@lordruthven: BREAKING NEWS: Public life easier to navigate than ever with nowhere left to go @lordruthven: Mother of Knockturn Alley gamer laments ID program: 'Now I'll never get him out of the house' @lordruthven: Madam Umbridge reports new Ministry IDs good for bowel and colon health: 'It will not cause you to evacuate your bowels' @lordruthven: DMLE considers handcuffing hitwizards to promote safety: 'Our hands just aren't tied enough to protect the public yet' @lordruthven: Ministry names cobblestones as greatest threat to peace in Diagon Alley: 'A broken ankle could ruin someone's day'