Celandine's Chronicle (celandineb) wrote in cels_fic_haven, @ 2009-03-25 08:52:00 |
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Entry tags: | hp fic harry/severus, hp fic he plays at hazard |
HP fic: He Plays at Hazard, ch. 9: Shall Reason Prevail [Harry/Severus, adult]
Title: He Plays at Hazard
Chapter 9, Shall Reason Prevail
Author: celandineb
Fandom: HP
Pairing: Harry/Severus
Rating: adult
Length: 2903 words
Warnings: AU - compliant to HBP only. Also on the angsty side.
Summary: After Hermione helps them sort out Severus's books, Harry is dismayed by a suggestion his lover makes.
Note: The very-long-delayed next installment in this sequence. Nod to alisanne for helping prod me to finish the edits.
Although Severus now let Harry sleep in his bed -- sometimes, grudgingly -- he was unwilling to stay all night in Harry's, and he made it quite clear that he still would far prefer to sleep alone.
Moreover he took to watching Harry. Nothing obvious, but almost any time that Harry happened to glance at him, Severus was gazing back, with an expression that Harry found hard to decipher. They spent most of their time in each other's company; Severus had unshrunk all the things he had brought from Spinner's End, and Harry had offered to help him sort them out and find room on the shelves of the library at Grimmauld Place for all of Severus's books. Severus decided that they should reorganise the entire collection while they were at it. Harry thought ruefully that this activity was much more in Hermione's line than in his own, but when he suggested that Severus ask her if she'd like to help, Severus's response was a scowl and shake of the head.
"I am perfectly capable of putting books in order," he said tartly. "I do not require Miss Granger's help."
"It would go faster with three," Harry pointed out.
Severus raised his eyebrows. "Are you so terribly anxious to finish this?"
"Not especially." Under his breath, Harry added, "It just isn't very interesting."
Evidently Severus heard the comment, however, for he sighed and said, "Go ahead and owl Miss Granger, then, if you wish."
Harry wasn't sure why Severus was so reluctant to ask for Hermione's help, but since he had agreed to it, Harry sent a note off that evening, explaining that they were going through the Black family library, and would Hermione be interested in helping reorganise it?
She sent an immediate and enthusiastic reply and turned up the next day, looking eager. "Good morning, Harry. Thank you for this chance; when the Order was meeting here, Mrs Weasley never seemed to want to let me look over the books, I'm not sure why, so I'm really pleased to be able to now. Good morning, Professor Snape," she said to Severus, who had just entered the kitchen and was pouring himself a cup of tea.
"I'm no longer your professor," said Severus in a weary voice. "I suppose you might as well call me Severus, since Harry does."
Hermione's eyes went wide, but she said, " Yes, S-Severus." Harry could see her lips moving, as if practising the name silently to herself.
"Tea?" Harry offered.
After they had each finished a cup of tea, they adjourned to the library, where Severus explained what he was doing. Each bookcase had been tentatively assigned a broad subject area or two, and they were going through the shelves, carefully wiping each book clean and then moving it to a pile in front of the appropriate bookcase. Progress had been slow for two reasons; the sheer size of the collection, and the fact that both of them, but especially Severus, frequently stopped to page through the book he was cleaning or sorting and would become distracted for a quarter of an hour or more. Hermione, too, was susceptible to such distractions, but a third pair of hands would speed things up somewhat, and anyhow, half the reason that Harry had wanted to ask for her help was simply that he thought she would appreciate seeing what books were there.
The day passed quickly, with a pause for sandwiches about one o'clock, which Hermione fetched from a Muggle shop. She left that evening with a promise to come back early the following day.
Harry curled close to Severus on the sofa that night. Severus's body was stiff.
"Are you angry with me about something?" Harry asked. "You've been behaving oddly all day."
"Was I not perfectly polite to Miss Granger?"
"Yes, the four or five times you actually spoke to her."
Severus shrugged. "I had nothing much to say." But he still held himself rigid against Harry's embrace.
"Look, Severus." Harry sighed. "If it bothers you this much to have Hermione here, I'll ask her not to come back after tomorrow, but it's the sort of thing that interests her and I thought she would appreciate the chance to see all these books, maybe borrow a few if she wanted. If it's going to upset you, though, she doesn't need to come."
Severus sighed too. "No, it's all right." He picked up one of the books he had been leafing through earlier that day. "I would like to read now for a while."
Harry swallowed and moved away. "Fine." Nothing he had come across sounded appealing right now, but he could always look at today's Daily Prophet or the latest issue of Which Broomstick, he supposed.
The next day passed in a similar fashion, although Severus seemed to Harry to be making more of an effort to speak to Hermione from time to time, even addressing her by her Christian name once. Harry himself did all he could do and say to show Hermione that he was happy with Severus and comfortable around him, to the point of bowing his head and saying nothing when Severus snapped at him for knocking several books off a high shelf and causing the pages to crumple.
His efforts backfired, though, for when he and Hermione took a break to make tea in midafternoon, leaving Severus in the library, Hermione shook her head at him worriedly.
"What is it?" Harry asked as he shook a few ginger biscuits onto a plate, paused, and added a few more.
"You're not acting like your usual self, Harry. I don't mean that I think like Ron does that Snape enchanted you," she added hastily. "But you don't seem as if you can say what you feel around him. Are you sure that this is really what you want?"
"Yes," Harry said it quietly but firmly. He didn't feel like explaining to Hermione the precise nature of his offer to Severus; besides, Severus would release him from it if Harry asked, of that he had no doubt.
"But..." began Hermione, then stopped, looking closely at Harry. "All right. I suppose there's nothing I can do to persuade you to reconsider this, but if you ever do want to talk about it, I'd be happy to listen. I only want you to be happy, you know."
"I know. And I am happy, or at the least as happy as I think I can be just now, given everything that's happened in the past several years."
The kettle boiled and Hermione rinsed out the teapot quickly, then set the tea to brew while Harry took the milk out of the fridge and put that and the sugar bowl on a tray.
"One more day's work should do it, I think," said Severus with satisfaction after tea.
"I'll come back again tomorrow, then, if I may?" said Hermione.
"Of course," said Harry before Severus had a chance to speak.
The following afternoon when they had finally finished sorting and reshelving everything, Severus, with a sourly resigned expression, thanked Hermione for her help and told her that she was welcome to borrow anything she liked.
"Thank you very much. There are a few books I would appreciate having the chance to read," said Hermione. "I'll come back and find them another day; I told Ron I'd meet him at six, so I don't have time now." She hesitated, then held out her hand to Severus, who also hesitated before shaking it in a formal manner.
Then Hermione turned to Harry and kissed him on the cheek. "Send me an owl in the next week or two and we can go have lunch or tea or something."
Harry nodded. "Tell Ron hello and that I'll see him soon."
As Hermione left, Harry turned to speak to Severus, but he was no longer there. Puzzled, Harry went looking for him. Severus was not in the front hall, nor on his usual sofa, nor in the kitchen. Upstairs the door to the bathroom was open, the room empty. Harry stopped outside Severus's bedroom. He tapped at the door, which swung open a few inches to reveal Severus sitting on his bed, shoulders slumped, facing away from Harry.
"Severus? What's wrong?"
Severus shook his head but made no reply.
"Look, is this something to do with Hermione again? She won't be underfoot any more, now that we've finished organising everything," Harry pointed out.
Again Severus shook his head.
Harry didn't quite know what to do. Clearly Severus was not in the mood to talk, but something about his posture made Harry not want to leave him alone, so instead he perched on the edge of the bed and stroked Severus's lank dark hair. After a few moments he moved to sit crosslegged behind Severus and began rubbing his neck and shoulders. Severus relaxed only minutely under the caresses, but that was good enough for Harry to feel that it was worthwhile.
At last, with Harry's hands and wrists tiring from the unaccustomed effort, Severus spoke.
"Perhaps I should leave."
"What? No," said Harry, dismayed. "We've just brought all of your things here and settled them all nicely. Why would you want to leave?"
"It's no good. I'm too old for you, too damaged. I'm a murderer, Harry. Don't forget that. You deserve someone better than I am."
"No," repeated Harry vehemently. "That's rubbish, Severus. If you're talking about Voldemort, that wasn't murder, that was war -- and you did it so it I wouldn't have to. We've been over this before. You'd have my gratitude for that if for no other reason."
"Your gratitude isn't enough for this to last," said Severus softly. "It will become resentment soon enough. I would prefer not to reach that point."
Now Harry was angry. "It's not just gratitude, and you should know that. If you're damaged, well, don't you think I am, too, from all that I've seen and done over the past years? Don't assume that that you know everything about how I feel, even if you do understand me better than anyone else, even Hermione or Ron." He paused, swallowed, and said flatly, "I love you, and I thought that you felt something for me, too."
Severus's breathing was harsh. "Don't you see, that's why I should leave, before you convince yourself that I'm all that you deserve? You would be better off with someone like Miss Granger or Mr Weasley."
"Hermione and Ron are a couple, you know that, and anyway, they're only my friends; best friends, yes, but Severus, I don't feel about anyone else, not anyone, the way I feel about you. What do I have to do to convince you? If you used Legilimency to see that I'm not lying, would that reassure you?"
"I explained to you when I was trying to teach you Occlumency that to be a Legilimens is not to be a mind reader," said Severus.
"Yes, I remember, but I know that you can certainly tell if I'm lying." Harry bit his lip and added, "That was always one of Voldemort's strengths, after all, that with his skill at Legilimency he could ensure that his followers were obeying, because he would know if they didn't and lied about it."
"Harry..." Severus closed his eyes wearily, then reopened them. "I don't doubt that you're telling the truth about how you feel. It doesn't mean that following those feelings is the right thing for you to do."
"Well, what else is there?" Harry demanded. "Look. Being with you, it's the best thing for me, I'm absolutely sure of that. If I have nightmares about Voldemort, you understand. You're not going to try to fix me so I don't have them, the way that someone like Hermione or Ron or any of my other friends would. And I can do the same for you, if you'll let me. I can't promise that things will be perfect. We both know they won't always be. I can't promise that something won't happen someday in the future that changes everything, either. I was never that good at Divination."
Severus gave a soft snort, and Harry took hope from that sound of amusement.
"I'm scared too that things won't work out between us, but that doesn't mean I don't want to try. It's not fair to either of us not to give ourselves a chance." Then Harry went for what he hoped might be his trump card. "Don't you think that my mum would have wanted you to be happy, if you had a chance?"
"I rather doubt that Lily would have ever expected me to be trying to find happiness with her baby boy," said Severus in his driest voice.
"Bugger that." Harry began taking off his clothes, until he stood naked in front of Severus. "I'm Lily's son, but I'm no baby any more; I'm fully of age by both wizarding and Muggle law, and if you're who I want, and I'm who you want -- and you've certainly acted as if you want me -- then there is no reason for you to keep dwelling on the difference in our ages. That's really no more important than the colour of my eyes or what shoe size I wear when it comes right down to it. Don't you think that I've lived through enough that I might be ready to make decisions for myself about the rest of my life?"
There was a faint colour in Severus's sallow cheeks. He reached out and ran his hand over Harry's hip. "You've proven admirably that you're no infant, I'll agree to that."
"All right then." Harry stepped closer and put his hands on Severus's shoulders. "How about I prove it to you again, just to reassure you on that point?" He grinned at Severus, who gave a grudging smile in return.
"Persistent brat."
"That's right," agreed Harry, " but I'm your persistent brat, and I'm planning to be very persistent about this."
He unbuttoned Severus's robes first, then unlaced and pulled off his shoes, until Severus was as bare as he was. Then Harry gave him a long deliberate look, starting at his bony toes and progressing upward past his scrawny torso to his beaky nose. "Yes, that's what I want," he murmured.
Severus shook his head. "I wish there were some way to ask your mother if she dropped you on your head as an infant. You exhibit a woeful lack of taste."
"Are you objecting?" Harry pushed Severus back against the mattress and began to lick a trail down his body.
"I don't think I can," admitted Severus as Harry took his cock into his mouth and began to suck. Severus groaned. His hand drifted down to tangle in Harry's hair.
"Good," Harry pulled off long enough to say, before diving once again into the thatch at Severus's groin.
"Turn around, Harry." Severus tapped his shoulder.
"What? Oh," said Harry as he realised what Severus meant and shifted so that his own cock could be sucked in return.
It had been several days since they had had sex, and Harry was eager, although he found it quite distracting to have Severus's tongue working him over while Harry was trying to do the same. A distant part of his mind thought that it was a bit like being a Seeker, trying to stay on one's broom and catch the Snitch simultaneously. Well, Harry had always been up to that challenge, and he supposed he could manage this one... although he was rather glad he didn't have an audience for it.
Severus's tongue was warm and wet and loving as he lapped at Harry, but it was when he took Harry's cock deep into his throat and hummed that Harry came, retaining just enough control to let Severus's prick slip from his mouth lest he bite him accidentally. Panting with the aftershocks, Harry took up his self-appointed task once again, and soon had Severus grunting as his semen pulsed into Harry's waiting mouth.
Harry wanted to stay in Severus's bed that night, but Severus refused, saying that he would rest better alone.
Back in his own room, though, Harry found it difficult to fall asleep. He tossed and turned until the bedclothes were bunched into a giant ball and he had to get out of the bed, shivering on the cold floor, to smooth them out again. Their lovemaking that night aside, Severus's behaviour over the past few days puzzled him. It was almost as if Severus -- Harry frowned -- maybe not hoped that Harry would leave him, but expected it to happen. Which was of course ridiculous; Harry had both told Severus and showed him over and over that he had no intention of doing that. Yet it was the only explanation that seemed to fit, unless... unless it was that Severus planned to leave? Although if that were the case then why would he have agreed to move all of his things into Grimmauld Place?
Confused thoughts streamed through Harry's head, first one scenario and then another playing out in his mind, but he was unable to decide which was the most likely. It was not until he resolved to ask Severus flat out what was going on, if not tomorrow then soon, that he was able to slow his churning thoughts enough to relax into sleep.
chs. 1-3 / chs. 4-5 / ch. 6 / ch. 7 / ch. 8 / ch. 9 / ch. 10