Re: Ashleigh/Casey
Don't talk to me, Casey, like I'm a child who hasn't experienced the world. I've been married, if you'll recall, and then had to bury my husband after only a couple of years of marriage. I may not have traveled the world, but I've lived as an adult since I got out of college. I own a pub back home, one that Matthew's parents started and we took over after we got married. It's still mine, and I've got people I trust back there taking care of things while I'm here. But it's mine, that income is mine, not mummy and daddy's money, as you put it. I am financially stable, and I do not need the support of a man or a woman in order to stand on my own two feet. I've done quite a good job of living a life on my own.
And judging from the conversations I've had with my friends back in Edinburgh who have had kids of their own, you're never 'ready'. Some had kids without planning it, and they've done just fine. Others have planned and planned, and it wasn't enough. So rubbish on ever being 'ready' to have children.
I may not have traveled the world and had a bunch of sex with people I don't care about, but I haven't really fancied doing that. I had the opportunity before, and I chose to settle down in Edinburgh with Matthew and start a life there.
You wonder why I keep referring to this as a catastrophe. Let's point out a few reasons:
"an unplanned child spawned by people..." "only one at your baby shower." "one of the few family members left" "one more kid suffer..."
It's all doom and gloom and franky quite a bit more miserable than England during the rainy season. After the picture the lot of you have painted for me ever since you found out I was seeing Alexander, how could I see it as anything but? I apologise that my first instinct isn't to simply run to a doctor and have them take care of it. I'm sorry if I can't see myself taking the easy way out and just killing it.
You know why I don't? Do you really want to know why I can't see myself doing that? Because I imagine that several decades ago, a woman I've never met was faced with the same decision. She could have had an abortion, could have solved her problem nice and neatly, but she chose to go through with it. I don't know much about my mother, but I know she was young when she had me, and she could have easily done something else about it. But she didn't, and that's why I'm here.
I didn't plan for any of this to happen, and if I could go back in time and figure out a way to keep this from happening, I probably would. But fuck all, I was on the pill, I'm damned religious about taking it every single fucking day. I do my damnest to be safe, but sometimes, shit happens. Sometimes shit happens the first fucking time you find yourself with a man you fancy in years.
Just like you said, I have options. And just because I'm not open to abortion, Casey, doesn't mean I'm some stupid child that you can talk down to. I'm scared, I'm more than a little upset, and when it came down to it, I guess I was hoping my family would be able to see past some of this enough to take a moment, give me a hug, and tell me we'd get through it somehow.
I know I'm a bad sister. I didn't even think about what I got the lot of you for Christmas, and I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry for not keeping in contact. I'm sorry for a lot of things, and I suppose this'll just be one more thing I continue to apologise for.