The Murderbot Diaries - Murderbot, Ratthi, Volescu
So turns out holding down a mine shaft against undead mucus-spewing tentacle creatures is harder than it looked in Rise and Fall of Sanctuary Moon. (I know, right? That show really does have it all.) For some ludicrous reason (possibly something to do with collecting bacteria? To be honest, I wasn’t really listening), two of my humans thought it would be an excellent idea to go caving. At night. On an uncharted planet. Humans think they’re so clever. Good thing they thought to bring their SecUnit along... Oh wait, they didn’t. That’s why I’m covering their asses with gunfire.
*
I’d never have let them get this far in the first place. And they knew it. That’s why we’re in this mess. I had to mow down at least eight of the slimy assholes just to beat the monsters down here. And by here, I mean this weirdly geometric cave where Ratthi and Volescu were pottering around totally oblivious to the danger they were in. I’ve never wanted to face-palm so badly, and I consider it one of the most stupid gestures in existence. The caught on real quick, though, once I explained things to them. Loudly. With swearing.
*
Meanwhile, those undead mucus-spewing tentacle creatures—I did mention them, right?—they have all our exits blocked. Like, all of them. We’re stuck down here. You’d think being a soulless construct used to riding in cargo pods, I’d be pretty impervious to claustrophobia. Well, lucky me, I’ve grown as a person. Turns out being trapped underground scares the crap out of me.
“On the count of three, run. Got it?”
The drones I’d dispersed were feeding me heat signatures, so I was pretty sure which tunnel had the fewest ooglies. Of course, that’s when my risk assessment module alerted.
*
Never a winner at the best of times, it seemed to think my bright idea was a suicide mission. Too bad. We didn’t have a choice.
“One!”
I discharged my arm gun at the ceiling, hoping to hell my calculations were right. Three of the tunnels collapsed, sending tentacle gunk everywhere. Only one way out now.
“Two!”
I threw everything I had at the remaining swarm. Hive? Pack? Gobbets of flesh rained down like revolting hailstones. They stung. Acid, great. I didn’t stop shooting until the walls were covered in muck and the only thing left twitching was me.
“Three!”
*
Ratthi and Volescu sprinted in my wake as I took point, shooting at anything that moved. By the time we made it to the surface, my performance reliability was at 39% and falling fast. Tentacle acid? Not my thing. Caves? Even more not my thing. I have no regrets. We made it back to the habitat with neither human realising just how close I was to systems failure. Fortunately, they left me to my repair cubicle, too mortified—I'm assuming here—to want to talk. And that’s how we survived the Great Undead Tentacle Monster Cave Siege of Planet Ooglie.