InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "Make it so."

Mr. R. J. Lupin (selenophobe) wrote in colligo_threads,
@ 2011-02-11 23:22:00

Entry tags:

freya, remus lupin

Who: Remus and Freya.
What: Discussion of various things and platonic snuggles at bedtime.
Where: Their apartment.
When: Thursday Night.
Rating: TBD.
Status: In progress.

Marriage wasn't anything Remus had ever really considered before. For most of his life there had been the werewolf thing to think about, something that had made him keep people at a distance, and he had never expected that to change. Now, even though his condition was no longer an issue, he was involved with Sirius...a situation that did not lend itself to eventual marriage. And Remus was fine with that. In all honesty, there were still moments when he wasn't entirely comfortable with the way things were developing between them. It wasn't that he didn't care about Sirius or want this, quite the opposite, but he was still adjusting to being in the twenty-first century. To being a muggle in the twenty-first century. From what little he knew of muggle Britain in his own time, they were not very accepting of homosexuality. And his own world had been even more staunchly opposed to that sort of lifestyle than their muggle counterparts, or so he imagined. After all, their numbers weren't what they had once been, and they needed wizards and witches to settle down and make more wizards and witches. While he wasn't a factor, due to his condition and the associated stigma, Sirius certainly would have been. And had they discovered this relationship back home and not here, a possibility he immediately discounted as highly improbable, they likely wouldn't have risked the disdain of their peers and the censure of society just for the sake of some feelings that might not even last in the face of such adversity. This place was different, in that it was insulated from the world, and he felt safer caring about Sirius here. And yet sometimes, not often but sometimes, he was still uneasy about it all.

Not that any of that really mattered because he did care for Sirius quite a lot. And anyway, even if he ever tried to bring up logical objections, Siris would just hold tighter to the relationship out of sheer stubbornness. He was an aggravating bastard like that.

Now though, he was married. It wasn't something he had chosen, but it could have been worse. His wife was nice, quiet and gentle and just very nice. Pretty too. And her name wasn't one of those strange muggle names some people had around here. Freya sounded like it could have been the name of any girl at Hogwarts. It suited her, mostly because it was pretty and she was pretty. And nice. He really could have done much worse. So while he missed Sirius and the comfort that came with seeing him around the flat and sleeping next to him, he wasn't entirely unhappy to make a new acquaintance...however strange the circumstances of that acquaintance might have been.

Except now it was time to settle down for bed and he suddenly felt terribly self-conscious. There was only one bed, which he supposed meant they would have to share it, and besides that his scars would be even more apparent in his night clothes than his regular ones. The ones on his face were always visible, but during the day he always had long sleeves to cover his arms and he did his best not to let anyone see the marks left by his monthly transformations. Only now it seemed unavoidable. He'd gone into the bathroom to change and now he popped his head awkwardly into the bedroom.

"I don't really...feel comfortable sleeping in a shirt," he told Freya, practically hiding behind the door. "It's just a bit...constricting. Is that going to be a problem? I mean...I promise I'm not trying to...um...try anything. I have someone I'm sort of...well...I have someone. So I'm not trying anything. It's just weird for me to sleep in a shirt, and I didn't want to make you uncomfortable. Is that okay? If it isn't...just say."

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_ofthelake
2011-02-12 07:46 pm UTC (link)

Freya jumped, blushing as she set aside the odd little book with pictures in it that had been laying on the table. She bit her lip and turned toward the bathroom, averting her eyes slightly when he spoke.

"No?" She didn't see how it was a problem, but it clearly was for him. People went without shirts on all the time. It wasn't something Freya ever thought about in terms of comfort or modesty. But he seemed to and it was enough to make her throw into place a million self-conscious barriers.

Being married was very strange, she had to admit. The closest she had ever come to any kind of relationship had been with Merlin and- Yes. It was always best not to fully think about that. There were moments when she would look at her hands and expect to see the sun's reflection moving across her pale skin in ripples and days where she woke up expecting not to be breathing, but this wasn't all that bad she thought, just terribly awkward. "I-no. It's fine. I don't mind."

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selenophobe
2011-02-15 11:33 pm UTC (link)

Remus knew he had been a bit awkward with his question, but he'd also never really had to worry about sharing space with a girl like this. Especially not space in the sense of a bed. It was all new and a little intimidating, to be honest. But Freya was nice, so that certainly made things easier.

"All right then," he said, ducking his head with embarrassment. Now he didn't have an excuse, and he couldn't spend the night hiding behind a door. Taking a breath to steady his nerves, he stepped into the room, immediately feeling self-conscious. It wasn't just that he had scars. It was that he had a lot, far more than most people would. And they weren't neat scars either. After all, he had clawed at himself while he was transformed into a large and violent wolf with no control. There was nothing neat about that.

He avoided looking at her as he made his way into the room, sitting down on the bed. "This is terribly awkward, isn't it?" he asked with a small, uncomfortable smile. "I mean...don't get me wrong. I'd rather this than people dying...but it certainly seems as if our captor is just having fun at our expense at this point."

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_ofthelake
2011-02-15 11:40 pm UTC (link)

Her eyes flicked down to his chest, curious but not about to ask. Certainly she hadn't seen a man that heavily scarred, but the shape they took kept her from asking. That and the fact that he seemed happier to hide from her than tell her.

"It seems to be worse for other people." Freya crept into the bedroom, feeling the bizarre little tug that kept her moving toward him rather than away, but she stopped at the door, gripping the frame. This wasn't something she was used to having to do. Comfort people. She tried, but that didn't mean she was much good at it. "I never had someone to begin with, not like you."

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selenophobe
2011-02-16 12:30 am UTC (link)

She didn't ask. It was a relief, in an odd sort of way, and Remus found himself relaxing somewhat when the uncomfortable questions he had expected didn't come. And, strangely enough, it almost made him want to open up to her. But he had never been very good at that.

"It's not as if it's forever," he said with a shrug. "I think a lot of people are overreacting. I mean, it's one thing if they're separated from their children...that I can understand. But compared to the other things that happen here? It's really not so terrible." He smiled. "I'm surprised. I mean, you're quite pretty. And you seem very nice. And really...I never really had anyone either, until very recently."

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_ofthelake
2011-02-16 01:13 am UTC (link)

"I had Merlin." It was as close to confessing any part of her past to a stranger since arriving. Merlin was the only one who knew everything and it had been hard to say it all to him. He had been so sweet to her when she needed him, but she had never believed he would stay with her.

Dying had made it easy to be released from any hasty, desperate promises. Especially those of forever.

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selenophobe
2011-02-16 03:53 am UTC (link)

"Are you sure that you don't any more?" Remus asked her. "Maybe there's still something there. He seemed concerned about you on the network. I think he might still care about you." He paused and looked down at his hands. "But it's not really my place to say anything...sorry. I just...can't see any reason why he wouldn't."

He was quiet for a long moment and then he looked over at her. "I gave them to myself," he admitted. "All of them. Except...well...this is the only one that wasn't my own fault." He brought his hand up to touch a messy scar at the juncture of his neck and shoulder, obviously some kind of animal bite. "That one...it's from the werewolf that bit me." He'd never really talked to anyone about it before. Not like this. "I was six when it happened. After that...my parents locked me up for the full moon and...since I didn't have anything else to take out my aggression on..." He shrugged a little helplessly. "The first ones were the worst, but it never exactly got better."

He looked down again. "But you don't have to worry about the full moon. I'm not...not any more anyway. It went away when I died at Christmas time. I'm just a normal bloke now. So...yeah...you don't have to worry."

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_ofthelake
2011-02-16 04:02 am UTC (link)

"He's a good friend." He was her best friend. Her only real friend. Freya didn't know what to consider everyone else she had met here, aquaintances perhaps, but she never felt comfortable near them. Even now that she was normal. Brilliantly, painfully normal, she couldn't take being around everyone all of the time. She had been trying at least. She got out, learned, explored, but she never stayed in one place long enough to have a real conversation. He took care of me when no one else would. She wasn't sure how. "He said he would run away with me," she added in a bare whisper.

Freya came and sat beside Remus, hanging onto the edge of the bed, ready to bolt if he got upset by her moving closer. She crossed her feet at the heel and stared down at Remus' hands, watching him point to different scars, explaining them in a way she only understood too well.

She opened and closed her mouth a few times, hair tumbling across her face as she tried to think of a way to explain how very much she understood that.

"When I was twelve I killed a man," she finally said when the seconds stretched too far for comfort. "He attacked me in the forest near my home."

Freya tugged on her hair, twining it around anxious fingers. "His mother found out and cursed me. I-" She glanced up at him. "I wish my parents would have locked me away at night."

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selenophobe
2011-02-16 09:17 pm UTC (link)

"I'm glad for that," Remus said with a small smile. "We all need friends...it helps us get through the difficult parts of life." He looked over at her. "And...I mean...we barely know one another, but I can be a friend too." Because she was nice and sweet and she seemed like she needed friends. He remembered when he had been the same way, mostly alone, before Sirius and James had become his friends. He didn't want her to feel that way. "Maybe he still wants that," he said gently. "This place...it messes things about...and it's hard to be sure. Maybe you should talk to him about it. Honesty and communication are the only ways of really knowing."

When she sat next to him, he felt a momentary bolt of anxiety, but he pushed it down. It wasn't her. It was the subject matter. Talking about his condition was hard for him, and it was something he usually avoided. He waited for the usual awkwardness or pity, but it didn't come. And instead he found himself faced with something he had never expected. Understanding. Kinship. She knew what he had gone through, because she had been through the same things.

"My father...he was in the government," he explained. "And there was this werewolf...Fenrir Greyback. He was terrifying and dangerous and he didn't care if he hurt people. My father wanted regulations...to help keep people safe. He...well...he offended Greyback...and he wasn't the type to just shrug off a slight. I was attacked the next full moon. By Greyback. He wanted to punish my father."

He looked at her curiously, sliding closer on the bed. There was a strange sort of draw, a connection that came with this kind of terrible understanding. Both of them had gone through things nobody should have to, and they had both come out the other side. "What did you become?" he asked.

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_ofthelake
2011-02-17 07:48 pm UTC (link)

Freya bit her lower lip, listening to Remus explanations with a wry kind of understanding. She wished her curse had come in the pursuit of something greater. As much as she had missed her home, they had sent her away, unable or unwilling to try any harder to remove the curse from her or keep her safe from others. It was bitterness unlike any to know that she had been cast from a group that was meant to shelter those in need and never took up arms against anyone. That she had been so horrible, so wrong they couldn't keep her.

"I was a bastet." She lifted her gaze to Remus' face. "It's like a large cat with wings." She tried to grin. It sounded absurd to her own ears, it would to anyone. "I was unstoppable. It was-It was every night." She dug her nails into her palms. "I couldn't think. All I ever wanted was to hurt. I killed so many people."

Until she had finally been wounded. Until she regained enough of her own mind to recognize someone she couldn't hurt. It had been horrible. That whole night was the worst she could recall. The pain had been blinding, indescribable even through the bloodlust and she never wished to experience anything like that ever again.

She couldn't keep sitting there. She couldn't believe she had admitted that. Her legs moved without her acknowledging the will to move and before she knew, she was huddled in the corner of the room, just enough to feel itchy but safe.

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