That does not make you a monster. It is unfortunately the will of the Force, and you the vessel of balance. It seems horrible now. But you have this chance to crawl back from that.
Look at the woman beside you. She is only human. Fragile, in spite of her will, she is weak. If you were a monster she wouldn't have survived as long as she has. And you would not care for her as you do.
Monsters don't care. Monsters are not torn apart by the things that they must do. Or have done. Trust me. I have done far worse than you have.