Gideon Fischer ⚕️ Alex Karev (pediatrician) wrote in dunhavenic, @ 2020-03-02 10:31:00 |
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"You're under arrest for aggravated assault."
It was a scene he'd seen play out in countless movies and legal dramas, and yet, now here he was. Hands clasped behind his back, handcuffs tightening around his wrists with that somehow foreign and yet still familiar click click click. Then, the officer's hand on his shoulder, and all Alex could see were the faces of the doctors, his colleagues, as he was walked outside. Past trauma rooms, down the stairs, out into the ambulance bay. Bailey, Meredith. Maggie. Jo. Jo. Webber. Catherine Fox. Ben. Head bowed, ducking into the back seat of the patrol car. He'd ended up like his father after all.
"I didn't know you would be here...how are you?"
For a moment, she was quiet, but her words were honest when she said, "I don't know how to answer that…" a few heartbeats passed and she gestured behind herself, "I'm leaving so you can go in." "Jo, I don't want to go in there. I want to be home with you, and I messed that up, and I know that, and I'm sorry." His words rang in her ears like some sort of siren, but they weren't okay. Her whole life had been turned up on end and everything she thought she knew and loved about Alex had been brought into question. "You can't just say that." "I mean it, and I'm going to keep saying it." He wasn't hearing her. His ignorance of her words just proved to her that she needed the distance…that he wasn't listening, "It doesn't fix anything. I'm sorry doesn't fix--" "What do you want me to say?" "You lash out and you hurt people and then you think you can just walk it back with 'I'm sorry.'" That was exactly what Paul had done, and she had let him. For so long, she had let him soothe the wounds he had inflicted upon her with sorry's, but she couldn't do that again. She hadn't thought Alex was capable of that until she'd seen it with her own eyes, and now the pattern was just emerging all over again. It was endless and she was perpetuating it. "I'm not walking anything back. I might be going to prison. But you and me-" "You and me? What you and me? You walked out. You left." She blamed herself, really. That he might go to prison was entirely her fault when the facts were broken down, even if he had been the one to lose his temper. It could have been avoided with her honesty, and yet… there was no taking it back now. He'd walked out on her. He had been so willing to just leave her after years of love and commitment. "And then I came back." "And you called me trash. You just… you said it so easily. You were trying to hurt me. It worked." She hated that she still wanted him… loved him. Despite all of it, she knew that she couldn't be with him. She didn't know if she could forgive him… and he'd proven to her that he could dig the knife in deep with words, just for the sake of hurting her. What was to stop him from doing worse? She hated that she wanted to stop when he called her name, but she kept walking. She had to.
For once, Alex hadn't actually sought Jo out. They'd met in supply closets before, for much different purposes. But now, today… "After tomorrow we might not get a chance to talk. I might not see you after. I just wanted to say I'm sorry."
But she didn't seem interested in his apology. "Alex, you've said that, I know." "I mean for the things I said. You're not trash. Don't ever let anyone say that. I'm sorry, and I- You're not trash, Jo." There was a felony charge hanging over his head, but Bailey still let him work, and Alex had never been so grateful to her for that. He needed to work, because that was the only thing that kept him going at this point. He knew that once the trial came, he'd be done. His medical license was little more than a ticking time bomb. He had to soak up every last minute of practicing medicine that he was allowed.
Jo stepped into the elevator, and he wasn't going to say anything. Even as everyone else stepped out. But then she hit the stop button. Jo hadn’t been certain that she was going to say anything until she was alone with him on that elevator. She knew that she needed to... that she needed to a long time ago and that he deserved to hear it from her somewhere other than in the middle of a courtroom. So her fingers had hit that stop button. He had apologized for the hurtful words that he had said to her, and she needed to offer words of her own, even if they were going to be jarring. "I'm married." It was almost a relief to say it, even if her voice broke a little. It was out there, and there was no going back. "What?" Alex was certain he'd misheard her. "I'm married." "The hell are you talking about?" "Since before I met you, and I should have told you, but I'm married to a guy who almost beat me to death.” She could still remember it all vividly, her heart racing just at the mention of her husband. “And I can't divorce him because I ran away from him. And I'm not- Jo Wilson isn't my real name. That's why I couldn't marry you. That's how this whole thing started, and- I should have told you." It was quite possibly the hardest thing she’d ever said to anyone. Especially to Alex, whom she had shared almost everything with these last few years. Everything except that one, monumental secret that she had used to protect the both of them. "You're married." He felt… dumbfounded, as if all he could do was repeat those dizzying words. Slowly, she finally turned to face him, even though it was difficult to meet his gaze, "Yes." "And you didn't tell me." "I was scared. I-" "Scared of what? Did you think I'd get mad? You thought I'd get mad at you for trying to get yourself-" "Not at me, I- I thought you'd want to kill him, and that you'd get hurt, or killed, or you'd get in trouble and you- you'd-" She trailed off, because one of her fears had somehow come to pass anyway, even though she’d done what she could to prevent it. "Wind up in jail." It felt bitter to say aloud, now, because… Well, because that's what was going to happen, wasn't it? She nodded a little, though she wanted to apologize... to tell him she was sorry for it all coming down to this. She wondered if she might have prevented it all from happening if she’d been a little more honest... a little more trusting. "It might all come out in the court tomorrow. I wanted you to hear it from me." She quieted and turned to press the button, letting the elevator continue to her floor, and when it dinged... she took only a second before she walked out. Hesitation got the best of her, however, and she... she couldn’t let him think that her leaving was his fault, so she turned around, pressing her hand to the door to open it before it could completely close. "After the trial, if I just take off, if I leave... it's not because of you. It's because my testimony will be a matter of record, or whatever. But I don't want you to think that it's you. Ever." That was it. It was all she really could say. Jo started to leave, but Alex stepped forward, grabbing for the elevator door again. "Don't go anywhere, no matter what happens, okay?" A small shake of her head, her heart in her throat, because her nightmare was coming to life and all that she’d worked to build was crumbling around her, “I don't want him to find me. He can't find me.” "This is your life," Alex insisted, firmly. "You're Jo Wilson. You belong here." She couldn’t stand it. The touch of Bailey’s hand against her knee. “You were right. Stuff does happen to people.”
“I don’t wanna be right.” Bailey paused, hesitating, “Karev...he came to see me last night. He told me--” Jo cut her off quickly, “I don’t wanna be right.” Bailey’s fingers tapped against her knee in some attempt at comfort, but it just felt like an unbearable weight upon her body. “Just...listen to me. Karev--” “I don’t wanna be right!” She knew that she sounded like a broken record...a petulant and scared child, but she couldn’t think of anything else. She couldn’t find any other way to form her words. Bailey’s hand finally left her knee. “Wilson.” “For God’s sake, I don’t want to be right! I want there to be something good. I want the world to be good. For once, I want to see sun and happy. For once, I wanna be wrong so just...stop talking.” It was a desperate denial, but she couldn’t help it. Because if the world was wrong right now, it was because of her. It was because of what she had confessed to Alex in that elevator, and because of what she hadn’t confessed to him when she told him she couldn’t marry him. Paul was still taking things from her. Maybe he always would. Bailey turned around, and for a moment, the car was quiet. Then, Arizona’s voice cut through that silence, “Say it.” Jo looked up between them, only seeing the backs of their heads, but her heart was in her throat, “Alex went to the DA and took a plea bargain. He’s going to prison.” “What? When?” Arizona seemed to find her words when Jo’s whole world screeched to a halt. “Last night. Before we left.” “Stop the car,” her breathing became more labored, her stomach rolling, “Stop the car, I’m going to be sick.” Thankfully, Arizona listened because within a few steps of opening the door, the contents of her stomach were on the side of the road. She was unsteady, but this...this was all what she had brought upon all of them, wasn’t it? She had ruined his life and hers. She told him she messed up everything good in her life, and she hadn’t been wrong...it had just taken some time for her to mess it up permanently. She slid into the back seat once more, “Let’s go.” Arizona’s voice was soft, “Are you okay?” “Drive the car.” She couldn’t think...wouldn’t let herself feel because if she did, she’d fall apart. Arizona turned to look at her, “Drive the damn car!” And she did. ~~ “You’re not okay.” Warren again...he’d been hounding her all day. “What?” “That hockey kid today? He dropped a lung. We had to take him up to the OR. Where were you?” She was immediately on the defense, “I was in Path. I was getting a culture.” “Come on. You’ve been in your head all day. It’s fine because I covered for you, but talk to someone. Work it out.” That just set her on a roll because she was done. She was tired of him looking at her like she was going to fall to pieces at any moment, “What do you need, Warren? Do you need me to be fragile? Do you need me to fall apart?" “Come on, now.” The words started coming, and they wouldn’t stop. All she wanted to do was drown herself in work and distract herself from the awful, atrocious thing that she had done. Because she hadn’t been wrong earlier when she said it was her fault Alex was in prison. “Would that help you? Because you keep looking at me with your eyes all soft like you wanna help me, you wanna make me feel better. I don’t need to feel better. I don’t need your sympathy. Stuff like this happens, and I am built for it. I’m fine. Leave me alone.” ~~ She had only let her friends in with the promise of gossip. All she really wanted to do was crawl back under her blankets and continue watching shows about decapitation in a fantasy setting that could never come to pass. Then, Stephanie had said his name. Karev. “Karev? Karev is in prison.” They looked at her as though she’d been living under a rock, which couldn’t be true because she’d been at the hospital just that morning. “What?...What?” And then...then they had told her. He wasn’t in prison. He’d gone to the DA, but something had happened. The charges had been dropped. He...he was free from all of this. He wasn’t going to prison. He was...getting his job and his life back. She hadn’t completely ruined everything for once. She was struck suddenly with a need to be there...to see him with her own eyes. She put aside the beer she’d hardly touched, “You all stay here. I...I have to go. I have to go.” He opened the door, and there, standing on the doorstep to Meredith's house, was Jo. She looked… well, she looked like hell. Alex didn't know why she was here, why she could have possibly been here of all places. He knew he'd see her at Grey Sloan, but…
Alex took a step forward. He didn't say anything. His words had gotten him into just as much trouble these last few months as his own damn fists had done. But then Jo had stepped to him and wrapped her arms around him. And it all made sense, then. She hadn't known. She'd thought he was going away. Someone must have told her about the plea deal, that he was… safe. His arms encircled her, fingers flexing into the back of her shirt, and he just… God, he could have lost himself in her, if she'd stayed half a second longer. But then she was gone. Embry was Brooke and she was Jo and her emotions were a raw, open wound. It hit her with a force that she couldn't have prepared for, the world growing startlingly quiet, tilting on its axis. Her heart felt like it was going to leap right out of her chest and she realized suddenly that…that she was having a panic attack and the world was growing smaller around her. -- Gideon could feel Embry's breath grow shorter as he held onto her, there in the middle of the cafe. He had no idea what had happened, but his mind was flooded with… with other people. The dreams he'd had before this moment had always been about medical cases, and they'd always come… well, like proper dreams were meant to. At night, asleep. Not here, in Seattle, in the middle of a conference center cafe. What the hell was going on. "Embry," he whispered her name, as much for his benefit as hers. "Em, hey, breathe, breathe." -- She knew that the Dreams could hit like this because they had before, unexpected and sudden. It wasn't often that they happened awake, but sometimes…sometimes they just hit her like a train. Tears burned in her eyes, even as he said her name, and she tried to breathe, but her lungs wouldn't take in air. Instead, she stepped toward him through that haze and wrapped her arms tightly around his middle, her fingers gripping into the fabric of his jacket. She buried her face there against his shoulder, and tried to breathe again. She managed a small one, but just barely. Her mind was still a swirl…a haze of the damage that had been wrought by her…Jo's attempt to protect Alex, and the ensuing fallout that had shaken both of them to their foundation. She was shaking like a leaf, and it wouldn't seem to stop. Even more than that, she still remembered what Gideon had said…Dr. Stadler was here. But he wasn't supposed to be reality, "It's not real. It's not real, and he…he can't be here." -- Gideon was relieved when Embry held onto him, knowing that she was seeking some sort of grounding through whatever else was pulling her apart. All he could do now was be steady for her. He had to. He didn't know which he Embry was referring to, but... "Let's go find somewhere quiet to sit, okay? We can skip the next panel session." And doing that would given them another hour or so, before she had her own to give. "I'm right here with you, Em." -- She was certain, at least, that he was still safe. He was still someone that she knew and loved and trusted above all others, even when her mind played cruel tricks telling her otherwise. His suggestion that they go somewhere quiet for a while was met with a small nod, but...all she could really do was let him lead her. She didn't have the gumption to find a spot on her own. It took a few minutes, but a place was secured. There was a quiet little lounge off of one of the main halls, likely meant for a smaller group meeting by the setup of the room, but it was currently unoccupied and had no schedule listed beside the door. Her hands wouldn't stop shaking even as she sat there beside him staring at her palms, "Where…where is he? T-the minimally invasive seminar. Dr. Stadler?" -- It hadn't taken Gideon long to find a little room for them, and- for the sake of his peace of mind, he'd locked the door behind them. Whatever was going on here, it wasn't something that needed to be interrupted. They'd found their way to a small and vastly uncomfortable settee, sitting close. Dr Stadler. Right, that had been the name he'd mentioned before... before those dreams had come up. Frowning in concentration, Gideon pulled out his phone to check the program of events for the conference. "Here," he showed the screen to Embry. "Hall J, in... fifteen minutes. Doctor Laura ... Stradler." Frowning, Gideon used two fingers to zoom in on the name, but, sure enough, he'd just read it wrong earlier. -- Even when he put that screen under her nose, Embry's vision seemed blurred and wrong. She blinked, the words surely saying his name, and then...they didn't. He zoomed in on the name even as he said it aloud. Doctor Laura Stradler. The shaking in her hands wouldn't seem to cease even as she curled her fingers into her palms, but a relieved sob escaped her as she folded in on herself, "It's not him? It's not…not Paul?" -- "Paul?" Gideon repeated the name aloud, confused. Yes, he'd read the name wrong, but where did anyone named Paul come into the conversation? But then he remembered. Those awful weeks after that terrible Halloween. "You're Embry Nadine Marshall. Not Brooke or anyone else who wants to take up residence where they're not wanted. And he- whoever he is- he's a monster, and I'd tear him out of your dreams and pull him apart with my own hands if I could, Em." "His name is Paul. I'm hoping that...the more I dream, she'll find a way out." Gideon exhaled, heavily. "Paul Stadler. From your- from Brooke's dreams."
"I hired a guy. He gave me his name and where he works. Turns out he was scheduled to do a minimally invasive conference here in LA." Alex had registered for the conference without a second thought, and read every public biography on the man through the whole flight down to Los Angeles. He knew him.
Meredith spoke up again. "So, you're there and Jo's husband is there." "Yeah, I'm looking right at him." "Alex! What are you doing?" "I don't know." Alex sighed. That much was true, at least. "I don't know if I'm gonna do anything." "Come home." "I can't yet. I gotta go." ~~ It had been all too easy to just... walk backstage before the keynote speech began. And there was Paul, notes in hand, the muffled sound of someone describing his medical innovations as he was announced. Alex stopped there, right next to him. "Good luck out there." "Yeah. Thanks." "You nervous?" "No, I'm good. I'm just about to make a speech." Alex cleared his throat. "I'm a friend of Brooke's." And there it was. "Your wife, Brooke Stadler. The one who left you." "Yeah, how's she doing? Where is she now?" In some other circumstance, Alex might have laughed. As if that kind of information would just be given up so easily. "You don't get to know that. You don't get to think about her ever again. And if you come near her, I will find you and I will kill you." The threats fell from his lips like honey. "Who are you?" A flash of nerves, or at least... surprise. "Doesn't matter. I know your name. I know who you are. And I'm watching you." ~~ He knocked on the door of the loft. It was maybe unnecessary, but... but he didn't live there anymore, so he'd give Jo that courtesy. "Hey, Jo, it's me." But as Alex pulled the grate aside, he heard... Gasping. Choking. Someone struggling for breath. "Hey, Alex." Paul. There, in the middle of the loft, leaning down over... His hands around... There was a thud, and the kicking legs stilled... for the last time. Paul just grinned. "Found her. Thanks." -- She hadn’t said his name since that day not long after Halloween when she had first told Gideon about her dreams. She still dreamt about him plenty, but she hadn’t liked giving a name to that monster any more than she had to. Though sometimes she would talk through those dreams with Gideon, Paul was usually referenced just by pronouns or sometimes other, less pleasant terms...sometimes just as Brooke’s husband. Never hers, though. Never her husband, because it wasn’t real and Gideon was the only one who would ever be her husband. He...he was a good man. “Yeah. That’s...his name. He was a doctor, too. M-minimally invasive surgery was his s-specialty, and…” she forced an even breath into her lungs, “she left. She saved up money and finally...left. Brooke reinvented herself under a new name, and m-moved. To Seattle.” -- The knowledge hit him suddenly, the sickening realization leaving Gideon ready to go for the nearest wastebasket. A new name. Seattle. Jo Wilson. Embry was dreaming of Jo Wilson. And he'd... Alex had... He'd led Paul right to her. He'd watched Paul take the last breath right out of her lungs with his own two hands. He... Gideon was on his feet, a hand over his mouth. His phone had dropped to the floor, but he... staggered forward, finally pressing both hands down onto the conference room table, the formica oddly cool under his palms. "No. No, no no no..." He was muttering, shaking his head, watching her... watching Jo's legs stop, hearing that last breath, over and over again. "Embry, I-" Gideon felt his knees grow suddenly weak, and he staggered- reaching for one of the table's chairs, but the wheels of it didn't hold under his sudden movement, and he crumpled to the floor. -- She didn’t know what had suddenly gotten under Gideon’s skin, but it seemed...dire. His skin was paled, and those no’s were frantic. She gave a small squeak when he just collapsed there onto the floor, but it took her all of a second to join him on the floor, “Hey...Gideon, what’s wrong? It’s...it’s okay. It’s fine. She got out and away, and...and she met someone who...who treated her better. Who loved her for...for a while.” Embry could hardly think about Alex...about what had transpired between him and DeLuca and Jo. It broke her heart, and she felt so much guilt over it, even if Alex hadn’t gone to jail in the end. It had still broken both of their hearts, and...and DeLuca had wanted her to love him, but she was still in love with Alex. She probably always would be. Even if it was near impossible for them to be together again, “I’m fine and Brooke…Jo is fine. Talk to me, Gideon." -- His vision hazed, but Jo... no, Embry... she was there, with him. She was... "She's not," he shook his head, "she's not, she's not, Embry." The tears came, hot and angry, frustrated, confused. "I saw. I watched her die. I led Paul right to her- Em-" A strangled sob, but the words finally wrenched from his throat. "I'm Alex." -- She had never seen Gideon like this. Not even in the aftermath of that Halloween. She’d seen him cry before, of course, but not...not with this kind of fresh devastation. I watched her die. I led Paul right to her. I’m Alex. Embry sat heavily back onto her bottom, a strange buzz there in her ears. She shook her head a little, denial settling in, “No...no...I...I never...she never told Alex his name. He didn’t know anything about Paul. It’s not...it’s not possible. He wouldn’t do that. Alex wouldn’t…” -- This wasn't happening. This couldn't be real. Gideon pressed his palms to his eyes, roughly, trying to force whatever tears were left out. "I- he found out. I hired someone. T-tracked him down. He- I saw him there, in LA." Gideon wasn't as well-practiced at remembering those delineations between who he was and who Alex was. The he's and I's. It all blurred together. "I'd just gone to... to warn him. Not to look for you. I didn't do anything, I swear, not like- not like he did to DeLuca. But then I came home, and you were- He had her-" Another strangled sob, and Gideon buried his face in his hands. He felt broken. How had Embry been dealing with this for years? "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Jo." -- Those words that he told her...they seemed familiar somehow, and not. She could hear what he was saying, and yet something didn’t sit quite right with her and she...she slipped back into memory. She was embarrassed. She had only slept with that not-intern because he was the opposite of Alex and...and Alex was who she really wanted. Warren wasn’t really helping matters any, and neither was Bailey. Those words had been echoing in her mind for the last few hours.
Karev is a puppy dog. He wouldn’t hurt a fly unless he thought that fly was hurting you. Was that true? Could she truly believe it? She’d watched Alex beat DeLuca within an inch of his life, and she’d never thought beforehand that he was capable of doing something like that. Then, the fear had settled in. As much as she wanted him back...as much as he’d been proving to her that they could still at least work together, it was all just difficult to sort out. “Hey. You got a minute?” His voice was the most familiar one she knew, even still. “Did you come to laugh at me again?” “No..” he hesitated, almost like he was going to laugh, but then he said something entirely unexpected, “You know, I...I found your ex-husband.” “What?” “I hired a guy, I-I...found his name. I looked him up, and-and then I went and found him.” “Oh my god, Alex.” Her knees felt weak, so she sat down before they could collapse from beneath of her. “Look…” he sighed, like this was hard for him to say, but he sat there on the arm of the couch, seeming ready to explain himself, “You didn’t ask me to do that, and-and you didn’t give me permission to do that. And it was wrong, and I’m...I’m sorry.” For once...she could accept that apology. It seemed sincere. He realized...the error there. He didn’t need prompting for it. He’d come to that conclusion all on his own - or maybe Meredith had helped him, but either way...he was apologizing without her having to point out that it was wrong. “But, Jo...I swear to God I could never, ever hurt you. My dad...he w...he was like your ex. I’m not like that. Alright? I’m not like my dad. I mean, I-I do things that are wrong. I do things that are stupid. But I swear to you, I would never hurt you.” It seemed clear that...someone had told him what she was feeling. It might have been Bailey and it might have been Warren, but it didn’t really matter which of them had prompted the confession because...it was one that she needed to hear. The conviction behind his words made it easy to believe him in a way that she’d never really believed Paul when he said he was sorry for what he’d done...that he would never do it again. Alex meant it. He’d never lain an ill hand on her, and he never would. Somewhere deep down, she knew that already. The fears that had driven them to this point already had been deeply rooted, but he was here...proving to her that the fears she’d held were for naught. She’d worried that he’d get hurt or killed or put into prison for killing Paul himself and yet...he’d found Paul and he was here standing in front of her...intact and laying his heart bare. She stood slowly, a small nod accompanying her words, “You saw Paul?” “Yeah.” “And you didn’t kill him?” “No, I mean. I thought about it. But I-I...I came home instead.” Thinking about it was one thing...being able to control his actions enough to come back, even when Paul had hurt her was restraint that he wouldn’t have exhibited if he was truly capable of the things she was afraid of. “Okay…” Decision made, she walked to that door and turned the lock with a click. Her lower lip was drawn between her teeth when she walked back towards him, but he didn’t...seem to see her coming. He looked down, as though she’d left entirely, his gaze only drawing up in time to meet her lips in a desperately needed kiss. ~~ Embry shook her head, not to clear the image or the feeling of...profound relief and closure from all that heartache, but bringing her thoughts back to herself. She reached out to Gideon, her hands gently touching his face much like they had in that moment when Jo had kissed Alex, her gaze desperately searching his features, “When? When did he come home and find...her? Was it before or after he told her about finding Paul? Because...because he tells her, Gideon. Alex tells Jo that he tracked down Paul, and she was surprised? She...was shocked that he did it and that he...he said he thought about killing Paul, but he didn’t. He just came home instead.” -- Gideon had let Embry ease his hands away, her own touch on his cheeks, slowly bringing him back to himself. Slowly. He met her eyes, trying to focus on her words, not on his memories. Not on his dreams. "He never..." Gideon took a deep breath. God, he was a grown man. Talk. "He never got the chance. As soon as he was back from LA, Paul was... already there." But that... didn't make sense with what Embry was saying, now. How could Alex have told Jo, if Jo was- Unless, well, she wasn't. It was a laugh that bubbled up past his lips this time, though still one of disbelief. "She lived?" -- Nothing about that timeline seemed to match quite right, though Embry had been having these dreams long enough to know that sometimes they could...play tricks on your mind. She’d once had a fantasy of Brooke’s that she had left Paul and left the whole damn country, and then she’d woken up twice...once in a bed with Paul and then once again as Embry, in bed with Gideon. She kept her hands there on Gideon’s cheeks, hoping that it helped to ground him, her fingers gentle, “I think...I think what you saw was Alex’s fear, Gideon.” She took a deep breath, but didn’t pause too long, “I do...I do believe that Alex found Paul, but I don’t know if he spoke to him at all because he came home. He came home and some time later, he confessed to Jo that he’d found Paul. It couldn’t have been just after LA because...because they’d been doing surgeries together for a little while.” She let her fingers stroke gently just at the ends of his hair there where it curled above his ears, “Paul didn’t find her. That would have been the first thing she thought about when he told her that he’d tracked down her ex-husband. There was no… fresh fear or trauma there. Just concern that he might have gotten himself hurt or that he’d be in trouble again, and...none of those things happened, Gideon. Alex just...came home and he went back to work, and when he told Jo about Paul, she...kissed him for the first time in far, far too long. Jo’s alive...and I think she and Alex are going to be okay.” Another breath, and she admitted, “I’ve...had dreams like that sometimes. Fears or wishes that feel just as real. I know what I dreamt of Brooke and Paul was real for her, but sometimes when she thought about leaving...that felt real too, at first. Until it wasn’t. I don’t know exactly what you felt or saw, but I think it might have been like that.” -- Gideon was quiet as Embry spoke. She had more experience with these dreams. His experience, before today, had been… innocuous at best. This had hit him all so hard, and all at once. But her explanation made sense, for as much as anything could make sense of this. "He loved her so much, Embry. And he made- God, he made such awful, terrible mistakes. But he never wanted to hurt her. Even if- if they didn't end up together- please, please remember that, whatever other dreams bring." -- Embry had been dreaming of Jo's life with Alex since their last visit to Seattle. She had hundreds of better memories to help offset the bad that she had just experienced all at once. She had dreamt of thinking he was setting her up for failure only be to proven wrong. Bonding over their histories in foster homes, bets, couches, and powdered sugar donuts. Her boyfriend that had been far too much like Peter, and Alex's love for her. The mistake that she had made pushing Alex to his father, and his incredible forgiveness. These were not things that she had immediately thought to share with Gideon. She had mentioned once, she remembered, that Brooke wasn't in danger anymore, and that had been enough. She had only ever really talked to him about the dreams when they were difficult to bear alone, and her happiness as Jo…well, that had been a sweet reprieve in comparison to the time she'd dreamt of the worst years of Brooke's life. She hadn't wanted to draw comparisons between Gideon and Alex, even though there were times when they reminded her of one another. "I know," she promised, leaning closer to put her forehead just there against his, sharing space and air, "I promise that's what I'll hold onto. And…and you'll do the same, yeah? They both made mistakes, and she…blamed herself for it way more than she blamed him. He was only working with half the story, Gideon. Jo…she knew that she made a mistake by not trusting him more. She still…she still loved him, even when she thought she shouldn't." -- Gideon tried dutifully- desperately- to concentrate on the here and now, on Embry, on what he knew to be real. She helped with that, refusing to leave his space, forcing herself in, no matter how hurt he was or how confused he felt. "I'm sorry," he offered, after a moment. His voice still felt quiet and… raw, perhaps, but the words were necessary all the same. "God, Embry, you've been… you've seen all these things in your dreams for years- this, and- and so much worse. And you're still here, still standing. One moment, one flash of them, and I'm on the ground." Mentally and literally, it seemed. Gideon laughed, almost bitterly. "If there was ever a doubt that women are the stronger of the sexes, huh?" He shook his head again. "I brought you in here to help you, and look at me. A mess. Let's-" Gideon took a deep breath, though there was still a faint shudder to it. He pressed a kiss to Embry's forehead. "What do you need, Em? How can I help you?" Because if he could focus on her, his own problems wouldn't matter quite so much. -- She didn't think less of him or think he was weak because it had hit him so hard. She could hardly fathom what that might have felt like for him in that moment. While she'd dreamt plenty of being hurt herself, it felt somehow worse to have seen someone you loved die and feel it was your fault. That was what had floored him, and it was fair, especially given her own connection to those dreams. Embry did not shift away even still, "You thought she was gone, Gideon. You thought Alex had led Paul right to her and she...is me, in a lot of ways. There's nothing weak about that. If something like that happened to Alex, I would be on the floor, too. I don't think I'd be able to move. You saw me when I thought maybe Paul was here and real. I'm just as susceptible to them." She paused a breath, her gaze locked on his, "What you feel from the dreams...it's valid. Sometimes they still take me to my knees, even with all this time to learn." She knew that she needed to give what he asked, though…give him something to do or focus on that wasn't the images in his mind, "Would you hold me? And just…stay with me until I have to pull myself together and go give this presentation? Just…talk to me. About anything. Anything happy." -- It was going to take him some time to get accustomed to the fact that Embry was dreaming of Jo. He'd known the name Brooke, before now, but today's revelations that Brooke's new name, new life, collided so expertly with the one he dreamed of... It was a lot. And he'd have to learn how to keep it separate. Gideon already knew he wouldn't be able to cope in- in any sane way- if that line wasn't drawn. Gideon eyed the settee they'd been on before, but thought better of it, and just pulled Embry in closer to him there, as they were. He leaned his back up against the leg of the conference table, the chairs already pushed out of the way. Objectively, it was a foolish place to stay, but he felt (at least momentarily) safe. His hands moved around her waist, and Gideon lowered his legs so he could settle Embry into his lap. "We're getting married in fifty days," he offered, after a moment. "I... didn't beat up your ex. We're totally going to make a baby this year." -- She was still trying to wrap her mind around the revelation that they were dreaming of two people who had been together in another life. It hadn't been easier when she thought it was just Paul, and even if she knew Alex from her dreams, the fact that Gideon was now dreaming of him was still new information. She didn't want to think about what implications that might have for their own decisions or their inevitable draw to one another. Had they kept crossing paths in this life because of Jo and Alex? Was that initial like that had developed between them purely their own? It had to be. Every part of Embry loved Gideon, and she couldn't imagine choosing anyone else. She let him easily pull her back into his lap as he leaned there against the leg of that table, and she tucked herself against his chest, just listening to him breathe and feeling the beat of his heart beneath her palm, "Those are all excellent things." She brushed a kiss to the underside of his jaw, taking another breath, "I stood up to a Peter for the first time. We are honeymooning in Jamaica. We're going to be stellar parents, and get...all the new experiences that come along with it." --- His eyes half closed at that little kiss, but Gideon just concentrated on these things that were known. That were real. Part of him knew, of course, that Embry had said this was what she needed- but he had a feeling she'd said that because it was what he did, in the end. "I'm an upgrade," Gideon offered, a faint smile tugging just at the corners of his lips. "We had a really good coffee date." Minus what had come just after it, anyway. "You're going to show a whole auditorium full of people what a damn genius you are, but I get to go home with you." -- Embry was starting to feel like they were finding their way back to even ground. She knew that they would be growing pressed for time before long, but they still had a few moments to just be wrapped up in one another. It was going to take all of her focus to get her mind trained back on her presentation, but his next assurances helped. "You are the upgrade," she assured him with a grin, a slow and steady breath leaving her as she sat up a little straighter and leaned in to brush a few gentle kisses just there to his lips, "We'll always come home to each other. It doesn't matter what happens in any dream, good or bad, we've got each other. I promise." -- Those little kisses... Gideon sighed against Embry's lips, glad for the ease and comfort she was able to share. He'd been with her for nearly four years now, but he was more grateful for her today than he'd felt in... in a very long time. What would he have done, if those memories had come and she hadn't been here to reassure him? If she wasn't dreaming of Jo, and knew that Jo lived? "We are home to each other." Because even if he hadn't lived in that loft for very long on his own, it had become a home the moment Embry had taken residence. Even before they'd been dating. Gideon brought a hand up, idly tracing his fingers over Embry's jawline. "God, I'd be so lost without you." -- He was right. She knew it the moment that the words passed his lips. She never felt out of place anywhere that she was with him. She could go anywhere and feel as if she belonged as long as they were together. She certainly was attached to their loft as a living space, but without him it was hollow and empty. She loved it so much because it was where they were most often together. "I could definitely say the same," she assured him, shifting her head just a little to brush a kiss there against his fingertips. She let her eyes roam over his features, taking him in, and managed a small smile, "Think it would be okay to go scope out the auditorium? We have to make sure you get the very best seat." -- Though he knew they'd have to leave this safe little room, Gideon hadn't wanted to bring it up. Still, when Embry said it, he agreed. "We can do that." Once she had stood, Gideon did as well. His movements were slower, more deliberate, but he picked up his own messenger bag along with Embry's small bag. She likely wouldn't want to carry it with her on stage, after all, so he'd be in charge of it- and carrying it was the absolute least he could do, all things considered. Unlocking the door with one hand, Gideon held his other hand out to Embry. The world- the real world, not some dream-tinged facsimile- was out there for them. "Ready when you are." |