Cai Finch (itsajesusthing) wrote in darker_london, @ 2017-12-10 19:13:00 |
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Entry tags: | cai finch, daniel marlow, rachel eos, zoe kemp |
It's a funeral thing (Cai, Zoe, Danny, Rachel etc etc)
Cai spent the night trying to make sense of what Dom’s funeral would mean.
It was heartbreaking and horrible but if death was not the end it was hard to lose himself in grief. Dom’s death was unfair and horrible but if death was not the end then wasn’t it more like Dom had moved away, to the other side of the world maybe?
But at the same time, for the rest of Cai’s life Dom wouldn’t be here and Cai’s life and Nonnie’s life and the lives of the foster kids were the worse for it.
Nonnie had lost her best friend and her love and her partner and Cai had lost guidance and humour and kindness but none of it was gone from the universe forever because Dom, the thing that was Dom, was still somewhere.
The last few days had Cai dazed. Besides, it was hard to process anything when you had no time for yourself.
Zoe had told them that people in the Beyond could watch people on earth and Cai wanted to know if Dom was watching and if he thought Cai was doing this right.
When he was painfully upset he thought about death not being the end and thought he should be less so.
When he was less upset and getting things done and sometimes even laughing he thought about Dom being gone and thought he should be much more upset.
He wanted his bedroom back and he wanted to wrap himself around Zoe and kiss her and he wanted the house to be quiet but not empty-quiet.
Five days since Dom died and he had not figured out where his head should be.
~
Zoe woke from a nightmare, the morning of the funeral. A nightmare of crashes and panic and flames, a nightmare of her plans falling apart, of no one being where they needed to be, of Peter and Deirdre leaving her to deal with the funeral on her own, of Liz and Emma and Hope mucking around at home and making Zoe late, too late to stop anything happening. Zoe woke up frustrated and hurled her pillow furiously across the room.
But downstairs in the kitchen there was no mucking around. Liz was ready. Everyone was up. Breakfast was on the table. Zoe’s stress levels were so high she did not want to eat because breakfast took too much time and there was no time. Despite the fact that there were at least two hours before they had to leave for the church, Zoe felt she had no time.
She checked her phone, which was charged to full, and a spare external charger was zipped into her pocket. Cai had replied to her – he was up. Danny was up – he had sent her a snap of Wolf. Rachel hadn’t replied. Zoe tried to swallow her fear and her cereal but her mouth was dry.
She checked in with Peter, with Deirdre, her hands shaking as she texted. Everyone was awake. Everyone reassured her they would be there on time. Zoe wanted to cry, she was so nervous.
~
Rachel woke up to a nightmare on the day of the funeral too.
~
Cai arrived at St Mary’s early, but not as early as Zoe. She’d been waiting in the car across the street, trying not to gnaw off her fingers as Hope kept her entertained in the back. Zoe kept her eyes on the church though, on the area outside, on the sky. It had been a dark, grey morning, and the wind was chillingly cold. Zoe closed her eyes and mapped out the area in her head. She knew where everyone would be. She’d worked this out. Could she do more?
Could she?
Cai sent her a message to say they had arrived around the other side of the church, and Zoe escaped her car and pelted across the road, just as Cai stepped round the corner of the building. Zoe sprinted up to him and stopped; she wanted to hug him, but she didn’t want to cause anything. “I’m here,” she said, and reached out a hand to touch his scarf.
“You’re here,” Cai said, and smiled at her, and covered her hand with his glove.
~
The service would be held in the church itself, but there was a wide open meeting room just inside the main front doors. Polished wooden floors and a large vase filled with flowers. Zoe stepped toward it and touched one of the flowers; it was the vase she’d seen break in her vision. It had - it would shatter on the floor.
Cai’s family were milling around Nonnie, who was dressed all in black and sitting, hands folded in her lap. One of Dom’s sister’s youngest grandchildren was clinging onto her leg.
It was Cai’s job to greet everyone as they slowly trickled in. He was standing on the steps outside, but close enough to the door that he still caught the edge of the warmth from the heater just inside. He had a pile of programmes clasped in his hand that were useful for warding off some of the hugs, thrusting the paper at them if they stepped toward him. Zoe lingered just behind him, like a watchdog. She was doing her best to keep all her anxieties inside, to look calm and in control. She was having better luck at looking in control than she did at looking calm.
“Danny!” Zoe said, as soon as she spotted Danny outside. She left Cai’s side for a moment, running over to meet Danny to hug him, because she was wound so tight and on one hand, she didn’t want a hug to relax her and on the other, she really wanted a hug.