shook his head. “It’s just that I-- I’ve never...” He sighed. Maybe it was better to start from the beginning. “You... remember the attack in the Tenements.” A statement, not a question, because such a devastating event was difficult to forget so soon, if ever. “There was a woman there. Maybe she was behind it. She seemed to control two Elementals. Once we fought them, we fought her, and--” His voice caught. “She died. We killed her.” More specifically, Aspel killed her, and though Father Luscini assured him that he -- and of course Aspel, though neither Merri nor the priest specifically mentioned her -- had no stain on his soul for assisting, that it was for the greater good, Merri still couldn’t shake the feeling of doubt. He sighed and dropped his head into his hands. “I can’t help but feel like-- even though my status spells were ineffective... Oh Faram, why didn’t my status spells work?” She didn’t answer at first, listening to his stilted explanation of the situation. Then she rose from her seat and walked over to him, wrapped her arms loosely down and around his shoulders, placed her chin on top of his head. They did not touch each other often - she was too private, he too paranoid - but this was a special circumstance, deserving of special treatment. “I am sorry,” she murmured. “And that, I know, is woefully insufficient.” Merrion was unlike her in many ways; what she could compartmentalize away neatly, he felt too strongly to control. And about something like this... “It is a grave power we carry, Merrion. The power we wield can be used to harm. Sometimes, that is necessary - we are trained to know it may be necessary - but that does not make it easy.” Merri nodded slowly, a hand tentatively coming up to grasp Peony’s arm. “I just never thought that... I always thought I’d only ever have to fight monsters, if anything at all. It was all I ever had to fight and kill. And I know it’s too... naive to think that all of these attacks aren’t caused by humes, but... to fight them, to potentially have to kill them...” He closed his eyes, sighed. “All I ever wanted to do was to protect the people I love, the people I care for, and the innocent, of course, but...” He looked up at her. “How do you do it? Does it ever get easier? What was it like for you when you...?” The fact that Peony had killed before was not lost on him, and it was always something that he was able to distance himself from easily enough. He was saddened by the death, but he trusted that Peony knew best. If there was no other option than the death of the culprit hunted by the peacekeepers, then that was that. It was somehow different when Merri was faced with it himself, however. “I do it because sometimes, difficult things must be done, and the right thing is rarely easy,” she answered as honestly as she could. “I have taken four lives. I believe it likely that I will have to take more. It is a heavy burden to bear.” And she would carry it with all the grace Faram had bestowed upon her. “We must fight to protect and to save. A peaceful solution is always best, but there are times when such is impossible. It is at these times that our mettle is tested.” What was it like? How to explain? “I have learned to be cold, when I must be an instrument of justice. If my action - abhorrent though it may be to me, and the ways of Faram - may spare others suffering, I must not falter, though it may be painful and it must by its nature be difficult. If it ever became easy,” she finished, her tone sad, “I would know I was no longer suited to completing such tasks.” Merri took in her words carefully, weighing them against his own conscience. Had a peaceful solution in that battle been impossible? His status spells had not worked, but had there truly been no other way? And yet, he had faith that if there had been, Aspel and Drake would have sought to find it. Of course they would. They were good people, a couple of the best he had ever known. But Merri couldn’t help but to wonder what more he could have done. Used some sort of white magic spell, one that he didn’t yet know, to turn the death blow into something less lethal to knock her out and imprison her, leaving her fate up to the justice system? No, that would not have worked, beyond that such a spell that would have assisted in that plan did not yet exist in his repertoire. Merri hated to think that death was the only option, even so. And yet hearing that Peony struggled with the deaths of another hume brought him some comfort, that her difficulty in doing the deed was her indicator that she was still yet a good person, and always would be. It was like Father Luscini said, after all. Merri could accept that... for her. For himself, it was still a hard task forgiving. Finally, he spoke. “I don’t know if I--” Merri sighed. “Will she stop haunting me?” He did not mean how ghosts in the tower sometimes kept him up at night. No, if her soul was troubled, surely she was elsewhere. “Is this a guilt I can ever shake off?” “It will dull,” she told him, “but it should not be shaken off. Something so grave as a human life should always be carried. It is, I think, much like losing a loved one, the loss of this... innocence. It does not return, but one learns to live without its presence.” It was the best way she had found to think of it. She could miss her mother, and still find joy in life. So, too, this guilt darkened her heart without ruling it. “I remember their faces,” she added softly. “I will remember them until the day I, too, join Faram, if He wills it.” She squeezed his shoulders again, one last friendly embrace before pulling back, walking back to her chair. “If the circumstances were such where the best possible choice was to end the woman’s life, then not only can you live with it, you must,” she added, some of the gentleness replaced with quiet steel. “You are a man in power and a man with power. You cannot allow others to see you falter when you wield both forms of power for the greater good.” Merri stared down at his hands. “I didn’t even have my staff on me. I had my sword,” he murmured. He didn’t raise his rapier against his opponents that day. It was useless against the Elementals, and he didn’t dare use it against the hume herself. He wondered, though, if the outcome might have been different if he’d had his staff instead. He doubted the augments would have made Sleep work, but... what if it had? He shook his head. It was irrelevant now. “I try not to falter around others,” he said. “I’ve tried to pretend like nothing’s wrong outside these walls, but...” He knew that wasn’t what she meant even as he said the words. “If I have to fight a hume again, I don’t know if I can. I know I have to do what I have to, especially if my friends, or the city, or the innocent are endangered, and I know I will, but...” He couldn’t help but to chuckle, once, and very lightly. “Is it wrong to mourn her death, even after everything she did? Everything she might have done if Asp-- if we hadn’t killed her?” “It is not wrong,” Peony told him. “It tells you that there was no malice in your heart. But you cannot say you do not know what you will do, if another such moment comes - you must know, because if a moment comes where you have to decide, you cannot allow yourself to falter.” She offered another small smile, continued, “You know I am not often... harsh, Merrion. But this is something with which I cannot be soft - and, so long as you have power, you cannot be, either. I can only counsel you to spend time in thought, meditation - if you wish it, perhaps prayer. Find a way to reconcile your feelings. Learn how to live with them. Because...” she sighed. “We have lived in peaceful times. I fear times are not so peaceful now, and you and I are one of the city’s first lines of defense. When we are called to protect, we cannot fight on two fronts. Therefore, the battle inside your heart will have to be won now.” She pushed his glass towards him, a silent reminder to drink and an offer of comfort, then added, “I am sorry for it. It is not an easy battle to wage, nor to win. But you have it in you to emerge victorious, and, if not untroubled, then... resolute.” Again, Merri let her words sink in before he thought to speak again. He heard the wisdom and the truth in what she said, and he knew he needed some time to come to peace with everything, and the sooner the better. He hated to think it, but another attack was inevitable, and though the city might enjoy the respite, the longer it lasted, the more horrible the next battle would be. He could not win everything. “I will... do my best,” he said, finally. No, that wasn’t good enough. “I will. I’ll be okay. Eventually.” He swallowed down a lump in his throat and tried to smile. “Thank you, Peony. It’s... it’s a lot to take in, a lot to think about, and... I’ll take the time so that the next time... I’ll be okay. I have to be.” “You will be,” she said. “I believe in you.” And she did. Because no matter how flighty he appeared at times, they were not so very different, at the core. “Now,” she told him firmly, “you will eat, and drink your tea, and we will talk of more pleasant things.” There was only so much serious conversation that could be borne. For now, they would leave this topic. For at least this one evening, everything was at peace. |