1st September 2016 • The Wizarding World's Beguiling Broadsheet of Choice • 5 κ
HOGWARTS ATTENDANCE AT AN ALL-TIME LOW
By Euphemia Yaxley
The turnout at Platform 9¾ seemed more of a Platform 3¾ at the beginning of this school year. For years, the first of September has marked a bustling affair for the magical train platform at the Muggle King’s Cross Station. There was even an expansion campaign in 2013 after one mother threatened to push another in front of the departing train due to an invasion of personal space that involved elbows and excessive waving. This year, however, there was plenty of space.
There was one question on everyone’s lips. Where are the children?
One homeless man had this to say: “It’s the state of our Ministry that’s done it. Everyone’s afraid Death Eaters will show up to eat their children.” He then proceeded to take off one of his boots and drink his own urine out of it.
“That’s wank, if you ask me,” one eavesdropping father pointed out. “It’s all of this new-fangled Muggle technology. Parents these days are more content to let mobiles raise their children. Back in my day, we read books instead of wasting our time on the Wiztubes.” Despite looking embarrassed, his wife nodded.
Opinions were mixed, with one mother even claiming she’d heard a rumour Headmaster Dumbledore was suffering from dementia and people were worried about his ability to oversee the wizarding world’s children. But the consensus at Platform 9¾ wasn’t that everyone was afraid. It was that everyone who’d bothered to show up wanted their children to have the best education wizarding Britain has to offer.
One mother even said, “You can’t believe the rumours. You have to believe the facts. Crime is down. That’s a fact.” When pressed about her thoughts on the previous administration, she added, “If things are going so well now, it just makes you wonder what that lady minister was really up to. I’m just glad my Norbert’s first year will be a safe one.”