InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "what's behind door number 3?"

Fiona (thefirstwarden) wrote in colligo_threads,
@ 2011-03-28 02:27:00

Entry tags:

alistair theirin, fiona

WHO: Fiona and Alistair Theirin
WHEN: After Fiona finds out oh hey her baby boy is all grown up
WHERE: Alistair's flat.
WHAT: Family reunion
RATING: TBD
STATUS: Incomplete

There were not many things left in life that Fiona feared. After all the horrors that she had lived through in her relatively short life she had managed to grow quite a tolerance for the terrifying. Now her usual reaction was simply to get angry instead. But this was something she never expected to face. Only hours earlier she had been dealing with her decision to give up her child, to hand him over to Maric to be placed somewhere that he would never know who or what she was. Others might judge her choice but there was no place for a child among the wardens and Fiona was nothing without the order. But now, now that tiny baby that looked up at her with that human face was grown. He was nearly as old as she was.

It was terrifying. Fiona knew that she was no mother. Certainly she had given birth to him and cared for him while making her journey, she was still caring for him. But in his life she had given him up before he could even begin to remember her and told a lie. While she knew her reasons she had no idea how Alistair would take them, if he would eve understand.

This would have been easier with Duncan or Maric here. Both of them were much better with people than she was. Still, she forced herself to make her way up the odd stairs. The only thing keeping her from panicking in this completely alien environment was the fact that she needed to find Alistair. He was still her son and she had to take care of him. If that meant explaining then that was what she would have to do. As she came up to the door she only hesitated for a moment before knocking.

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thefirstwarden
2011-04-03 03:19 am UTC (link)

"I like to think the wardens try to make that chance." The Order was everything to her, it gave her purpose and meaning. But even the Order could do wrong and she had learned that harsh lesson better than most. "They're not infallible but their cause is just. Your father was one of the few people that did his best to exercise it. I know I've only just met you but you remind me a lot of him already."

She had no idea what that would mean to him to hear. It was true and she meant it but at the same time Maric was an absent force in Alistair's life, much like she was. Being like him meant little if anything at all. Still she felt the need to say it, to let him know. Right now that was what she was to him, wasn't she? Not so much a mother but instead a connection, someone who could give him answers.

"He saved my life." Fiona admitted, pushing back that horrible memory. "A demon nearly. Maric had the chance to simply escape or to drift into his perfect dream. But instead he insisted that I was saved." She laughed a bit, shaking her head. It felt so odd to laugh about that terrible time in the thaig. "It was a fool thing to do really. But that's when I knew he wasn't just some posturing, cruel noble. Maric is something else entirely."

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royal_bastard
2011-04-04 01:23 am UTC (link)

Alistair smiled shyly at her last comment, nodding in agreement to everything else, "We do what we can, how we can," Alistair said with a sigh. "Even if people are attempting to stop us at every turn," He said with a thoughtful look. "I think... I think what I appreciated the most about the Grey Wardens was that we weren't just working for the nobles or the dwarves or the dalish or the mages or any other single group. We were acting for everyone equally, striving to protect them all the same. That happens so rarely. It's nice for it to be present in something. Even if it's just a willingness to save everyone's life," Alistair said, looking over at his mother with a heavy thoughtfulness in his eyes. "I try to do what I can. It's not nearly enough, but I try."

But he'd never be Maric. He wouldn't even be Cailan whose memory he had every intention of salvaging from whatever tinge Loghain had laid upon it through his lies. He didn't know how to be a king, how to run a country, deal with politics, or anything like that. With his luck, he'd be ousted by a coup d'etat within the first year, and with the way that Ferelden politics were shaping up in his mind's eye, it seemed the most likely scenario.

"If there was a chance, it was the only thing that could have been done," Alistair said, looking vaguely confused at the idea that saving her was a fool thing to do. "I know if Neria ended up in that sort of situation, and I could... I could help her rather than... leaving her to her fate, I'd do it, whatever it took, even if it meant we both died if I failed."

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thefirstwarden
2011-04-05 03:20 am UTC (link)

"Keep that belief with you." Fiona blurted out with complete earnestness. The entire mess with the Architect, he could have destroyed everything. Being a Warden was not about just stopping the blights, it was about defending people. Whatever that monster's plans would end up being that was certainly not what he wanted. But some of her fellow wardens had lost sight of that. Thankfully they had won that battle, for now. "It's easy to get caught up in the fight against the dark spawn, but we're wardens because the world needs defenders. Even if the world is nothing but cruel to us, it needs us."

Maric was so much of a story to so many people, likely to Alistair too. He was a man, just like anyone else, but a great man in ways that the stories never let people know. Certainly he had saved Ferelden from Orlais but he was more than that. And maybe she had her own rosy picture of him in her mind given their relationship, whatever it was. But that still did not mean he wasn't just that wonderful.

Smiling, she reached out again, taking his hand and squeezing it gently. "That's what I mean. That's not what most people would do. But it's what your father would do. And if it's what you'd do too, then you're as good a man as he is."

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royal_bastard
2011-04-05 03:57 am UTC (link)

Alistair smiled shyly, squeezing her hand back as he shook his head slowly, "I'll never be as good a man as he was," He said. "And I certainly won't be able to be as good of a king, but I think if I just try to do things as well as I can and stick to what I believe is right, I might...actually manage it without screwing things up too terribly," He said with a sigh. "At the very least, I won't be able to do any worse than Loghain was: dividing the kingdom against itself, working with murderous traitors, paying a blood mage to poison Arl Eamon..." Alistair trailed off, swallowing hard against the bile that was threatening to rise. "And probably doing a hell of a lot of stuff that I hadn't even managed to find out," He half mumbled before shaking his head with a sigh. "Bad thoughts. Never mind about that," He said with a shaky smile.

"What about yourself?" Alistair asked with a soft curiosity in his expression. "I mean, I've heard various things about my father all my life, but... I know nothing about you at all."

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thefirstwarden
2011-04-05 04:10 am UTC (link)

"Maric is more lucky than a good king." Fiona teased lightly, giving him a bit of a wry smile. "He's actually rather hopeless in my opinion." But then he started to go on about Loghain. While he harbored no particular feelings towards the Hero of the River Dane, Maric did. And really Loghain was running the country nearly as much as Maric, if not more so. But the man did not trust her, she knew that much. She could only imagine how high his opinion of her would soar once she arrived with Alistair. She squeezed Alistair's hand tightly again. "He apparently becomes a very different man with age."

There was so much that she did not want to tell him. Her grip on his hand lessened some but for now she kept holding on. He had yet to flinch away and for some reason she felt the need to touch him. To be fair her true urge was to cradle him close, like she had been hours earlier with him so small and staring up at her with those baby eyes. But this would have to do. "Well... what do you want to know about me?"

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royal_bastard
2011-04-05 04:54 am UTC (link)

"He must have," Alistair said, his mind not having been able to think of any reason that Maric could have possibly found to be friends with the man. He had a coldness to him that had troubled Alistair at Ostagar, his utter hatred of Orlesians and his insistence that they could hold the line without them worrying him even more, but Alistair was sure that if he'd followed the plan proper, they could have at least broken the darkspawn's lines and pushed them back into the Wilds long enough to recover the army. Better thoughts, happy thoughts. Smiling a hint at her previous comment, Alistair had to chuckle, "Hopeless, you say? Maybe Duncan was right, then. Perhaps I really am more like him than anyone would expect."

"Anything," Alistair said with a breathless enthusiasm. "Anything that you want to tell me, have to tell me. Anything is better than knowing nothing."

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thefirstwarden
2011-04-05 05:02 am UTC (link)

"Maric survives on luck more than good sense." Maric was a safer topic t seemed, Loghain hitting a button deep within her son that seemed like the anger that she sometimes felt, though perhaps not that dire. There was that flash in his eyes, as if he was prepared to kill if faced with the option. Which was good. Sometimes men needed to die, that was something every king needed to understand.

Fiona had never been good at talking about herself. The past was so painful, most of it was best left to the winds of memory without burdening it on everyone else. "There's not really all that much of interest about me, really. I've been with the Wardens about two years now. It's been the happiest time in my life. Before that I was at the Circle in Orlais. I, well, I begged to be recruited. Duncan's my closest friend, though our assignments with the wardens are separating us after I." She paused and looked at him, how earnest and desperate he was for anything that involved her. It was so painful to see, a splinter right through her heart. "He was accompanying me to bring you to Ferelden, to your father."

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royal_bastard
2011-04-05 06:34 am UTC (link)

There was something both reassuring and amusing about that idea, that while there was this great legend to live up to, the reality was far closer to a real man than an indomitable figure of history. Maybe it wouldn't be as hard as he thought it would be or nearly as impossible to serve as a good example for the country. At least, his hope was renewed in the idea that maybe, just maybe, he could actually do this.

"Everyone thinks that," Alistair with a smile, "that there isn't anything about themselves worth telling. It's never true. We've all got stories to tell," He said, a soft smile gracing his features as he listened to what his mother had to tell him, taking it all in and committing it to deep memory. It took him only a moment to decide that it wasn't worth commenting that focusing only on two years wouldn't tell him much. She likely had a good reason for keeping to that. "Can I ask what you were doing after that?" Alistair asked quietly with a hint of hesitation.

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thefirstwarden
2011-04-05 06:46 am UTC (link)

"We all have stories, but some are better than others." She cautioned gently. He was just so desperate for something, anything from her. Whatever the image was that he had built of his mother Fiona could not help but think she was a disappointment. Someone like her was not meant to be a mother. While she loved him, so much that it made her cry sometimes, there was no way she could have given him any sort of life.

Fiona hesitated for a moment as she watched him. "Well... you are a warden, so I suppose it's all right." she eventually settled on. "I was assigned a mission. I'm not sure when it will end. But I'm leading a task force after a darkspawn phenomena. More than that I'm not sure I can really tell you. But it was either me or Duncan and they placed Duncan as second in command in Ferelden. I. I believe your father requested us both but the Order only gave him Duncan."

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royal_bastard
2011-04-05 07:10 am UTC (link)

"Perhaps," Alistair responded with a soft smile. "And we all have things that we wish to keep to ourselves, and there's nothing wrong with that. We just shouldn't devalue our experiences in the way that we all so often do," He said, squeezing her hand lightly again as he nodded in understanding to what she was telling him. The Grey Wardens had their tasks, and they all had their own assignments, managed by those in charge. Alistair was sure that once the Blight was over, they would all go their separate ways and the Grey Wardens would once again be populated mostly by Orlesians with the majority of the Ferelden Grey Wardens dead or...otherwise engaged as he would be. At the very least, there would be new recruits, new Ferelden recruits, that would hold up the tradition that Duncan had built up and lead for so long.

"The Order has their reasons, I'm sure," Alistair said. "Whatever the situation is, if they're devoting attentions to it, it has to be important." It was easy to tell that Alistair trusted the Order implicitly.

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thefirstwarden
2011-04-05 07:22 am UTC (link)

There was a spookiness to him almost. Shaking her head, she couldn't help but hear Maric saying that to her instead of Alistair. It was a strange cross in her mind and perhaps she was going a bit mad. This place would be easily explained away by her going mad, after all. "The chantry did a good job with you. The Arl as well." she admitted, only a little regret seeping into her tone.

"Oh they are very specific reasons. I'm tracking down a threat to all of Thedas. I've no idea if I've been successful by the time the blight arrives, but this mission is more important than my life." Fiona admitted, a stern resolution in her voice. The Architect could not simply be allowed to experiment on wardens, biding his time till he attempted to taint the surface again. For all she knew he was directly related to the blight her son was fighting.

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royal_bastard
2011-04-05 07:41 am UTC (link)

"I had a good base for them to work with," Alistair with a slight smile. "Besides, the Chantry basically did its best in showing me what not. to do. Here's everything that we do and believe, you probably might want to do the opposite in order to avoid being painfully judgmental and hypocritical. You know, that sort of thing," He said with a nervous laugh.

The idea that something that wasn't a Blight could ever be that dire sobered Alistair's thoughts, however, as he looked over at her, a heavy worry seeping into himself. "Then, I hope you did succeed," He said gently. "Thedas has been lucky this time, that we managed to put together an army quickly enough to vanquish the Blight that it didn't have long enough to taint all of the land, that I would hate to see something else simply swallow everything up not long after that."

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thefirstwarden
2011-04-06 05:55 am UTC (link)

"I think maybe you might be smarter than your father, at least." she teased lightly. Maric was brilliant in his own way, even if she was not sure he would ever be able to articulate himself like that. The Chantry was not exactly something that came up in conversation often. Still it took someone with a mind of some sort to be able to think on their own in a world like that.

Shaking her head, she squeezed his hand again almost instinctively. "That's where I'm off to, I guess. While you were growing up. I'd say that I'm sorry but." her voice faltered and she pulled her hand away more out of guilt than actually wanting to. "From what you've said of your past, your father listened to what I asked of him."

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royal_bastard
2011-04-06 09:00 pm UTC (link)

Well, that was certainly a first, someone suggesting that he might actually be smarter than someone else. Intelligence was not something that Alistair was often (if ever) praised for. It wasn't that he was dumb. Quite the opposite, actually, but the observations that his mind had lead him to make over the years had never been looked upon kindly by most of the people that had surrounded him. He'd differed and to differ in a world of rigid dogma and strict principle had never been a proven recipe for success.

Even if he was going to be made king despite it.

When she pulled away this time, though, Alistair didn't allow it, reaching back over and taking her hand as a reassurance to both of them, to her that he wasn't upset and to himself that she wasn't simply going to vanish the next time he blinked too long. "You both did what you had to," Alistair said gently. He understood. There were still pains, small hurts from his childhood that probably would never fade, but he understand why he'd been told what he had, why things had been done the way that they had been. He could only imagine the reaction of the nobles if any of them found out the truth, that their future king was not only half Orlesian...but half elven and of mage blood. There was a certain...delightful irony to it, though, that he couldn't help but be amused at. "For everyone's sake, including my own."

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thefirstwarden
2011-04-06 09:24 pm UTC (link)

Fiona's eyes darted up to his face when he took her hand back. This was ridiculous, he was her son. From all she knew about how families were supposed to work, she was supposed to be comforting him, not the other way around. So she decided to attempt to be a mother, whatever that meant. Her free hand came up and covered his, both of her hands holding onto his gently as she turned to face him between. She had no idea what to say, so instead she studied his face for a moment, curiously. Yes he took strongly after his father but there were differences there. At least differences from the memory she had of Maric. He had grown into a strong man without either of them. Fiona supposed that she likely had Duncan to thank for that out of anyone she knew.

"You deserved more than I could possibly give you, Alistair." she finally stated plainly. That was her explanation. He seemed to understand but she felt the need to give it anyway. If she had been able to hear just something like this when she had been younger, and it was something she had forced upon him as well as far as she knew. But she could at least tell him now. "But you are loved. Even if it might not have felt like it at times. I'd do anything for you."

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