WHO sage goyle & westly nott WHAT westly comes to find sage and things happen. WHERE hallway & sage's dormitory WHEN february 14th WARNINGSangst!smut!sex!fluff!sex, rimming, guy/guy snogging/kissing STATUS complete/log ;; ~45,000 RATING nc-17
Sage winked at the boy across the room as he leaned against the wall, partially hidden in the shadows that the lights cast. He smirked when the boy blushed and turned away for a brief moment before he turned back and the smirk turned into a feral grin as he jerked his head towards the door, raising an eyebrow. The boy seemed to be about to say no before he nodded his head and turned, making an excuse and all but running out of the room. Sage followed at a more sedate pace, making sure no one noticed him leaving. Of course, they were all caught up in their perfect fucking moments with their perfect fucking boyfriend or girlfriend. His lip curled into a sneer as he shouldered past a few people, making sure to jostle them as much as he could. However, he forced his face calm as he stepped out of the hallway and spotted the boy. He winked at him before turning and walking down the hall until the lights from the Great Hall no longer fell on them and rounded the first corner.
He heard footsteps following him as he removed the small flask of alcohol he had keep stashed in his back pocket and took a long swallow, smirking at the boy and holding it out. The boy took it and took an even large mouthful – obviously liquid courage – and handed it back. Sage didn’t feel like talking, he didn’t feel like thinking either because that would mean he would have to think about Westly and everything else that was going on. It was torture seeing the other man walk around the area, looking for all the world that nothing had happened, and yet to Sage it felt like something had shifted inside of him. He had been trying to have sex since that night, trying to at least get some semblance of himself back but so far, he hadn’t been in the mood and had dropped whomever he had hooked up with before they got much further than kissing.
But tonight, tonight he would do this. He took another mouthful from the flask before closing it and sticking it in his back pocket. Leaning against the wall he beckoned to the other man waiting until he was close before leaning forward, wrapping fingers around the back of his neck and pulling him into a kiss, spreading his legs so the man could settle in-between them as they began to kiss deeply. He could feel hands drop and rest on his hips and curl into the shirt he had on as Sage dropped his free hand to grab the other man’s arse, kneading slightly as he tilted his head and opened his mouth into the kiss.
Westly stood in a group, his hands in his pockets, and a smile plastered on his face. The people around him laughed and yelled over the music playing, their jovial attitudes not contagious in the slightest. Westly had come to the Ball out of necessity, out of his sister’s nagging, but mostly because he just needed to do something with his time. Classes took up most of his days; it was the nights he usually worried about. He drowned himself in Russian literature, picking up almost every book he could get his hands on. In those six days, Westly had read more Dostoevsky than ever before in his life. The sharp laughter coming from his date jostled him back to the present, the water glass in his hand completely full. He turned towards the girl, watching as she threw her head back and placed her hand on her chest. Westly rolled his eyes and sighed, wondering why he had even agreed in the first place. It had just all happened so fast that he didn’t even register he had said yes until she threw her arms around him in a hug. Instead of reciprocating it, however, Westly felt like pushing her away, her arms feeling itchy on his skin, unfamiliar. Still, he was here and now he found himself becoming more bored as the seconds passed.
“Excuse me,” he said, slowly moving himself out of the circle and walking towards the refreshment table. He set his glass down on the surface, turning around and began scanning the room. Before he could stop himself he began looking for the one person he really didn’t want to be thinking about. Blinking, Westly chastised himself under his breath, forcing all thoughts of Sage out of his head. The past six days had been miserable, but he didn’t want anyone to know. As far as anyone knew, everything was perfectly fine; he only let himself become somber when he was alone, and even then he was trying to find distractions. Still, even with all the books and homework in the world, he couldn’t get Sage’s words out of his head. Westly tried relaying everything in his mind over again, but he found it to be too painful. No matter how much he didn’t want to admit it, he had fallen and the fact that it was Sage only made things more complicated. Westly rested his hands on the table, bowing his head. “Fuck this,” he said, using an explicit but not really caring at the looks he was getting. He turned on his heel and began walking out of the Great Hall, loosening his lapel and bowtie as he walked out of the room completely.
It was when he turned the first corner when he started breaking into a run, his legs moving faster and faster until he reached the entrance to the common room, saying the password without pausing a beat. There were a few people in the common room, the ones that had decided not to go to the ball, but even then the room seemed to be filled with couples. Rolling his eyes, Westly took out his wand and pointed it at a couple who were currently lip-locked, hitting them with a spell that would pull them apart. “Get a room before I deduct points,” he said curtly and coldly, not pausing to see if they actually followed through. It didn’t matter, he just got some strange kind of satisfaction when he broke up the love birds. “Merlin, is everyone bloody paired off?” he asked frustrated, pushing the door open to his dormitory. It was only when he sat down on his bed that he realised his question and chuckled bitterly. “Of course,” he sighed, rolling his eyes again and licking his lips.
A few moments of silence passed before he had the urge to get completely sloshed, his eyes immediately drawn to the desk where stacks of presents lay. It was only when his eyes swept across the piles when they settled on the last trunk, the one Sage had given him the night of the 8th. Breath caught in his throat as Westly looked at it, his eyes glued to the box and unable to move to anything else. Slowly he found himself rising off of the bed, his feet scuffling against the wood floor. He ran his fingers over the smooth material, wondering if he had it in him to look inside. “Maybe there’s liquor inside,” he mumbled to himself, and that seemed to give him enough incentive before he found himself opening it rapidly, turning the keys and watching as more and more compartments opened. He reached out and pulled out everything inside, gathering them in his hands before he walked back to the bed, setting everything down onto his mattress, picking things up one at a time. He read the notes with certain sadness, his chest constricting painfully. He read each note, going from the 29th to the 30th, the 31st to the 32nd, all too aware that the end of them was very near. Each note caused him to smile and he didn’t even try to force those emotions back, too tired and defeated to care about it. Besides, he was alone, and it wouldn’t matter if the bed curtains saw him getting so … carried away. Finally, he reached the 35th letter, noticing how much longer it was than the others. His fingers clutched the sides of the parchment, his eyes skimming and reading and comprehending each word and each period.
Finishing the letter he inhaled sharply, having forgotten to breathe before. He gently placed the paper down on his bed, his eyes now looking for the key. As soon as he found it he reached out and grabbed it, clutching it in his palm. Everything was silent now, and all Westly could hear was the pounding in his ears and the steadiness of his breathing. Looking from the letter, to the key, to the floor, Westly shut his eyes. After a few moments of breathing quietly, Westly quickly opened his eyes again, throwing the key onto the bed and stood up. Thoughts flew through his head as he opened his door, leaving it open behind him. He marched down the hall, seeing a shut door at the end of the corridor. Wrapping his hand around the doorknob he pulled forcefully, storming into the room, his heart beat increasing. His eyes moved across the room until they landed on two figures against the wall, the shadows draping across both of them. Breathing deeply he walked forward with conviction, wrapping his hands around the unknown boy’s shirt, pulling him back and pushing him away, staring at Sage, his heart doing some kind of leap thing that he hadn’t really ever felt before, and he wouldn’t exactly call it unpleasant. “Sage,” he said, staring at the other boy, unable to do anything else but just stand there, his hair a mess and his chest heaving wildly.
Sage didn’t like how the kiss was slowing down, the other man’s hands roving over his body a little nervously and they felt all wrong. He’d been with hundreds of different people, and some of them had wanted to go slow and then that had been fine, but right now he just wanted for it to be quick and fast without anything even regarding an emotion. He pulled the other man sharply against him, feeling the other mans erection press against his own half-hard one. He closed his eyes a little bit and sped up the kiss, nipping on the other man’s bottom lip, sliding his tongue into his mouth a little more. He felt the other man hesitate for a moment before he gasped into the kiss and suddenly it was heading towards what he wanted and he groaned low in his throat trying to derive more pleasure out of this than he was getting. He needed to do this, he wanted to do this, he had to do this. And he had to kept Westly out of his mind as he did it.
He tilted his head to the side and deepened the kiss, harshly, biting lips and sucking on his tongue. He felt hands slide underneath his shirt touching his skin hesitantly and instead of making an annoyed noise he slide his hands down the back of the man’s mans, a hand grabbing a handful of arse and squeezed, rolling his hips against the others, finally beginning to feel himself grow harder. It was taking time, but he was sure he could do this, and he knew he was going to. He heard the other man groan and he raised a hand, sliding it up the back of his shirt for a moment before moving around, to rub fingers against his nipple.
He was preoccupied and didn’t notice when the door opened but he did noticed when suddenly the other boy was gone and Westly was standing in front of him. He swallowed when he noticed how good the other man looked before he relaxed against the wall, raising an eyebrow as he feigned indifferent. “Nott, something I can do for you? I was a bit busy,” he said looking over at the boy who was looking a little startled and unsure. “And I would really like to continue,” he said the only sign of his nervousness and confusion was the flexing of his hand.
For the one second Westly had seen before he moved to throw the other boy off, his stomach had lurched and his blood began to boil. A flicker of doubt appeared in his eyes, and for a moment Westly wondered if Sage had been lying. But he couldn’t have been, not with that last letter and not with how much pain this had caused them both. The way the unknown boy’s hands seemed to be roving over Sage’s skin seemed awkward, like he wasn’t sure of what he was doing. Westly wanted to do it right, touch every piece of skin until he was sure no part of Sage left unexplored. He wasn’t sure what was causing him to think this way, but he just knew he couldn’t stand looking at the two of them anymore. The moment he pulled the other boy off he felt an immense relief, knowing that even if Sage didn’t care anymore, Westly would try because there was nothing else he could do.
Westly turned to the skittish boy and glared, pointing towards the door. “Leave, now,” he snarled, watching as the boy looked at Sage for a moment before taking off, the look in Westly’s eyes too stern and the threat too imminent. Westly watched the boy until he walked out of the door and closed it behind him. Turning his head, Westly stared back at Sage, noticing how his lips were flushed and how he seemed to be staring at Westly with a cold indifference. “He’s gone now, and I want to talk to you,” he said, “and I won’t take no for an answer.” Westly looked forward, tempted to just kiss Sage right there, up against the wall, but he knew that he had to get these things off of his chest. It was obvious that this was not something Westly had planned, but he just hoped to Merlin he had the courage to follow through. He had to make sure that Sage knew everything, and even if the other boy had changed his mind, Westly couldn’t deny that he had tried.
Sage had felt a brief moment of excitement when Westly had pulled the other boy off, looking at this flushed face and wondering what the fuck was going on. For that one moment he had allowed himself to hope once more but then he had squashed it down, not wanting to allow himself to be placed into the same situation again. He didn’t trust people easily, and he never had. He had placed his all into this and then everything he had done had been thrown back into his face and he was not going to allow that to happen again. He knew better this time, and he would not and could not do that again. He frowned when the other boy left but then it smoothed back out into the cold indifference he was fighting to keep up. He hadn’t want to have sex, but he had felt he needed to and frankly it was a bit of relief when the random boy – he hadn’t even known his name – left and closed the door.
He turned his head and looked at Westly, crossing his arms over his chest but not moving from his place on the wall. “That wasn’t nice, I was going to fuck him,” he said callously, not caring if he hurt Westly. He couldn’t trust the other man anymore, not after everything that had happened. It was too hard to, he doubted anything would come of this. He was fully expecting to be yelled at again, everything that had happened being placed on his shoulders again and be blamed for something. And he was willing to take it, as long as Westly remained angry – or at least he seemed angry – Sage could fake his own indifference easier. Anything more and he didn’t think he’d be able to keep the mask up, there was only so much he could do.
His fingers dug into his arm when he heard Westly speak and he tilted his head to the side, raising an eyebrow looking bored. “So? Talk,” he said tapping his fingers against his arm before dropping them, reaching back into his pocket for the flask and drew it out, unscrewing the lid nonchalantly. “Just make it quick, if I hurry I might not have to go all the way to the Great Hall to catch him again,” he said raising the flask to his lips and taking a decent swallow needing the liquid courage.
Westly didn't know how Sage was going to react. So much damage had been done, Westly didn't know if it could ever be fixed. It had taken him this long to really change his mind, and even then, it hadn't ever really been changed. He had liked Sage even the night of the 8th, he just wasn't ready to give himself completely if Sage was pulling some kind of a joke. However, when he read the last letter he knew it wasn't, and he knew that if he didn't try to right his wrong, he'd be making yet another regret to add to the list.
The truth was, for one of the first times in Westly's life, he didn't know what to say. Watching Sage be indifferent was hard on him, but he kept telling himself that it was all a show, no one could move on so quickly, no one could get past something that seemed to change who they were. Deciding that pretending to be strong wouldn't work this time, Westly let his whole wall fall, leaving him standing there, his face vulnerable. He was going to say exactly what he felt and exactly what he was thinking. "I don't know where to start, Sage," he said quietly, looking down at the floor, fighting against every nerve in his body that told him to be strong and appear nonplussed. "I don't want you to catch that boy, because I don't want you to be with anyone else. The very thought turns my stomach, and I know I was a bastard to you, but that cannot be helped now. I know the things I said were hurtful and I didn't mean them, I just didn't want to believe the truth," he said, finally looking from the floor back up to Sage. "I can't get you out of my thoughts and more than anything I miss talking to you. I know I sound like a bird when I say it, but I promised myself I wouldn't hide anything from you when I came here," Westly paused for a moment, sighing heavily. "I opened your last gifts tonight, after I left the dance, and that's when I knew. I was ignorant and if you have already moved on then... well then I guess that's my own fault, but I hope you know that I fancy you and I just want you." he finished, breathing heavily, finding himself scared at how open he was being. "And if you don't want this then please stop me now because I don't think I'll be able to put up with myself if I go on much longer." he said, chuckling nervously.
Sage kept his eyes on Westly, fighting the urge to turn away, or to go burrow underneath his covers and just hide there for a long, long time. Or perhaps it would be better if he left school, then he wouldn’t have to worry about seeing Westly because surely this was not going to turn out good. He was sure Nadya could understand and he could take Jasmine with her – use her as the reason for his leaving. He didn’t need an education, he was perfectly smart as it was; he could and would make do without one. He frowned however, his thoughts flying out the window when Westly’s face suddenly seemed open, more emotions that he had even seen on the other boys face showing and it made him even more nervous and apprehensive. Was the other boy trying to trick him? Was he just doing this as some sort of gag?
“At the beginning would work,” Sage muttered to himself under his breath as Westly began. He took another swallow of the alcohol beginning to feel the calming effects and he replaced the cap and slid it back into his pocket his arms crossing over his chest again as Westly bean to speak finally. His frightened tightened against his arm, digging into his skin almost painfully through his shirt at each word. He swallowed, a little bit of his mask slipping as Westly continued and he wanted to run away right now. This was what he wanted and now after everything that had happened in the past week he found that he just couldn’t uncross his arms, couldn’t bring himself to reply for now.
He swallowed again, turning away unable to look at Westly. He kept his eyes firmly on the floor and his gaze on the floor as Westly finished. He didn’t say anything for a few moments before he glanced back at the other for a brief moment. “I…” he began before trailing off, not sure what to say, or actually how to say what he was feeling. “How can I trust you?” he asked after a few moments, looking back at Westly, his eyebrows drawn together, all the pain from the last week bleeding through his eyes finally and he was unable to stop it. He had liked Westly far longer than he was willing to admit, and everything had just been one more blow to his pride and ego, slowly shattering his trust in the other man and it had been cracked the night they had gotten drunk, and the cracks had spread the other night.
“After everything that has happened,” he said stopping before he swallowed. “I can’t do it again, I can’t,” Sage repeated under his breath shaking his head slightly as he raised a hand, rubbing at his eyes with the tips of his fingers before rubbing his forehead wanting to curl up into a ball somewhere. “I…I’m sorry but I..I can’t trust you, after everything, I…just…I’m sorry,” he said his voice cracking halfway through.
Westly had never been good with facing his emotions. He never acted like this, he never let down his wall, never let anyone see him so vulnerable. It scared him and he wanted to turn away, to just leave Sage’s room and make everything easier. Nothing was easy now, not this confrontation, not what would happen if he ignored it all, nothing would be simple for him. He had had his share of relationships before this, but this just seemed to much riskier, the both of them were so alike and yet completely different in some regards, Westly didn’t know if they could make it work. He missed Sage, though, he truly did, and he knew that if he didn’t try to win the other man back, then he would never forgive himself. He was smart enough to know that Sage deserved the truth and that he owed it to himself to finally admit everything he had been feeling.
Westly nodded, finding it still a bit strange how much things had changed between them. Just two weeks ago they had been talking normally, and even though Sage knew that he was the one sending the owls, Westly hadn’t, and everything had been fine then. Westly then began to remember all the times he ditched Sage for someone else, for Sky or for Patrick, and he found that he couldn’t imagine what that had done. He had been so inconsiderate, but really, he couldn’t have known. He had been infatuated with his secret admirer, and the fact that it was Sage had not been realised until last week. Even then, though, Westly had said so many things that he regretted, so many words had caused Sage pain and all Westly had cared about was his appearance and his reputation. He was an arse, and the way Sage was responding to him now was almost deserved.
The more he continued, the more he saw appear in Sage’s eyes; the pain and the hurt that shone through made Westly ache, ache because of how hard this was. There was a pregnant silence after he finished and his fingers began to idly play with the ends of his jacket, trying to find something to take away from all of his nerves. When Sage finally did talk, Westly bowed his head, knowing that his response had been inevitable. Eyes flickering back up, Westly bit his bottom lip as his body hunched, as if he was trying to shrink to the floor. He was terrible with this, and it hurt that Sage didn’t trust him. Westly wasn’t sure when the other started liking him, but he could only imagine how much pain he had caused and it made him sick to his stomach.
Brow furrowing, Westly stared at Sage, his gaze flickering to each one of Sage’s eyes. He was left silent, feeling like what they could’ve had was so far away from their fingertips, moving further each passing moment. “I know this is my fault,” he said, and he slowly took a step forward, leaving only a small amount of space between them. He didn’t want to push Sage away even more, but he had to make sure that he tried to do everything he could. “I know I’ve used all my chances… I… still can’t stop myself.” He said, reaching out and gently holding onto Sage’s face with his hands. He moved closer and closer until his breath ghosted over Sage’s mouth, their lips just barely brushing. His whole body shivered with warmth as he closed the distance, kissing him so passionately yet so softly, nothing more than just their lips pressed together. He breathed harshly through his nose, his hands lowering to hold onto the sides of Sage’s neck. Slowly he pulled back, still so close to Sage that it hurt to look in the boy’s eyes, but it didn’t stop him. “If you want me to I’ll leave I will, I just… I don’t know…,” he whispered, slowly letting his hands fall from Sage’s neck, hanging limply in the small space between them.
If Westly was bad with emotion then Sage was even worse. Both of his parents had never been there, he was a means to the end and as a result he had become cold and distant to all but a few, and even then they knew almost nothing about him, even Nadya didn’t know half of the stuff about him. Then he had gone and thrown it all out there to Westly, slowly letting each small thing out day by day even though he didn’t want to. Although there were a few things he still kept to himself there was very little that he hadn’t shared with Westly, he had given the other man free reign to ask any questions he wanted to. Surprisingly, he had grown comfortable with that, figuring that even if Westly chose not to go with him, then he would at least have the decency to not make light of anything he had said.
But in the end it all seemed to be moot, that one small bit of hope he had allowed himself to feel had been thrown back at him and that was what had hurt. Not the names, those he was used to, he knew what people thought of him, just sticks and stones after all. However, what had all but shoved a knife through his heart had been the fact that he had been called a lair. Even though he could see Westly’s point of view on that, the confusion, the anguish. It was the thought that after everything he had put out on the line had been thrown back in his fact – that was what had hurt him worse than anything else he had felt before.
Sage wished he could find the words he needed to say to try to get his point across, but he just couldn’t. He couldn’t seem to form the words that he wanted to say, even though they were rattling around his head. He was usually eloquent, or at least close to it and now, he couldn’t even form a simple three-word sentence. He raised his eyes, looking at Westly as he swallowed down the lump that was forming in his throat and shifted, seeming to draw into himself wishing he didn’t have the wall at his back so he could back away, increase the distance between the two of them. He could see Westly hunch out of the corner of his eyes as he wrapped his arms tighter around his body, feeling cold for some reason even though there was no decent reason for it. He was breathing quickly through his nose, feeling like he was suffocating even though he was breathing correctly.
He heard Westly begin to speak again and he closed his eyes against his blurred vision not going to cry, he was not a girl. He pressed himself back a little more when Westly stepped forward, closing in on him and causing his chest to constrict as he looked up, opening his eyes again when he felt the hands on his face, holding him more gently that he had ever been held before. His lips parted slightly, his breathing quick and shallow feeling light headed and on the verge of a panic attack. He could only half hear Westly’s words through the roaring in his ears and he swallowed before gasping when he felt the lips ghost over his in what had to be the sweetest kiss he had ever felt.
His eyes fell half shut as Westly moved closer and he wanted to draw the other man closer, but he couldn’t seem to move as the kiss intensified without actually changing and the hands moved down to the sides of his neck. He opened his eyes and looked at Westly, the charm already on his eyes wavering at the close distance before failing, unable to take the strain. He heard Westly speak and he swallowed, feeling the hands drop from around his neck before he dropped his head forward resting in on Westly’s shoulder, still not moving aside from that. “I…” he said swallowing again. “I don’t know what to do,” he said honestly. He had been so sure earlier, knowing what he needed to do and now he felt like a scared child with no one to turn to.
It wasn’t even the fact that his parents hadn’t been there, it was that he had been pushed to follow in his older brother’s footsteps with almost everything he did. His brother was almost immune to crying, so as a young child, Westly was expected to be the same way. It wasn’t that he cried often, but he definitely had been more sensitive as a young boy. His father had always been stern with him, telling him exactly what he needed to do to get to the top, and there was no time for silly emotions to get in the way. The first time Westly fancied someone and he got rejected, he didn’t exactly know how to deal with that, so he did the only logical thing he could think of: pretend it never happened. Over time he became rather good at hiding what he really felt, covering up the anguish that would fall over him. Now, however, Westly knew he couldn’t fall behind anything, because this was far different. He wasn’t sure if it was better or worse that it was, but he figured they’d find out eventually…. Either now… or later.
Westly felt as if he was under Sage’s scrutiny, after being in control for so long, he felt like he was finally the one being judged, and it was nerve wracking. He clenched his jaw in nervousness, wondering if what he was saying was making any sense, or if they were just words falling from his lips, each one more unintelligent than the next. This sort of thing had always sort of come easy to Westly, charming someone, getting them to start a relationship with him. With Sage it was so much different, just because of how much they had been through together. They had been such good mates, and Westly wondered if all of Sage’s trust for him had disappeared with everything he had done. Needless to say, Westly felt like the biggest idiot in the world. Even if they didn’t… become something more, Westly wanted Sage to be there, he wanted to talk to him more than anything. After everything Westly had confided in him, he just hoped it wouldn’t all be for nothing.
Despite the fact that Sage seemed to be shrinking away from him, Westly continued, needing to at least give the other boy all of his options. Westly wanted Sage to know he was serious, that he didn’t joke around with relationships, he committed. He knew that it would be hard – just look at their possible beginning—but he was willing to give it a try… he just didn’t know if Sage had anything else to give him.
Biting his bottom lip, Westly kept his eyes on Sage, moving back just a fraction so he wasn’t cross eyed any longer. He was breathing heavily, but his chest still hurt, something he couldn’t even begin to describe. He was now putting everything on the line, just like Sage had done, and Westly could only begin to imagine how it would feel if he got rejected… just like Sage six days ago. “I… I don’t want to hurt you anymore, but… I don’t know if it’s possible,” he said solemnly, reacting to Sage’s response. His voice was cracking and his breath was catching in his throat, just what he needed right now. He looked down at his feet awkwardly, but he felt Sage’s head on his shoulder and he was unable to help it as his arms wrapped around the other boy. “I’m sorry for everything,” he said, a bit more securely this time, his voice sounding regular just on the quiet side. “But what do your instincts tell you to do?” he asked, lifting Sage’s head with his finger, holding the boy’s chin gently with his fingers.
Sage could see the different emotions flood across Westly’s face, each one of them different than the last one and had the situation not been what it was he would’ve been amazed. It was not often that he got to see a new side to Westly, and even then that was coaxed out of him carefully, but this, each emotion felt precious. Although it didn’t make him feel any better than he had before, he realized that even without the knowledge of what was going to happen, he knew he would never be able to give up this man’s friendship for anything. This past month had brought them closer together and it would take time to build it back to what it had been before this, but Sage knew that he could and he would try for this at least. Anything else would happen because it happened. Sage couldn’t find it in himself to push for anymore, he wasn’t a reserved person and he wasn’t the sort of person to try for something again and again. If something didn’t work out, then that was that, he would retreat quietly to lick his wounds and eventually he might open up to that person again, but it was never a sure thing.
Sage hadn’t lost all his trust in Westly, it was just his trust in certain things that he doubted would ever be regained unless Westly was willing to go through a process. A long, drawn out process that would probably take years, simply because although Sage was willing to trust without too many problems the first time around, after someone lost his trust Sage almost never trusted them again. Regardless of what they did, he just wasn’t a second chance person most times.
He blinked when Westly moved back, the boys face blurring slightly as the lack of a charm and glasses made it hard for him to see and right now he welcomed in. He didn’t want to see what was on Westly’s face, he liked the inability to see right now. He swallowed back a slight sob of what was sure to become tears when Westly spoke again and he turned his head, pressing his face against the side of the other man’s face, breathing in deeply as he fought to control himself. He felt like a strung out girl right now, and he needed to walk away from this with his dignity intact. He felt the arms wrap around his shoulders and the arms that had been tightly crossed against his chest relaxed and dropped down.
He didn’t know what he was doing anymore, he didn’t know what he was doing. Westly had apologized and although that helped, it wasn’t enough and then he spoke again and Sage allowed his head to be raised, looking at Westly with unfocused eyes. He swallowed, frowning slightly as he thought about what he should do. He was being pulled in two and he didn’t know what direction to go in. A hand reached out of its own accord, resting gingerly on Westly’s side before the breathed in deeply, sharply, doing as Westly said and listening to his instincts as he moved his head slightly, tilting it so he could press his lips against Westly’s gently, a ghost of a kiss again.
For once, Westly didn’t want to think about the future. He wasn’t sure how long any of his friendships would last, not to mention anything more than that. He didn’t have a cynical view, just a realistic one. As much as he wanted this to work with Sage right now, he knew that something would tear them apart at some time or another. While he threw all of himself into relationships, he knew that nothing lasted forever—but he didn’t want to think about that right now. This felt so much stronger than anything else, and while that may have been due to the fact that he was almost losing it before it even started, Westly wanted to hold onto it, if just for the moment.
Westly found himself slightly surprised when he heard the choked sob, and he clutched even tighter to Sage, inhaling sharply. It was hard to believe that there was the possibility that this would never even happen, even if Westly’s chest constricted as he smelled Sage, wanting to hold him closer. Even though Westly didn’t often cry, he showed his emotions in other ways, mostly in his face and eyes. This whole situation was so fragile, and Westly was sure that if either of them made a wrong move, it would crumble and fall. Seeing Sage so upset made him morose, knowing that at least the majority was caused because of him. He had been so idiotic before now, the way he had taken advantage of Sage’s emotions and hurt him so badly. Westly knew that he could really never be forgiven, he just wished that somehow Sage would pardon him, because right now Westly wasn’t sure he’d be able to breathe other wise. Sage was already becoming the death of him, but he knew that if what they would have was half as passionate as their friendship, it would all be worth it.
He watched with trepidation as Sage looked at him and Westly made sure that everything he was feeling was being shown on his face. He knew how hard this must be, and if he lost this just because he had been an arse and had hurt Sage an endless amount of times, Westly wasn’t sure if he could live with himself. Maybe he’d look back on this when he was fifty and laugh at how trivial it was, but right now it felt like the most important thing in the world. There was pressure on his chest, on his heart, and the moment that Sage leaned forward, Westly was sure that the hope he was feeling leapt through the roof.
The kiss was soft and gentle, and Westly stayed where he was, not wanting to make Sage uncomfortable. All he wanted to do was kiss him deeper and longer, but he didn’t want to rush it. He knew that Sage was still unsure of himself and Westly didn’t want to push him in the opposite direction. Instead he just stood there, his hands gently resting on the other’s arms. He pushed into the kiss just slightly, so their lips were fully together, but Westly didn’t dare progress it any further. To think that he had denied Sage before now, to think that he had been missing this the whole time, it blew his mind, and all he could do was hold on for dear life.
Sage wanted his friendships to last forever, and it was one of the few instances of hope he allowed himself to feel. He liked his friends, all of them. He didn’t like it when he couldn’t go a few days without seeing one of them, but he did and that was that. He didn’t want to lose any of them, he was sure that losing one of them would hurt just as much as this moment did. Sage swallowed, his throat hurting and chewed on his bottom lip as he blinked back the tears rapidly. However that didn’t seem to be working as he felt the arms tighten around him as he relaxed into the embrace, welcoming it even thought he shouldn’t. He was sure that a stray tear or two had soaked through Westly’s shirt but he merely closed his eyes tightly, not wanting to allow anymore to run down his cheeks. He moved his other hand around Westly’s waist, gripping the back of his jacket tightly, using it as sort of a lifeline.
Sage couldn’t actually see what Westly was thinking or feeling, but he knew from the tone of words and the way he was held that Westly was feeling something. He couldn’t figure it out though; he felt like he was being stretched thin on a wire and it was only getting thinner and thinner. He didn’t know which way to turn or what to do. So he responded with his usual defense, sex. People said sex was a way to get to know someone, but for Sage it was a defense mechanism. He always went in that direction when he wanted something to change, or to do something else. However, that wasn’t to say that he didn’t want the other man. He did, he wanted Westly badly, both in a sexual nature and on a deeper desire. He just couldn’t trust him. Even now he was scared of the other man pulling out in the middle of this and telling him he was tired, or something like that. It was probably a silly notion, it wasn’t going to happen, but that was what he felt like.
Sage was glad that the kiss didn’t go anywhere, allowing himself to anchor himself down. His fingers tightened slightly when he felt Westly press into the kiss but it was just a press of lips for now and that was good, that he could deal with. Sage moved his free hand to join the other in gripping the back of Westly’s jacket before he pulled back after a few moments, keeping his gaze adverted, a slight stain of red on his cheeks, unable to believe he was acting this way. He moved his head again, resting it in the crook of Westly’s neck, holding him around the waist a little tighter as he took a few deep breaths, closing his eyes. “I…want to…try,” he said haltingly, his voice a little rough as if he had been yelling for hours on end.
Westly felt some wetness on his shoulder, but he chose to ignore it. Sage probably wouldn’t appreciate the fact that he was crying in the first place, Westly doubted the other boy would want it thrown in his face. This was a very sensitive matter and Westly was positive that if he handled it incorrectly, Sage would shy away from him even more. They both took their friendships seriously, and the fact that Westly betrayed Sage’s trust meant a lot… in a bad way.
For once, Westly found himself suppressing the urge to kiss Sage more. It had always been the other way around, Sage had always been the one wanting to pursue Westly. Now, however, the situation was somewhat flipped, since Westly wasn’t completely sure how Sage was feeling. In all honesty, Westly saw Sage in a completely new light, and he wasn’t sure if it was good for him or not. Still, he knew that once Sage got more comfortable with the whole thing, Westly definitely wanted to shag, the desire growing the longer the stood there. He wanted to say that it wasn’t lust and that it was something more, but that was only half true. Sure he fancied Sage for more than his body, and of course that’s part of the reason why he wanted to be with him, but he couldn’t deny the obvious physical attraction. He didn’t know how he missed it before.
He could feel the fingers tightening in his jacket, and he stopped himself before he progressed it even further. As Sage pulled away Westly immediately stared forward at him, ignoring the stain of red on the boy’s cheeks. He waited for whatever Sage was going to do, whether it be talk, kiss again, or walk away. Thankfully it was the prior, Westly didn’t think that he’d be able to handle Sage walking away right now. As Sage buried his head in the crook of Westly’s neck, the taller boy grinned only slightly, feeling the hands grip at his waist. At the words, however, he let out a sigh of relief. “Me too,” he said, raising his hand to run through Sage’s hair gently, his hand resting on the nape of the boy’s neck.
Sage was glad Westly didn’t say anything about the tears, not sure that he could handle it if he did. He felt like this entire situation was on the edge of some sort of precipice, he edge was crumbling and it was going to give way at any wrong move or moment. He didn’t like that, he had never been one for adrenaline and this was causing his heart to race and he wanted it to stop. He wanted to get his feet back on solid ground and he had not clue how to do that.
A small nagging at the back of Sage’s mind just wanted to push Westly down onto the bed and just go for it, that was something he could do, something he knew he was good at and would allow his feet to hit the ground again. Nevertheless, he didn’t know if it would be welcome or not. It was no lie he desired Westly, he always had and he doubted he would ever stop. There was just something about the man that made heat pool in the bottom of his stomach and made his breath come in short quick gasps. It could be the accent, or it could be the fact that the two of them were good friends and Merlin knew that the man was sexy underneath all his clothing. There was also the fact that for the first time in a long time Sage had taken the time to get to know someone before he decided he wanted to shag them. Westly had been his friend for a good amount of time before he had started to flirt with the other man and later on actively pursue him, and now after everything that desired had increased.
Sage shifted, pressing against Westly a little more as he took a few more deep breaths, just relaxing. He wanted to ground himself a little more, wanted to get himself under control just a little bit. He could feel the heat in his cheeks, it wasn’t something he was used to, and he wasn’t sure that he liked it. He licked his lips, gasping slightly when he felt the hand run through his hair causing delicious sensations to run through his body like they always did. He shifted again, moving so one hand was pressed against the base of Westly’s spine and the other was in the middle of his back Sage tilted his head back, waiting until Westly looked at him before leaning up and pressing his lips against the other mans a little more forcefully than before, his mouth parted slightly.
In a way, Westly was glad the two of them hadn’t done much before now. Sure Sage had given him a blow job, but Westly didn’t really count that as much. Maybe he was using strange logic, but just kissing Sage right now would seem like going further than that one time in Sage’s dorm. This time Westly would give Sage everything he could, and he wanted to find every spot that made him arch and moan and move into the touch. This desire was new and exciting, and Westly was positive that he would be traveling into uncharted territory if the two of them went far. He didn’t know if he wanted their first time to be rough or slow, but he figured that time would just have to tell. However, thinking about it wasn’t really doing much for his libido. For days before the 8th he had been wanking to an unknown person, but now he finally had a face to put on the body… and a body for that matter. It was almost strange how different Sage looked to him, but he didn’t mind the change at all, not if it meant his whole body seemed to react to every little thing.
The more Sage pressed against him, the more tempted Westly was to just pushing him against the wall and snogging the living daylights out of him. Hearing the gasp, however, Westly quirked a brow. All he had done was move his hand in Sage’s hair, but that’s when he remembered how much Sage had liked that before. He felt the hands press into his back, and before Sage had time to do anything Westly raked his fingers threw the boy’s hair, but was stopped as he found himself being kissed. Making a small noise in the back of his throat, Westly pressed forward, running his tongue across Sage’s bottom lip. His free hand immediately bunched the fabric of Sage’s shirt in the back, and he tilted his head to the side, his eyes fluttering to a close. It felt so good kissing Sage like this, finally, feeling the boy’s warm, wet, pliant lips against his own. He began to deepen the kiss, opening his mouth wider and snaking his tongue into Sage’s mouth. He was still a little hesitant to go much further, even if he was tempted to just roll his hips against Sage’s and grind into him.
Sage remembered the blow job he had given to Westly, and the places that had made him cry out – but at the same time he remembered the night when they were drunk and he had been shoved out cold and callously. Those two instances were polar opposites, and each of them incited a different reaction in him. Sage didn’t know which feeling to go with regarding all of this, fear or and so he settled for desire and nothing more. Emotions and feelings could come again later but he was strung out and he needed to calm down before he did something he would regret. He had been imagining this day for a long, long time and now that he was here, he didn’t know what he wanted.
This felt exciting and new, not new as in the fact that he would begin to consider himself a born again virgin – there was no way in hell he would ever be able to take himself seriously if he did that. However, it was different simply because Sage was not used to this sort of feeling. He had dated people before, but even then, it was nothing like this. This was much better than anything else he had ever felt. He gasped into the kiss when the felt the hands run through his hair again before it trailed off into a soft moan when he felt Westly’s lips press against his own a little more forcefully, their mouths angling together to fuse together almost perfectly.
He’d always love to kiss, loved to just lay with someone and kiss for hours, groping optional but welcome. He opened his mouth under the kiss welcoming the familiar feeling of kissing someone as a way to ground himself. His tongue slid along Westly’s as he deepened the kiss as he tilted his head slightly, pressing up against Westly with another small moan, more aroused than he had been in a long time. He sucked Westly’s tongue into his mouth, savouring the taste and the feel of the other man. He shifted again so he could wrap one hand around the nape of the other man’s neck, his fingers toying with his hair there, feeling the soft strands between his fingers before sliding fingers through it and holding on. He moaned again suddenly and pressed full against Westly, letting the other man know exactly how aroused he was at the moment.
Westly wasn’t even sure what was going through Sage’s mind, all he could be sure of was how he was acting. He said he wanted to give it a try, and Westly was willing to take that endeavor as well. Westly honestly didn’t know what had spurred him both of those two, very different nights; he conjectured that the first had been out of agitation and the second out of amusement. But both times hadn’t meant anything, it hadn’t amounted to much in his head, although now he wondered if the knife twisted a little bit more each time he had rejected Sage. Again, all he knew to go by was by what Sage said and did, and right now, Westly was going to just take whatever he could get.
Kissing was not new to Westly, and he wasn’t saying that this was like his first kiss as a new man, that was just illogical, but it was better than anything he had ever felt before. There was so much pain even in the kiss, trepidation, and passion. He had never felt like a kiss was so precarious, but then again, he had never kissed Sage.
That was one thing they had in common, Westly always thought that while having sex was brilliant, snogging was something that he could never get tired of. He used to spend hours just lying in bed kissing his lovers during the summer, although most of the time they didn’t appreciate it and just wanted to leave. That didn’t matter, though, because now Sage was kissing him back, sucking on his tongue and Westly couldn’t help but open his eyes and watch, feeling himself get fully aroused. He was caught by the taste of Sage’s kiss, giving back as good as he got. Westly felt the hands in his hair and that made him deepen the kiss even more, wanting Sage to know that this time he wasn’t going to leave. He groaned suddenly as Sage pressed against him and slowly, Westly moved one hand down Sage’s back, then slid it across to his side, moving it in between them so he could hook a finger in his waistband. Continuing the kiss Westly slowly started walking backwards towards the bed, pulling Sage with him. His heart was beating rapidly, but he never stopped kissing Sage, even when he felt the back of his knees hit the bed and he fell down onto it, pulling Sage on top of him.
Sage just wanted to stop thinking, stop worrying about anything that would happen during this and stop the nagging feeling in the back of his mind telling him that Westly was once more going to leave him in the middle of this. However, he couldn’t. He could only half focus on the kiss, a thousand thoughts running through his mind even as he suppressed them. More just seemed to spring up and it was making harder for him to relax more into the kiss and he did want this, he did, and he thought that Westly knew that, he hoped he did and didn’t take the tense line of his shoulders to be a rejection because it wasn’t. He just didn’t know how to make the small voice shut up and let him have his moment of happiness.
He felt like he was balanced on the edge of something, standing on a piece of thin ice. And the kiss was so delicate and so fragile that he was afraid to breath, afraid to move for fear that something would break and it would all end. His fingers tightened in the jacket, not willing to let go for now, relaxing a little bit more against Westly – using the taller man as a means of support.
Sage had had perhaps one lover that liked to just lay there and kiss, everyone had always been about fucking and then leaving. The other one had been during the lazy heat of the summer when he was in Madrid and he had allowed himself to put a little more into the passionate relationship. The two of them had spent hours just kissing and he had loved that, had put a little more into the relationship, but of course it had ended. The two of them had to go back to the real world at the end and they were still good friends, but there was nothing more than that. He felt the kiss deepen and it drew his mind back to the present and he whimpered a little bit as the hand began to move across his body and he welcomed the touch eagerly sucking on Westly’s bottom lip for a moment, licking the skin there before once more kissing him.
He felt the tug in his waistband and he went willingly, walking carefully as not to trip or step on anything, moving the hand on Westly’s back around to grasp his side. He straddled Westly’s legs as the two of them went down, the kiss jarring for a moment but not stopping as he tilted his head and sped it up slightly, wanting to blank out his mind. He moved a hand, undoing the three buttons on the front of Westly’s jacket before smoothing a hand up his chest to rest on the side of his neck before he rolled, tugging Westly with him so the other boy was on top of him, cradled in his thighs.
He knew that despite their large attraction, there was something else there, some other connection necessary to form this kind of passion. It was sort of ridiculous how brilliant it was and even if it was strange how clear it was now, Westly was probably doomed to forget it in moments when he fully concentrated on giving Sage everything he wanted and needed. He wasn’t usually this… romantic, or whatever, but he figured that after what he did, he needed to prove himself to Sage. He wasn’t the most patient, and that worried him, but he hoped that in this… well, whatever they were doing, that he’d find the ability to wait for Sage to trust him again, even if it took far longer than he expected.
And he wasn’t going to regret this, here, with Sage either, no matter if he half believed that this might be slightly confusing for them afterwards. He wouldn’t mind more after sex, wouldn’t mind a relationship, but he hardly knew what Sage would want too. To Westly, he thought it was pretty apparent that he now fancied him. This felt like it was supposed to happen, and Westly would do everything in his power to keep it that way. Even if Sage rejected him, Westly wanted the boy to know that he did want this, that this could be serious between them.
Those noises? They were sinful. No matter if they were in the protection of a locked dormitory, no one could mistake those cries that feel from Sage’s lips, nor the telltale noises of sucking, salivating. He could smell Sage’s soap, the fresh scent radiating from his body assault him and he breathed deep, almost relaxing into its familiarity, the comfort. He tilted his head at even more of an angle, rolling his hips up into Sage’s even as his tongue continued its assault. He groaned low in his throat and made a small noise of surprise as he found himself rolled over, now on top of Sage, in the vee of the boy’s legs. Westly pulled back from the kiss to discard his jacket and throw it to the floor, all the while keeping their foreheads pressed together. He was afraid that if he pulled back too far Sage might get scared and leave, which Westly did not want. With his jacket now on the floor, Westly undid the remaining buttons on his shirt, the process taking a little longer than normal because of his insistence on maintaining eye contact. Finally it was open, billowing around his chest and he quickly pulled the fabric off, throwing to the side.
He leaned forward to press a kiss to Sage’s neck, trailing his tongue across the skin. “You look so good like this.” Westly whispered very quietly against the side of Sage’s neck, loving the way he was all disheveled, hair tugged in places and lips swollen. They’d seen everything of each other in some capacity, either in the Quidditch locker rooms or otherwise, but Westly knew that they’d never seen each other completely naked like this. It was an entirely different context that made it all the more intense, hot. Westly moved closer, leaning over to help Sage with his clothing. “I want to see all of you.”
Sage had always been good at saying no and rejecting people. One night it was a night of passion and sex, and the next night it was indifference. He just frankly didn’t care enough about the person to care about their feelings or whatever it might feel. Even in the past few months with everything Westly had been doing to him, the rejection and the like he still couldn’t bring himself to feel any sort of sympathetic towards the people he had possibly hurt at some point in his life. And yet right now, he knew he wasn’t going to reject Westly, he was going to take whatever the other man had to offer and try to learn to trust him again.
He moaned softly again, he’d always been loud, he didn’t believe in holding anything in and he didn’t care about what anyone thought of people. Each small breath in turned into a soft whimper as it exhaled, kissing Westly, tasting him and savouring everything, the feel of him above him, the smell of his skin and the taste of his mouth. Everything was divine and he wanted more. His legs tightened around Westly’s waist a little more, his ankles crossing over Westly’s back, holding onto him almost desperately as he groaned low in his throat again, shuddering slightly as Westly rolled his hips up into him. He whimpered in distress when the kiss was gone but then he shifted his legs, watching as best as he could as the blur of colours suddenly shifted and change, revealing another colour and then the colour of his skin. Sage couldn’t make out any details but it was fine.
Dropping his hands down, he began to trail tentative hands across Westly’s skin, feeling each contour of muscle, and expanse of smooth skin. The pads of his fingers rubbing across Westly’s nipples for a moment, remembering those were sensitive from last time. His eyes flickered up, able to focus on Westly’s face from this close of a distance. His head turned towards Westly’s head as he shifted, feeling the kiss and the warm tongue against his skin and he whimpered, moving a hand up to curl through Westly’s hair, holding him. He blushed again lightly when Westly spoke and a small smile curved the corner of his lips. “I know,” he replied just as soft, not wanting to speak loudly and break the atmosphere in the room.
He nodded his head and moved a hand, working with Westly to undo the buttons on his shirt, shifting upwards a little bit so he could remove it. He dropped his legs to either side of Westly’s body, as he undid the buttons on his pants and the zipper before stopping, allowing Westly to remove them as he trailed fingers up the side of his body to curl around the side of his neck again, relaxing against the bed, allowing Westly to take charge.