InsaneJournal

Who: Regulus and Morgana
What: Morgana tracks him down just after this to keep him from doing something stupid
When: Sunday late morning
Where: Somewhere around town
Rating/Warnings: High, talk of drug use and adult themes
Status: In progress, closed


Regulus chose a direction and ran. He ran until his legs ached and his lungs burned from lack of oxygen and then being drenched in it when he did try to suck it in. He used to be in better shape, when he was on the Slytherin House Quidditch team, but that had been months past and in the mean time Regulus had wasted himself on drugs and apathy and inaction. As he had done just the previous night. He didn’t get very far from the flat before his body simply refused to carry him further.

He stopped running and spun around looking for a place he could rest and hide. The alley to his left promised such a place.

He stepped far enough in that he wasn’t noticeable by general traffic but not so deep that he was near the dumpsters at the end. He backed against the brick facade of on of the buildings lining the alley to find balance and support. It hurt to breathe, it hurt to think, thinking brought him back to that flat and in front of Sirius again, his brother with the twitching wand hand ready to cast some kind of curse likely to tear at and extinguish any connection they had remaining between them. Ready to hurt him.

Oh, Regulus knew he’d hurt his brother with his words, but Sirius had struck first. Regulus hated that he’d been so fucking vulnerable these past three weeks, letting Sirius see just where to strike where it would cause the most damage - and Sirius did not attack with finesse and elegance, Regulus felt as if his brother had taken a sledge hammer to whatever it was that was aching most within him now, he felt decimated.

Before Regulus knew it he was sliding down to the ground and wrapping his arms around his knees he started to cry into his arms. He wasn’t aware of what he was doing until he realized his body was shaking violently against the wall, and the moment he realized this he sobbed harder, searing his lungs more, as he hadn’t allowed himself to do in ages.

He didn’t want to be found, he just wanted to end.

It was the second time she crouched down before a Black brother in one morning.

As soon as Morgana could leave Sirius she had. She had taken what she had gone for and left. Because she couldn't in good conscious know what she knew now and leave Regulus on his own. He might not want her presence but he could not be left alone. A part of her would always feel guilt if she left him alone.


Sirius would drink himself in a stupor which was no better than what Regulus might do - because she wasn't going to assume, though it was difficult not to - but it certainly wasn't any worse. Sirius would be fine .. alone .. for the time being. Regulus would not.

She had ran out the door and hoped silently that she was headed in the right direction.

Morgana had lucked out. She knew just how much she had when she heard him sobbing.

Carefully she made her way toward him and lowered herself until she was on her knees. She didn't touch him. Morgana simply watched him for a moment, her heart breaking. Before she sat next to him. Not touching him but close enough to his personal space. Giving comfort through her presence.

So lost in thoughts and trying to forget said thoughts Regulus had not even noticed someone approaching. It hadn’t even have crossed his mind that Morgana would try to follow him, would get lucky enough to chose the same direction and be on the correct side of the street to hear him in this particular alley way. He didn’t think like that, he almost always assumed the worst possible scenario. She was next to him before he knew she was there.

His first response was to try to ignore her. He didn’t want more emotional turmoil, he had enough roiling within him to last him a life time, again. And in his mind she was first and foremost Sirius’ friend - she and Regulus had had a few good conversations on the network but that didn’t really amount to much when compared to what others had built over time. In short he was mistrustful.

But she didn’t say anything. Nothing disparaging, nothing sharp, nothing.

Still rather uncontrollably sobbing he turned his head slightly to peak out at her. He wished he hadn’t. It bothered him how attractive he found her, not that he blamed her in the slightest, but he was far to messed up to include anything about sex, not that that’s what this was, but even something as harmless as physical attraction was way beyond him to handle at this point in life. Plus she looked rather surreal sitting in some dump of an alley, next to him. She didn’t belong here, and he was keeping her there.

“Don’t say it,” his voice was both thick and yet raspy, “please don’t say he, despite it all, still cares. Not- I can’t-” he hated how his voice faltered and that this was yet one more person learning his vulnerabilities that she could use to eviscerate him, “not after that.”

"I won't." She said easily, quickly. Her tone soft and devoid of the judgment that he was looking for. If anything he should be telling her 'I told you so' he wouldn't be completely right but at the moment it was him, not her who should be chastising the other over Sirius' nature. She had spoken to Sirius. She saw how was over this. That didn't mean it excused how that made Regulus feel. She wasn't going to tell him that he had to feel better or attempt to have him feeling guilty. That wasn't what she was there for. But he didn't know that.

She hesitated before placing a hand on his arm. If he didn't want her touching him he could shove her away. Morgana had been cursed with a touchy best friend and she was acting on what Gwen would do. She had also spent the first ten years of her life in a household with lots of hugs and love. Even after her mother died. Being in Colligo for a year had certainly hurt in camaraderie and friendly intimacy. Even Uther had had moments where he had softness. Giving comfort wasn't foreign concept to her. Far from it, even though living with Uther had done a lot to stilt it. "I'm not here about Sirius." She said carefully, but the tone of her voice was strong. Morgana wanted to make sure that he understood her, that there was no doubt. They wouldn't mention Sirius unless he wanted to do so. "I wanted to make sure you were alright given the circumstances."

Under normal circumstances Regulus has a strict No Touch Without Permission policy, he had good reason for it, a lesson his mother had taught him through her many almost psychotic in nature outbursts and then later reinforced by his fellow Death Eaters, one in particular, during his almost year and a half as a Death Eater. But this wasn’t a normal circumstance, and Morgana was definitely not his mother or his personal Death Eater tormentor.

He stared at her hand for a while, and decided that it could stay when he realized he’d stopped shaking, though tears still leaked from his eyes. He inched his hand closest to hers up to cover hers, surprised that human contact could be so soothing, he’d forgotten that, or had never really learned that in the first place.

“Well.” He skipped over the mention of his brother, figuring his silence would be taken as an acceptance of what she claimed. He grimaced and sort of bobbed his head, had he not currently buried half his face in his knees and arms it would have been a nod directing attention to himself, as it was it was a bit indiscernible what he meant. “Here I am.” Maybe that would explain it.

And he knew what she meant, too, the circumstances being one in which he might slip off and shoot up. He’d thought about it, strongly, and he wouldn’t deny it if she asked.

Morgana managed to hide her surprise quite well when he placed his hand over hers. Then again Morgana was rather good at hiding her emotions. And she had a lot of thoughts and feelings about this entire situation and her involvement. Something that she would inspect later on during the shower she would have before the advil she would need.

Thoughts about why she was in a dirty ally attempting to give comfort to a man she barely knew. The younger brother who was shattering the walls of a man she was coming to consider a close friend, one of the few people that she truly cared about. Morgana didn't have an answer for that. Then again it wasn't unusual for Morgana not to have discernible motives for her actions.

She slid a bit closer to him and didn't remove her hand. "So you are." Morgana answered. His words explained his nod but they did not explain his state of being. Not that Morgana expected such an explanation.

Morgana didn't say anything for a long moment. She wouldn't ask or push. The cards were with him. He would tell her what he wished. She was fine with waiting him out.

If asked, Regulus would say that his statement explained quite a bit, however, Morgana wasn’t at all familiar with how Regulus reacted to things, she only had a fraction of the information even Sirius had and it wasn’t as if the bits Sirius knew helped any.

He wasn’t high. As that was his fall back, fail safe trusted way of coping with anything, him curled up in an alley way was a clear indication that he was beyond reaching for coping mechanisms and probably closer to a mental breakdown. Not that he could ever formulate that into coherent sentences.

He only knew he was probably lower than he’d ever been in his life, save one moment and that had lead to his death. Though, oddly, death, as he understood it had been taken from his list of options in that he firmly believed he’d only end up back in the Library so what was the point really, was far from his mind. He had no clue what to do.

“I suppose you want an explanation,” he started, more because the silence had become somewhat uncomfortable, all his previous experiences told him Morgana should either be yelling at him or he should be offering an explanation. As Morgana didn’t seem to be holding her end up Regulus had to deliver on his. “I don’t do it to hurt him.” To Regulus the indication that he didn’t do this to hurt Sirius, but someone else, himself rather, was clear, whether Morgana picked up on it was yet to be seen.

"I would." Morgana confirmed. "I don't need one, however, so don't feel as if you have to give me one." She wanted to know why he would do what Sirius had no right to confess in front of her. She had some guesses but none of them was a reasoning. None were something that she had expected to have confirmed or explained.

Morgana gave his arm a squeeze, her head tilting slightly at the stress he had put on the last word. She doubted that it was his mother that Regulus was trying to hurt. From what little she had gathered about both him and his brother, they didn't seem as if they would ever give the woman the satisfaction. That they wouldn't give her any excuse to have any power over them. Especially with the woman long dead. Her mind quickly ticked on who he could mean when a very obvious person clicked quickly and obviously in her mind.

Realization flashed across her face but she didn't say anything. "Truly Regulus. There's no need to explain to me anything." She paused before adding. "If you would rather not."

Regulus looked at Morgana’s hand when she squeezed his arm and part of him that had any ability to do so marveled at how that odd gesture brought comfort - why had no one told him human contact could be good and comforting? One of the many things on a long list of things he’d been deprived of in his life.

He moved then, unfolding a bit to scrub his hands across his cheeks in a vain effort to wipe away the tears and the stains, he only smudge the tears around. His hands came to rest pressed together at his lips, almost as if a nervous guard against what he wanted, or maybe didn’t want, to say. Thus far Morgana had proven more receptive of his explanations than anyone else had, Sirius, Severus both had brushed him off as a foolish, stupid child who just needed to listen to the voice of authority. But he wasn’t that, he was lost and scared and in need of someone to hold him, now that he knew what holding might feel like.

“I can’t stop thinking about what I’ve done,” he said at last around his steepled fingers, “or what was done to me,” he hadn’t meant to include that but things were starting to spill from him and he spoke hastily to dismiss that little bit, “but I chose to be a Death Eater so that stuff was my fault, right?” At least that’s what everyone had confirmed thus far.

He was chewing on the knuckle of his thumb now, staring straight ahead, not daring to look at Morgana. “Awake or asleep, I go over ever detail, names, places, I can’t help it. Sometimes I’m distracted enough to not care, but mostly... I need those few hours of not thinking about anything... and I need the punishment afterward,” he shot a quick glance at Morgana, to gauge how she was responding, but quickly found looking at her derailed him and turned away. “Someone has to do it, right- for what I’ve done?”

He was quiet for a moment before speaking again, “I’d not planned on living again, I was supposed to stay dead.”

It had to say just how much her life had changed that she carried tissues wherever she went. She tended to keep a handkerchief in her purse and occasionally if they were on sale wet wipes. However, since Mordred moved came to Colligo Morgana found her life shifting in tiny ways, in attempt to find ways to accommodate for his happiness and his safety. And his cleanliness. Tucking into her pocket she pulled out a small plastic bag and pulled out some tissues. She pressed them into Regulus' hand without a word when he moved his hand from his face.

The only reaction on Morgana's face to the six words that he hadn't meant to include were a deeper furrowing of her brow and a sharpening of her gaze. Her face remained attentive, her body was turned to him, and while she had already been listening those words had her wondering about listening even more for what would not be obvious. Morgana said nothing at his question but her fingers involuntarily flexed into his arm, again in comfort but also to show that she was listening.

Her thoughts swam. Five letters appeared in her mind. 'yes' and 'no'. Neither she could say with complete conviction. Less so for the former. No one had forced Regulus, as far as she knew, to become a Death Eater. There had been other things he likely could have done but he hadn't. In the end, the weight was his because the choice, the decision had been his. That did not mean that it was entirely his fault. No one had made him become a Death Eater but she wondered if anyone had attempted to stop him. It had been his choice but what had been his options, truly. He should take his blame but no one had the right to cast fault on him unless they were completely without responsibility, completely without any connection to Regulus. Completely without their own blame. Or else that brought out a hypocrisy that Morgana had no patience for.

She said nothing for a very long while. Her hand still wrapped around his arm. She moved closer to him when stopped talking but she didn't look at him right away. And then gray eyes met his, "Yet you aren't and punishing yourself .. What is it going to solve?" Her accent curved around the frank question, making it seem sharper as if she was pushing him to think on it. "You're likely going to always hate yourself for what you've done." She didn't comment on what was done to him because she didn't want to say anything to make it worse. Morgana was not certain that she was saying the right thing now. "If you were truly seeking to punish yourself, correct me if I'm wrong, wouldn't you be attempting to live with what you've done? I would think that facing it all, coming to terms would it, would be a much difficult task than allowing it to haunt you."

Regulus accepted the tissues though he looked at them as if they were foreign, unrecognizable objects for a good few seconds before actually using them. They were much more effective than his hands.

He was stalling, or trying to really process Morgana’s words, which somewhat difficult and slow considering the stress of the previous night and morning having strained him already. His mind was approaching a level of numbness, normally during those periods Regulus just shut down and didn’t say or do anything for hours. But that couldn’t happen just yet.

His dark eyes held hers for just a fraction of a second, he couldn’t look at her for more than that, it was easier to just stare at blank or empty space. She was right, he was number one on his list of people to hate and that spot wasn’t ever going to change. It was frustrating how much sense she was making, but then she didn’t start off by telling him how the way he chose to deal with his guilt by taking it out on himself was harming her, and he was more inclined to listen without that added guilt piled on him.

“I don’t know how to do that.” And wasn’t that the truth. All his life the concept of retribution was drilled home over and over, without swift and severe punishment Regulus was directionless.

(ooc: to be completed in the comments)