Re: jack c/cerise s
[It takes quite a while for him to respond.]
I think you know, maybe better than anyone, that if I could turn on that kind of love for you, I would do it. But I can't force it, any more than I can turn it off, or any more than you can. I know it's a paltry response, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry things aren't different.
I don't want you to keep living because I feel responsible for you. I want you to keep living because of the friendship we had, and the years we spent together. I'm not over what happened with Max, but that doesn't mean I want anything less for you now than I wanted for you then. I don't want to see you find yourself where I did. When one person is your world, you'll do anything to people who've hurt them, and any threat to them is like a threat to all your happiness. I don't want that. I was glad for you when you found someone. I was glad that you'd found it in you to care for more people, to branch out and start to build a base for yourself.
I know things didn't work out, but I still want that for you, and the only way that's going to happen is if you try to get to know people who aren't me or anyone who reminds you of the bad days. I'm not going anywhere, but you need more people. I can't be the ticket to happiness for you. There's nothing I can send you to go do that will make everything alright for me, and your happiness can't ride on my happiness. I can't guarantee mine, ever. Even if things get really great, I can't promise something won't happen.
I'm trying to find something to live for. I'm working on that. It's taking time. If you want to do something for me, it's not to go become a nun, it's the opposite. It's to make friends and try to get back into the normal world, with people who have nothing to do with the sort of things you and I have both been through. No more death, or drugs, or killing. People who have their lives together better than I do.