Katharina Macnair (astheeffingsnow) wrote in cr_eighties, @ 2017-03-06 18:15:00 |
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Entry tags: | 1986, benjamin, katharina, louisa, walden |
WHO: Katharina and Walden, cameos from Benjamin and Louisa
WHAT: Walden is getting under Katharina's feet - COMPLETE LOG
WHERE: their house
WHEN: Tuesday 27th June
WARNINGS: vague marital disharmony
Usually, Katharina loved having her husband at home. She missed him while he was at work, and she enjoyed spending time as a whole family. Also, when he was at work her thoughts sometimes strayed to her old suspicions that he was cheating on her, probably with his boss. Now, however, she had no such suspicions because he was at home all the time. He couldn’t possibly be cheating on her because she would know it, because he was there constantly.
She wasn’t loving having her husband at home so much right now. It had lost it’s charm after the first couple of weeks, and now it was a constant irritation, not least because he didn’t seem in any urgent hurry to find another means of earning money. She also felt like it was eating into her precious time with her babies, even though she was seeing no less of them, it was just… shared.
Katharina took advantage of a few moments without Walden there to sit with aforementioned babies at the breakfast table and just bask in their existence.
“Not so fast, Benjamin, nobody’s coming to steal your food,” she gently chided her eldest.
Walden stretched and slowly opened his eyes squinting against the sharp beam of light coming from the edge of the curtain. Lifting his head he glanced at the clock, noting the time, and stretched again, luxuriating in not having to get up. After a few minutes, he rolled out of bed, and after making a visit to the toilet, went to find his family.
Being out of work had not yet started worrying Walden, so he was still able to wake up in a fairly good mood, though Katharina always seemed determined to ruin that at some point in the day. “You started without me?” he asked rhetorically, as he entered the kitchen and moved around the table to first kiss Louisa, then Benjamin, then Katharina, atop their heads.
“Ben was hungry,” Katharina explained. Ben was always hungry. He woke up hungry, he ran around a lot and worked up an appetite for lunch, then again in the afternoon, and by the evening he needed supper to settle his stomach before he could sleep.
“Ben is always hungry,” Walden said, ruffling his son’s hair. He sat at the table across from Katharina, and plucked a circle of banana from the tray of his daughter’s highchair and popped it into his mouth. “What’s on the schedule today?” Of course he knew there was no real schedule, at least there wasn’t one that he had been able to discern.
Katharina sighed and tried to ignore Walden’s banana theft. She was trying to teach Ben not to take food from other people’s plates, and she was sure Walden’s example was not going to help.
“I thought we could go to the park,” Katharina said. “The weather forecast is good and it will help Ben burn off some energy.”
They went to the park a lot and Walden was quickly growing bored of it, however, the kids never seemed to. It was a real shame that running in circles and screaming wasn’t as fun as an adult as it was as a child. Or maybe it was, Walden hadn’t actually tried it, but was that because it wasn’t fun, or it just wasn’t done. Maybe he would try today, but probably not. “Again?”
Katharina’s mouth twitched, annoyed. She wasn’t exactly an outdoorsy person either, but she had to make allowances for Ben’s energy. Louisa would be content to stay in the house all day but Benjamin would wreak havoc and prevent any constructive sort of play if he hadn’t had a good run first. He was like some sort of large dog, except he was actually cute.
“Well, what would you want to do?” she asked, her tone more challenging than enquiring.
Walden didn’t have any better ideas, he was just hoping Katharina did. And he certainly hadn’t been awake long enough to take her bait. “I don’t have a better idea,” he said, smiling at his wife. “Unless you want to split up.” A daddy/daughter day would be tolerable.
The smile was infuriating. Splitting up sounded like a good idea right now.
“Alright,” she said. “You take Benjamin, and Louisa and I will make some art.” Those last two words were said to Louisa with a big grin. Katharina loved that Louisa was showing an inclination toward creativity. She thought of herself as fairly artistic as well, and liked spending that time together bonding - when Ben would let them.
Fuck.
It was as if Katharina wanted to fight and was doing everything in her power to provoke him. “You are suggesting that because you think I don’t want to go to the park. But I don’t think it should be up to us. Ben,” he turned to his son. “Who do you want to take you to the park? Mummy or Daddy?” Walden was 99% positive that Ben was going to choose his mother. He held out 1% for the chance that Ben was instinctively spiteful, like both of his parents, and would choose to go to the park with his father.
“Mummy,” Ben replied immediately and predictably. The spite would come later, and even then it would rarely be so strong as to commit him to spending extra time with his father.
Katharina glared at Walden. She was angry not because he had interfered in her plans, but because he might have made it seem to Ben that his parents didn’t want to spend time with him. She wanted to tell Walden that she had wanted him to spend quality time with his son, but she feared making it worse by drawing attention to the fact that Walden clearly didn’t actually want to be with his son.
“Alrighty then,” she said, turning a smile on Benjamin. “Ben and I will go to the park today and Daddy can stay with Louisa. And then we can swap round on another day.”
It wasn’t that Walden didn’t want to be with his son, he just didn’t want to go to the park, again. And Katharina had already said the P-word in front of Ben so there was no changing the plan. Going another day, that he knew about ahead of time, Walden could manage. “Good plan, Mummy.” Walden said, getting up to brew a cup of tea. “Louisa and I will play music today. Do you want tea?”
That was just stupid, Katharina thought to herself. Ben liked music more than Louisa did. Walden just wanted to do what he wanted to do.
“I would love some tea,” she replied, trying to keep things light and pleasant in front of the children even though she was quietly seething.
Walden set about making tea, humming just to further annoy Katharina while he did so. He placed a stemming cup in front of her, and ate more banana off of Louisa’s tray on the way to his chair. “Do you and the kids want to come with me when I go talk to my father?”
Katharina gave him a look of disdain.
“Why on earth would we want to do that?” she asked. She could just imagine them running around the room whilst Walden tried to have a serious conversation with his father. The suggestion made Katharina feel even more that Walden was not taking any serious steps to finding another job. Would he invite the children to a job interview?
“Because my parents might like to see the kids,” he replied, incredulously. “What other reason would there be?” It was obvious, to Walden, that at some point during the visit he and his father would retire to his office to have the careers discussion. He was not going to do it with an energetic four-year-old running around. “They haven’t seen them in six months.” It might have been longer, Walden really had no idea, he just knew it had been a long time.
The response that immediately came to mind was, ‘your parents don’t even want to see you, why would they want to see the kids?’ but Katharina didn’t want to open that can of worms. Neither of them were terribly close to their parents, and neither set of grandparents were close to the children either, although at least Katharina’s mother doted on Walden, which was… something?
“Alright,” Katharina replied grudgingly. She never had much to say to Walden’s parents, but with the children there at least the focus wouldn’t be on her.
“Good.” Of course, it wasn’t really about his parents seeing the kids, they didn’t care, it was more about having an easy out if he needed, which he suspected he might. “How long are you going to be at the park?” Walden asked, he could as much time with his daughter as needed, he just wanted to know what was needed.
Katharina shrugged.
“I don’t know, a couple of hours,” she said. It occurred to her that she might be able to contact Andromeda and get her to bring Ax. Ben hadn’t been able to see his little friend since Walden quit his job. “Maybe more. We might take a picnic and stay out the whole day.”
“There is a huge difference in a couple of hours and the whole day,” Walden said, starting to find it difficult to keep up the pretense of not being annoyed with her. “So which is it?”
“Let’s go for the whole day,” Katharina said, with a smile. She felt better if Walden was irritated with her rather than the other way round. They had a healthy relationship.
“You hear that, my little witch?” Walden cooed happily, to Louisa. He leaned toward his daughter and smoothed her fine hair away from her face. “Just me and you today, we can play guitar, and dance, and have soft things for lunch, and maybe we’ll take a walk. We’re going to have fun for the whole day.” The real reason Walden was suddenly fine with the whole day, was his realisation that he could take a nap when Louisa did.
Louisa smiled and clapped her hands together, less as a reaction to what was being said, and more in response that she was being spoken to and she was a generally happy child.
Katharina didn’t like the implication that Louisa didn’t normally have fun the whole day when she spent it with her mother and brother, but she didn’t want to rock the boat, not now she had the plan to contact Andromeda.
“What shall I put in our picnic, Benjamin?” she asked, watching him finish up the remainder of his boiled egg and soldiers.
Ben finished his mouthful thoughtfully. “Ham sandwiches,” he said. “And coleslaw and crisps. And apples. And pizza. And chocolate biscuits.”
Walden laughed. His son’s appetite was sort of astounding. “That is a lot of food. Can you eat allll that food, Benjamin?” He knew if they let him, Ben would certainly try to eat all that food.
Benjamin wasn’t sure why his dad was laughing. He didn’t think that was a lot of food.
“Maybe the ice-cream man will be there as well,” he said hopefully.
“It’s probably too cold for him to be out,” Katharina told him, ruffling his hair as she stood up to make the food. “But we can have ice-cream after dinner tonight.”
It was clear that Louisa had finished her breakfast, so Walden took off her bib, wiped her hands and mouth with the back of it, which was cleaner than the front, then lifted her out of her high chair, and sat her on his lap. “Why don’t you make our lunch while you’re at it,” he suggested to Katharina, just to poke more holes into their relationship.
“Make your own damn lunch,” Katharina replied automatically, as she cut sandwiches into triangles. She wasn’t even really angry, it was just a reflex. “You’re going to be at home, aren’t you?”
When Walden was going to work, sure, she was going to cook for him, but if he was just going to be lazing around with his guitar, she didn’t see why she had to do anything.
“But… you’re already right there making sandwiches. And you know how Louisa likes them,” he said as if he was very confused, as he took the butter knife Louisa had picked up out of her hand, and gave her a spoon. “I’ll do it, but you do it so much better than I do.”
“You promised her soft food for lunch,” Katharina replied. “I don’t know what you’re planning to give her.” She huffed. “I can make her sandwiches if that’s what you want to give her.” The implication was that she would make something different if they were staying at home.
Katharina’s implication went right past Walden. “I just said that because everything she eats is soft. Sandwiches are soft.” She was being so bitchy he wanted her to make the bloody fucking sandwiches and then he would make something else for lunch and not even eat them.
“Fine, I’ll make extra sandwiches,” Katharina replied, rolling her eyes. At this point it was easier to just make sandwiches rather than argue about making them. She couldn’t be bothered to be stubborn right now. She took the bread back out of the bag and made two more rounds of ham sandwiches, cutting the crusts off one of them, for Louisa. She left them on the bread-board as she began packing the other sandwiches into a tin box ready for the picnic.
Walden played and conversed with the kids for a few minutes before setting Louisa on her feet, and moving over to wrap his arms around his wife as she packed the picnic sandwiches in a tin box. “How can we have sex before you go?” he asked while kissing Katharina’s neck. “Stupefy the kids?”
Katharina was assuredly not in the mood for sex, at least not with Walden. She didn’t like him very much right now, but she also wasn’t really angry enough to get her blood boiling ready for angry sex.
“We can’t,” she replied shortly. She disentangled herself from Walden to put the box in a picnic basket, along with some apples from the fruit bowl and crisps from the cupboard.
“Why not?” Walden asked innocently, leaning against the counter. He reached into the picnic basket, removed one of the apples, and took a bite out of it. “Why are you so angry? I love you.”
“I’m not angry,” Katharina replied, exasperatedly. “I just don’t feel like it.” She took another apple from the bowl and put it in the picnic basket, then went to the fridge to retrieve some coleslaw. There was none there.
“Ben, honey, we only have waldorf,” she called.
Ben made a loud noise of disappointment from the next room but didn’t come back to the kitchen. Katharina shrugged and took the carton of waldorf salad over to the basket.
“Yes, you are,” Walden countered, putting the apple down on the counter. “You’ve been angry and unhappy for weeks.” It might not have been weeks, it might have been days, but Walden was given to hyperbole. “You don’t like having me home?” He knew she didn’t. It had become clear to him after the first two weeks that he was encroaching on her personal time, her time with the kids, her routine, etc. Of course, Katharina’s feelings toward him had changed dramatically since the kids, perhaps this was just more of that.
Katharina sighed. She wasn’t happy, she couldn’t deny that, but she wouldn’t say she had been angry for weeks. Aggravated for a few days, maybe, and she didn’t understand how calm Walden was about his unemployment.
“Can we not do this now, Walden?” she said. Louisa was toddling around the room, trying and failing to open the baby-proofed kitchen cupboards, and Ben was in the next room, sounding like he was breaking something. She didn’t want them to hear their parents fighting, and this was sure to turn into a fight - and yes, probably sex, which they also shouldn’t witness.
“Because you think we’re going to fight,” he said, moving out of the way, so Louisa could attempt to open the cabinet he was standing in front of. “Which means there is something making you cross, all the time. I want to do it now, because I’m in a good mood now. If we wait it might be worse.” None of that was necessarily true, Walden being in a good mood at this moment, had nothing to do with how he might feel in the next.
“I’m just anxious about you not having a job,” Katharina sighed, half-lying. She was anxious, but she was other things at well. “I’m worried about what we’re going to do for money.”
She continued packing the picnic basket, avoiding looking at him.
“We’re fine,” Walden said, perhaps a little stiffly. “Not forever, but we’re alright for a while.” Not being employed was going to eat up what savings they had left after buying a house last year. “I’ve given myself until the end of March before I’m going to freak out about the not having a job.” He had actually given himself until the end of February, but as end of the month approached and he still didn’t have any bloody fucking idea what he wanted to do, he extended his allowance until after he talked to his father. He didn’t hold any particular store by his father’s opinion, but he was smart, and Walden didn’t really have anyone else to talk to about it. Plus, he was probably going to need to ask to borrow some money, as well. That was the main reason for wanting the kids there. “Trust me, Katharina, we’re not destitute, and we aren’t going to starve.”
“Of course we’re not going to starve,” Katharina snapped. “We have rich families. But I don’t want to rely on them. I have pride. And I’m tired of you saying we can’t afford to do things like go to a stupid puppet show.”
“A puppet show?” Benjamin asked, entering the kitchen. “Are we going to a puppet show?”
Walden had pride too, but he also had terrible job dissatisfaction, and a desperate sense of ennui since the end of the Death Eaters. Having to borrow money once wasn’t going to wound his pride more than he needed to be doing something he felt was important.
“I’m just trying to be careful so that we don’t have to borrow money from our families,” Walden railed back, much more concerned with Katharina’s comment than Ben’s question. “There are plenty of things we can do that don’t cost money. And we can go to a stupid puppet show when I start working again.”
“Not today, Ben,” Katharina told him with a forced smile. “Go pick out some toys to bring to the park.”
She turned back to Walden, the smile dropping. “You could have been looking for a new job and working at the same time. It clearly doesn’t take up much of your time.”
“What the fuck don’t you understand about not being able to do that job any more?! I couldn't do anything else while working there, it was crushing me.” Walden’s thin veneer of calm happiness had dissolved, and he was fully angry now. “You have something you love getting up to do everyday, something that fulfills you, and makes you feel like what you are doing is important.” All the things that Walden got from being a Death Eater, that had allowed him to stay in his menial job, but now things were different. “I would like to fucking feel like you give a shit about how happy I am in my job.”
Katharina was torn between two instincts. One was to blast back at Walden and get into a full-on fight. The other was to try and get him to calm the hell down because their children were right there. She lowered her voice and leaned in towards him so he could still hear her.
“I said not now, Walden,” she said. “But for the record, I do care about you being happy in your job. I did not keep you in that job. You could have been looking as soon as you became unhappy, but you didn’t. You kept going until you couldn’t keep going any more, and then you just quit.”
Walden had no qualms about fighting in front of the children. It seemed ridiculous not to. The kids saw their parents kissing, and being affectionate, it was unrealistic to try to make them believe that there were only good parts to relationships. “I most certainly fucking did. Remember when I took a leave-of-absence? “ Walden said this as if Katherina was very thick. “I will find something else, and I will make sure we are all taken care of. So get off my bloody back.”
“How can you be sure, if you’ve been looking for as long as you have? What if you don’t find anything else? What if your old job won’t give you a good reference because you just quit without giving notice? What if people don’t want to hire you because you were accused of being a Death Eater?” Katharina spoke in a lowered voice, but with a tone of urgency. She started gesturing wildly with her hands to make up for the lack of volume.
“I would like to feel as if you included me in this decision that has disrupted all of our lives. I am your wife. Or did you expect me to just shut up and let you make all of the decisions because you’re the man?”
“I thought I did,” Walden stated, emphatically. “I thought you understood how unhappy I was there, and that I wanted to quit. If you didn’t? Why didn’t you? Maybe if you ever looked up from the kids you would notice that I’m here too. I think the main reason you’re angry about me quitting my job without another one lined up is because I’m cutting into your time alone with the kids.” Walden was on a roll now. “The more I’m around them, the closer they might be to me, and you just can’t stand that thought. You make me feel like my only purpose was to be a stud for you, and now that you have the babies you always wanted, you don’t need me except to provide the funds for you to live in the manner to which you have become accustomed.”
Walden picked up Louisa, to keep her from the rubbish bin she was reaching for, but he also hoped it upset Katharina. He had no idea why it would upset her, but he thought it might if for no other reason than it was him doing it.
“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” Katharina replied, shaking her head. “You’re being ridiculous, Walden. I want you to be a good father. I want you to be close to them.”
She wasn’t best pleased that he was holding Louisa, but that was because it kept Louisa right in the middle of their argument. The argument she didn’t even want to be having. She shook her head again and left the room.
“Get your shoes on, Ben. We’re going,” she called as she walked down the hallway.
Walden was now properly annoyed that she walked away from him. All that stuff he said hadn’t come out of nowhere, those words were attached to real feelings that had been with him since not long after Ben’s birth, and Louisa’s arrival only compounded his insecurity.
Dropping down into his chair at the table, Walden sat the baby on his lap facing the table so he didn’t have to interact with her, but instead gave Louisa her cup to buy himself a few minutes. He no longer had the desire to play with Katharina, or the energy to follow her. It was still in him to fight, if she was in the same room, but he couldn’t put out the effort to go get her. In fact, he wanted her to leave. When Walden quit his job he felt so much better, so energised, but Katharina was sucking out his soul as much as the job did.
Katharina was surprised that Walden didn’t follow her, but she carried on as though she had expected that he would just let her go. She helped Ben into his shoes and coat, got her own on, and collected her bag. The picnic basket was still in the kitchen. Everything was in it except for chocolate biscuits. They could buy chocolate biscuits whilst they were out. She was going to get pizza when they were out anyway. She looked over at Benjamin, trying to assess whether she could get him to fetch the picnic basket. He probably wouldn’t break anything, but he wouldn’t be able to reach it on the counter to pick it up. She sighed again, and went back into the kitchen.
Compared to his own father, and Katharina’s father, Walden knew he was a good father. Fuck her for suggesting he wasn’t. He knew she was a bitch when he married her, but at that point she hadn’t ever turned that bitchiness on him.
Walden watched his wife come back into the kitchen to get the picnic basket. Obviously she wasn’t going to have Ben come in and tell him good-bye, which just further fueled his anger.
“I am a good father,” he said sharply, just before she left the kitchen again.
Katharina paused in the doorway.
“You are,” she said. “To Louisa.”
“I’m as good a father to Ben as you will allow me to be,” he shot back.
She couldn’t let that one go. Katharina turned around with one hand on her hip.
“Why do you think I suggested you go with him today?” she asked incredulously. “I thought it would be good for the two of you to spend some time together. Sorry if that’s not good for your relationship!”
“And the only way for our relationship to get better is the way you say to do it, because I don’t know anything. Fine!” Walden stood, and passed Louisa to Katharina, and pushed past her. “I’ll go out with him today. Come on Ben, we’re going to the park, all day.”
Well, that backfired. Now Katharina wanted to go out with Ben so she could see Andromeda and Ben could see Ax.
“Walden!” she called after him, following him down the hallway with Louisa on her hip. “It’s fine, we can do it the way we said we were going to, and swap again sometime next week. I was just pointing out that I want you to have a good relationship.”
Walden didn’t believe that at all. He thought that she might believe she wanted them to have a good relationship, but everything she did with the kids proved her wrong. He moved into the living room where Ben was playing, and turned to face Katharina, who was on his heels.
“I don’t know what you want!” He threw his hands up. “I can’t fucking do anything right. Just tell me what you want, Katharina. Tell me what you want me to do.”
Katharina placed the wriggling Louisa on the floor and stepped forward to Walden, placing a hand on his chest. She lowered her voice so that even though the children might be able to hear, they didn’t have to.
“We’ve already told Ben I’m taking him to the park, and Louisa that you’re staying home with her,” she said. “Let’s do that today. We’ll go see your dad tomorrow. And then the day after, you take Ben and I’ll take Louisa.”
“Fine,” Walden said, matching her tone. Although it was actually fine, and that was what he wanted anyway, the way he said it certainly left room for other interpretations.
Katharina realised that she had left the picnic basket in the kitchen again. She was going to need to go back in there again. She crouched down to grab Louisa who was toddling past and give her a kiss.
“Have a good day with Daddy, sweetheart,” she said. Then she stood up and said to Walden, “I have to get the picnic basket.” She went back into the kitchen to fetch it, then returned to the living room to get Ben.
“Oi, Ben,” Walden said, when Katharina left. “Can I get a hug before you go?”
Benjamin was a little unclear as to what was going on. Yes, Mummy had said they were going to the park, but then Daddy had said that they were going to the park. He looked uncertainly at Walden and took a step closer. He cocked his head to one side and opened his arms for a hug.
Walden scooped Ben up, and held him close in a long hug. “You and Mummy have fun,” he said in the midst. “And when you get home, I want to hear about everything you did at the park.”
“Alright,” Ben said. He never understood why adults wanted to talk about their days so much, but they all seemed to. Once it was over and done with, Benjamin had little to no interest in revisiting the events of the day.
Katharina returned to the room and watched the father-son moment unfold.
“Are you ready?” she asked gently.
Walden smacked a kiss on his son’s cheek, moved to the door, and set him on his feet. “Have fun,” he said, and kissed Katharina, too.
When Walden kissed her, Katharina almost cried. Now that they had finished not-shouting at each other she was feeling vulnerable and like Walden might leave her any minute for being a hysterical harpy.
“You too,” she said forlornly. She remembered that she had to be the one to leave, so she took Ben’s hand, opened the door and picked up the picnic basket, then walked out of the door, hoping Walden would still be there when she got back.