maxon winters ❄ jon snow. (stargaryen) wrote in dunhavenic, @ 2018-08-27 20:26:00 |
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Entry tags: | !network, * kit, c: lyllianna stone, c: maxon winters, c: rhys stone |
LYLLIA & RHYS
I know we've talked enough to clear the air between us, but I still feel like there's a distance there that wasn't there before I found out who we were to each other in another life, world, whatever we want to call it, and I know that distance is of my own making.
I have a lot of complicated baggage when it comes to the concept of family, something that I know you, Lyla, know almost as well as I do. I've had my entire life to pack it. Then I started having these dreams about Jon, followed by a self-inflicted memory dump wherein I lived through twenty years of his life in a span of days and he comes with even more baggage than I do. I wish I knew how to explain it better. For someone who halfway makes a career out of putting words together in a clever and pleasing way, I certainly fail to know how to do it now.
I often think about how things could have been different for me if Katherine or Catelyn could have loved me. I think about what it might have been like if I'd had a mother who loved me as fiercely as Catelyn loved her own children, or even as unconditionally as she hated me, or Jon. Knowing that, in one life, it could have been real if there had been no war, or there had been no reason for my, Jon's, mother to be guarded in a tower with no maester to help her [...] I don't know, it hurt enough to dwell on the what-ifs before I knew that there was a what-if that was so tangible.
And then there's the fact that the reason there was a war, or a reason for my mother to be guarded in a tower with no maester to help her was that the choices of my parents created the very reasons that I never knew them. Instead, those choices forced me to live a lie, one that I'm not sure I'll ever know is a lie in the life where it really counts. Being a bastard here hasn't mattered as much as Katherine hoped it would, but being a bastard defined most of Jon's life and that knowledge and feeling that as vividly as Jon does, or did, makes all of these thoughts and feelings that much more complicated.
I don't hold any of that against either of you. If Jon knew the truth, I don't think that he really would, either. I count myself lucky to have you, Lyla, especially, because you were the one person in my life who has loved me unconditionally from the moment I was born. Even as my aunt, you've been more of a mother to me than any maternal figure I've ever know, in this life or that one. I think it hurts more than I can express to know that Jon never got to feel that love.
I'm just telling you all of this because I want you to know where my head is at. It's my instinct to throw up walls between myself and the things that could hurt me, so I'm telling you all of this so that I can't do that. Not this time. I know we talked about it already and you've already forgiven me, but I'm still sorry that I left after you told me about Lyanna, Lyla. If I could have had you as my mother here, or there, I would have been extremely fortunate. And I know that your child could not ask for a better mom, or dad. I mean that, sincerely.
Anyway, that's all of it, I think. Sorry to just...dump this into a network post. I wasn't sure how to get it all out there otherwise.
I love you both, and I'm sorry my head's been such a mess lately.