Oh, she understood all too well what being stuck in the same place felt like. She'd been in that place for months. Six unhappy, miserable months. Which, when she tried to sort it all out, came to a head -quiet literally in some ways. Now she'd pedaled herself backwards to the place where she had been stuck and confused. Ninkasi didn't want to be stuck there. She hated it there. Awkward and uncomfortable sucked.
She wanted to go back to the part where she could watch ruby with him and yell at the game until her voice started cracking, whether it was at the tv or they were in the stands surrounded by people. She wanted to go back to making him her guinea pig when she was feeling a bit mad scientist-y with some odd flavor concoction that did not always yield the best of results, but watching his face even when it was awful had always been worth it. She wanted to go back to being able to give him random stuff she found while out that made her think of him, or play little pranks on him or tell him stupid jokes... just to try to make him laugh because when he laughed his whole lit up so much she wanted to make him do it again.
She loved seeing him happy and she didn't get that for most of the last year. The whole past year sucked. Well, not all of it. Given the choice to edit out that part of her long life Ninkasi would take out all the moments she was alone and kept every single awkward moment Kratos was in it. Even the bad bit in March.
And then there was that whole mind-blowing sex thing...
“How could I not be...” She said, looking straight forward over her knees, crying again suddenly. She wasn't sad just... scared. “I just... don't like....” She turned her head slightly to look at Lottie. “I have seen some of the most terrifying things that creation has made in my long life but nothing... nothing has scared me as much as this, or made me feel as raw and...” she had to think of the right word a moment, “vulnerable.” But how could she not? “I spent so many years telling people that their happiness was always on their terms and not to rely on someone else for it... but, now I feel like I've been full of crap the whole time. Because if it was all on my terms, why was finding even a shred of joy without him impossible?”
Ninkasi leaned forward and tore of a bit of paper from the roll on the table to wipe at her eyes. “It means that I'm not as much of a,” she held up her index finger, “as I thought. Or... it means that I'm not longer the me that I thought that I was.” She shook her head and cried for a few moments. When he looked back at Lottie it was with a sniffle, a small shrug and a hard swallow. “But you know him... After all these years... how could I not love him?”