WHERE: Adelaide's Office WHEN: (backdated) Wednesday; Grey's appointment WHAT: Grey is referred to speak with Dr Russel. STATUS: Complete VIEW WARNINGS: Mentions of medical/scientific experiements on unwilling persons, somewhat sensitive subjects
Grey understood why Rachel requested that she attend a therapy session, although she was uncertain about the aspects of it and her previous experience with those at Cheshire made her apprehensive, she was trying to trust Rachel. The woman was doing what she could to help Grey find answers she didnât know were there, she wasnât sure if it would lead anywhere, but she was trying to stay positive.
It meant that Rachelâs quiet, steady encouragement pushed Grey towards the appointment she had with Dr Russel, to discuss her experiences, her feelings, help her work through the occasional flares of violence and anger. Grey knew that those had to be controlled if she was ever going to be useful to anyone -she had to protect Danny and Clara after all.
Sitting in the small waiting room, picking at the threads in the hole in her jeans at her knee, Grey worried at the metal hoop through her lip, caught between her teeth in an attempt not to fidget. She didnât like appearing jittery, it was frustrating and she felt like it gave away her anxiousness.
Weaknesses could be exploited, she needed to show no weakness, she needed to be like stone. Of course the thought almost had her picking at her skin, only just holding off when she remembered she was about to meet with the doctor, and doing that with an arm of granite wasnât a good idea.
Adelaide knew enough about the history of the agents that had been at Cheshire to know that was horrifically grating on her nerves. She felt a white-hot anger at the way they were treated and she was quite sure that there were more horrors that had not been recorded. Horrors that werenât put on paper because of how awful they were, because of how twisted and evil they were.
She pulled open the door to her office and saw Grey sitting there, looking uncomfortable and worrying at her lower lip. Drawing in a breath, she smoothed her expression down. It was not appropriate to let her own feelings about the horrors they had inflicted on them show when she was going to be talking to someone but she did know sheâd need a large glass of wine and some time alone with Klaus - for a hug - after this was all over. Or possibly just wine and a large box of chocolates locked in her office with Sienna for a while.
âMs Street?â she called, âWould you please come in?â
She drew back, standing against the door as she waited for the agent to walk in and choose where she wanted to sit. There were bean bags now, too, on the opposite side of the office. Some of the younger agents wanted to sit on something more unconventional, so she changed her office to accommodate.
âPlease, take a seat. Would you like some water?â
For the few years that Grey had spent at the Cheshire facility sheâd managed to apply an odd sense on logic to a lot of her experiences. She didnât focus too much on what had been done to her, although her anger tended to peak when Clara and Danny faced issues that related to what had been done to them there, the drugs and treatments. But for her own experiences, removing her emotional connection to them, the pain that had been present for the first few months before she found ways around them, she simply had to look at it from an outside perspective to make it less clawing.
But Rachel wanted her to address things, so she was here.
Settling into the seat, Grey couldnât help the slouch she automatically fell into, her hands resting on her lap again. âWater would be nice, please.â She didnât know if she wanted it or not, but it felt like she should accept the offer this time either way.
Adelaide watched Grey sit down and mould to the chair, her back not ramrod straight like some people, but it wasnât a relaxed slouch either. She could still see tension in Greyâs form and once again she found herself kwondering just what had been done to these people to make them feel so unnerved around people that just wanted to help. She got both Grey and herself a glass of cold water and placed Greyâs on the table in front of her, keeping her own in her hand for a moment before taking a sip and then placing it down.
âThank you for coming,â she said, âMy nameâs Dr Adelaide Russel, but you can call me Adelaide if youâd like. Or Dr Russel, I donât mind.â She had read the notes from Rachel, too, about how Grey was prone to outbursts but otherwise was quite calm, that her outbursts were generally focused around specific individuals and that her amnesia was incredibly severe. If nothing had come back by now, it wasnât likely to. She wondered if there had been an impact on Greyâs ability to form short-term memories, but knew that was a question for later.
She leaned back in her chair, notepad on one arm with a pen resting on it.
âDo you want to tell me why you think youâve been sent to see me?â
âHandler Cohen wishes for me to speak to a professional.â It was the very literal answer, and Grey shifted her eyes from Dr Russel down to the glass and then back. They came from the same place, and Dr Russel had already taken a sip of her own, which meant there was likely no sedatives in the water. But Grey didnât move to take it yet.
She understood, mostly, that her treatment in Cheshire would leave marks, ones that werenât visible. And there was the possibility that she should work through them, properly this time, not just with violence and avoidance.
But she paused long enough to consider what else it might mean to answer Dr Russelâs question, as to why Handler Cohen wanted her to come here. âI believe it is because there were things done to me, and because I am ⌠not adjusted properly to people.â
Adelaide nodded, looking at Grey calmly. Her movements - when she did - were slow and precise, careful not to make anything that could have been considered too sudden. With a lack of trust in any kind of authority figure, Adelaide didnât want to do anything that would make Grey think she was more untrustworthy than she already did. She had seen Greyâs eyes flick to the water. She picked her own up again and took another sip, a larger one this time.
âHandler Cohen is concerned about your wellbeing,â she surmised. âAnd wants to make sure that youâre adjusting here, and with others, so that you can begin to address and understand what happened to you.â
She tilted her head a little. âSo Iâd like you know that we will discuss some things that make you feel uncomfortable, and sometimes thatâs necessary, but weâll work at your pace. Iâm not going to rush you, but likewise I wonât lie to you, so Iâd appreciate it if you did me the same courtesy. Can you work with that?â
Few people were every honestly concerned about them, but so far Rachel had been honest with her so Grey was choosing to trust that right now. But addressing and understanding what happened, what Cheshire was, what potentially came before that, it was far more complex than just trusting someone to not hurt them.
Grey wasnât sure that going back into the details of Cheshire wouldnât hurt in an entirely different way.
âThat is fine, I mean to say, yes. I can work with that.â If she was able to say stop, and Dr Russel would stop, it would help. Even if Grey wasnât crazy about talking about what limited past she had. âYou are wanting to know about the facility?â It seemed like the sort of thing people would see a psychiatrist about after all.
Adelaide looked pleased with the confirmation from Grey that they would be honest with each other. Grey was very down to business, straight to the facts. If she wanted to talk about the facility now, Adelaide would listen, but she wasnât in any hurry to delve into information that was painful for all involved.
âOnly if you would like to talk about it today,â she offered, âbut if you donât want to, we can talk about some other things. Iâd like to ask you about your friends, about your time here, what you think of the Regiment and Limbo. And Iâd like to answer any questions you have, too. That way itâs at least fair.â
Some patients preferred to play a question for a question kind of a game.
âSo Iâll ask you, for a start, of those things I just mentioned, which would you like to talk about first?â
If Grey had her way, sheâd likely never talk about Cheshire. It wasnât about disassociating, not entirely, but the experience hadnât really been one that left her feeling at all comfortable. She doubted that any of them would talk about it; maybe Victor, but she didnât think anything he had to say about it would be true either. He liked making up stories.
But talking about something seemed the best way to pass the time. She didnât really like the thought of wasting time just to be awkward. And Dr Russel was being accommodating. âMy friends?â So long as she wasnât having to go into too much detail about things, or talk about Clara and Dannyâs struggles, or Victorâs violent thoughts, or those rare times when Kathryn wasnât steel and iron, she would feel better talking about the people who helped her live through the facility.
âWhat sort of things would you like to talk about them?â
âYouâre the first one Iâve spoken to,â she added a moment later, âFrom the Cheshire facility, I mean. I donât think what records we managed to salvage even touches the surface of what happened to you. And I want to help try and fix that.â
Adelaide smiled a little, she had expected more resistance in all honesty but perhaps she was lucky with her first introduction to the agents that had come from the Cheshire facility. She drew in a breath and settled in the chair comfortably. âWhatever youâd like to tell me, Grey,â she said. âYou could tell me how you met them? Or⌠how you all feel now that youâre back together?â She lifted a shoulder. âYou could tell me what they do that annoys you, or that you really like. Anything at all, Iâd just like to know more about you, and more about how you view them.â
She wasnât data gathering, not technically, but it would feed into how she handled the others.
Talking to other people about her friends was strange -she didnât do it a lot, at all really. Even when sheâd been talking to Sandy, calming her mind, sheâd chosen a story, rather than telling Sandy about any of her friends. It seemed safer, to her, to tell the event that happened rather that try to put Victor into words.
It was still hard to put Victor into words.
âThe records are incomplete, Rachel looked.â Handler Cohen had been rather put out that Greyâs file was so scattered, although the others had files that at least had information on them, Greyâs was still very much blank and missing key pieces. But she didnât think that was what Dr Russel wanted to know anyway.
âI am glad that we are all together again. It is bad being uncertain all the time.â Uncertain if Danny was okay, if they were watching him closely, uncertain if Clara was taking care of herself, or even aware of what was going on, uncertain if Kathryn was being mistreated because of how she came across, uncertain if Vic were just being drugged and left in a daze. She worried about them a lot. Even Kathryn, who by far was the one most likely to take care of herself, Grey didnât like to think of Kathryn closing herself off to people to stay strong and being lonely. âI missed Clara.â
Having thought as much, Adelaide wasnât surprised when Grey confirmed that the records werenât complete. A place like that, which treated the charges under their care in a manner that was - quite frankly - a human rights abuse wouldnât keep detailed records. How did the people who worked there sleep at night? What had happened to them following the closure of the facility? Those questions needed answering, although Adelaide knew she was not the person to do so. She only hoped that there were people out there looking to fix this mess.
As much of it as could be fixed, anyway.
âIt is uncomfortable,â she agreed, gently, âbeing uncertain of whether or not your friends are okay. Iâm glad that it makes you feel better that youâre all in the same place.â She tilted her head at the mention of one of the specific friends, âWould you like to tell me a bit about her?â
Fiddling a little with her jeans, Grey paused to take a drink, collecting her thoughts and working out how to word things. âClara is⌠special.â It was an understatement, really. Clara was sweet and soft and innocent, even with the things done to her, the things she could see. âShe takes care of plants and tries to help people, she likes the quiet and when I brush her hair.â She was still so innocent in Greyâs opinion.
âShe needs us, all of us, but maybe me and Danny most.â Grey knew that Victor frightened Clara at times. And when he started getting overly animated or on a trail like those, Grey did what she could to distract, or Danny would do his part. âWe take care of her, properly. Not like her parents did.â People who exploited her, who used her and twisted her gift for their own profit.
âThat is why she needs us the most, because Clara will put others before her. Rather than what she needs. We protect one another, because we are all we can rely on.â It was what they learned in Cheshire, what that place taught them more than anything else. They couldnât rely on anything but each other.
Adelaide filed away the information shared about Clara, to put it in the worryingly thin file that they had for her. A little was better than nothing and when she was finally officially referred by her handler, they would have something to work with. She listened patiently as Grey spoke, watched her sip at the water and when the young woman appeared finished, Adelaideâs head tilted to the side lightly, eyes focused on Greyâs face.
âIt sounds like you and Danny do a really good job of taking care of her,â she offered, âthatâs good. But things should be different here, thereâs nobody that-â she took a breath. âI want to help look after you, too, and so does Handler Cohen.â She would not speak for the other handlers, though she knew for a fact that Holly was doing her best with both Victor and Danny, both of whom she knew she would be seeing soon enough.
She took another sip of her own glass. âDo you still feel like you canât trust anyone here? That you have to always rely on each other here?â
Grey understood the idea behind this place; she didnât think theyâd coped well enough on the outside to sustain themselves, they wouldâve ended up in worse trouble on their own than getting here. Ultimately, as much as she knew people disliked this place, it was better than Cheshire, and it afforded the care that Danny and Clara maybe needed more than the others.
âI believe Handler Cohen wants to try.â But it was hard to trust people, given what had happened. She was trying, yes. But it was very reserved, she had a limited breadth of belief in people not causing her or her friends pain. âI believe you are paid to try.â She wasnât sure about doctors in general, although Dr Russel didnât carry the same weight that other doctors did; there was no medical smell clinging to her, no sterile room, no needles or tests.
âThey are all I know. They are the only people who have not caused me pain, or forced me to do things with my powers for their experiments. They are the only ones who have taken care of me.â Unlike the others, she didnât have memories of a life before Cheshire, were some people were good and some people were bad, where she could understand that sometimes, people did horrible things, but not everyone was like that.
Her first true memories were of pain and experiments and restraints. âI find it hard to believe people do not have ulterior motives.â
Adelaide understood that; Greyâs file said that she knew nothing of her past before the facility and honestly, with traumatic amnesia the memories were very likely never going to come back if they had been gone for that long. It was a distressing thought for most, but Grey seemed to have come to terms with the way things would be for her. Adelaide would want to unpack that at a later date, but perhaps not now. Now was for making sure that they built the foundations of a solid, trusting working relationship that she could develop over time.
âI can understand that,â she said finally, after taking a moment to collect her thoughts. âYou havenât really experienced anything that would make you want to trust in the authority figures here, and your incarceration in this facility wasnât willing, which already puts you on the back foot.â
She folded her hands in her lap. âIs there anything that happens here that you donât like?â she asked, âthat makes you feel uncomfortable or ill at ease? Either to you, or to your friends?â
Trust was something that was ripped away from her at the first hurdle. Sheâd blindly believed the doctors whoâd treated her, even when it meant painful experiment after painful experiment. Until she talked to the others, until sheâd learned that no, this wasnât normal. This wasnât how normal people lived. And all of that was shattered instantly.
âThe people here areâŚâ She wasnât entirely comfortable with things, not really. She knew they were still being held somewhere, still expected to perform for people, but it was less violent, less painful. âHandler Cohen is patient. She has tried to find out about⌠me. About my past. No one has done that before.â Even her friends, thereâd been questions once or twice, but sheâd never gone further than that.
âI do not like that we are all apart. But I am grateful that Handler Cohen is accommodating in allowing me to stay with my friends. People should not let Victor do what he pleases.â She knew that it wasnât exactly a fault of the facility, that Victor was unpredictable at best, but he needed attention, he needed to be doing things. Otherwise he kidnapped people.
âI do not like that Clara or Danny might be force to use their powers on people. That should not happen. Ever.â Sheâd let them experiment on her again if it stopped anyone using Danny or Clara like that. Victor wouldnât mind using his powers on people, neither would Kat, Kat would mind why she was doing it, unless it was her own choice. But Danny and Clara, they shouldnât be made to do those things.
âIf thereâs anything I can do to help her,â Adelaide said, âto uncover things about your past, please let me know; Iâd like to help if possible. If youâd appreciate that.â
She folded her hands together as Grey listed things that she didnât like and there was quite a list. It was fair enough, the situation that they were in was uncomfortable and if they were used to living in each othersâ pockets then being in separate teams would be a surprise. And an unpleasant one, at that.
âWhen you say apart, you mean that youâre all on different teams and in different rooms?â she queried, âWhat is it about that that makes you uncomfortable? Is it that you feel, if something were to happen, you wouldnât be there to help them?â
She nodded, âWell, I donât think at the moment Danny or Clara will be put in a position where they will be forced to use their powers.â She wet her lower lip. âWhat makes them different from Victor, Kathryn and yourself? You called them out specifically for not wanting them to use their powers, but not you or the others?â
Grey wasnât sure how she felt about finding out about her past. It had been a thing to think about, when theyâd escaped the facility. But Victor couldnât find anything in her mind that indicated she even had a past. But Rachelâs new leads offered a different path to find things, one that Grey could see the links to, maybe retrieve some memories, or gleam something of her life from.
âI am⌠uncertain. I do not know if I should want to know, or if it is safer for me to not know.â What if they had hoped theyâd never have to think about her again? What if theyâd sent her in there and hoped that was all theyâd ever need to do, that she was gone and they could move on.
âYes, I am unused to not being with them again.â Theyâd been forced to be in their own rooms at the facility, locked in most of the time. But in the few months they were together, outside, Grey had gotten painfully attached to the security there was with each other, the closeness. Not having that again felt like a painful barrier between them all. âYes, I would be too far away, andâŚâ She wasnât sure how much to share, but Rachel thought this would help her, and so far, Rachel had only been attempting to help Grey. âAt the clinic, I would fall asleep in my room and wake up somewhere else. And there would be pain or experiments or drugs. With the others, I know that will not happen.â She could sleep, she could trust them. They could protect one another. âHandler Cohen lets me stay with any of my friends so long as the other handlers agree.â
So far, the handlers hadnât been against it, and most of the time, Grey could sleep in the room with any of her friends, even if it was a little cramped, she liked the feeling of security that it brought her. It let her actually rest.
âClara can get lost. Her powers let her see things, things that she can get stuck in, she stops knowing when she is, what she has done or what is things other people have done. They took her sight from her. Danny can stop knowing what is real and what is not. They have been hurt by others wanting to use their powers. They are people. Not powers. It is not right.â Grey didnât think any of them should be forced to use their powers for anything, but she knew that they could tolerate it better than Clara or Danny should have to.
âYouâre right,â Adelaide murmured softly, âthey are people, not powers. And you are, too, youâre a person. Youâre all more than your abilities, more than what the facility made you - or tried to make you. And youâre more than what you do - or donât - remember.â Because she understood the identity problems that came along with memory loss, the trials that came along with having to reforge yourself from something that had no fragments. Add to that years of being a guinea pig for an insane testing facilityâŚ
It made Adelaideâs blood boil.
âI can promise you,â she said firmly, âthat here, the only person that will ever be removing you from your room - or any of their rooms - will be yourself. What happened to you in the facility is an abhorrence, Grey, and it wonât happen here. But I know you need to see that for yourself.â She met the young womanâs eyes calmly, held her gaze. âBut if anything happens that makes you even think that itâs the tiniest bit familiar to what happened you in Cheshire, you tell Handler Cohen or you come and tell me. None of us will have that happening here, but we donât have eyes all over the place. If you see something you donât like - anything at all - you tell one of us and we will fix it.â
If nothing else, she wanted Grey to know that there was an escalation procedure, something that could be done to raise and handle any concerns.
âDo you understand that, Grey?â she asked, wanting to hear the agent repeat it back to her.
It was interesting, understanding the boundaries that there were here, limits to what would be permitted by others. The promise that she wouldnât be removed from her friends rooms, or her own, unless she wanted to be, that was something she would be waiting for. The longer theyâd let her do that, she knew the more sheâd accept it.
Grey had the unfortunate condition of expecting the worst from people automatically. She was learning to trust Rachel, and Dr Russel seemed to want her to understand that she was trustworthy too. Grey found herself wanting to believe it.
âIf I do not like anything that is happen, that reminds me of ⌠there. I will come to you, or Handler⌠or Rachel.â She could do that, she would do that. To make sure Clara and Danny and Victor and Kathryn were safe. That she could stop worrying.
Adelaide smiled, the expression gentle and pleased. âGood.â Her eye cut to the clock, their time was almost up, but this had been a good first session. âBefore we finish, Iâd like you to tell me if youâd be happy to come back and see me again?â It was not optional nor was she giving Grey the illusion of choice but asking for an opinion. She had a feeling that they had not had many chances to have opinions. âAnd is this time an okay one for you or would a different time and day be more suitable?â
She noticed that Dr Russel wasnât asking her if she wanted, but if she was happy to. There was a subtle hint and implication in the choice of wording, and Grey had to analyse that a little before she opted for her answer, âI would not be unhappy to.â It felt like a suitable answer to the style of Dr Russelâs question.
From what she could tell, Dr Russel hadnât tried to trick her, or confuse her, and wasnât trying to trap her in any lie or anything. âThis time is suitable. Kathryn and Clara are free to walk me here and we can spend time together afterwards.â Although she didnât know if that was because Kathryn was free or because she was blowing something else off, but either way, it was fine right now.
It was a better answer than she was expecting. âThat, I am glad to hear,â Adelaide responded. âThank you, Grey.â
She looked at the clock again and smile, âItâs good that this time works for you, so perhaps I will see you next week at the same time. And in the interim, remember, if there is anything that you arenât happy with, you come to me or Handler Cohen so we can help you.â
Getting to her feet to signal that they were finished, she picked up the two glasses to put them for washing, watching as Grey moved out of the office. Once the door was closed, though, Adelaideâs smile dropped and she rested her hands on the desk, slumping forward as the weight of the session fell onto her shoulders like lead.