Stephie Marsh (slinkster_ghoul) wrote in darker_london, @ 2019-07-18 11:02:00 |
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Entry tags: | josie rhydderch, stephie marsh |
I hope we hang on past the last exit (Stephie, Josie)
Stephie stepped out into the hall and carefully shut the door of the hospital room she'd been sharing with Thomas. She had to take a little breath to resettle herself; inside the room it had felt like safety but outside in the hall it just felt like work. Usually she had time in transit to step out of her home-persona and into her work one, usually she barely noticed, but today, when the physical distance between home-and-work (or at least, Thomas-and-work) was so small, she really noticed the shift.
When it was just her and Thomas in that room she was allowed to be vulnerable, she didn't need to hide her fears or her anxieties or any of the mess. But at work - well, sometimes the fears and anxiety and mess still showed through, but they were covered by an extra layer of armour, a bit more cockiness, a lot more guarded.
Stephie tried not to think about the people she didn't want to run into in the hall. The list started with Rolf but there were plenty of other candidates - not all of them as repulsive as Rolf, but all of them needed more energy than she had, today. She was even too tired for Rosa, and she was definitely too tired for Josie, yet it was in front of Josie's door that she ended up. She could miss someone and be exhausted by them at the same time, her head was messy enough that both those things could be true.
"Hey," she said, as Josie opened the door. Josie looked more tired than she did, but then, it was before ten, and Josie wasn't good at mornings.
"Are you guys alright?" Josie asked, her voice gravelly from disuse as she stepped back to let Stephie in. "Heard you were here."
"Yeah, we're here," Stephie said, stepping into Josie's room because at least it wasn't out in the hall - and was thoroughly taking off guard when Josie changed her mind about stepping back and lunged forward and hugged her. It was over too quickly for Stephie to respond - she was just starting to raise her arms to pat Josie on the back when Josie let her go.
"When Joel said you were here I figured it was because you'd gone and -" Josie waved her hand in a manner that effectively communicated a 'gotten yourself attacked or kidnapped' message.
"Not yet," said Stephie, dryly lifting the corner of her mouth. Josie looked shook, utterly unimpressed by Stephie's jab at bravado. Stephie really didn't like seeing Josie look so afraid for her. It made it so much harder to pretend she wasn't in danger.
Stephie shook her head and sighed loudly, crossing the room and sitting down hard on Josie's bed. "I don't know what to do, Jose," she said, giving up on the armour. "Peter thinks something horrific is going to happen to Thomas and maybe it's Brian, who could be literally anyone we meet on the street or maybe it's the Templar, and either way, it's bad. I can't lose him. I think about it and it feels like I'm losing my mind with grief and it hasn't even happened. I don't know how I'm going to survive, when it does, and I have to survive, because the kids - but I can't even think how I'm going to think straight when something happens to him - hoo," she clenched both fists on her knees, arms straight, back straight, focusing for one hard moment only on breathing which was a good thing she did, because Josie looked like she was about to slap her to snap her out of it.
Josie wasn't good with panic. Or comfort. Josie didn't know why Stephie had come to her to say this when there were better people in this same building who'd know what to say to make her feel better. "Why is he still mortal?" Josie asked. "Why are you, if you're this scared?"
"What the fuck?" Stephie snapped, glaring at her in shock.
"What?" Josie insisted. "Explain to me why, I'm genuinely confused."
Stephie stared at her, shaking her head a little, her lips parted to speak except she couldn't. She couldn't explain, she didn't have the words because whenever she started to think about it her brain just bucked in rebellion. It was horrifying, the idea of immortality. The idea of death was, too, but some part of Stephie did honestly believe she was too stubborn to be killed. "I don't have to explain anything," she said, standing up. This didn't make her any taller than she had been sitting on Josie's bed, but she felt taller.
"Cos you can't," Josie said. "Cos it's not logical."
"Fuck you," Stephie said. "You hate being immortal!"
"I didn't get a choice!" Josie snapped back. "I don't get to change! You could! But instead you're sitting here freaking out when the way to make sure nothing happens to you - to either of you - is right there in front of you."
"Being immortal doesn't stop you being tortured and broken," Stephie growled.
"Neither does being mortal," Josie said, her tone childish and mocking. It made Stephie want to hit her, which, in turn, made Stephie realise she had to calm down.
"You need to drop this," Stephie's voice had an edge to it, a panicked one, holding back a flood of panicked tears.
"I don't know what you want me to tell you!" Josie exclaimed. "You come in here freaking out and ask me what to do and get pissed off when I suggest something!"
"Then don't suggest that!"
"I don't know what else to do!"
"Good! Then we're in the same goddamn boat!" Stephie threw up her hands. Took a breath, smoothed her hands down over her hair like hands could smooth anything. Josie had folded her arms, her elbows all points, cheeks sucked in so her cheekbones cut her face too. All edges and bones.
"You said you can't think straight when you think about Thomas dying," Josie said, and though her tone was more even than before, the words were still like a knife in Stephie's stomach. Thomas dying. "That's how i feel about you." And Jinx, she thought, but had the wherewithal not to bring him into this.
Yes, okay, maybe, thought Stephie. Fuck. "I'm not going to die," she said, more of a reflex than anything.
"Yes," Josie said. "You are."
Slowly, Stephie stepped back till she bumped against the wall, and slid down to sit on the ground, wrists dangling off her knees. "I'm getting married," she said. "I don't want to think about dying. Anyone dying. I want to let Deirdre buy me a ridiculous dress and go overboard on flowers and I wanna see Thomas's face when I put a ring on his finger and I want that to be the biggest thing in my life, not visions of dying and how to stop it."
Slowly, and a little grudgingly because Josie did not see the point of sitting on the floor, Josie crossed her legs and lowered herself down to join Stephie.
Eventually she muttered: "Deirdre's not going to dress you, is she?"
"Fuck off," said Stephie, in less dire tones than before. "I'm going to dress myself."
"Oh god," Josie groaned. "It's going to be combat boots and that flight jacket he gave you over a plunging neckline, isn't it."
"Maybe," said Stephie, liking the sound of that look, actually. Liking the feel of this conversation better than one about dying. "It's a good jacket."
Josie snorted a bit, derisively, but also carefully. They were on unsteady ground here and Josie didn't want to be the one that tipped them both back into a fight. "This is happening... soon, then?"
Stephie nodded, and couldn't hide her smile. "Yeah. Gonna go to Spain and hang out on the beach and come back and get married."
"Wild," said Josie.
"It feels like the least wild thing I've ever done," Stephie said. "It feels as right and as easy and as good as breathing."
Josie nodded, but felt like a fraud because that feeling Stephie was describing? That simple, honest feeling? Josie had no fucking idea.
"I hope you can be there."
Josie smiled, thinly, thinking of angel kids and the likelyhood of everything going wrong. "Why?" she muttered.
"I miss you," Stephie added, and Josie's smile got a little less thin and a little more sad. She closed her eyes.
"I'll try and make it," she said.
"Thanks," said Stephie, and looked over at Josie, and wanted to ask how she was. Genuinely, talk about recovering from her stabbing and shooting, talk about managing her anger and her addiction, talk about Jinx and hiding it from Del, but it was a lot, and it was all too delicate and Stephie didn't think she could handle another delicate conversation that might end in a fight. She checked her phone, and didn't have to make up a gentle excuse to leave, which she had been considering when she'd reached it. "I better go," she said. "Thomas's finished talking to Dr Tracy."
Josie nodded and Stephie wondered if she believed her, or if she thought it was an excuse but accepting it anyway. It didn't matter, probably. Stephie hauled herself to her feet and Josie followed.
"I miss you too," Josie said suddenly, as Stephie had turned to leave. She said it guiltily, knowing that the distance between them was her fault. "Sorry."
Stephie paused with her hand on the door. Thought of Josie pinning her to the bed, screaming about how much of a monster she was, the pain and self loathing in her drowning out everything else. The sorry was good, and Stephie was glad for it. "We need happier things in our lives, Jose," she said. "We deserve that, right? Both of us? Don't argue with me."
Josie looked at her coldly. Goddamn right she was going to argue with her. Josie knew she didn't deserve fuck all.
"Well I'm going to be happy," Stephie said, stubbornly. "I'm gonna get married, Jose, and it's gonna be so good."
Josie smiled at her, thin again. "I hope so," she said.
"I'll see you later, yeah?"
"Yeah," said Josie, and Stephie thought about how long it had been since she'd seen Josie outside of the hospital. She'd locked herself away for so long, time time. Stephie honestly didn't know how likely it was that Josie would actually make it to the wedding, even if it was at the Kemp's place, where she used to live in the guesthouse. "Go," Josie said, because Stephie was still lingering in the doorway. "Say hi to Thomas for me."
"I will," Stephie promised, warmed by that, and left to go and find her place again at Thomas's side.