"I bawled all over him while he hugged me," Lottie replied honestly. It was the truth, simple as it was. Though she had a feeling Ninkasi was hoping for some kind of revelation on how to handle things.
"So you know how your parents sort of influenced you? Mine did too, just in a different way." One hand reached out to fiddle with a pretzel, because she didn't want to sound like she was blaming her parents at all. She wasn't. They were wonderful and had done nothing to harm her outlook on love and life, it was just...
"They kind of set an impossible standard to live up to," Lottie admitted. "They're sort of like Gomez and Morticia, times a thousand. They have this connection that's more than just... I don't even know how to describe it. It's like where one ends, the other begins, which is so cliche, I know, but it actually is them. My mom is Night and my dad is Darkness, so they're just part of each other, and that bled over into their marriage. So I grew up looking at that and thinking that was the only way couples could be together. And it became pretty obvious very early on that I wasn't going to be a one-on-one kind of girl. I tried, at the beginning, when I first discovered sex, I tried to be with just one at a time, but it never worked out. Something in me made me want to share affection, and trying to hold that in and stifle it, well, I went through a lot of discomfort then. And a lot of guilt. Until I figured out that it was okay to be like I was, which my mom helped with. After that, I just did my thing, you know? Hugs turned into more and sex happened a lot, with a lot of different people, it's all good.
"Then I met this guy." Philotes smiled in spite of herself. "Actually, the first time I met him, I said 'hubba hubba.' Out loud. In front of him. And his brother. But he just smiled at me and it was okay. And then we started spending time together, and though he doesn't say a whole lot, like ever, we have a lot in common actually, we share a lot of hobbies, we have a good time together and not just in the bedroom, and then he gave me a goat and I think that was the moment when I knew I was a goner. I mean, I hadn't actively been looking to be with anybody else since I'd met him, but that's when I figured out that I was deliberately avoiding it, because he was the only one I wanted to be with. And I had no idea how to do that, really. I'd never done it before.
"Then, he just kind of disappeared on me for a while," she sighed. "And I got stressed out, because he didn't call, because he didn't think to because he hadn't been in a relationship in a long time, and I didn't think I could call him because I hadn't been in a relationship in ever, so by the time he showed up again, I'd worked myself into a pretty good tizzy, and though we started out just talking, the next thing I know, I'm all but wailing that I'm sure I'm going to screw it all up and lose him and I can't do that because I'm pretty sure I'm falling for him."
The smile that came this time was bright, but tender. Recalling the way Vidar had acted that day made her chest ache in the very best way. "And he held me, cuddled me actually, dried my tears, kissed me, and told me he was falling for me too. And that he was just as scared as I was. But we decided we could handle it, together."
Lottie shrugged. "That's what happened. Best meltdown ever."