loki laufeyson (toberuled) wrote in doorslogs, @ 2012-08-29 00:07:00 |
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Entry tags: | hulk, loki |
Who: Louis and Anton
What: Sushi!
Where: Sushi Roku
When: Recently, but before Evan went to jail and things improved in Anton's love life.
Warnings/Rating: None!
Louis was looking forward to having dinner with Anton, to carve out a few hours where he could have a scrap of normalcy and some conversation in the chaos that his life had been ever since he moved to Las Vegas, even moreso lately. He’d gone to both Evan’s visiting hours, and he’d refused to come out both times. They said he’d been sedated, restrained, and isolated, and every morning he woke up trying to push down the panic that he might have done the precise opposite of what he should have. Maybe Evan was right. Maybe it really wasn’t any of his business to tell him what he was permitted to do with his life. Picturing Evan in that place, remembering all the things Eames had said about the many ways this was his fault, it was hard not to feel like he’d done everything wrong.
Dinner was an opportunity to get out of his apartment, away from the work he’d dived into to occupy his mind, and clear his head a little. He even managed to convince himself that it might work.
Regardless, he more than owed Anton a chat. He’d been a huge help with the messy clan of his family, particularly when Louis himself had been too busy being a coward to be there for them. He fully intended to pick up the tab, knowing full well it couldn’t possibly make up all the favors Anton had done for him recently.
Sushi Roku was neither the newest nor the hottst restaraunt destination on the strip, and that was precisely why Louis had chosen it. The dining room was comfortably dim, the food reliably good, and they served excellent sake, which was a relief, considering that Louis fully intended on getting some. He was there a little before their agreed meeting time at eight o'clock, dressed a little better even than his usual functionally form-fitting suits. This one was tightly tailored, black, and had appeared his closet while he was missing from his own mind. It was definitely more Loki’s style than his, but he still had to concede it was a nice thing indeed, and since no dent had appeared in his bank account Loki had likely stretched his usual wiles to get hold of it. Well, no reason for it to sit mouldering in the closet. He poured himself a cup of tea from the slick black teapot, and waited.
Anton was dressed as he often was, a finely tailored suit, blue today, with a nice tie and perfectly shined shoes. He had been working at home that day so he didn’t look a bit rumpled from a long day of work as he’d spent his long day working in a pair of jeans and a tee shirt at the house. He was glad to be getting out of the house, he was more glad to be getting out amongst people he didn’t see every day of his life. Not that he didn’t love his family, and love his one friend. But it was nice to see a not so familiar, but still friendly face.
His head was pounding, but he was blaming his counterpart’s counterpart. It wasn’t easy carrying that around and it was part of the reason he let Dr. Banner have so much of his time just to ease the dull roar once in a while. Even though his head was pounding you couldn’t tell it by looking at him. He walked into the restaurant head held high and made his way over to the table the hostess directed him to. He smiled, all teeth and charm, he didn’t know any way else to be around people he barely knew. The facade would fall eventually but it was best to play it safe. Charming Anton Sparke at your service. He liked to make a good impression, and while they were seemingly overly involved in the same people’s lives, he didn’t want to bring the room down by starting in on all of the bullshit right away. This was supposed to be fun after all. He slid into the seat across from Louis as he said his hellos and looked at his watch, “I hope I’m not late and you’re just early. Punctuality isn’t usually my strong suit but I tried,” he said genuinely.
“I’m early,” Louis said, with a small smile. “You are precisely on time.” He was still holding the pot of tea in his hand, so he poured Anton out a cup. He set the teapot down, and picked up his own cup. “You look well,” he said, which in this town and amongst their circle was not entirely the small talk it seemed. It was always good to see someone who didn’t look totally out of sorts, especially lately. It was also nice to see Anton when he was completely sober, unlike last time. Perhaps he’d get a second chance at a first impression. “How have you been? I know it’s been a few weeks. Things have been...” a faint press of lips, and a raise of the brow. “Hectic.” He offered an apologetic smile. At the very least, he could still put on a good face that he was just pressing on and keeping things together. He suspected living in England for ten years was to blame for that, as it was responsible for his elegant hand at pouring tea. Lots of practice at both.
Anton was glad for two things. The first being that he was on time, the second being that he looked well. Out of sorts was the understatement of the century, but he was going with it. The pressure of Vegas life and the pressures on the Other Side were wearing on him but that didn’t mean he had to actually let that be known. He thanked him for the tea but chuckled slightly, “I might need something a bit stronger,” he admitted before taking a drink of the tea which was nice. “Hectic is putting it lightly, work life balance has never been my strong suit now I’m afraid I’ve got work/life balance issues on both sides of the door. It is good to see you though, I’m glad we were able to get together over something a bit more civilized than cheeseburgers and an overabundance of alcohol.”
Louis smiled a little. "Yes, well, that was...a bit embarrassing, I must admit." Even in the dim light, it was clear that he'd flushed just a little, color creeping up his neck. "I don't usually make a habit of drinking so much. I appreciate you putting up with me when I was in that state, it was very kind. I owe you a decent, civilized dinner for it, at the very least."
The waiter came by, a young man in his early twenties, attentive and professional with a dazzling smile, blond-haired and blue-eyed. Louis ordered the sake, let Anton order what he wanted, and waited for him to leave again before continuing. It was funny. The waiter was undeniably very attractive, but he stirred nothing for him. All he'd been able to manage in return to his light conversation was a vague smile. "Clearly, I couldn't agree more," he said, leaning back from the table a bit, the half-eggshell shape of the teacup clasped in the crook of his long fingers.
Anton waved his hand, “Please don’t be embarrassed, I have done things far worse that have been far more publicized than drinking too much and demanding cheeseburgers. It was no problem whatsoever and you have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about,” he said genuinely. As many times as he got caught with his pants down, booze in his car, drugs on his person, with a different piece of eyecandy weekly...He had no room or desire to judge. At all.
Anton was charming at the waiter, he was charming at everyone on his best days, and he was determined to make the best of it. Sake, far too much food, and a bottle of red wine just in case, Anton was going to enjoy being out and normal if it killed him.
The sake came soon after, warming the small porcelain cups in which it was served to the touch. Louis set his tea aside and picked up the sake instead, grateful for the indulgence. "And yet you somehow remain charming as ever, and no one dares to hold it against you," Louis pointed out. "I suspect it's because you have an excellent jaw." It felt good to stretch his sense of humor a little, dry and sharp, quiet, and rarely used these days at all. He'd always been serious, but even moreso in the past few months. "How have things been, Anton? Really." He wanted an honest answer, and details, this time. He drank the short cup of sake in two quick swallows, then set it down for the moment. "Tell me about those work and life balance issues you mentioned."
Anton chuckled and shrugged his shoulders with a wry smile, “You learn very early on that when you are rich and famous you can get away with anything, and eventually you start seeing just how much. It’s the little known secret that isn’t really a secret at all, at least I’ve grown out of that bit, the jaw however is mine and I’m keeping it.” He said with a very serious nod (that wasn’t all that serious at all).
Anton held his Sake cup up, said ‘Cheers,’ and drank. “How have things been?” he repeated sitting back in his seat a bit his shoulders relaxing just a bit and he exhaled, “That’s a loaded question, let’s just say that one thing I have yet to grow out of is my desire to run and hide from difficult situations. The difficult situation moved to Las Vegas at the urging of Nell, who for all her wonderful traits is a bit of a meddler. The interesting barrage of memories didn’t make the situation all that much less difficult, but I suppose it gives me a good reassurance that leaving was a good idea. And then there’s the issue of the damn doors and my idiot other half who is way too smart to be so damn depressed all the time. So I’ve just taken to working all the time, which continues to worry Nell, and she calls the difficult situation - also my doctor how is that for saucy? - and we start all over again.” There was more, there were more details, but it was the most he’d said to another “official” adult human being in months and it was almost therapeutic. He smiled brightly, all white straight teeth and mischief in his eyes as he cocked his head a bit, “Your turn.” Then he poured himself another Sake.
"This...situation," Louis said, pouring another sake for himself as well when Anton was done, "Is he someone you actually want to see, or is Nell being over-helpful? As for her, she's your daughter, isn't she? Step-daughter, something like that? That does seem meddling to me. Have you considered tell her that her input in the 'situation' isn't helping it?" He shook his head. "As for people door side, I'm not sure I can talk. He's simply going to have to work through it on his own, whatever it is that's making him depressed. You can try to help him, but working all the time isn't going to fix it, I don't think, if you don't mind my unasked for advice."
His turn. Where to even start? "Well, my alter's been difficult, but he's never been easy," Louis said, with a small sigh. "For once, though, he isn't my primary concern. Evan's taken a turn for the very bad." He tipped his sake cup this way and that, watching the liquid inside slosh lightly back and forth. "He disappeared for a while. Drinking. He came back, and then we broke up." He tipped his head, raising a brow. "Or, he told me to find someone better, and walked away, and I couldn't find the wherewithal to chase him." He downed the sake, setting the cup aside again. "I tracked him down again, did something I regret to a girl I'm not even sure deserved it anymore, and then Evan's alter informed me he'd been driving all his improvement before he went on that bender. All the progress he'd made, subtly manipulated by the man on the other side. He kindly informed me everything was my fault, and now he's refusing to help." He shrugged, slowly. "Now Evan's in a facility. He's not cooperating. It isn't...I don't know. I feel as if I've done everything completely wrong." He smiled faintly. "Sorry. I suppose that was a little too much information to be tactful. I told myself I wasn't going to talk about it, or think about it tonight, and now, here we are."
Anton tapped his fingers on the edge of the table thoughtfully and shrugged his shoulders, “I don’t have a great history in that whole seeing people thing. And the ‘situation’ certainly doesn’t. He’s not really in it for that, for once I’m looking for something a bit more. But I respect him, we’re good friends and the last thing I want to do is make it awkward. So I’m not going there,” he did laugh when he mentioned Nell and sighed a bit, “She was more concerned about my health I’m afraid. There are very few people I’ll take medical advice from,” he admitted just a bit sheepishly. “I think the biggest issue with the guy on the other side is that he works all the time too, we have quite a bit in common surprisingly enough. I like science, he likes science. I like taking in wayward souls, he seems to have developed a liking for it. He’s got a bit more issues,” he said bringing his hand up and giving Louis the universal sign for crazy, “But he’s moral. And good. So that’s something at the very least.”
As Louis recounted his problems with Evan he wondered how many times he’d worried people much the same way. He could count on one hand the amount of people, throughout his life, that had given much of a shit about his unhealthy habits and he knew everything they’d worked through to help. Everything they’d put up with. And more importantly what had been sacrificed on behalf of him. Granted that situation had ended badly, and was not something he was going to drudge up five years later. But here he was nonetheless listening to someone else dealing with a difficult situation and the best he could do was offer a soft smile. “People aren’t incredibly receptive to what it is they need, especially when it’s being told to them from someone else and it counters what they believe they actually need. It took me a very long time to leave the path of self destruction and I’m not always convinced I haven’t still got one foot on that brick road. But once the dust settled, and the clouds cleared out of my mind, I saw the situation for what it was. And realize how,” he paused and tried to think of the best way to put it. “How obvious it was to everyone else, and it just took me a long time to figure out that I needed to be pushed from time to time. It cost me almost everything and the people I cared about, and some of that will never be fixed. There will never be closure. But now I can see where it all went wrong. I don’t know if that’s helpful, or inspiring but the day does eventually come. I guess what I’m trying to say is that you didn’t do it completely wrong. Whatever ‘it’ was, the situation itself is wrong. And there are no clear answers, but you care, and that matters.” He sighed, “And we don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, if you’d rather think about something else I understand. But from the perspective of someone who’s been on that other side, it’s really his choice how horrible he wants to make this. Not yours. And certainly not your fault.” It was the best he could do without knowing all of the history, but he knew how he had behaved. How he had acted for most of his adult life. And the people he blamed for his problems, and the people he’d lost because of his choices. He wasn’t well, but he wasn’t angry anymore either. “Then again I almost died so I’m thinking I probably have a bit of a different perspective,” he said brushing that bit off just as he always did. “Lord I can be verbose. Pass that bottle,” he said with a chuckle.
"In that regard, you're a lucky man," Louis said. That his alter was moral despite his problems and workaholic nature was a blessing Louis could keenly, wistfully appreciate. The waiter came by again, derailing any attempts to pursue that thought. Louis ordered, pouring another small glass of sake out as Anton ordered for himself. Once the waiter disappeared again, he said, "You are a better judge of the situation than I, since I am only hearing about it second hand. But I will just say that it might be worth giving it a try, if the opportunity presents itself, even with your misgivings. You never know what someone might be capable of, if you give them the chance. And you can't let your history discourage you." He smiled faintly. "If I did, I wouldn't see anyone, ever."
When Anton was done recounting his own story, Louis felt badly for bringing it up. "I had no idea you'd been through something similar," he said. "I am sorry. I didn't intend to strike quite so close to home." He settled the cup of sake in his hand again. He was beginning to feel the very edge of a buzz, but wasn't anywhere near it yet. "I only hope he comes around eventually, as you did." He had to believe that would happen, perhaps even someday soon, or it would all be for nothing. He smiled a little when Anton asked for the bottle, and passed it over. "Nonsense. I'm perfectly happy to listen to you talk," he said. That Anton had almost died was jarring. It didn't mesh with his image of the man across from him, self-confident and at ease. "I keep trying to remember that he's made this choice himself, but it's...difficult," he said, and didn't elaborate. Eames had given such a brilliant dissertation on why and how he had failed Evan, in such intimate detail, that it was hard not to believe. Evan might have made the choice to drink, but he would continue to feel as if he'd had as much a hand in driving him back to it as that girl had. He waved a hand. "But this is hardly very good dinner conversation. I'll take the bottle back when you're done with it, if you don't mind," he added, with a brief flash of a wider smile. It was quiet, maybe even a little sad, but there was still humor in it. It was just so good to have someone to talk to, even if he did feel guilty about laying his issues on the table.
Lucky except for the Hulk that was hardly a joy to be around for anyone. He certainly wasn’t fun to carry around in his mind. He consistently worried about walking through the door and just ‘Hulking out’ as soon as he did and hurting someone. He knew Bruce worried too. But the headaches were no joke. Bruce didn’t get them, but Anton didn’t have the ability to let the Hulk out when he felt he needed to. Anton ordered an ungodly amount of food, but that wasn’t terribly new. “The keyword being if the opportunity presents itself, which if I know this man - which I do, it won’t. And I’m actually okay with it, I am not in the habit of changing people. He is smart and knows what he wants, and I have to commend him for that. If it changes, well, hopefully I wouldn’t let my misgivings get in the way. But who knows, I’m God’s gift to self destruction,” he said it with a smile and as nonchalant as one could. He was comfortable with it, as annoying as it could be. He knew what he could expect from himself most of the time.
“Don’t apologize, it’s a part of my life that’s there and was published for all the world to see. It’s done and over now, and it’s easy to have come through that and see who I pushed away and who is better off now. I was lucky that there were some unlikely allies to get me through the fallout. Then as I was getting my act together and realizing what was important I got injured and sick and learned,” he paused thoughtfully, there were a great many things Anton had learned when he’d been recovering from heart surgery. A great many things and lessons, “Well I learned first and foremost that I didn’t have as much of a deathwish as I thought I did. That, I think, was the most telling of all. I was miserable, and lonely, and practically an invalid but I got well again. I’m not afraid to remember it, if we don’t do that then I think what we learn kind of goes to waste. For a long time I assumed it was how much money I had, and how my company was doing, what I was inventing, what girls I was out with, what boys I was out with, what parties I was invited to and how many cars I could manage to have. Lessons are hard learned but I try not to forget them. I still love making money, and driving fast cars, and inventing new toys but Sake with friends and playing ridiculous board games with Nell is pretty rewarding as well.”
Anton poured himself another glass and handed it back to Louis with a grin. Apparently it was group therapy night at Sushi Roku, but the conversation was pleasant and he was comfortable. “The problem with blaming yourself for someone else’s downward spiral is that there’s no way you can fix it. You can say that yes you behaved badly, or yes you got into a fight, or you said no when they wanted you to say yes. Or vice versa...But ultimately we’re responsible for what we do and how we react. It’s not fair, and I’ll tell you this because I know it well I used to love the blame game it’s what happens when you come from an existence where no one tells you no, to hold back or temper your reactions because of what someone else might do. All the mistakes you might have made in the world don’t change the fact that it was up to him to decide how to react. Tempering yourself isn’t being fair to either of you, it’s almost like lying really, and then sure you might have a few days of peace but then it’s just more lies on top of lies. And before you know it you’re actually living a lie every day of your life. It wasn’t your fault he made the choices he did, there is always option B. And if he didn’t take it, that’s on him just as much as it’s on you if you decide to lie or tell the truth. Or if I decide to order chicken or steak even though I know the latter is going to clog my arteries and piss Dr. Difficult Situation off,” he said with a wry smile. Be upset, and angry, and hurt, and concerned, but try not to be guilty,” he held up the small cup of Sake and raised it slightly, “Here’s to things that are easier said than done.” And he finished it off quite quickly.
"If your misgivings step in front of you, call me," Louis said. "I'll try to talk them out of standing in your way." Anton was a good man, and he deserved someone good. It sounded as if this person he'd set his heart on might be too afraid of commitment or moving on to something serious to be a good match, but if he was the man Anton wanted, he ought to have him.
"You're a lucky man," Louis said, smile warming a little. Yes, the sake was getting to him, but just enough to relax him at last. "You lived through the trial by fire, and it taught you something." He hoped the same might happen with Evan, but he wasn't so sure about that anymore. He took another cup of sake from Anton with thanks, and downed it in one long swallow. "I know that," he said with a sigh. "Intellectually, I understand that he is going to make his own decisions. It's just...difficult." He found himself staring at the bottom of his empty sake cup again. Anton's toast earned him another smile, though, and Louis looked up from his hands, lifted his cup to Anton's, and mimed a swallow despite the fact that there was nothing there. Fitting, really. An empty promise to not be guilty. Lord knew Anton was right - it was going to be easier said than done, not blaming himself.
“And I will happily wish you luck, they are some very troublesome misgivings,” he said with a shrug but the smile was there just the same as it often was. Anton didn’t think that his life was ever going to be what anyone considered normal, he had come to realize that there were certain things that were for him and certain things that he didn’t get to have. He tried really hard to veer into wanting the things he couldn’t have, but it wasn’t easy.
“I am very lucky,” he agreed. “But I didn’t think so when I was living through said trial,” he said sighing. “And it’s going to be difficult. We, meaning people, have this uncanny knack for taking the troubles of others and worrying ourselves to death over them. We wonder what we should do differently, how we can fix things, the other animals on this planet? They leave each other to die if you slow the herd down. I don’t know if we’ve got it worked out or if they all just know something we don’t. But I will say that I certainly wouldn’t be here today if it weren’t for people wishing to take responsibility for me, as pathetic as that sounds. It’s true. I hope you call me if you need anything, even if it’s just some hot Sake and a night off.”
"I could always use some hot sake and a night off," Louis said, with a faint smile. "Thank you, Anton. And I don't know if it's good for us, but if we didn't have that impulse to care for each other rather than leaving the damaged behind, I don't know how far our species would have made it. We certainly wouldn't be human beings."
The waiter arrived then with the food, presenting Louis with a carefully plated sampler of a few types of sushi. He picked up chopsticks, trying the uni first. "Promise me you'll at least give it a try, if something happens between you and your difficult situation? Things haven't been so smooth for me in the world of love either, but I'd like to think someone has a chance, at least. Do it for the sake of my waning optimism?”
Anton smiled softly as well, “You’re talking to a man who adopted a teenage girl willingly and has Iris living full time in a room she’s painted bright yellow, I couldn’t leave the damaged behind anymore than you could. But it’s a fleeting thought I think, I used to leave a wake of destruction behind me, and it did not wind up serving me well. As lonely as it has been, this has still be a gross improvement on the life before.” And he would swear on that until the day he died. “When I got sick, and woke up from major heart surgery and had people actually waiting around to see if I lived or died, people besides the press, that was a pretty intense moment for me. The next few months were complete shit, I felt sorry for myself all the time, but I felt sorry for myself from a room in a house with people who cared.”
Anton nodded and picked up his chopsticks and grabbed whatever was in front of him, he’d eat just about anything really. It was all delicious. “I will give it a try, and believe me, I think we all have a chance. I have only recently started thinking about what it is I want, and shockingly settling down with someone doesn’t sound as terrible as it used to.”