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Lorcan Scamander ([info]lorcanx) wrote in [info]breaking_point,
@ 2009-11-19 10:29:00

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Entry tags:*complete, 2024 11, character: dylan vaisey, character: lorcan scamander

RP: Still Angry?
Who: Lorcan, Dylan
Where: Malfoy Manor
When: November 19, 2024
Rating/Warnings: ?
Summary: Lori finally summons the courage to see Dylan.


He wasn't allowed at St. Mungo's until Monday. Apparently, even Healer Trainees had limits, and his supervisors felt he'd hit his. He supposed that falling asleep during lunch and missing his afternoon rounds with Healer McKinnon was good evidence of that.

"You need a break," she'd told him, not angry or disappointed, just concerned. "There's such a thing as being too dedicated, Scamander. You're on forced vacation until Monday, and are to get some rest."

He'd tried to protest, but nearly falling over hadn't impressed her any. She'd merely stared at him until he'd nodded, defeated. He couldn't exactly tell her that since his boyfriend dumped him, all he had was the hospital. And that wasn't true anyway. He had Sandy, and his other friends, but it wasn't the same. He hadn't realized how much of his time he'd spent with Dylan, until he couldn't anymore. All that was left was to fill the time with work, to try and ignore the emptiness in him.

He didn't know what to do with himself with all this time off. He'd cleaned the flat he shared with Sandy, and then done the same at his parent's house. Not that anything was dirty, but he needed something to do because sleeping wasn't working. Without work to occupy his thoughts, all he could think about was Dylan, and how much he wanted to be with him. And how much Dylan hated him.

Of course, it had been more than a week since their fight. Maybe Dylan had forgiven him. He had no way of knowing, unless he went to visit. He argued the pros and cons with himself for a full day, and finally the pros won. He made sure that the circles under his eyes were glamored, and was glad that the robes hid the fact that he'd lost some weight in the past couple of weeks. Easy to do, when you worked all the time and forgot about lunch and dinner.

Once he was satisfied he looked as good as he could, he Apparated to the front gate of Malfoy Manor. He took his time walking up the drive, planning out what he was going to say, and repeating to himself that he couldn't just throw himself at Dylan and beg forgiveness. For one thing, Dylan was ill and who knew how much worse he was now than last week. And for another, he wasn't sorry he'd said something, just that he'd broken a promise.

Finally he reached the house and nervously asked the House Elf to lead him up to the fourth floor. It was quiet up there, but he still knew which room was Dylan's. He knocked quietly, and chewed his lip as he waited for the okay to come in.


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[info]bd_dylan_v
2009-11-19 04:07 pm UTC (link)
Dylan wasn't having a good day. He'd already thrown up twice and his stomach was still rolling enough that he knew better than to try eating anything. Which meant he hadn't had anything to eat since yesterday but the potion she needed to take.

He was lounging on the bed reading, the door to the bathroom slightly open if he needed to make a run for it, and when he heard the knock he was fairly certain it was Cass. James wouldn't knock, Craig would but then enter, Sirius was too lazy to leave his room or he was with Jamie, which was fine too. He kind of got that part, even if it made him bored.

"Come in," he shouted, not looking away from the book. "I thought you would have learnt not to knock by now," he said. "Wasn't there something about me needing a father and not allowing me to tell you to leave me the fuck alone?" He turned the page, not looking up. If he did Cass might actually see that he was a tiny bit grateful that he was there as much as he was. Just a little bit. That he didn't like to admit to, because he refused to rely on Cass for anything.

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[info]lorcanx
2009-11-19 04:34 pm UTC (link)
Lorcan didn't like how pale Dylan was, how thin he seemed in the bed. He wanted nothing more than to crawl in next to him and offer comfort, but he knew it wouldn't be accepted. He didn't hear the first part of what Dylan said, too concerned with checking him over, making sure he was still there.

"...leave me the fuck alone," Dylan said, not even looking up from his book.

For a long horrible moment, Lorcan thought he would start to cry right there, but he managed to hold it back. He'd told himself to expect this reaction, and he shouldn't be surprised. He bit his lip harder, almost drawing blood, but didn't leave.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, looking down at his feet. "I just...I thought we could talk?"

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[info]bd_dylan_v
2009-11-19 05:04 pm UTC (link)
His nearly started when he heard Lori's voice, sounding so defeated and sad that he nearly said he was sorry. He caught himself, though, because he had no reason to apologise, even if Lori did look miserable, and thin, when he looked at him.

"I thought it was Cass," he said, laying the book and sitting up, forcing himself to keep his stomach in check as he did so. Though really, not talking was probably a good idea, because when Lori looked like that he wanted nothing more than to wrap his arms around him and kiss that pout away.

The very same bloody pout that had got him into this mess in the first place. "Come, sit, we'll talk," he said, reminding himself of all the reasons why they were a bad idea.

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[info]lorcanx
2009-11-19 07:34 pm UTC (link)
"Oh. All right." He bit his lip again, refraining from scolding Dylan for talking to his father that way. It wasn't his place anymore, if it had ever been. And if this had been a week ago, he'd have thought nothing of settling on the bed with Dylan, kissing him hello. As it was, he paused a moment, before sitting in the chair near Dylan's bed.

It was awkward, and now that he was here he couldn't think of anything to say. Well, he could, but none of it would be welcome. Probably. He'd rehearsed over and over in his head something to say, but now that he was faced with Dylan, he couldn't remember any of it.

"How...how are you?" He was stuttering, nervous and guilty and scared of being tossed out, or saying the wrong thing. Again.

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[info]bd_dylan_v
2009-11-19 07:53 pm UTC (link)
He knew it was over, he'd made his mind up the moment Lori had spoken up and he hadn't changed it. Nothing had changed. And yet when Lori settled in the chair rather than next to him on the bed like everyone else other than his father, he still felt a pang of something that he didn't like in his chest.

"I'm lying still on a bed without complaining and I haven't had sex," he said with a shrug. "In other words fairly crappy." He didn't know what else to say, and sighed.

"Is this where I ask how you are? Because I don't know how to do these kinds of talks," he said. "I don't even know what kind of talk this is. I didn't think I'd see you again." Which wasn't as ridiculous as it sounded. Yes as Jamie's best mate he would be around a lot of the events that Lori also attended, but he didn't expect to survive that long. Not any more. So yeah, he hadn't thought he'd see Lori again. He hadn't expected to see anyone who didn't normally visit him. He'd even started to reconcile with the idea that he'd die in this bed, in this room and that he'd not even get to go home again.

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[info]lorcanx
2009-11-19 08:23 pm UTC (link)
He was glad that he wasn't looking directly at Dylan while they talked, hoping that it hid some of the hurt in his eyes. It was clear that Dylan didn't mean sex with him, which meant that he was thinking about sex with other people already, even if he was ill and probably not capable of much. The fact that Dylan was already thinking that way though, when Lorcan could only think how much he loved Dylan, and wanted things to go back to how they were, hurt so much.

"I'm fine," he replied, drawing his legs up so that his knees were tucked under his chin, and curling his arms around them. It made him feel smaller, protected, though there was no need of that from Dylan. "I just wanted to come by, see how you were doing." See you again, he said silently, willing the tears away. He could tell that Dylan didn't think he was going to survive this, and he didn't know if he could either.

"I can go, if you want." He looked at Dylan then, unable to hide everything he was feeling, but thankfully not crying.

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[info]bd_dylan_v
2009-11-19 08:38 pm UTC (link)
Dylan sighed, because even before Lori looked at him he could see that he was far from fine. "You're not fine," he stated. "And you wanted something, to talk, so let's talk."

He looked at him, shaking his head at the question. "Lori, I'm dying," he said matter-of-fact though his voice was soft and explanatory. "If the don't speak to me now, you might not get another chance to. I can die the next time I lose my breath, or in a week or in three weeks or in a month. We don't know, but this is not the time to stall."

"I'm not kicking you out, or asking you to leave."

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[info]lorcanx
2009-11-19 09:14 pm UTC (link)
"I've been working a lot. Not much else to do," he said finally. He knew that Dylan was right, he was going to have to say what he'd come here to say, no matter how painful it was.

"I'm sorry I broke my promise," he said finally, making sure to look at Dylan. "But I can't take it back, and wouldn't if I could. It might not have been the right thing, but it was necessary. And...and I really didn't think..." he trailed off, whatever he was going to say next lost.

"I just couldn't stand there and do nothing while you were hurting. I'm not sorry for that." He licked his suddenly dry lips, and whispered the next part. "I love you too much for that."

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[info]bd_dylan_v
2009-11-19 09:25 pm UTC (link)
He'd expected the apology, somehow, and the justification and 'I'm not sorry' which meant the apology wasn't worth anything and said only what he already knew, that he couldn't trust Lori. But as he was going to retort, Lori said that he loved him and the answer stuck in his throat.

He looked down, then closed his eyes and shook his head before looking back up at Lori. "No, Lori, you don't. You don't know me well enough to love me," he said, and his voice was not angry, or cold, but just honest.

"If this showed us anything, it's that we don't know each other. If I'd known you I would never have trusted you with this, and if I hadn't trusted you I would never have been with you. And if you'd known me, truly known me, you'd have known better than to make a promise you'd break. You'd have known how difficult I find trusting people is, how huge it was for me to trust you with anything, let alone something like this."

"So no, Lori, you don't love me. You love what you thought I was, but it's not what I am. I'm the guy who tells my boyfriend he was a huge mistake, for no other reason than I know it will hurt. I'm not nice, I never has been."

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[info]lorcanx
2009-11-20 12:06 am UTC (link)
"Don't...don't tell me what I feel," he said, more strongly than he felt. He hated when he felt like a child, and right now that's how Dylan was making him feel. "And everyone in the room already knew, except for Stephen, and I just...I just wanted to know what Jamie was thinking. What all of you were thinking. It's not like I went and told Uncle Harry." He was being defensive now, but this wasn't all his fault.

"And I do love you, Dylan. I don't know if I'm in love with you, but I love you. I care about, and I want you to be happy, and healthy and safe and it's killing me that you're not. And it feels like someone ripped out my heart when I think about you dying." He pressed his fingers against his eyes, willing the tears back.

"I know exactly who you are, Dylan. And I knew what I was doing when I said something, but I thought it needed to be said." He took a breath, and looked back at Dylan. "And you didn't say it just to be mean. You meant it, at least at that point in time."

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[info]bd_dylan_v
2009-11-20 12:25 am UTC (link)
"And you didn't think Nott was going to tell Harry?" he asked, wondering if he really didn't think so. "And even more importantly, I hadn't had time to tell Jamie that I told you. He shouldn't have had to be ambushed like that."

He sighed, because none of that mattered and it was making his head spin and his stomach churn. "If you knew me, and you still said something, then it's far worse than if you didn't understand, because then you knew you hurt me more than this curse ever could," he said quietly. "And no, telling you, trusting you, thinking I could ever have a relationship, those where the mistakes. I know that now, and I knew that then though right then it was easier to just blame you. I don't fight fair, I hit low and hard, and I wanted you to hurt."

He sighed, leaning back. "Why did you come?" he then asked. "Because just discussing whether or not we know each other was probably not it. You wanted something out of this and I'd rather know what it is, it makes this easier, or we'll just end up hurting each other more and that seems painful and useless."

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[info]lorcanx
2009-11-20 12:49 am UTC (link)
"No, actually. I didn't. I didn't think he cared enough, and he's your Healer. Confidentiality and all that," he said, and sighed. "I'll admit I wasn't thinking clearly Dylan. But I'd just seen one of my best friends fall from his broom and...he was nearly dead when I got to him, Dylan. You don't know how close he came to dying right there on the field, in front of anyone." He sat up straight and squared his shoulders, preparing himself for the aftermath of what he was going to say next.

"And after that do you really think I could sit on the knowledge that first chance he got he was going after Voldemort, bringing you with him. Because I know you say you wouldn't have gone, but can you honestly tell me you wouldn't have followed him if all else failed? Because I know you Dylan. You'd follow him even if it got you both killed."

He forced himself to calm down, Dylan didn't need the extra stimulation. "Well, you got what you wanted," he said, sadly. "And you can trust me, Dylan. You can trust me to do whatever it takes to make sure you're safe, or as safe as you can be with this curse." He didn't let himself waver, didn't let himself break down and beg forgiveness.

"I wanted to see you. I miss you, all the time. And...and I hope you miss me too?"

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[info]bd_dylan_v
2009-11-20 01:26 am UTC (link)
Dylan didn't say anything until Lori had finished speaking, not wanting to speak until he knew all that Lori wanted to say.

"Of course I would have gone with him," he said, because there was no chance in hell that he wouldn't have. "But the difference now is that he might still go, but he'll be damned to tell me if he does and then he'll be completely without back up. I could have talked him out of it, now he won't even let me bring up the subject."

He sighed. "I do miss you, but that doesn't change anything. You say that I can trust you, but I don't, and I won't in the future. Besides saying that I can trust you to keep me safe is the same as saying that you'll betray my trust again the next time it's really important." He shook his head.

"You want me to not be angry? I'm not. I get why you did what you did, I just won't ever get over you doing it. We - us - that's dead."

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[info]lorcanx
2009-11-20 03:21 am UTC (link)
There was a lot he could have said to that, starting with how stupid it was, and how Jamie wasn't Dylan's responsibility, but all it would do was cause a fight. And he didn't want that, not now. Especially when it could end up hurting Dylan even more.

"No second chances." It wasn't a question, but he thought it was sad, and he wished that Dylan had had a different experience. He wished he'd never broken Dylan's trust, but it was too late to change anything. And he'd already said he wouldn't, if he could.

"You don't even want to try?" He couldn't help the slight trembling of his voice now, but to hear Dylan say that what they had was dead was the hardest thing he'd ever had to hear. If he'd thought his heart was broken before, it was nothing compared to now.

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[info]bd_dylan_v
2009-11-20 03:38 am UTC (link)
He hated seeing Lori this upset, and a part of him wanted to ask him to sit in bed, to lie in bed even and he still wanted to wrap his arms around him and kiss him.

"It has nothing to do with wanting," he said. "I can't. Not when I don't trust you." He sighed, running a hand through his hair. "If there was more, if I felt I knew you... I told you something important once, and you betrayed me, and after James asked me if I really thought you would keep your mouth shut." He shook his head. "I can't. And if anything I know now that I can't have a relationship. This, the after... no not again."

"You'll do best to forget me, find someone more like you, someone nicer than me."

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[info]lorcanx
2009-11-20 02:33 pm UTC (link)
"People in relationships make mistakes. They fight, and hurt each other, but they make up. They try," he said quietly. "They don't just give up, unless it never meant anything to begin with." He didn't want to believe that, but what else could he think, if Dylan was willing to give up after their first fight. Even if it had been a huge one.

It hurt, to think that Jamie had said that bout him. Like he was some little kid who couldn't be trusted with a secret. Of course, he'd proved that he couldn't be, but it had been one of those secrets that would do more harm to keep than to not. Hadn't it?

"I don't want to forget you, and I don't want someone more like me. That...that's not what I want. You're what I want, flaws and all." He bit his lip uncertainly. "Are you saying that you don't even want to try? For whatever time you have left, you don't want to try?" Not that he believed for a minute that Dylan was going to die, they would find a cure he knew they would, but Dylan was certain they wouldn't, and he didn't want to fight about it.

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[info]bd_dylan_v
2009-11-20 02:52 pm UTC (link)
He sighed. "Come," he said, patting the bed next to him and waiting until Lori had moved and settled there. "I get what you're saying, and if this wasn't the first time I'd trusted you with something important then maybe that could have worked," Dylan said honestly. "I'm not unreasonable, and if I thought this was an exception, something that would never happen again - then things might be different. But the thing is, I don't believe that. I believe you'd do it all over again, because that's who you are and I can't live with that, not even for a few weeks."

He looked at Lori, wondering what was the wiser move. He could try to explain until he threw up (literary) or he could just say no or he could hurt Lori so deeply that he'd never want to see him again. Make him want to forget him. It wouldn't even be hard. Why would I want to spend the time I have left with someone I don't trust? or I can manage perfectly well to be celibate without you being my boyfriend or a million other things that would be below the belt and send Lori running. But the thing was, he didn't want to hurt Lori more than necessary.

"You deserve someone who can trust, Lori, someone who would forgive you. Or not even forgive, because I can, I just can't forget. So no, I don't want to try, because I know myself, and it wouldn't work"

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[info]lorcanx
2009-11-20 03:51 pm UTC (link)
Lorcan paused a moment, before joining Dylan on the bed, settling close. He felt almost relaxed for the first time in a week, and little tendrils of hope were rising in his chest. Maybe they weren't done yet, maybe Dylan would give him another chance. He sighed, and only barely resisted resting his head on Dylan's shoulder and closing his eyes. He breathed in Dylan's scent, and his hand crept out of its own accord to take Dylan's.

But then he froze, what Dylan was saying catching up with him, causing his stomach to twist horribly. What Dylan was saying was true, but he didn't understand why they couldn't work to put it behind them. He wondered if it would be different if Dylan wasn't sick, but somehow he didn't think so. What Dylan was saying was that he didn't like who Lorcan was, didn't think he was worth trying again.

"I have to go," he said, willing back the tears again. He scrambled off the bed and gave Dylan a small smile. "You're going to get through this. And I hope when you do you'll find someone who can make you happy." He was completely honest, he just wanted Dylan to be happy. "Even if it's not me."

He leaned down and brushed his lips over Dylan's quickly, one last kiss, and before he could change his mind and get down on his knees and beg for a second chance, he hurried from the room.

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[info]bd_dylan_v
2009-11-20 05:16 pm UTC (link)
Dylan probably shouldn't let Lori touch his hand like that, but he couldn't help it, he enjoyed the touch. And then Lori got up, and maybe it was for the best because he never did have much self restraint and while he knew for certain that he didn't want to go back into a relationship with someone he didn't trust, being with Lori made him want to kiss him and hold him and promise him things that he knew to be lies.

He didn't even argue when Lori said he'd make it through, and when Lori leaned down to brush his lips against his the only thing stopping him from pulling him down for a proper snog was the knowledge of what it would lead to. Instead he remained almost impassive, closing his eyes for only a moment before Lori was out of the door. Sighing he sank back into the pillows, suddenly even more tired than he'd been before. How was that even possible?

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