InsaneJournal

Email to Tim
Tim,

Before you read any of this I want you to understand that I’m not mad. I am upset but not at you. I just wanted to send this to you. I know it’s not going to fix things. I know I’ve ruined everything and nothing will ever be the same between us. And I sincerely apologize for that. I will never be able to tell you how truly sorry I am. I never should have done it. I get that. It was stupid and selfish and wrong and I will never be able to make up for it.

I’m not the girl you dated, as I said. That hasn’t happened to me yet. I wanted to know what it would be like to kiss you and I went about it the completely wrong way. I was afraid you’d tell me know because you’d already been there and done that and didn’t want to repeat it. I should have just been happy with the way things were, but I’m selfish and I couldn’t just pretend that I didn’t want to.

All of that “you’re not my type” nonsense was just trying to cover up the fact that I’ve actually had kind of a crush on you for a very long time. But you’ve always looked at me like a little sister and we both know that you’re just killing time until you and Eve finally decide that it’s okay to be together. I never stood a chance against her. I’ve known that all along. And that’s fine. You two have known each other since diapers and I can see the way you look at each other and it’s the same way my mom and dad look at each other every now and then. I guess I’m just jealous.

I’m going to leave you alone after this. And honestly, I’m sitting here debating whether or not I should actually send this to you. Because I know you don’t want to hear from me. You don’t want my excuses. You don’t want to know why I did what I did. You want me to just leave you alone and I get that. But I couldn’t leave things the way they were. I’m not mad at you. I’m really not. It’s just easier to be angry than it is to admit when you’re heartbroken. Because I lost my best friend. I lost the one person in this place that makes me feel like I actually belong somewhere. And it’s all my own stupid fault.

I will never stop being sorry about that. Ever.

Rachel.


P.S. I'm not expecting any kind of a response. I know you probably don't believe me but I do love you, Tim. I always will.