chimerawinds (chimerawinds) wrote in circle_round, @ 2008-04-09 18:38:00 |
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Current location: | the office |
Current mood: | contemplative |
Entry tags: | discussion #1 |
Discussion: What makes a marriage work?
That is a question whose answer is as individual as the people involved in the marriage and the circumstances. Major life changes can make a strain on even the strongest of marriages. Perhaps it is tougher for those with strong marriages because we not giving up easily? I don't know what that answer is.
I do know having a baby put a strain my marriage just like it does every marriage. Baby requires so much of each parent and we give without question. We used to first in each other's lives as husband and wife but when Baby makes 3, suddenly Baby is #1. While we don't question this, it is not unusal for one partner in the marriage to feel perhaps a little neglected. They don't wish to share this feeling or discuss it because they feel childish and perhaps selfish. Taking from the baby isn't the intention at all. One thing my husband said to me in a recent fight that was totally stress created was "you need to learn to how to divide your love between me and the baby. You love her and not me anymore.". He said he didn't mean to say that, but the fact is that he did. It just wasn't supposed to the way it sounded. By reading this you may think "how selfish!" Or "how childish"! Taking any love from Elora wasn't what he meant at all. Just maybe he is right.
I still tell him every day I love him. I still do the laundry for him, pick up after him, cook his meals as much as our busy lives allows me to, we share everything. I thought there was no change. Perhaps there was. I'm not sure. So I need to sit down and find out exactly what I used to do for him to make him feel loved that I no longer do. Just because I think I haven't neglected him doesn't make it untrue.
I know where I need to change. I don't deal with stress at all. I lash out at him when I'm stressed and when I don't have the answers or the ablity to make it all better. Af if it is his fault or something. Sometimes I take on so much responsiblity that he feels a little immasculated. I have a mother and grandmother who are anti-men, anti-marriage. They don't need a man and they don't need marriage. Women in general are much better off without this. If you must marry, then by all means marry for money. Make him take of you. You don't work. Better yet, keep a sugar daddy. That way you can kick them to the curb whenever you get pissed and there is no community property involved. While I find this way of life complete vile I have had this as a role model while growing up. In a fight, I'm the first one to say, I don't need you. I don't need a husband. I can take care of myself. I can be a single mother and we'll be just fine. It's a horrible thing to say to someone you love deep in your soul. I'm ashamed to admit that it is learned behavior I've picked up from my mother and grandmother. It's hateful. And wrong. I wish I knew how to get out of this mindset. I wish I didn't fall back on *that* in an argument. Truth is I would break down without Ryan. I would fall. I *do* need him because I love him. He has become a part of me. I can't imagine life without him. Can't imagine life without the 3 of us. We're a happy family. So, here it is....
I think making a marriage work is listening. Communicating. Even if it hurts. But not just any communication. Constructive communication. Being able to accept that maybe you are wrong or neither of you is necessarily wrong. Maybe sometimes it isn't about right or wrong. As a matter of fact it is usually deeper. </ljcut>
Earth, give us the stabilty we need as a foundation of faith and marriage.
Air, blow your cool breezes to give us clarity of vision.
Fire, may the passion and love grow within us. Let that flame never grow low.
Water, heal us and make us whole to one another.
Goddess, teach us that though love is not easy, it is what we are here for. We are a family unit. Strong together. We have no beginning and no ending.
Horned One, teach us honesty to one another. Let us be honest always but also teach us how to soften the blow. Teach us the value of "I'm sorry" and "let me listen".
We are circle, within a circle
With no beginning and never ending.....