diana selwyn, fair & balanced (artamos) wrote in cultureic, @ 2016-12-30 16:52:00 |
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Entry tags: | ! media: wizvis, !! group: death eaters, bellatrix lestrange, diana selwyn |
WHO: Diana Selwyn and Bellatrix Lestrange.
WHAT: Evil Kathie Lee & Hoda.
WHEN: This morning, on a special edition of The Selwyn Dispatch.
WHERE: WizVis HQ.
WARNINGS: Purism, lots of alcohol, generally gross taunting of enemies.
DS: As a special treat this morning, I'm so thrilled to welcome my niece Bellatrix Lestrange to the programme. BL: (raises her wine glass) And it's a delight to be here, Aunt Di. Here, I brought you a belated Christmas present. DS: (raises a fancy knife) What a gorgeous weapon, Bellatrix! Thank you! (sets down the knife and raises her own wine glass) What a year it's been. BL: Hasn't it? The only trouble is I have no idea how we're going to top claimed the Ministry for the Dark Lord next year. Hogwarts? More murder? We are very good at murder. DS: Personally, yes, I'm aiming for more murder in the new year. It's much more fun when you can take credit for it. BL: Isn't it? Masks and cloaks are… very 2015, as they say. (pause) That is what they say, right? DS: It is, yes! See, you'll get the hang of this television thing yet. (takes an enormous gulp of wine) So, who are you most looking forward to murdering in 2017? BL: You know, that's a surprisingly difficult question. I have a whole plan worked out, well as much as I do plans, and there are a lot of people I'm going to kill next year. My goal is to wipe out tier one of the murder list. And Vance is still at the top. But I think Sirius will be the most satisfying. There's just so much unfinished business there. (drinks her wine) DS: It really is difficult to choose. Carlotta Pinkstone's been asking for it for ages now, for instance. But I've also lost track of a couple of my pets, and I'd really like to bring them back home. (looks directly at the camera) I miss you! BL: (laughs and takes a long drink of wine) Killing Pinkstone would be a public service, really. She's very annoying. But I do know how you love your pets. Personally I prefer to think of mine as playthings. It's easier to toss them away when they're broken. DS: I just put a lot of personal attention into these things, that's all. It's a shame to lose touch. (guzzles wine) The show continues in this vein for about an hour. BL: (now obviously intoxicated) So let's see. We've covered favorite murders, favorite spells, favorite spells for murder, proper murder attire… next time we really ought to have models for that. (refills both wine glasses) What did you get the Dark Lord for Christmas? DS: (laughing, raising her glass) Would you believe a lifetime supply of Weetabix? I had a talk with the manufacturer. |