Just Between Us Girls
Who: Kyle and Ethan Setting: Up top, by the bar in the restaurant camp
Ethan was definitely a few beers deep by the time he wandered away from the bar, leaning against the wall next to a window where he could see the monorail station. It was still lit up, but he was struggling with the idea of Blake climbing it. Just to get to him. Of Tris climbing it. How insane was that. He finished off the beer in his hand and then popped the spare he had with him on the ledge of the window. He’d regret it later, but getting drunk seemed like as good an idea as any other one.
Riley had finally fallen asleep, wrapped in a couple of blankets that had been found. It was only then that Kyle had felt like he could leave the boy under the watchful eye of others. He’d headed toward the bar, wanting to find something to distract him. He was distracted - too distracted. Worried about Riley. Worried about Adam. Worried about Riven. Worried enough that he didn’t even notice Ethan there until he was standing next to the guy and reaching across to grab a bottle of water.
Ethan looked up when someone was there, tilting his head to the side to see if Kyle noticed him. “Well, hey there,” he said with a smirk. He might not have said anything normally, but things were fuzzy around the edges now and it was easier to just step into things.
Kyle looked over, his face falling for a moment as he saw who it was. He really had gotten too far inside his own head. Straightening up, he raised his jaw haughtily as he cracked open the water bottle and took a long drink. “Ethan,” he said, after he’d swallowed, his tone sounding long suffering, as though he’d finally decided the other man was worth his time and notice. It was a better reaction than slapping him and running away, which had been his first instinct.
Ethan bit back a laugh and shook his head. “It’s not that bad is it?” he asked, voice just this side of mocking in a way that was more amused than insulted. “Come on.”
Kyle’s lips tightened. He hated being laughed at. Especially by Ethan Sinclair. “You’ve been drinking,” he said, his chin tilted up a little more, so he was looking down his nose at Ethan, trying to feel like he had the upper hand, even though he knew Ethan had more self-confidence and possession in his little finger than Kyle could ever claim to.
“What the hell else am I going to do? I’m sitting here, waiting on my boyfriend to show up and what? Save the day? Or something. Cillian to fix it. Shit to just turn back on.” Though hopefully not until after Blake made it up to him. Things turning on while Blake was on the monorail sounded horrible. The kind of horrible where he had to stop thinking about it or he was going to throw up. “So yeah,” he said, raising his own nose in a perfect imitation of Kyle. “I’ve been drinking. How’s the kid?”
Kyle snorted lightly. “Waiting on your ‘boyfriend’,” he said, airing out his bitch. “Well, you’re gonna be waiting a whole long time then, because I hear Ethan Sinclair doesn’t do boyfriends.” So what if he knew differently. Ethan had broken his heart, he could take shit for that. He rolled his eyes, but came down from his high horse a little when Ethan mentioned Riley. He was surprised that the guy had even noticed. “Riley’s fine - he’s asleep. He was upset before, but he’s - he’s okay.” God, no matter how he felt about Ethan, he couldn’t hide the responsibility he felt toward Riley. He loved the kid. Both because he was freaking adorable and because he just represented everything he’d always wanted and the expression on his face softened to show that.
Ethan nodded. “Didn’t. Do now. Don’t know why.” He knew why. Because not a fucking soul else would have climbed the monorail track for him, would want to get back to him as much as Blake seemed to. He looked over to where Kyle had left the kid and nodded. “Good. I mean, this is terrifying, but good that he’s not freaking out.” He watched Kyle for a minute. “So you and this Adam guy, you what? Adopted?”
“Not that it’s any of your business, but no. Riley’s not mine.” He wasn’t Adam’s either, but Kyle wasn’t going to get into that. “A had to work, so we brought Riley up here for the day. Didn’t imagine that this would happen.” Kyle didn’t see the need to explain his relationship with Adam either.
“It’s not, but you always tell me anyway,” Ethan said with a wink. “Who is we?” he asked, tilting his head to the side. Maybe Adam wasn’t with this guy, but Cillian had said… He shook his head. It wasn’t worth worrying about. What he needed was a cigarette. Waiting was killing him. “No one saw this happening. I was figuring Blake would be up here by the time he was done with work...whatever. Same with Tris.”
Kyle gave Ethan a long, withering look. “Maybe I told you things once, but that was when I was young and stupid.” Not that he’d gotten much better since then. Nor could he resist a good dig. “‘We’ is myself and Riven. You remember her? She was the girl who was dating Blake before you got your hooks into him. But then people never did matter when you set your sights on something, did they? What’s a little collateral damage in the life of the great Ethan Sinclair.”
“It wasn’t that long ago now was it?” Ethan winced and rubbed at his cheek. “Yeah, uh she hates me.” He sighed, nervously tugging at his hair and shrugging.”You know I didn’t mean to do that. I mean, technically I’d already been sorta seeing him before they...whatever. It doesn’t matter. You’re right. I suck.” He turned away, focusing instead on his beer than what Kyle was saying. He couldn’t think about that. How he’d let Blake hurt Riven and then pretty much screwed Blake because now he was stuck with Ethan. Who was also getting fatter by the second if he kept drinking, but drinking was keeping him from shaking.
Kyle frowned as Ethan turned away, not expecting that reaction. He knew what to expect from Ethan. Always cocky. Always self-confident and self-possessed. Never, ever in the wrong. The golden boy who was perfection personified. Not this human being hunched over a glass of beer admitting that he had maybe fucked up. “It really hurt her,” Kyle said, setting his half drunk water bottle down on the bar and coming down from his high horse enough to sound normal. “Whether you meant to or not.”
Ethan winced again. “Technically, I didn’t do it. I was...planning on stopping. Just never seeing him again.” But then Blake had reached out and Ethan didn’t know how to say no. So he’d told the truth because everyone told him that was fine. “I didn’t know he was still...I wouldn’t have. You know I’m not like that.” He crossed his arms over his chest. “I can’t change that.”
Kyle raised a brow. “I don’t know what you’re like,” he said, before clearly changing his mind on that. “No. I do. That was always the problem. I always knew what you were like - I was just the fool who thought that I could change you. And I couldn’t. I just… pity him when he finds out that he can’t either.” Kyle dropped his head into his hands for a moment, then pulled up and reached over the bar to grab a bottle of whatever the first spirit he came across was. He poured himself a shot and threw it back, knowing it was a bad idea even as he felt the alcohol hit home. He’d never been able to hold his liquor. He looked across even as he poured himself another shot. “You’d be great, y’know. If you’d just let somebody love you.”
“You also know I wouldn’t break up someone just for fun. There’s too many other options out there to do that.” Ethan looked out the window again and tried to wish Blake closer. Faster. Anything to not be alone. He was quiet for a long moment, before turning, really looking at Kyle. “He has, you know. I was the one...That told him it was what I wanted.” Kyle was going to kill him, but he had to tell someone. Tris didn’t get it. He didn’t fully get what it had been like before. “Funny that, he won’t.”
“Why him?” Kyle hated the question, but then he'd always been a masochist. Part of him felt like he deserved the pain. Deserved to hear why he hadn't been good enough. His life could have been so different, if only he'd been good enough.
“No idea,” Ethan admitted. “He’s older, but I’ve been with older before. He’s normal, but that’s not really a first either.” Ethan chewed at his lip, trying to figure out the answer. “He cares? Asks questions? The right questions. I dunno, Ky. Just is. And he’s won me as a prize. Unlucky bastard.”
“I love Adam, y’know,” Kyle said, two drinks enough to loosen his jaw every time. “I don't think I ever really stopped loving him. Even when I was with you and I thought… I wanted to be everything you needed. But I never loved you the way I love him. You just…would have solved so many problems.”
“I know. I knew. I mean if he’s the guy you knew before me,” Ethan said, shrugging. “You didn’t love me. And that’s what’s the problem. You wanted to, but that wasn’t what I was there for. Same with Blake. And no one, never, ever has accused me of solving problems. Don’t you start.”
“Nope,” Like said, waving his empty glass in Ethan's face unsteadily, before realising it was empty and reaching to refill it. “I loved you. I did. I just…didn't love you as much as I love him. And you would’ve,” he declared, downing another shot. “If you’d’ve just...actually wanted to be with me. See, you had it all. The right pedigree, the personality, the looks, the prospects. They would have accepted you.”
Ethan grabbed the bottle so Kyle couldn’t do any more damage. “See? That, right there. You didn’t love me. You loved the idea of the perfect boyfriend to bring home to your parents. Not because you really wanted me. There were a million other guys in Manhattan alone that would have fit the bill.” Ethan paused, smirking a little. “Let me guess, Adam doesn’t.”
“Adam was a waiter in a shoddy little diner in a bad neighborhood,” Kyle said, expressively. “He's a foster kid with no family and a bad background. That's how your friend Tris knows him. He was my parents’ worst nightmare. They never even tried to get to know him before they started in their campaign to break us up. And shut up. I wasn't just out to bring someone home to daddy,” he protested. “Actually, I was out of piss them off and a playboy fitted the bill nicely. I just didn't expect you to be so…” He waved his hand encompassingly at Ethan. “...you. Bastard. You kinda grow on a guy. It's entirely unfair. You should come with a warning label.”
“Calling me a bastard is the most accurate thing you’ve said so far,” Ethan pointed out with a roll of his eyes. “You shouldn’t have let them break you up. But I stand by my assessment. You didn’t love me. Even drunk, right now, you lightweight, you can’t tell me what you love about me. Because there’s nothing. Trust me, I’ve spent the past few weeks trying to figure out what there is to love and minus the fact that I’m getting fat, and there’s more to love, there’s nothing.”
“Really? You're going to be like that about this? Then fine. I loved the way you'd sleep, those times you let me stay over. When you weren't putting up a front and you just looked sweet and gorgeous. I loved the way you treated me. Even though I wasn't anything special to you, you always treated me like I was, whenever we were together. You're a fucking gentleman, Ethan Sinclair. I loved listening to you talk to your sisters, the way they're your world. I loved your stupid bedhead. And the fact you're the only person who spends more time than me trying to look like they haven't tried at all. I loved the way that whenever I'd do the crossword in the paper, you'd insist on my reading out the clues, then give me the most ridiculous answers, just because. So, don't tell me how I felt. I cried for a week when I walked away from you. And you didn't even notice I'd gone.”
Ethan faltered, his grip on the bottle he'd taken from Kyle too tight, his mouth kind of hanging open. No one had ever talked about him like that. Not once. Just the thought scared him. He swallowed, then took a swig off the bottle himself. “Then it's good you walked away. Because...well, I didn't know that. Any of it.” His hands were shaking. When had that started? “But I knew you'd left. I just figured you got bored or found someone else.” He looked up at the ceiling and shook his head. “I am so fucked. I turned a straight guy and now I want him to look at me like that and I'm not stupid enough to think I'll be his first and last.” He rubbed at his face and swore under his breath.
“No, I left because I came to the realisation that you were never going to be able to be the guy that I wanted you to be. And that I couldn’t change you and it wasn’t fair to either of us to try. I was killing myself trying to be what I thought you wanted, when what you wanted was really simple: for me to be an easy lay and occasional arm candy. I wanted more, you didn’t. So, I gathered up what I had left of my self-worth and left.” Kyle reached for the bottle. “How does it feel - to be on my side of things for once?”
Ethan held the bottle away, sure Kyle had already had enough. “It's awful. Thanks for the moral support.” There wasn't anything to say about the rest because, well, Kyle was right. They didn't want the same things. Ethan couldn't have changed that.
Kyle made grabby hands, reaching over Ethan for the bottle. “You know, if Adam and I hadn't just got back together, you would just have had a straight up ‘fuck you’. But I'm in a better place now.” He gave up chasing after the bottle with a pout and a sigh. “So, fine - why's Blake apparently not all that into you then?”
“Oh well, lucky me then,” Ethan said with a roll of his eyes, ignoring that pout. It wouldn’t work on him. “Why would he be?” he said with a shrug. “I can’t think of a reason.”
Kyle rolled his eyes right back. “Yeah, and you never realised I was in love with you,” he pointed out. “You know, for all you project this image of being really obnoxious… You don’t get to be the one that comes up with reasons for someone to love you. They do that. And sometimes it’s for things that you don’t even see in yourself.” Kyle sighed and wondered why he was even doing this. Maybe because it was easier to want people to be happy when you were in a good place. “You always were this guy who was really clear that you didn’t get attached. That you didn’t - couldn’t - do ‘love’. That’s why I never told you how I felt. I figured that one day you’d wake up and just realise. Which, of course, you didn’t. But nobody’s gonna tell you that they love you if they’ve gone into something with you on those terms.”
“But it's different,” Ethan said. “With Blake. I asked him to move in. We are...I might even…” he took another gulp off the bottle. It was hard to explain. Blake made him feel safe and like he was worth getting to know. It was hard to put another word on it even when it was floating in the back of his mind.
Kyle grabbed the bottle back at a moment that Ethan’s guard was down. “You might even what?” he challenged, taking a gulp - though just a small one.
Ethan blinked at Kyle then shook his head. “Nothing. Really, nothing.” No. He definitely was so not thinking that way. He wasn't. Couldn't. Didn't.
“Bull,” Kyle said, pulling a face. He smirked and pushed his shoulder into Ethan’s. He’d definitely had too much to drink now and it’d had loosened him up. “Come on - just between us girls,” he teased.
Ethan shook his head. “Nope. Nothing. Just being a selfish jerk with too big thighs that wants everyone to love him.” He plastered on his famous Ethan smile, the one from the tabloids and parties and everything that didn't matter.
Kyle’s eyes narrowed. Once he’d believed that look, that smile. He’d always believed there’d been something more behind it though and after he had walked away, he’d spent the intervening years painting himself as a fool for ever thinking that. Tonight, though, he’d started to think that maybe he’d been right all along. But, apparently, he still couldn’t get past those walls. “Fine,” he said, chin back up once again. “I should probably go back and check of Riley again anyhow.”
Ethan nodded, not looking at Kyle. “Probably.” He hesitated for a moment, knowing it didn't matter but he couldn't just let Kyle hate him. That was too sad. Which meant he might have to say what he would normally keep to himself. “For what it's worth, which isn't much, I wanted to. Wished I could. I liked being with you.”
Kyle shrugged a shoulder, coyly. “That’s because I’m amazing. And you didn’t even know the half of me.” After all, he’d met Ethan after he’d quit even trying to do anything with his art - though before life had beaten the dramatics out of him. “Look - what I meant earlier was, if you’ve met a guy you think you want more with then you’re gonna have to make the first move. You’re gonna have to put yourself out there and risk getting your heart broken if he doesn’t feel the same way. Because he’s never going to say anything. Not to you. He’ll do what I did - wait and wait and wait.” Kyle set the bottle down on the bar, within Ethan’s reach, then turned and headed off, a little unsteadily, back to find the others.
Ethan smirked, but let Kyle go, mulling over his words. Maybe he did have to do something, say something. That was fine, he never did anything halfway, but given that he couldn't admit it to himself he wasn't sure how he was going to admit it to Blake.