Hermes (poneomenos) wrote in deities_dot_com, @ 2013-09-14 08:45:00 |
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Entry tags: | ~hermes, ~loki, ~rosmerta, ~sigyn |
Video Blog (log with Hermes and Loki; Open to viewer responses)
The viewer will see a large desk with Hermes behind it. A whiskey bottle is off to his right beside two glasses.
Hermes: Hello, again. Welcome to another episode of Coffee, Tea, or Whiskey- where the answer is always whiskey. I'm The Messenger, and I will be pouring out the drinks, as well as serving up the latest gossip. For those of you joining us for the first time, or for those of you who got drunk with me in the last episode and don't remember, I have a couple of disclaimers. The people are real, but some of the names are changed to protect the innocent...namely, me!
Also, not everything I tell you is the truth. As I get drunker, I'm more likely to lie. Or maybe I'm lying now, and more likely to tell the truth as we go along. I leave it to you to decide what is fact and what is fiction.
Today I have a special guest with me in the studio. He got a bad rap many years ago, and is finally oot and aboot again, and I for one am glad he's back. The world was a little duller for a while there, folks. With that, I'm very happy to introduce my old friend, The Torch. Say hello to the viewers, Torchman.
Camera pans out to reveal Loki behind the other half of the desk.
Loki: Really?
Hermes: What?
Loki: You. I thought you said I got whiskey? Where's the whiskey?
Hermes: Well, you didn't give me a chance to offer. And I asked you to say hello to the viewers. So you say hello, and I'll pour the whiskey. Otherwise I'm giving you tea.
Loki: Hello. Gestures to get pouring...
Hermes: Fills two glasses and pushes one to Loki. Man of few words. For now. I promise you folks, he'll loosen up. Takes a sip of his whiskey.
Loki: Takes whiskey, lifts glass, then pauses and looks at Hermes quizzically. Dude, are you wearing eyeliner?
Hermes: Yes. Yes I am. The real question is why aren't you? You'd look great- you've got that great rocker vibe about you. I think I have some here... Starts to rummage through drawer to his right.
Loki: No. No. Absolutely not. Shots the whiskey.
Hermes: Let me know if you change your mind. Winks at camera and whispers loudly and dramatically. It's early yet. Refills Loki's glass. And he's already needing a refill. So, Torch, you had a party recently at your place. Do you want to tell the viewers about it?
Loki: We may or may not have lit the end of my driveway on fire... Wait. Is my wife going to see this? No, no, babe. We did NOT light the driveway on fire.
Hermes: We could always blame the Stay Puff Marshmallow Man for that. Him and Mac. Or Fire Boy, which seems more likely. Any one of them could have done anything you don't want to take the fall for. Me. Wasn't near the place. Or was I? Oh wait, couldn't have been. As you say, it didn't happen.
Loki: Right. Wait... you were the one that grabbed the Roman Candles. You said it was fine... I suppose it doesn't matter. I know one man whose liver definitely hated him the next morning. Chasing moonshine with moonshine? God damn.
Hermes: Bah. He would just get a new one anyway. And Roman Candles on their own don't get that out of control. They had a little help. Looks knowingly at the camera. Now who would do that?
Loki: I plead the 5th.
Hermes: There's no pleading the 5th on this show. But as you're new here, I'll let it slide. Takes another small sip of whiskey. What our viewers are really here for is all the great gossip and rumors flying around. And it has been a busy few months. I promise you good things. Torch, are you aware of the new relationships that have sprung up? I have it on very good authority that there are things going on that would split Umbridge's girdle. Not that Big Daddy will be much happier about it, but he's a little less purist than she is.
Loki: Oh? Please tell, and I'm going to warn you, every time you reference some Pop Culture crap I don't understand we are going to drink. So.... suck it down, Eyeliner Boy. Shots his whiskey.
Hermes: Drinks about half the glass. Hello, folks. I'm you host, Eyeliner Boy. This is my guest, Matchstick. He positions his thumb and forefinger to represent tiny stature. Laughing, he refills Loki's glass. Try this on for size then. Have you heard the Wendy Lady has returned to Neverland?
Loki: Wait. What the hell is that? Ok, no, I get the whole Peter Pan analogy you got going on there, but this.. this sipping shit. Have you no idea how to drink whiskey? You don't drink it like a frilly boy with your damn pinky out. You either sip it like a man, a man NOT wearing eyeliner, mind you... or you shot it.
Hermes: I am at least secure enough in my masculinity to wear eyeliner. And I can guarantee that I could get laid more times in a weekend with it than you can without. But as I am a good host... Slams drink, refills, and immediately shots that one. Happy?
Loki: Yes. And it is easy to get laid when you have no standards. Big teasing grin. Let's just agree that we are not going to compare notes on sexual exploits, thanks.
Hermes: Oh, I have standards. I'm just a little more open minded as to my options. Winks. As for exploits, I recall a few visits to my homeland when you were a little bit younger. While I'm sure mine is a longer list, I am willing to admit you have a few... noteworthy experiences yourself. But as you are so scared that your wife is watching, let's go back to the topic at hand. I believe we were discussing Wendy. Are you aware of what she has been up to?
Loki: No, never met the girl, so wouldn't have paid attention even if I had heard something. Is she taking Michael's teddy bear away? Telling John to grow a set? Slapping the chip right off Tinkerbell's shoulder?
Hermes: Oh, it's better than that. Though the chip on Umbridge's shoulder is likely to model the Grinch's heart. You know, the one that grew three sizes that day? Though she would never lower herself to watch this, so I'm sure I'm pretty safe spilling the beans. Anyway, the Wendy Lady has fully deserted the Lost Boys and joined forces with Captain Hook.
Loki: Really... well... wait... Hook? Pensive look, sips his whiskey while thinking who Hook is... Oh. Wow. Ok. Well, no accounting for taste, I guess. How did you find that out? Did she ruffle your ears, call you a good girl, and confide in you, Nana? Winks
Hermes: Now who's pussying around with his whiskey? I saw that. And she and I are actually very close. I'm guessing Granny Clampett is ecstatic over this. What do you think Cyclops' opinion would be? You know him better than I do.
Loki: I doubt either his or his wife's opinion is anything other than... Does girly jazz hands and exaggerated wide happy face. oh my god he's getting laid, whoo!!! Goes back to normal. If it is, I will be very surprised.
Hermes: It's my understanding Hook has been playing the celibate monk for far too long to be healthy. How does he take care of himself with that hook? OWWW! Of course, one does learn to compensate for the loss of an appendage with the other one, I suppose.
Loki: .... Blink.... MORE WHISKEY!!! Shots from his glass.
Hermes: The Torch and Hook aren't exactly best buds, for good reason. Pours. Moving on...there's more between these two families. Bubbles is now involved with Silent Bob. Seems it's becoming a family affair. But seriously, how does that work? Now I love her to bits, but how does he get her to shut up long enough to have any real fun? Can you imagine that pillow talk? Blah, blah, blahdy blah blah, nod from Bob, blah blab blab, nod from Bob, blabby blab blab...at which he finally speaks up and asks if they are going to actually do it.
Loki: Easy. Put something in her mouth to shut her up. Grins.
Hermes: And hope it works before she bites right through it.
Loki: I'm thinking it would take more than just talking pressure to do any real damage. Not that I want to find out. Looks at camera and makes challenging face.
Hermes: Have you seen her talk when she's on a roll? You must have. EVERYONE has! But word has it your people are a hardy lot, so he might be okay. Pity, I don't believe I've had the pleasure myself to find out. Pretends to pout then grins broadly at the camera and takes a drink. Speaking again of your people and mine, inquiring minds want to know. Is the buzz right that your own daughter has met someone...special?
Loki: Gives Hermes a suspicious look and moves a scant distance further away, just to be safe. You know... I... I don't know. I'm not sure I want to know. I don't have a shotgun and I'm hardly threatening. I am ill prepared for such an event.
Hermes: Laughs as he watches Loki shift his position. Nothing to fear, old friend. I know where your tastes lay. As for the lad in question, it's probably just as well you don't have a gun. Wouldn't do you much good. And what father is ever prepared? But as you don't wish to know, I won't divulge more. I'll leave that to her. Looks at camera. Now, don't groan at me. I can't give away every secret. What would there be for the next show?
Loki: I honestly don't know. But hell, as long as it doesn't involve frilly dresses or show tunes, I'd say it'll be good.
Hermes: Best check ahead of time then before you join me out on the town on a Friday night.
Loki: o.O
Hermes: Speaking of which, I think it's time for....THE PROP BOX! Applause track with whistling and cheering has been edited in. Hermes disappears below the desk, followed by a dragging sound before reappearing. Dig in, let's see what we can find tonight.
Loki: Empties glass, edges it down to Hermes, and starts digging in the box... he finds... something hairy and pulls it out. Oh what the shit is this? Really, man? A wig? REALLY? Laughs. Oh, hold on. Hold the fuck on. Pulls out a bit of fabric. Do you have some pencils in here? Laughs harder. Fuck yes. I'll be right back. Runs off with wig, fabric and pencils. When he returns he has the wig on, his hair tucked well underneath, the fabric tied up like a head scarf and the pencils in his hands like knitting needles.
Hermes: Empties his own glass and refills them both while waiting. Loki reappears and he laughs for a full two minutes before he can respond. "Oh, the silk scarf is a perfect touch. An obvious, but poorly executed, attempt at class. Let's see... Grabs a few items and heads out as Loki had, returning with a blackened face like a minstrel of old. He has a cigar in his mouth, and a notebook and pen. Yes, yes. So tell the Professor, my dear, how do you respond to the accusations that you are nothing but a power hungry tramp from the backwoods? Do you feel it is an unfair judgement by those who cannot understand the way your society functions, or are you really a slut?
Loki: Reacts with mock offense. Well, I never. If a LADY has ambitions and she acts on those ambitions using any means necessary, and just happens to play human chinese-fingertrap on the weekends then that business is hers and hers alone. Rolls eyes dramatically and sighs. Indeed.
Hermes: Nods in understanding. You are right, that is a LADY's prerogative. But why sit on semantics? But you didn't tell me where you actually think it all started. How did your husband react to the aforementioned chinese-fingertrap? Was he as understanding as you are when he beds everyone from Iceland to New Zealand in the same weekend?
Loki: Drops character for a second, laughs really hard. Oh good Christ, are we really doing this? Ok... Back in character. Well, it's rather like the Amercican Armed Forces were and probably still are under the radar... Don't Ask... Don't Tell. No one with a shred of decency talks of such scandalous things... Snorts.
Hermes: No. No. NO!! It's all wrong. You just aren't giving it your all, and I'm not quite buying into it. Reaches in drawer. You NEED eyeliner.
Loki: Narrows his eyes. Really? Chugs another glass and sighs. You just aren't going to let that go are you? Fine. FINE. But that is where I draw the damn line. Puts effeminate voice back on. And if you so much as let your hands wander I'm going to scream from the heavens about what a despicable scoundrel you are.
Hermes: Looks at camera and grins broadly. Yes!!! Now close your eyes, I'm just going to pull your lid taught here, now the other.... ok, now look up at the ceiling.... there. Perfect. I told you you'd look great. Now where were we, oh yes. The Prof and the tramp. Ahem! Goes back in character. But is not scandal in the eye of the beholder. And you are beholding it as such, by your own admission. Now, I'm not saying others in your social standing are any purer, mind you. Oh, and I always meant to ask- how does one make a sweater for a hammer? Captain Hammer must have to keep his warm when he goes to hunt Frost Giants. As his sister, you must have some skill at making such things. Do you actually use wool? I would think that would be uncomfortable for the hammer. Looks at camera, cups his hand next to his mouth, and dramatically whispers. The HAMMER is his PENIS.
Loki: Starts laughing really hard. Oh for fuck's sake. I give up. Walks off camera, where he can still be heard laughing loudly and hard. In the background he says in between guffaws... "The Hammer is his penis... oh fucking god..." More laughing. "Ow. Oh fuck, ow." Walks back and sits down. Thanks a lot, asshole. Now I'm going to be laughing about that for the rest of time.
Hermes: Laughs so hard when Loki has to leave, he falls off his chair. Hands come up and grab the desk, then slip away as he laughs even harder. Eventually he makes it back to his chair just before Loki reappears. Here, drink up. And you're welcome. I think that's enough Prop Box for one evening. Gotta say though, Torch, the way you look right now if one of those Dunk Hunter guys came along I might have to fight them off for you. They'd be asking you to make "sum o' that wild squirrel stew"!
Loki: Tears off wig and scarf and throws it at Hermes. Oh, that's it... Reaches into the prop box, regardless of what Hermes said and pulls out a plastic squeaky toy hammer. He hits Hermes with it repeatedly and says in a mock low voice: The Hammer is my Penis! The Hammer is my Penis. Squeak squeak as he hits him, and is laughing impossibly hard at he does it. I have some serious anger issues and have to over compensate all the time. Did you hear me, boy! THE HAMMER IS MY PENIS! Throws toy hammer aside, it squeaks when it hits the wall, then folds in half, holding his stomach because he's laughing so hard.
Hermes: In between laughter. Oh, oh....then...oh....Reaches in box, grabbing a few items. Refresh your glasses, folks, and talk amongst yourselves for a few minutes. He disappears off camera and when he returns Beethoven's 5th has been edited in for his entrance. He is sporting a long black wig, full make up with red lipstick, and a blowup sword. Barbarian! How dare you show your pathetic hammer to me! You dared to touch me with that! You shall bleed for this, and I shall dance in your entrails!
Loki: No! Presses his hands against the desk and his rolly chair wheels away to retrieve his hammer. I shall not fight a woman! Not even one as wretched as you. I shall club you over head, take you home and make zug-zug. Wheels back to table, chugs some whiskey, spins chair around and stops facing Hermes with the Hammer held at the ready You devlish woman, I shall make you regret the day you met Th.... Oh shit! What is my name?! I forgot! No matter! Throws hammer at Hermes' head. Mushroom stamp, bitch! In the face! It's disrespectful!
Hermes: Chugs his own whiskey and stands tall, thrusting out his chest. Barbarian! THAT is your name. You dare to touch the daughter of Big Daddy and Umbridge??!! Voice raises to a shriek. You dare to defile me?! Edited in fight music plays along with slow motion special affects as Hermes stabs Loki repeatedly with blowup sword, bending it with each blow, until it catches Loki's belt buckle and begins to deflate. Music and motion editing ends."Look! LOOK WHAT YOU DID!!"
Loki: I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT, WOMAN! Laughs as he grabs the deflated sword. Hold on. Hold on. I can make a balloon animal. Watch. He pops open the valve and tries to blow it up, but it keeps deflating. Awww... Loki pouts. My sword is limp. Do you have a band-aid to cover the hole so I can blow it back up?
Hermes: Looks directly at camera while swaying just a bit on his feet, as if to ask "did he really just go there?" Oh mercy!! You all know exactly what I want to cover his sword with right? And how I think it should be blown up? I think Laughing hysterically and avoiding looking at Loki...I think...bends over to box Just...here. Hands Loki duct tape.
Loki: Stops laughing Look, dude, He grabs the duct tape. If you want give a plastic sword fellatio, that is your business. But I will not be party to that. Sets the tape down and tries to slap Hermes on the ass with the deflated sword. Wow, this just isn't good for anything, is it?
Hermes: Nothing ever is when limp.
Loki: Touche
Hermes: Well Torch, I actually giggles...I think we are out of time. You will stick around right?
Loki: Seems likely. Tries to hit Hermes with the sword again before throwing it to the floor and reaching for the whiskey.
Hermes: Got to finish that bottle. To camera. Thanks to my special guest, and thanks to you all for joining us for another episode of Coffee, Tea, or Whiskey. Hiccups. Oops. Giggles. Excuse me. See you next time. Don't forget to hit that subscribe button so you can know right away when I upload a new video. And remember, if you didn't like something you heard, don't shoot The Messenger. Video goes black.
OOC Note: feel free to have other characters comment on their responses if they saw the show.