Jack blinked once, then twice and just stared at Ianto. It wasn't often Ianto got his back up about something and told Jack what-for, but it was usually when Jack was being an idiot and about to run off and do something half-cocked. Or completely cocked depending on the situation. "No, I don't, Ianto," Jack exploded, tossing his hands in the air. "Because what I did and what I said to you was unforgivable. It was bad enough what I said about Lisa the first time around when trying to knock sense into you. But at least I had your best interests at heart. This time, I was trying to crush you. And it felt good to get a rise out of you like I did."
He wasn't trying to be a prat, he was simply punishing himself for what he had said and done over the course of the damned glitch. "Yes, of course it is. I'm not going to tell you who you can't and cannot love." Unsure of what to do with his hands at last, Jack shoved them into his pockets wondering if he could get out of this conversation and quickly. "Yes, I have. I damn near killed you, Ianto. I don't know what the Master has in store or why he didn't do anything to you but I was convinced I'd go into that TARDIS and I'd see your broken body laying there and know that I caused that."
Ianto believed Jack was going to drive him mental and Jack was beginning to think the same thing of Ianto. What a bloody pair the two of them made, eh? "But it also means that part is still in me somewhere. For it to come back so easily, it has to still be in there. Christ, Ianto -- you should be pissed off at me for what I said and did. You should be yelling and raging and doing anything but being understanding and forgiving. Of anything, it's that I don't deserve the most!"
Once more, Jack's mouth opened and closed and he drew in a shuddering breath, swallowing hard. "Maybe I'm not meant to be the captain," Jack said softly, closing his eyes. "Maybe I've just been fooling myself that it's okay to play the part of the captain and the hero when really I'm nothing but the conman." He wished there was something nearby for him to lean against but in the end he sank down onto the edge of the bed, withdrawing his hands and burying his face in them. He hated looking so broken, particularly in front of Ianto. However, he couldn't think of anything else to do or say.
"No, I won't let myself. I carry the guilt because I deserve to. Because I don't deserve a partner" (yes, Jack said partner. Not lover but partner) "who I've treated like rubbish. It's not being childish -- it's being realistic."
God, Jack wasn't sure he'd ever heard Ianto speak to him like this. He peeked a eye out at him and sighed softly. "I don't... I don't think you realise how much I do love you," Jack intoned softly. "Yes, I love you -- perhaps more than anyone I've ever been with and yes, that does scare me. But the way I've treated you under the influence of the glitch or whatever the hell that thing was is inexcusable." Jack looked away, knowing he wouldn't be able to say this looking Ianto in the face.
"You're the only one I've ever been truly happy with."