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Anders ([info]oftwominds) wrote in [info]colligo_threads,
@ 2011-03-22 23:48:00

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Entry tags:anders, nathaniel howe

WHO: Nathaniel Howe and Anders
WHEN: Just after Nathaniel's arrived.
WHERE: Building C. 405.
WHAT: The two friends have catching up to do. Plus there's the small issue of Justice.
RATING: TBD
STATUS: Incomplete



There were many people that Anders knew here, and there were even more people that knew of him more than he knew them. But now for the first time really there was someone he knew and knew him, Nathaniel. It seemed that his former friend and companion had come from slightly happier times, or at least less templar filled times. And from what he could tell it was before Justice and him had decided to merge into one being. In fact Nathaniel was who they had originally gotten the idea from, even if it had only just been in passing from the archer. The fact remained that Nathaniel was the closest he had to an actual friend here, someone who he was almost on equal footing in what they had known and experienced together.

Which was why Anders had headed out to find him. Lord Mewsy was curled up in one of his robe pockets as he made his way up the stairs. While there had been the option to get clothes that fit in more with this place, Anders had stuck to his familiar clothing for now. There was too much that was new and strange here already, he needed something of comfort and familiarity. He would have to give into it eventually but for now he was happy with just looking like himself, especially since it seemed there was another man who looked just like him running about. Though without the fetching ponytail.

Checking the numbers when he got there to make sure he was right, Anders reached out and knocked on the door. And now he would get to steel himself to reveal to Nathaniel just what had happened. Sure he had told him some of the story and he had told Hawke about himself after only knowing her a few hours. But this was different, this was Nathaniel. As difficult as telling the commander had been, this was possibly more so.


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[info]oftwominds
2011-03-23 05:08 am UTC (link)
"I deserve nothing of the sort. Unless it's the sort that also includes things like whipped cream. But I don't think it is." Anders sighed dramatically. Stalling was something Anders was usually spectacularly good at. Flippant humor was always so much easier to deal with than actually discussing issues at hand. But with the Commander's nearly blatant mentioning Nathaniel deserved to know. In fact there were more reasons than that why his friend deserved to know but it was all just so difficult to put together. Merging with Justice had already lost them so much. Though he knew that giving people up was for the best. He was far less likely to hurt them if he kept them from getting close.

So he took his seat, his hands fiddling with each other as he tried to work it all out in his mind. Just how did one bring this up? He had never had to before without Justice showing himself previously. But that was not something he wanted to subject his friend to. "But I'm guessing from that expectant look you want me to just... forgo the pleasantries and get to the point."

Anders sighed again, though this one lacked his normal humor. His head fell into on of his hands, fingers balancing his forehead on top of them as he tried to think. "There's a reason the templars went after me. More to the reason than their usual ones even."

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[info]thehowelegacy
2011-03-23 05:18 am UTC (link)
There was a sudden concern that spiked in Nathaniel. Even when being serious, Anders usually laced things was a veil of humour in order to make them seem less impactful than they really were. But now, there was no shielding or silver lining. There was a certain edge to his voice that made Nathaniel sit up, made his attention focus and made his expression draw heavily.

"What happened?" Nathaniel asked, his voice far more concern than it was suspicion. When it came to this situation, even if the Templars were supposed to be the ones who received his backing, Anders, by virtue of being his friend, was the one who was receiving the benefit of the doubt. A mages' intentions are always unknown, that was what people said, but Nathaniel was sure that he knew Anders. And none of them were ever malicious.

"I'm not going to judge you," Nathaniel said, figuring that the reassurance was rather unnecessary but might help anyway. "Whatever the situation might have been."

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[info]oftwominds
2011-03-23 05:25 am UTC (link)
"You shouldn't say things like that until you've heard what I've done." Anders quipped, a dark line of humor in his tone. It was true though. All of what he had done, it was all for good intentions. But really he wondered where those good intentions had gotten him. The part of himself that he knew was Justice, it was different. Anders had a hard time believing that these thoughts, these reactions, that they were his friend.

His friend had been merciful. Now it seemed like Justice did not even know the meaning of the word.

His mouth opened and shut for a few moments, trying to figure out its way around the words he needed. And if it all went to hell, if Nathaniel did not understand, what then? What would Nathaniel feel forced to do and would Anders let him? "Justice... is here. Sort of. It's a big mess and I'm not able to fix it."

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[info]thehowelegacy
2011-03-23 05:48 am UTC (link)
"So... You actually did it?" Nathaniel asked, a bit baffled and overwhelmed. A living, willing host. It had only been a stray thought, a random suggestion when he'd brought it up to Justice. It had seemed a better option than rotting corpse after rotting corpse, and it had apparently worked, more than worked as Nathaniel couldn't tell that Justice was even there. There were absolutely no signs that Anders had another spirit inside of him. But... Anders was saying it was a mess? How had it gone wrong? Nathaniel could think of a dozen possibilities, but there was only one way to be sure which one held water. "Anders, what happened? What did you do?"

He asked even though he was pretty sure he didn't want the answer to that question.

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[info]oftwominds
2011-03-23 05:57 am UTC (link)
A soft desperate sort of laugh escaped Anders. Of course Nathaniel followed along with what he was saying. Really despite everything the other man was probably the closest he had ever had to a true friend outside of his cats and a few mages from the circle. And Nathaniel knew Justice. But it was a mess, it was all a mess and there was no fixing it.

"He's... Justice, he's not the same anymore. I mean, we're the same person now, I can't even figure out where I end and he begins or whichever way you'd try to put it." Anders started to explain even if it felt like he was just garbling it up. But that was the only way he could think of telling it, garbled just like his mind. "But he's not Justice anymore. The templars. I just get so angry when I see them, I think it was too much for him."

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[info]thehowelegacy
2011-03-23 06:13 am UTC (link)
Nathaniel understood. He truly wished that he didn't, but he understood what Anders was saying, what had happened. The body that Justice had been inhabiting had been best because it was deceased, an imprint of a being but with none of the hopes and fears, angry and hatred, lusts and desires the drove a man. He had been able to remain untouched by them, but in a living body, in a mind of a man who had his imperfections however small they might have been, Justice hadn't been able to remain neutral and impartial. Perhaps if he'd been a spirit more intune with Anders's core being, Compassion perhaps or Humility, it would have remained intact. But Justice...

"I understand," Nathaniel said quietly, shaking his head. "It... It was a bad idea. I didn't take into consideration all of the factors that might have effected the outcome," Because, in the end, this was his fault. Without his input, Justice never would have accepted the idea. And Nathaniel was dubious exactly how much the spirit would be willing to listen to him now.

"Is there anything left of him that feels familiar?" Nathaniel asked quietly. "He was able to leave Kristoff's body willing. He might... He might leave you willingly if he's given enough reason."

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[info]oftwominds
2011-03-23 06:24 am UTC (link)
"It's not your fault." Anders insisted, shaking his head. Sure Nathaniel had suggested the idea to Justice, but Anders had been the one to agree to it. It was Anders who had opened himself up to this and made everything go so terribly wrong. Now he was Justice but not at the same time. Instead it was more vengeance, something that Justice had abhorred. But there was no turning back now, at least no way that he was aware of.

Shaking his head again he looked up at Nathaniel. At least he had not immediately gone for his bow and notched an arrow, that was a good reaction in Anders book. Because even with how much of a mess things were he really was not looking forward to dying, not yet. He had too much work to do. "It's not like that anymore. We're not two separate beings. I can't hear his thoughts, his thought are my thoughts. I don't think he can leave, I don't even know if he'd survive my dying."

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[info]thehowelegacy
2011-03-23 06:41 am UTC (link)
"I still should have given it more thought before speaking up," Nathaniel said, looking over at his friend. His friends. Even if he could only see one of them and the other was forever changed, that didn't change their relationship. And, as it was, Anders...hardly looked like an abomination. Nor did he seem to be acting like one. Mages were typically forever changed when they became a foothold for a demon. There was something...different about this even if Nathaniel didn't know exactly what it was.

"How are you handling it?" It seemed a reasonable enough question. Perhaps a bit intrusive, but Nathaniel needed to know if Anders thought he could deal with this situation or not, if he still...felt like himself. There were a lot of little questions that Nathaniel wanted to ask but figured it would be better to refrain from. There was no reason to overwhelm him when he was already dealing with a lot.

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[info]oftwominds
2011-03-23 06:51 am UTC (link)
"It's not as if you thought I'd actually have a mind to go through with it." Anders did not blame Nathaniel. Sure his friend had come up with the idea mostly and could be seen to be at fault, but that did not mean he deserved any blame. Anders had free will, and so had Justice. They had chosen this. And it was true, he wasn't a normal abomination. There were moments where he lost control, where the anger got too much of him. But the rest of the time he was just... him, whatever that was now.

With that he reached into his pocket, his fingers brushing up against the soft fur of the kitten that was curled up happily in there. How was he handling it? He was not sure really. "I was in Kirkwall. Helping refugees, but helping mages too. A.... close friend of mine had recently been turned tranquil. Just, every time I see a templar now I feel like I can't control myself. And sometimes I can't. He just comes up and I don't know what happened until after I've done something."

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[info]thehowelegacy
2011-03-23 07:09 am UTC (link)
"Maybe if you work on learning to control your anger, it won't become too much for you?" Nathaniel suggested, unsure of exactly what this entailed. All he knew was that it wasn't what he had suggested at all. Usurping Anders's body in order to fulfill a desire brought on by righteous anger was hardly giving. It might not have been taking in the strictest sense, but existence was full of moments of righteous anger left unfulfilled. That was what it was there for, to blossom in order to give one relief from a situation that could not be changed, not in the way that the anger demanded, at least. If Nathaniel had been unable to resist his righteous anger like that... Neria would have laid dead in a pool of her own blood the second that his cell door had been opened, and he never would have understood the truth behind the falsehoods that would have driven him to such an act.

"At least there's a blessing in the fact there don't seem to be many templars here," Nathaniel said with an encouraging half grin. "Well, other than King Alistair, but you've already said that you don't have an issue with him. So you should get a reprieve here."

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[info]oftwominds
2011-03-24 09:25 pm UTC (link)
"I was never much good at it before." Anders sighed, shaking his head again. It seemed like sometimes that was all he did and that maybe his head would fall off just from wear. "Justice still doesn't understand the concept of time, of lying in wait. The fact that I have as much control as I do is probably a bit of a miracle."

Anger had always been part of Anders life, but his anger had always driven him to flee. Until meeting the Commander he had never had a reason to stay in some place and fight, he had no concept of it. Fighting the good fight was something he had learned following her against the Mother and the Architect. And it was something that Justice had planted into his mind about the plight of mages.

Looking up he caught Nathaniel's grin and returned one in kind. "Look at you, searching for a bright side. I"d almost think that they'd gone and replaced you with someone else."

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[info]thehowelegacy
2011-03-24 10:10 pm UTC (link)
"Well, it seems as though you've usurped my role as the broody one with a cause to fight for. I might as well attempt to take your place as the one always searching for the bright spot in whatever possible outcome might crop up," Nathaniel said with an edge of amusement in his voice. "Besides, I've dealt with my demons, my friend, and found that my anger was wholly unjustified. I may never be the life of the party, but I can offer support when a situation calls for it."

And this situation did, even as Nathaniel was completely unsure whether anything he said would even make a difference. He might have found Anders absolutely infuriating to put up with when they were traveling with the Warden, but that had faded with time. Right now, he was more worried that he wasn't being infuriating.

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[info]oftwominds
2011-03-28 03:45 am UTC (link)
"Oh I'm sure if we got you drunk enough and had Velanna in her keeper robes you'd be the liveliest of us all." Anders teased happily. But there was a sad sort of truth to what he was saying. Nathaniel had been able to face his issues and move on. But Anders knew his own were not the sort that could happen with. The plight of mages would continue until someone did something drastic. Andraste freed the slaves, yes, but it took her amassing an army to do so.

The only difference that Nathaniel was making was that Anders now had someone to talk to. Instead of being alone in Kirkwall assisting Hawke, he now had someone who knew him and Justice to fall back on. There was a relief to that knowledge, especially since Nathaniel had not reacted too poorly. Then again Anders had always felt they were more similar than different. Even if his Howe metaphor had been a little less than perfect.

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[info]thehowelegacy
2011-03-28 06:50 am UTC (link)
"If I was drunk enough, certainly, but I'm hardly the sort of man that would accost a lovely young woman in full view of a gathered crowd when fully in control of my sense," Nathaniel said, arching an eyebrow at Anders who, while accosting was perhaps not the right word, certainly had his moments when given the chance. "I'm far too sensible for anything like that. What sort of noble would I be if I went out drinking every evening only to chat up and hit on random girls in the hopes of prompting an illicit evening? Oh, wait. I know. I'd be my brother."

The last statement was said was an edge of amusement, a hope that the friendly banter would dispel some of the tension that had settled over the revelation. While Nathaniel still couldn't help but be worried for Anders in this position and curious as to exactly what sort of influence Justice would eventually have over him, he hardly wanted to pepper those thoughts on immediately. Surely his friend had anxieties of his own about it, and Nathaniel hardly wished to add to his burden. If anything, he was going to make every effort to lessen them. Even if that meant turning into an infuriating version of himself.

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[info]oftwominds
2011-03-28 07:01 am UTC (link)
"It wouldn't be random girls. It'd be Velanna. Who barely counts as a girl since I'm pretty sure you're the only person she doesn't immediately try to murder with her eyes when they hit on her." Anders mused with a playful shrug. It was a familiar sort of topic, one that he had not even thought about in months. Sure they were times of uncertainty and talking darkspawn, but they were happier at the same time. OR at the very least simpler.

"I wouldn't mind if you were that kind of noble. I might actually have a shot with you then." he teased, giving Nathaniel a playful wink. They both knew Anders meant nothing by it, because Anders rarely meant anything by his flirting. Especially now. There was no room for romance in his life now, not with what he had to do.

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[info]thehowelegacy
2011-03-29 11:27 pm UTC (link)
"That's because I don't hit, Anders. I woo," Nathaniel said with a wry edge to his words. He'd liked Velanna for several reasons. She was strong-willed, opinionated, loyal, and it certainly hadn't hurt that she was beautiful. Sure, she had had a small (read: giant) issue with humanity, but Nathaniel had met few elves that didn't have some issue with the "shem." And as it was, she had eventually come to see him as someone that she could tolerate even if he was human. "A lady deserves no less."

Nathaniel shook his head with a slight eye of his eyes. But there it was. That utterly infuriating attitude and tendency to make Nathaniel want to just drop his head in defeat. At least it was good to see that Anders hadn't completely disappeared into his situation. "There are more than enough of 'those types of nobles' around for anyone, Anders. I think I'll stick to being horribly straight-laced, if you don't mind."

Which Nathaniel was sure he did, at least a little.

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[info]oftwominds
2011-03-30 04:58 am UTC (link)
"Velanna isn't a lady. She's a prickly tentacled root plant monster." Anders nodded solemnly even as he knew that was possibly one of the most ridiculous things he could be saying. Though with Velanna it was pretty true. Of the friends he had made through the Commander, she was probably the least like one. Sure there were things he agreed on her with but at the same time she did sort of, well, hate all of them. Except for maybe Nathaniel. Anders was of the opinion that it was because she had a thing for men with deep voices.

He grinned happily at that reaction from Nathaniel. "Oh good, I still annoy you. That's good to know. I'd hate it if the thing with me and Justice made it so that you felt you couldn't be annoyed with me anymore. And I like you being horribly straight-laced. It'd be no fun to 'woo' you if you weren't."

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[info]thehowelegacy
2011-03-31 03:44 am UTC (link)
"That's an...interesting mental picture," Nathaniel said, barely able to keep a straight face as he pondered the idea of Velanna as a tentacled root plant monster. He had to admit that she did occasionally take on that appearance in battle, being surrounded by the forces of nature as she was, but she honestly wasn't even that prickly. Not when she actually managed to drop her hostilities and let down her guard. "And you're rather lucky she isn't here to be told that you said that. It saves you a death glare and possibly a sound thrashing."

"And of course you still annoy me. You have done your best to make an art form out of provoking my ire when I'm simply trying to have a mature discussion. At least you've gotten a bit better at the mature discussion part of it... Even if you still love to ruin it with comments like that," Nathaniel said with a groan, raising a hand to cover his face. "There shall be no wooing. Ever. You've got a whole city to accost. Go. Have fun."

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[info]oftwominds
2011-04-02 02:28 am UTC (link)
"It's not luck, I wouldn't say it if she was here. Contrary to popular belief I'm rather fond of being alive." Anders chuckled, clearly amused. Though really he could not say he would mind if the elf showed up. Well unless she showed up back in her murdering people at random phase. A surge of anger rose up and he quickly managed to quell. All those people were killed just because Velanna could not have been bothered to find out the truth. There was a reason he much preferred their other companions to her, fetching tattoos aside.

Grinning, Anders shook his head. "There will always be wooing, Nathaniel. If only to annoy you. Who knows, maybe one day you'll go back to being your bad boy self and all my hard and very bothersome work will be rewarded."

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[info]thehowelegacy
2011-04-02 04:29 am UTC (link)
"You say that like I'd let her murder you," Nathaniel said with a hint of amusement. "Like the Commander would. Even if she were here, we would be murder free, Anders. Annoying as you may be, I like you better in one piece than in several." Which was really something that extended to all of them. Their time they had spent together tracking down the Architect and slaying the Mother might not have been a significant amount of time in their lives, but it had forged bonds that Nathaniel certainly wasn't willing to break, no matter what the circumstances.

Like right now, when he truly wanted to throw something at Anders's head and yet really wouldn't have the situation at all different. "I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you."

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[info]oftwominds
2011-04-03 03:53 am UTC (link)
"Well I just assumed that you'd be too busy staring at her heaving bosoms to notice her murdering me. Though the Commander probably wouldn't be distracted, that's true." Anders teased because that was what felt normal. It was almost like he was him again, the old him. He wasn't and he knew that, Justice knew that, whatever it is that they were knew it. But it was still nice to have that little grasp of normality, of what could almost be described as happiness.

Grinning cheekily, Anders gave Nathaniel a wink. "Now you're just tempting me."

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[info]thehowelegacy
2011-04-04 12:49 am UTC (link)
"I think I would notice if she was doing something that we making you bleed profusely. Even if she was doing her best to distract me with her... Yeah, I can't.. even say that," Nathaniel said, embarrassed by the very thought. It wasn't that Velanna didn't have a very nice bosom, but speaking about it out loud was a bit more than Nathaniel found himself capable of. Raising a hand to run through his hair, he shook his head, "But yes. Choking, bleeding, various and other sundry secret ways of murder that the Dalish may have up their sleeves, you would be well protected. On my family's honour, for what it's worth," Nathaniel said, knowing that Anders knew that while that statement might not be worth much to anyone else, it was about as firm a promise as Nathaniel would ever give.

"And I am not," Nathaniel sighed in exasperation.

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[info]oftwominds
2011-04-05 03:52 am UTC (link)
"I find it so hard to believe that you used to sleep around, Nathaniel." Anders laughed, grinning wildly at his friend. "Can't even say it? Though maybe the ladies fall for that adorable bumbling act." And Anders knew that Nathaniel had his back, he was one of the few people that he actually trusted. It had made running away from the order without telling him all the more difficult. While he trusted his friend it was a burden that he would not allow himself to put on the other man. He cared about him too much to do that to him. "I'll take it on your honour." Whatever his father had done, Anders knew that Nathaniel was not his father. If anyone could redeem the Howe name it would be him.

"And yes you are. Like I said, the whole bumbling false innocence thing."

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[info]thehowelegacy
2011-04-06 09:43 pm UTC (link)
"I still have some semblance of modesty. Is that a word you're even familiar with?" Nathaniel asked with an over-exaggerated furrowing of his eyebrows even if he wasn't able to completely mask the grin that was threatening to come up on his face. "And you're right. Bumbling innocence really does attract the women. I mean, look at King Alistair. He's utterly clueless, and he's got women constantly falling at his feet. Of course, he also has the advantage of being a Prince. I'm sure that doesn't hurt," He said with a chuckle.

"We'll just have to settle for being normal, boring guys who take what they can get."

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[info]oftwominds
2011-04-06 10:41 pm UTC (link)
"I hadn't, but Justice is rather fond of it. So I've become accustomed to the concept." Anders attempted to brush it off flippantly but it was true. He had changed with Justice and that was unavoidable. While he might still be able to flirt it was only because none of it meant anything. Anders knew that Nathaniel would never want to be with someone like him and so it was safe, there were no consequences to it all. "You know he might, but I'm not sure he knows what to do with them once they're there. I question if he even knows that the fade spirit isn't the one that brings babies." Anders mused.

Laughing, Anders grinned at him cheekily. "Now that's a lie, if you took what you could get I'd be naked already."

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[info]thehowelegacy
2011-04-06 11:03 pm UTC (link)
Nathaniel let the comment pass. While he might have rather questioned it, examined the changes that Anders felt had occurred, he'd just managed to get his friend in a good mood. He was hardly going to sour that just to settle his own curiosities. It could all wait for another day when Anders's attitude was already dreary. "The lad was raised in the Chantry, if I recall correctly. It's definitely a possibility. I'm not sure whether that will bode well or poorly for the nation. It certainly wouldn't do for a King to simply wait around for heirs to manifest from his dreams."

"And if I ever took you up on the offer, you'd run in the other direction," At least, Nathaniel figured. Not that he'd ever risk such a thing for fear that Anders would call his bluff, and he'd end up accidentally wounding his friend by having to insist that he'd only been kidding. "I'm far too stuffy for you, anyway."

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[info]oftwominds
2011-04-07 01:36 am UTC (link)
"No I can't imagine that would be a good thing at all." Anders tapped his chin in a mock thoughtful manner. "Perhaps I should set him aside and have a talk with him. Explain the whole process to him. It'd be for the good of the country, really." He was glad for Nathaniel deciding to not delve further into his little confession. There was only so much that a man could be reasonably expected to deal with in a given day. Confessing nearly being an abomination ranked rather high on that scale.

"That's what you think." Anders quipped back easily, tossing his friend a saucy wink. But the chances were that he wouldn't. It was not that he wasn't attracted to Nathaniel, he was. But Anders made a point to never be too close with someone when he started relations of that sort. It was ingrained within him from the templars. One of the few times he had strayed close to that rule had been Karl... and Karl was gone now.

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