Doors Anon (![[info]](https://www.insanejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} doorsanon) wrote in ![[info]](https://www.insanejournal.com/img/community.gif){kind=small} doors,@ 2013-09-15 14:50:00 |
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[Around midnight on Saturday night just as the Wizarding Wireless Network is signing off for the night with the typical "Goodnight Wizard London" instrumental which was written by Duke Sceltfire in 1894 a strange static begins to appear followed by a loud screech comparable to a dragon screech and then the sound of silence for about three seconds before the slightest sound of a throat clearing. The voice that begins to speak has a youngish cadence to it, thought it is deep. There's a bit of hoarseness to it, and it is only slightly altered by magic.]
Don't adjust the dials on your broken down old radios, I thought it a shame that after all this time we're still having our daily broadcasts sign off by using that tired old tune. Instead I've decided to pop in and lull you from "Soft Sounds and Love Letters with Glenda Chittock" to the overnight broadcasts of paid advertisements.
By the way, if you're interested - apparently tonight there is going to be homemade enchanted jewelry made by Horatio Jones, after that you're going to be barked at by George Dudley on why you should be buying his broomsticks, there will be a write in pay for prophecy hour at 4 in the morning. And last but certainly not least, according to my blatantly stolen information there will be a presentation of a book about new household spells by [papers rustling] what the hell? By Charlotte Hawkins? Really? My how the mighty have fallen. Listeners Charlotte Hawkins was in my year at Hogwarts - well, it would be rude to say - but I will in any case. She broke the hearts of Hufflepuffs the world over. It's nice to see she's doing something useful with her time now. Perhaps in an effort to scourge the blackness from her heart.
[A beat]
Has anyone been to the library at Hogwarts recently? I can't be the only displaced person wandering around 20 years late, not from what I have seen in any case. I'd call it weird even for London. In any case, the library at Hogwarts has the best collection of newspapers from the last 20 years to try and get a bloke caught up on all the goings on such as foreign affairs, economic trends, inflation rates, the rise and fall and [...] well the then subsequent rise and fall of Dark Lords, and my personal favorite - quidditch scores. Honestly, people, we're living in a world where the Irish are world cup champions. How exciting.
[There is the sound of more static coming through, trying to scrub out the voice, but after a bit of an auditory static war the voice is back.]
Alright, well, it seems to me like the WWN isn't keen on what I've got to say - I can't imagine why. I'm sure all of you are just waiting on on tenterhooks to see what I'll say next. You're all waiting for the punchline, or worse, waiting for the horror to begin. Fear not, I am not preaching about the dawn of a new age - I'm not calling for servants or anarchy. I'm not here to report the news - though I'd be happy to read it to you. Either past or present.
For example - on this day in 1979 the following things happened.
Number one, Puddlemere United banded together after a dreadful season full of injuries and losses and relying on their third string seeker - managed to win the division championship game even though their presence there was the result of not one, but two teams being disqualified due to the use of alertness spells and attention to detail draughts being given to their seekers.
Number two, four local business owners went missing from their shops in Diagon Alley. There were no firm suspects but authorities on the scene said Death Eaters were clearly responsible [A sigh, and the sound of a cigarette lighter and an inhale and exhale of smoke]. Apparently the business owners were pureblood witches and wizards who were thought to be providing - and this is a direct quote here - "services to muggleborns." Their names are listed here. But no one has forgotten them. I know I haven't. A bookshop, a bake shop, a herbologist, and a tea house. [deadpan] Yes. I can see the threat there. And yet the same exact thing happened in 1995. The same thing! Come on people, history repeats itself for a reason.
[A beat, and the silence so sensitive one, if listening closely, could hear the sound of the cigarette paper burning with every inhale]
We're almost out of time, honestly, this could be the last they might find a way to drown me out before I next feel like talking. Perhaps another Celestina Warbeck marathon will do the trick to cover up the dulcet tones of my voice. I'm going to leave you now I suspect. The advertisers are due to start in about thirty seconds. So in that thirty seconds I'm going to leave you with one last thought.
I've got nothing really to say, nothing really for anyone to listen to, and not many familiar or welcoming faces to greet me on my return here. I'm just a bloke sitting in a kitchen with a cat breaking into the WWN because I got bored. But maybe you're in the same boat so if you want to write me - You can find me in these strange books or you can write me at WPO-eight-nine-seven. Goodnight London, and remember if it only takes twenty years for the Irish to win the Quidditch World Cup, there may be hope for the lot of us after all.
And now onward to Horatio Jones. Act now and save.
[There is another epic bout of static and the faint sound of people saying "what do you mean you can't stop it?!" and the sound of fumbling around at the main WWN HQ when someone says "you're back on the air! Everyone can hear you!" Before it goes straight into Horatio Jones' booming voice "DO YOU LIKE JEWELRY WITH HEALING PROPERTIES?! WELL IF YOU ACT NOW...." And all is back to normal.]