HP fic: He Plays at Hazard, ch. 8: Not Time's Fool [Harry/Severus, adult]
Title: He Plays at Hazard chapter 8, Not Time's Fool Author: celandineb Fandom: HP Pairing: Harry/Severus Rating: adult Warnings: AU - compliant to HBP only. ~2400 words. Summary: After talking with Hermione and Ron, Harry's feelings towards Severus are unchanged. Note: Thanks to dementordelta, whom I finally got to meet in person (hurrah!), for the bunny! The title is from William Shakespeare's Sonnet CXVI, line 9, "Love's not Time's fool."
"I just don't understand," said Ron again. Harry had stopped counting how many times he had said it somewhere around the eighth. Even Hermione was beginning to look exasperated.
"It doesn't really matter, does it?" she burst out. "It's just a fact."
"Yes, but... Snape." Ron shuddered. "I mean, it's hard enough to think of you fancying blokes, Harry, I have to say, but this is just plain bizarre."
Harry shrugged and took a bite of ice cream. "I wish you could be happy for me, Ron."
"I am, mate, I am really," said Ron hastily. "It's just..." he shook his head. "Why?"
"Because..." Harry licked his lips. "Because he's almost the only person I don't have to pretend with, who can look at me and see just Harry and nothing more. Besides him, there's you two." He summoned a grin. "And don't say you'd rather have me fancying Hermione, Ron, because you know that's not true."
"Ginny," Ron began, but Hermione shook her head.
"You're right, Harry. There may not be anyone else."
"But you have loads of time ahead of you. You don't need to settle down with someone right away," said Ron.
Harry laughed at him. "Like you and Hermione aren't? You may not be getting married immediately, but that doesn't mean you're not serious about each other. Why shouldn't the two of you do the sort of looking at other options that you're suggesting I ought to?"
"That's different," Ron huffed.
"No, it isn't," said Harry.
"He is a lot older than you are, though," said Hermione, her eyes worried. "Doesn't that bother you at all? I mean, he's the same age as your parents were."
"I know that. But if he were younger, he'd be a different person; he wouldn't be Severus," Harry tried to explain, feeling hopelessly inept at putting what he sensed into words. "I think it's good for me that he's older, and good for him that I'm not. And before you get all worked up about it, Hermione, maybe I should say that it was my idea in the first place, and I persuaded him, not the other way around. Up until the final attack he never tried to take any advantage of me at all."
"I didn't think he would have," protested Hermione.
"I might've thought so," Ron muttered.
Hermione ignored him and continued, "I mean, I thought he was horrible to you as a teacher, but I never thought he did anything that he shouldn't."
"He didn't." Harry let the words fall softly. "I don't know what's going to happen, whether we'll stay together for a week or a year or the rest of our lives, any more than anyone does, but this is the right thing for me now, and I hope you can understand that."
"Of course, Harry, if you're sure," said Hermione, and Ron nodded in reluctant agreement.
Harry had finished eating, and so had the other two. Suddenly he was ready for a change of scene. He pushed back his chair and stood up. "Want to walk around Diagon Alley a while?" he suggested. He had told Severus only that he would be home for dinner, not specifying a time.
"Sure," said Ron.
They browsed through several of the shops. Harry picked up a tin of Owl Treats for Hedwig, and some broom polish. He also had seventeen people ask him for his autograph, interrupting his conversation with Ron and Hermione repeatedly. By the end of the afternoon he suspected that even Ron was beginning to get an idea of why Harry might be happier to be involved with someone who would never think of him as a hero that way.
Nevertheless, it was a relief to return to Grimmauld Place at the end of the afternoon.
"I presume that your conversation with Miss Granger and Mister Weasley went well?" Severus asked, looking up from the potions journal he was reading. Dark circles under his eyes made him look exhausted.
Harry took off his shoes and curled up at the opposite end of the sofa to the one where Severus was sitting, tucking his feet under him. "It went all right. Better for being the two of them at once; Hermione likes to be the voice of reason, in public at any rate."
The corner of Severus's mouth quirked up. "Yes, she does," he agreed. "From which I deduce that Mister Weasley was more difficult to persuade that I am not some cradle robber casting Confundus charms to snare you, all unwary."
Harry laughed. "He wasn't quite that bad. I think by the end he understood a little bit."
"Good." Severus carefully marked his page and put the journal aside. "I had a letter from Minerva today, incidentally."
"And?" Harry prompted.
Severus shrugged. "She wanted to know if my future plans might involve a return to Hogwarts."
"Severus," said Harry in exasperation. "Didn't she say anything about the fact that you and I are living together?"
"What could she say?" Severus gave the smallest of indifferent shrugs. "Every argument or reason she might set out as to why I should reconsider, she knows I will have already thought of for myself. And it is far too late to warn me of the perils and pitfalls." He shook his head. "Never mind about that. It's nearly dinnertime, unless you've spoiled your appetite eating sweets all afternoon."
"I wouldn't dare; Dobby would forgive me, but I don't know about Kreacher." He untucked his feet and stretched his legs out until his toes touched Severus's knee.
Severus patted him briefly, a mere brush against the ankle. "I think he might."
When Severus's fingers dropped away, Harry swallowed. "After dinner... can we talk?"
"We are talking now," Severus pointed out, "and we can continue to do so while we eat."
"I'd rather not be distracted." Harry felt the blood rush to his face. "I'm not, that is, it's about sex. No, it's not really. Um. Never mind," he ended, furious with himself.
Severus gave Harry a penetrating look, although Harry was fairly certain he wasn't using Legilimency. "Clearly you have something on your mind, so I suppose we had better discuss it in whatever way makes you comfortable to do so."
Dinner was a silent affair that night; the two house-elves – well, Dobby anyhow – spoke more than either Harry or Severus did. Harry was trying to decide how to put what he wanted to say, and Severus seemed willing to let him think quietly. It was not until afterward, back on the sofa, feeling the rough-slickness of the worn purple damask fabric against his palm that Harry gathered his courage and spoke.
"I promised that I would do whatever you wanted, Severus."
"Yes, you did." Severus's voice was unpromisingly uncompromising. "Are you saying you wish to rescind our agreement?"
"No." Harry took a deep breath. "But I want to know how you understand it. What I offered you."
"You said you would give me anything I demanded," Severus said, his voice rough. "I asked if you were certain that you wanted to do that, and you said yes, as long as I treated you as a person, and not a hero. I do not see how that is susceptible to much interpretation."
"What if, for instance, there was something you didn't like me doing – I don't know, cracking my knuckles a lot for instance – but you hadn't specifically asked me not to do it? Would that be breaking my word to you?"
Harry had been leaning against Severus, one of Severus's arms around him. Now Severus grasped Harry's shoulder and pushed him away, not ungently, but enough so that Harry would turn to look at him.
"What are you planning to do, Harry?"
"Nothing." Harry knew his shrug was too casual. "I was just wondering."
Severus's eyebrows drew together, but all he said was, "If you say so."
Harry wriggled his way back into Severus's embrace, resting his head against Severus's bony chest. He could smell the bitter herbal scent that he had learned to associate with Severus. "What is it that makes that smell?"
"What smell?"
"You. Not you, I don't know, it's something like plants." Harry nuzzled Severus on the neck. "It isn't shampoo or soap or anything like that, because I know you've been using the same stuff I have in the bath. You haven't been brewing potions, so it can't be that either."
"I keep sachets with my clothes." Severus sounded embarrassed. "To prevent moths and so forth. I didn't realize anyone could smell that."
"I like it, actually," said Harry. "It's kind of bitter, but it suits you." He tilted his head up to meet Severus's dark eyes, and smiled with as much impudence as he could muster. "You know I like bitter," he added, flicking a glance at Severus's crotch.
Severus rolled his eyes and humphed but seemed pleased, and Harry took advantage of that to crawl into Severus's lap completely and kiss him until they were both breathless and rocking together.
"Please," Harry whispered. "I need you. Now." He hadn't said "I love you" since the first time, when Severus had demanded to know if he meant it.
With only a tightening of his embrace as warning, Severus Apparated them directly to Harry's room, onto the bed, and rolled over to pin Harry beneath him, muttering another spell that whisked their clothing away and then repeating Harry's name over and over again as he took him, leaving Harry drowsy and spent afterward. When Severus left Harry alone to return to his own room, Harry did not protest as he had done on previous nights.
He had other plans.
Perhaps an hour after Severus had gone, Harry felt Dobby tap him on the shoulder.
"Harry Potter! Dobby is waking Harry as Harry Potter has asked him to do!"
"Thanks, Dobby." Harry gave an enormous yawn and sat up. "I'm awake, thanks. I'll see you at breakfast."
Dobby bowed and grinned and popped himself out of Harry's room again. Harry rubbed his eyes and stood, pulling on his pyjama bottoms. He slipped quietly down the hallway and paused outside Severus's room.
There was no light visible under the doorway, and when Harry put his ear to the door, he could hear soft snores. He turned the knob cautiously and went in.
Severus was curled up, except for one arm that was flung out out so that his hand poked out from under the sheet and dangled over the edge of the mattress. Harry went around to the other side and eased himself under the covers, slowly, slowly, taking care not to jostle the bed and wake Severus. He would have liked to nestle closer, but didn't dare, not yet. He closed his eyes and relaxed into sleep.
He wasn't sure how long it was before he woke again, with Severus thrashing and moaning and pulling the sheets off Harry in a sweaty tangle.
"Severus, sh, it's all right."
Harry forgot everything except wanting to help Severus wake up from his nightmare. He reached out to stroke Severus's shoulder, trying to soothe him, but when he did Severus seized his hand in a crushing grip and he saw Severus's eyes glitter in the dim moonlight that filtered through the curtains.
"What are you doing?" came Severus's voice, its usual rich timbre harsh, more like the Professor Snape who had taught Harry at Hogwarts than the Severus he had come to know more recently.
Thought he had come to know.
"I believed I had made it plain that I wish to sleep alone. Leave, Harry."
The words hung dead in the air.
"Severus – " Harry had gotten no farther when Severus cut him off.
"I should have known from what you said earlier that you would try some such foolishness as this." He spoke dryly, coldly, for a man but a few moments awakened from a nightmare. "I meant what I said. Leave me. Now, please."
"No," said Harry stubbornly. "I want to help you."
"Harry..." Severus's fingers were still clenched around Harry's wrist, so tightly Harry thought they might bruise him. "This is not something with which you can help. Leave me to deal with it in my own way."
"But it's not working," Harry argued. "I can tell you aren't sleeping, you're hardly eating, you look worse now than the day we faced Voldemort. Maybe if I stay with you it would make you, I don't know, rest easier..." He trailed off.
"Rest easier?" Severus said skeptically. "I rather doubt that. Thirty-odd years of disturbed slumber are not likely to be cast aside overnight because you share a bed with me."
"Can it hurt to try? Please, please let me stay." Harry knew that he was begging and he didn't care. He wanted to be with Severus, not sent back down the hall to his own room like a naughty child.
Severus pressed his eyes with the heel of the hand not grasping Harry's wrist. "You don't understand."
"Maybe I don't, but I can't, I never will if you don't explain. Severus, I just want to do whatever I can to make you not hurt so badly." Harry paused, pondering what he knew, both what Snape had told him and what he had observed over the past weeks. "You kept me from having to kill; if I'd killed Voldemort, I'd probably have nightmares worse than yours, reliving that moment. There's no way I can make that up to you, not really, but I want to try. Please let me, let me stay with you."
Severus sighed and was silent for so long that Harry almost opened his mouth to plead with him again, but he didn't, waiting instead.
"All right, Harry. Stay. For all the good it will do either of us." He let go of Harry's wrist and turned away, curling up in a stiff ball, his back presenting a resolute barrier.
Harry ignored that and pressed himself close. "Thank you." He stroked Severus's shoulder, all he could reach properly, until his eyelids started to droop. Then he let his arm drop softly over Severus's waist.
He had thought he wouldn't say it again until Severus did, but he whispered against Severus's spine, just before he nodded off, "I love you, Severus. Please let me love you."