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Lorcan Scamander (lorcanx) wrote in breaking_point,
@ 2009-11-19 10:29:00

Entry tags:

*complete, 2024 11, character: dylan vaisey, character: lorcan scamander

RP: Still Angry?
Who: Lorcan, Dylan
Where: Malfoy Manor
When: November 19, 2024
Rating/Warnings: ?
Summary: Lori finally summons the courage to see Dylan.

He wasn't allowed at St. Mungo's until Monday. Apparently, even Healer Trainees had limits, and his supervisors felt he'd hit his. He supposed that falling asleep during lunch and missing his afternoon rounds with Healer McKinnon was good evidence of that.

"You need a break," she'd told him, not angry or disappointed, just concerned. "There's such a thing as being too dedicated, Scamander. You're on forced vacation until Monday, and are to get some rest."

He'd tried to protest, but nearly falling over hadn't impressed her any. She'd merely stared at him until he'd nodded, defeated. He couldn't exactly tell her that since his boyfriend dumped him, all he had was the hospital. And that wasn't true anyway. He had Sandy, and his other friends, but it wasn't the same. He hadn't realized how much of his time he'd spent with Dylan, until he couldn't anymore. All that was left was to fill the time with work, to try and ignore the emptiness in him.

He didn't know what to do with himself with all this time off. He'd cleaned the flat he shared with Sandy, and then done the same at his parent's house. Not that anything was dirty, but he needed something to do because sleeping wasn't working. Without work to occupy his thoughts, all he could think about was Dylan, and how much he wanted to be with him. And how much Dylan hated him.

Of course, it had been more than a week since their fight. Maybe Dylan had forgiven him. He had no way of knowing, unless he went to visit. He argued the pros and cons with himself for a full day, and finally the pros won. He made sure that the circles under his eyes were glamored, and was glad that the robes hid the fact that he'd lost some weight in the past couple of weeks. Easy to do, when you worked all the time and forgot about lunch and dinner.

Once he was satisfied he looked as good as he could, he Apparated to the front gate of Malfoy Manor. He took his time walking up the drive, planning out what he was going to say, and repeating to himself that he couldn't just throw himself at Dylan and beg forgiveness. For one thing, Dylan was ill and who knew how much worse he was now than last week. And for another, he wasn't sorry he'd said something, just that he'd broken a promise.

Finally he reached the house and nervously asked the House Elf to lead him up to the fourth floor. It was quiet up there, but he still knew which room was Dylan's. He knocked quietly, and chewed his lip as he waited for the okay to come in.

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lorcanx
2009-11-19 04:34 pm UTC (link)

Lorcan didn't like how pale Dylan was, how thin he seemed in the bed. He wanted nothing more than to crawl in next to him and offer comfort, but he knew it wouldn't be accepted. He didn't hear the first part of what Dylan said, too concerned with checking him over, making sure he was still there.

"...leave me the fuck alone," Dylan said, not even looking up from his book.

For a long horrible moment, Lorcan thought he would start to cry right there, but he managed to hold it back. He'd told himself to expect this reaction, and he shouldn't be surprised. He bit his lip harder, almost drawing blood, but didn't leave.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, looking down at his feet. "I just...I thought we could talk?"

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bd_dylan_v
2009-11-19 05:04 pm UTC (link)

His nearly started when he heard Lori's voice, sounding so defeated and sad that he nearly said he was sorry. He caught himself, though, because he had no reason to apologise, even if Lori did look miserable, and thin, when he looked at him.

"I thought it was Cass," he said, laying the book and sitting up, forcing himself to keep his stomach in check as he did so. Though really, not talking was probably a good idea, because when Lori looked like that he wanted nothing more than to wrap his arms around him and kiss that pout away.

The very same bloody pout that had got him into this mess in the first place. "Come, sit, we'll talk," he said, reminding himself of all the reasons why they were a bad idea.

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lorcanx
2009-11-19 07:34 pm UTC (link)

"Oh. All right." He bit his lip again, refraining from scolding Dylan for talking to his father that way. It wasn't his place anymore, if it had ever been. And if this had been a week ago, he'd have thought nothing of settling on the bed with Dylan, kissing him hello. As it was, he paused a moment, before sitting in the chair near Dylan's bed.

It was awkward, and now that he was here he couldn't think of anything to say. Well, he could, but none of it would be welcome. Probably. He'd rehearsed over and over in his head something to say, but now that he was faced with Dylan, he couldn't remember any of it.

"How...how are you?" He was stuttering, nervous and guilty and scared of being tossed out, or saying the wrong thing. Again.

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bd_dylan_v
2009-11-19 07:53 pm UTC (link)

He knew it was over, he'd made his mind up the moment Lori had spoken up and he hadn't changed it. Nothing had changed. And yet when Lori settled in the chair rather than next to him on the bed like everyone else other than his father, he still felt a pang of something that he didn't like in his chest.

"I'm lying still on a bed without complaining and I haven't had sex," he said with a shrug. "In other words fairly crappy." He didn't know what else to say, and sighed.

"Is this where I ask how you are? Because I don't know how to do these kinds of talks," he said. "I don't even know what kind of talk this is. I didn't think I'd see you again." Which wasn't as ridiculous as it sounded. Yes as Jamie's best mate he would be around a lot of the events that Lori also attended, but he didn't expect to survive that long. Not any more. So yeah, he hadn't thought he'd see Lori again. He hadn't expected to see anyone who didn't normally visit him. He'd even started to reconcile with the idea that he'd die in this bed, in this room and that he'd not even get to go home again.

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lorcanx
2009-11-19 08:23 pm UTC (link)

He was glad that he wasn't looking directly at Dylan while they talked, hoping that it hid some of the hurt in his eyes. It was clear that Dylan didn't mean sex with him, which meant that he was thinking about sex with other people already, even if he was ill and probably not capable of much. The fact that Dylan was already thinking that way though, when Lorcan could only think how much he loved Dylan, and wanted things to go back to how they were, hurt so much.

"I'm fine," he replied, drawing his legs up so that his knees were tucked under his chin, and curling his arms around them. It made him feel smaller, protected, though there was no need of that from Dylan. "I just wanted to come by, see how you were doing." See you again, he said silently, willing the tears away. He could tell that Dylan didn't think he was going to survive this, and he didn't know if he could either.

"I can go, if you want." He looked at Dylan then, unable to hide everything he was feeling, but thankfully not crying.

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bd_dylan_v
2009-11-19 08:38 pm UTC (link)

Dylan sighed, because even before Lori looked at him he could see that he was far from fine. "You're not fine," he stated. "And you wanted something, to talk, so let's talk."

He looked at him, shaking his head at the question. "Lori, I'm dying," he said matter-of-fact though his voice was soft and explanatory. "If the don't speak to me now, you might not get another chance to. I can die the next time I lose my breath, or in a week or in three weeks or in a month. We don't know, but this is not the time to stall."

"I'm not kicking you out, or asking you to leave."

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lorcanx
2009-11-19 09:14 pm UTC (link)

"I've been working a lot. Not much else to do," he said finally. He knew that Dylan was right, he was going to have to say what he'd come here to say, no matter how painful it was.

"I'm sorry I broke my promise," he said finally, making sure to look at Dylan. "But I can't take it back, and wouldn't if I could. It might not have been the right thing, but it was necessary. And...and I really didn't think..." he trailed off, whatever he was going to say next lost.

"I just couldn't stand there and do nothing while you were hurting. I'm not sorry for that." He licked his suddenly dry lips, and whispered the next part. "I love you too much for that."

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bd_dylan_v
2009-11-19 09:25 pm UTC (link)

He'd expected the apology, somehow, and the justification and 'I'm not sorry' which meant the apology wasn't worth anything and said only what he already knew, that he couldn't trust Lori. But as he was going to retort, Lori said that he loved him and the answer stuck in his throat.

He looked down, then closed his eyes and shook his head before looking back up at Lori. "No, Lori, you don't. You don't know me well enough to love me," he said, and his voice was not angry, or cold, but just honest.

"If this showed us anything, it's that we don't know each other. If I'd known you I would never have trusted you with this, and if I hadn't trusted you I would never have been with you. And if you'd known me, truly known me, you'd have known better than to make a promise you'd break. You'd have known how difficult I find trusting people is, how huge it was for me to trust you with anything, let alone something like this."

"So no, Lori, you don't love me. You love what you thought I was, but it's not what I am. I'm the guy who tells my boyfriend he was a huge mistake, for no other reason than I know it will hurt. I'm not nice, I never has been."

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lorcanx
2009-11-20 12:06 am UTC (link)

"Don't...don't tell me what I feel," he said, more strongly than he felt. He hated when he felt like a child, and right now that's how Dylan was making him feel. "And everyone in the room already knew, except for Stephen, and I just...I just wanted to know what Jamie was thinking. What all of you were thinking. It's not like I went and told Uncle Harry." He was being defensive now, but this wasn't all his fault.

"And I do love you, Dylan. I don't know if I'm in love with you, but I love you. I care about, and I want you to be happy, and healthy and safe and it's killing me that you're not. And it feels like someone ripped out my heart when I think about you dying." He pressed his fingers against his eyes, willing the tears back.

"I know exactly who you are, Dylan. And I knew what I was doing when I said something, but I thought it needed to be said." He took a breath, and looked back at Dylan. "And you didn't say it just to be mean. You meant it, at least at that point in time."

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bd_dylan_v
2009-11-20 12:25 am UTC (link)

"And you didn't think Nott was going to tell Harry?" he asked, wondering if he really didn't think so. "And even more importantly, I hadn't had time to tell Jamie that I told you. He shouldn't have had to be ambushed like that."

He sighed, because none of that mattered and it was making his head spin and his stomach churn. "If you knew me, and you still said something, then it's far worse than if you didn't understand, because then you knew you hurt me more than this curse ever could," he said quietly. "And no, telling you, trusting you, thinking I could ever have a relationship, those where the mistakes. I know that now, and I knew that then though right then it was easier to just blame you. I don't fight fair, I hit low and hard, and I wanted you to hurt."

He sighed, leaning back. "Why did you come?" he then asked. "Because just discussing whether or not we know each other was probably not it. You wanted something out of this and I'd rather know what it is, it makes this easier, or we'll just end up hurting each other more and that seems painful and useless."

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lorcanx
2009-11-20 12:49 am UTC (link)

"No, actually. I didn't. I didn't think he cared enough, and he's your Healer. Confidentiality and all that," he said, and sighed. "I'll admit I wasn't thinking clearly Dylan. But I'd just seen one of my best friends fall from his broom and...he was nearly dead when I got to him, Dylan. You don't know how close he came to dying right there on the field, in front of anyone." He sat up straight and squared his shoulders, preparing himself for the aftermath of what he was going to say next.

"And after that do you really think I could sit on the knowledge that first chance he got he was going after Voldemort, bringing you with him. Because I know you say you wouldn't have gone, but can you honestly tell me you wouldn't have followed him if all else failed? Because I know you Dylan. You'd follow him even if it got you both killed."

He forced himself to calm down, Dylan didn't need the extra stimulation. "Well, you got what you wanted," he said, sadly. "And you can trust me, Dylan. You can trust me to do whatever it takes to make sure you're safe, or as safe as you can be with this curse." He didn't let himself waver, didn't let himself break down and beg forgiveness.

"I wanted to see you. I miss you, all the time. And...and I hope you miss me too?"

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bd_dylan_v
2009-11-20 01:26 am UTC (link)

Dylan didn't say anything until Lori had finished speaking, not wanting to speak until he knew all that Lori wanted to say.

"Of course I would have gone with him," he said, because there was no chance in hell that he wouldn't have. "But the difference now is that he might still go, but he'll be damned to tell me if he does and then he'll be completely without back up. I could have talked him out of it, now he won't even let me bring up the subject."

He sighed. "I do miss you, but that doesn't change anything. You say that I can trust you, but I don't, and I won't in the future. Besides saying that I can trust you to keep me safe is the same as saying that you'll betray my trust again the next time it's really important." He shook his head.

"You want me to not be angry? I'm not. I get why you did what you did, I just won't ever get over you doing it. We - us - that's dead."

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lorcanx
2009-11-20 03:21 am UTC (link)

There was a lot he could have said to that, starting with how stupid it was, and how Jamie wasn't Dylan's responsibility, but all it would do was cause a fight. And he didn't want that, not now. Especially when it could end up hurting Dylan even more.

"No second chances." It wasn't a question, but he thought it was sad, and he wished that Dylan had had a different experience. He wished he'd never broken Dylan's trust, but it was too late to change anything. And he'd already said he wouldn't, if he could.

"You don't even want to try?" He couldn't help the slight trembling of his voice now, but to hear Dylan say that what they had was dead was the hardest thing he'd ever had to hear. If he'd thought his heart was broken before, it was nothing compared to now.

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bd_dylan_v
2009-11-20 03:38 am UTC (link)

He hated seeing Lori this upset, and a part of him wanted to ask him to sit in bed, to lie in bed even and he still wanted to wrap his arms around him and kiss him.

"It has nothing to do with wanting," he said. "I can't. Not when I don't trust you." He sighed, running a hand through his hair. "If there was more, if I felt I knew you... I told you something important once, and you betrayed me, and after James asked me if I really thought you would keep your mouth shut." He shook his head. "I can't. And if anything I know now that I can't have a relationship. This, the after... no not again."

"You'll do best to forget me, find someone more like you, someone nicer than me."

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