Severus Snape is tired of the lies. (fortiscadere) wrote in blurred_lines, @ 2008-11-07 22:00:00 |
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It was a beginning, and it had continued to be painfully tiny steps back to earning her trust, but Severus Snape supposed he could be patient. It didn't occur to him to stop and think about why he might be so patient where Agnes was concerned. There was no rational reason behind how much he had told her or how much he wanted her to think he was all right and someone that it was worth her time to associate with. No, there was nothing rational about him warding her to meet him in Muggle London. Severus supposed that he might be more inclined to be emotional than he truly would like to admit to being. As the clock moved closer to the time he'd said they could meet, he got up, changed his clothes from the robes he had been wearing at theLestrange Library, to a jumper that was just a bit too large for his frame and hung more loosely around his shoulders than it probably should have, and a pair of trousers. He pushed his hair back from his face, giving it a brush through before he reached for a scarf to wrap around his neck and turned to leave Spinner's End toApparate to London. He Apparated in the tiniest of streets not far from where St. James Park was, and he began the short distance walk over towards the park, his eyes open for Agnes the entire time. He hoped she'd be more open this time around; maybe just a bit more open, at least. He could keep his fingers crossed, and - a little like when he had been five years old and one of the kids down the street had told him that keeping your fingers crossed after making a wish made your wish come true - he did cross them. Unlike as a child, though, they uncrossed equally quickly. Not seeing her, he stepped towards a small bench and sat down on it, waiting. Getting into Muggle London was usually an easy affair. Agnes didn't have the skill or patience to try and apparate closer to where they were to meet, so she started off a little to Diagon Alley and headed out toward the park from there. Twenty minutes later, she came into view, bundled up in long, patchwork dress, heavy overcoat she'd borrowed from someone, and a fluffy hat that seemed to big for her head and kept drooping down over her ears. In her fingers was something that looked like a cigarette but was, given the context, probably not, and as she approached, she gave a bit of a wave. Upon closer inspection, she smelled rather like she usually smelled, a bewildering combination of incense and drugs and wilderness, and had the samesquirrelly sort of charm - albeit a little wary, given her idle suspicions about Severus that hadn't yet died away. Severus stood up as she walked closer and gave her what almost a relieved grin, and definitely an authentic one. It was odd for him to smile - much, but when he did the smile reached his eyes, so that they were not quite so cold as they might otherwise have appeared. "Hey Agnes," he said in greeting as he took her in. She was so bundled up he couldn't tell if she'd been eating or not. He hoped that she had been, even though he knew that her living situation might not lend itself well to regular cooked meals. He didn't reach out to her like he really wanted to, she'd have to make that move, he supposed. And considering things between them, it was fair that she was uneasy. "So, the pigeons over there have been fighting over something," his smile turned into a vague smirk. "It's sort of like watching a playground, only with feathers and beaks, and it made me a little thankful that you were not serious with your pregnancy statement. You want to walk around a bit? There's a cafe down that way-" he pointed vaguely in a northern direction - "And we could get tea and something maybe to eat later. If you want..." He quieted and looked at her, feeling suddenly just a touch awkward. "Thanks for coming, anyway. So, you get to say whether you want to walk, or go get food, or frankly skinny dip in the lake over there, although," he smirked. "It might be cold, and we might get in trouble with theMuggle police, so I don't recommend that, really." Falling into step beside him, she considered the pigeons as they strutted on the ground, knocking each other about over some crumbs. There was a certain sort of nostalgia there, a reminiscence of her childhood, of Hogwarts, of times when things were similar and she didn't think she was going to die every time she walked out the front door - or flap of her tent. She was thankful about the pregnancy thing, too, but in a vaguer way - people had to be insane getting pregnant during war, when anyone could die at any minute and leave their babiesparentless. "I ain't too worried about the coppers, but it is a bit nippy, yeah." She looked at him, a little sidelong, but didn't take his arm. She wasn't quite ready for that yet - especially considering he'd never changed his answer to the question she'd asked him over a month ago, and she didn't fancy getting cosy with a would-be murderer. Still. That logic wobbled a bit when she admitted she'd been willing to come here and willing to have a cup of tea. Oh well. "Tea and a roll sounds lovely so long as you ain't tryin' to buy me off." "I'm not," he said honestly, turning to give her a half smile. "I just, thought it might be nice to do something different for a change," he repressed the urge to sigh, mostly, although the tiniest of them escaped. "I know you're not ready for anything, and I'm trying to be fine with that," I deserve it, he added silently to himself, but kept the thought to himself, because to say it aloud felt manipulative, as if in the very voicing of it, she would either be forced to deny that he deserved it - something he was certain she did not feel - or would agree with it - which he really did not want to hear from her, even though she had been quite clear. "And you lot got things figured out, so I thought you might be in a better mood for a bit." He started walking down the sidewalk, motioning with her head that she follow him. "Besides," he gave her a wry look. "You can't be bought off, can you Agnes? You're too good for that." "Spose so," she replied with a bit of a smile, though it faded a little at his next sentiment. "Keep tryin', because considerin' you ain't even promised never to kill anybody again, this is a bloody liberty." Her tone dipped lower, a dangerous sort of calm with Agnes, and her cheeks reddened as she shoved a hand up to push her hat out of her eyes. "I'mtryin ' to give you a second chance, but don't push me." It was the typical sort of patent bluntness she subscribed to, because though she cared a great deal for other peoples' feelings, she couldn't bear dishonesty and worse couldn't bear pandering to decisions she thought were blatantly wrong. So Severus had to bear the brunt of her disapproval, unfortunately, whether he deserved it or not. But she didn't storm off or even pull away from him, simply kept alongside him, which required a bit quicker of a step than she was used to, given their height differences. "Try to be good," she replied shrugging. "Don't always work but most times is better than none at all, I guess." But. "But I is in a better mood. Relieved.Fuckin' trial is over and death eaters in prison. Step in the right direction." "Yeah," he nodded, deciding to mostly ignore her earlier sentiment, and continue on. "It is, I-" he hesitated. A week later, a conversation with Pepper later, and all other things considered, he was not certain he even should voice his concerns. In the end did it matter? Everyone was already entrenched so deeply on one side of the fence or another that the end result likely would have been the same regardless of whether the individuals were guilty one hundred percent, or innocent. All of them were, he supposed, guilty by association, in the end. "I'm glad of that, although I'm not convinced yet that the Ministry aren't fucking morons," he stuck his hands in his pockets to keep them a bit warmer. "I can't imagine what they were thinking lettingLestrange go," the worry was more evident in his voice than he would have liked for it to have been and he clamped his lips together. Lily was in danger because of that and whileRodolphus Lestrange might have been a bigger fish than Marius, Severus was frankly worried about the fish likely to harm Lily, more than the size of the fish. "But I guess, in the end one of them went. You can't relax though," he sighed this time, raising a hand to push hair back from his face again. "In case the ink splotches and haughtywithdrawl of funds were not clear enough, they're a bit angry right now." "And that's not really why I asked you out here. I mean, if we want to talk war, we can do that over the journals, really. I was kind of hoping to avoid that talk for the time being. How's your crazy cat?" Agnes let a gesture of indifference slide over her shoulders. She couldn't be assed to have even a mote of sympathy for those splotching everywhere - served them right; maybe they'd understand what it was like for the rest of them who had to deal with people dying for no reason all year long. Maybe they should have been grateful it was just Azkaban and not eternity. But he was right and she really didn't want to sit and talk about the trial, as ecstatic as it made her, or Marius fuckheadLestrange , as enraged as he made her. "We'll be fine," she assured him dismissively. "Ain't no one can find us or theywoulda done it already." They moved along down the narrow paths, and occasionally Agnes pushed her foot out to kick the dew from the strands of grass that struggled against the edges of pavement. "He's good, I guess. Sometimes I let him go in the woods and he bumps into trees, God love 'im." She perked up talking about Julius... Julien. She couldn't remember what his name was half the time. "Think I got him stoned by accident last week, lucky bugger." Severus gave a brief chuckle, once again sliding his hand into his pocket. He hoped that the Death Eaters couldn't find her, but he kept himself sane by thinking that a tent in the middle of nowhere, with no particular address, was a heck of a lot harder to find than a house that could not move. "Usually it seems like you're getting people stoned on purpose," he smirked. "So with cats it's by accident then?" He glanced up to see a group of uniformed school children walking in douple lines holding hands, no doubt on a field trip of some variety or another, and he thought maybe it would have been nice to just slide into theMuggle world, but the thought was brief and fleeting really. After all, it was impossible for him to leave, and for Severus, he would not have been any safer anywhere else. "I can tell you, Agnes," he said, suddenly more serious. "That I don't want to kill anyone. That, if given the option at all, I'd find a way to not," he frowned, seeming to struggle with what to say next. How could he even begin to explain to her the things that he had been required to do? The things he might be required to do in the near future? "I'm not certain that's enough for you, and I'm not certain it should be enough for you. Hell, I was trying to find anyway to not only not kill you, but not cause you any permanent harm and I failed so completely that I'm somewhat amazed you're even here right now and I'm kind of hoping you don't just run off because of it. But I think it's as honest as I can be, and I do feel like you deserve me being as honest with you as I can be, whatever the consequence of that might be. I'm sick of not telling you what I'm thinking - I'm sick of feeling as if you've relegated me to as low a place as they are, and you know, you made me stop and think in the first place, really. About what they were doing..." He shrugged. "I know that probably doesn't mean anything, but you believed I was something better than that, and I know you don't now, but you did, and it made me want to be something better. And I can't explain that, but I don't want you to think you were wrong to do it." As the light turned, he began walking across the street, but at the same time, looking at her, hoping she wasn't going to turn mutinous on him, because he knew how she felt - and he couldn't blame her. And he couldn't explain why he was so desperate for her to understand what he wished, what he wanted, and what he felt like he had to do, because he didn't have the luxury of simply stepping out and going to live with her in a tent. It wouldn't have helped anyone. Agnes let out a small sigh as he continued on - she supposed he did want to talk about this after all, and really she should have, but it made being pig-headedly stubborn a little more difficult. Not too difficult, mind you, for Agnes had a talent for thick-headedness that nearly surpassed her talent for breathing, and so she pushed a little harder before finally giving him a break. "It means somethin'. But it means more if you actually do somethin' about it. You can say you got good intentions from here to Ireland, but if you ain't actin' on them, they don't mean nothin'. Hopefully, you're better than that but you know I can't just assume you will be. I want you to be. You can be. But you gotta decide it for yourself and figure out what the hell you're doing." And that was really all she wanted to say - all she'd been trying to say this whole time though they never seemed to be able to communicate quite right. And as the light turned, she slipped her arm into his pocketed one and leaned a little closer - she always had the excuse that he'd never murder her in front of a bunch ofmuggles if her high hopes didn't turn out to hold true. "So where we goin'?" Severus was a bit startled when she slid his arm into his, but he couldn't help the smallest smile as she leaned closer and he stopped at the corner trying to remember where he'd figured out the cafe was that he thought they should try to find. She was warm against his side, and he appreciated her being there, as the wind picked up suddenly. "And I know you can't assume I will be," he added. "And I am trying, and it means a lot to me that you think I can be," he smiled and moved so that he just barely squeezed her arm lightly. "I think this way," he continued, answering her final question and nodding straight in front of them. "There's a cafe about a block," he wrinkled up his forehead. "I think about a block this way. I guess we'll find out and if it's not there, we'll wander aroundMuggle London a bit more time than I originally intended on. But it'll be warm, and I promised you tea, and I want a cup myself, and then we can wander back to the park - maybe even take some bread crumbs for the pigeons or some such." "Take some bread crumbs for myself!" She announced, and dragged her feet a little in an effort to keep his comparatively monster legs from pulling her along. Agnes missed London, with its troubles and woes that were tangible and less confusing, and its smells and its people who drifted along without any idea what sort of horrors lingered just beyond the magical veil. It was simple here, innocent, or some sort of comparable word. Suremuggles killed each other, and for equally dispicable reasons, but the terror, the inability to keep law and order (which she'd so despised only a few short months ago), was absent. It sent a chill down her spine to know that a very fine thread held the death eaters at bay from themuggle population, and she couldn't bear to imagine what would happen if it broke. "This place don't look familiar; I hope you ain't takin' me to no posh caf'." She was dying for a cup of tea, but she didn't quite fit in in the fancy teahouses of yesteryear. "Oh, Merlin no," Severus laughed outright. "Can you imagine me at a fancy tea house? I'd break their tea cups, and soil their tablecloths more than likely. No, this isn't any place fancyschmancy , artsy maybe, but not fancy. I think you'll like it actually," he added and made a note to buy a few extra of whatever she purchased and then insist she take them home with her. "I don't think honestly, I'd ever fit in there," he added with a wry smile. "It's a realisation I've been coming to recently, albeit perhaps a bit later than would have been nice, but all the social stuff. I know it, barely. I can learn it. I can pass for middle class maybe, but I don't belong there," he sighed, and the sigh held a little more pain for all of everything that had happened with Astra. "I thought maybe... for a while - but it's not me. As much as I hate to admit it, I'm more comfortable with you than I am with most of thepureblooded women." "That's cause them birds got sticks so far up their bums they ain't comfortable with no one," Agnes replied with a huff of contempt. She had never felt much of an irrational hatred for anyone in her life till the likes ofNarcissa Malfoy and Chloris Burke had smeared their ill-will all over the journals for everyone to see. "Sides, you ain't got nothin' to be ashamed of. Us workin ' class types is the only folks what make a proper wage, anyhow." Well. She wasn't making much of a wage right now, but in theory, she could be - or would be, if it wasn't for the stupid death eaters trying to kill her constantly. As they passed by a bakery, Agnes's stomach growled to her dismay. She needed to try and scrape up some food while she was here to take home. Severus laughed at her imagery and realised he probably shouldn't. When had he become all right with such statements? But then he realised, they weren't all that different from what he'd grown up with, really, it was more what he was running away from that had bothered him. "Here we are," he said, pulling open the door directly next to the bakery and letting her walk through in front of him as the bell made a rather tinny ring. Severus had discovered the place ironically while on one of his assignments, but he'd fallen in love with it almost as soon as he'd walked in the door looking for a place to watch someone from. The walls were filled with bookshelves, and various books on poetry, religion, philosophy and politics lined the shelves. The chairs were mismatched, and the tables small, and in the corner was someone playing the guitar. They had tea, and cakes, but more importantly, they also had basic sandwiches, which was - besides the atmosphere - the main reason he'd wanted to bring Agnes here. "All right, so," he said, glancing at her. "A pot of tea maybe, and I think I'm going to get a sandwich, you want one? Or there's cakes, and bagels, and various bakery type things too." Averse as she was to charity, for once Agnes didn't refuse and insist on paying for only tea for herself. It wasn't like he was being a chauvinist and she had to protect her feminist sensibilities - they were just both aware she was poor as hell, and this was more like sharing. She veered almost immediately off toward a bookshelf to grab a book with large, beautiful pictures in it (she'd never been much for reading), and then returned to Severus's side as she paged through the pictures. "I don't know, they got any sandwiches what ain't got dead animal in 'em?" And at this she shot a glance up at whomever had approached to help them, now wearing a scandalised expression. Severus tried, mostly unsuccessfully, to hide a smile. "Tea," he told the woman without preamble. "And I see that sandwich there with the turkey and lettuce and tomatoes and things. Can you just leave the turkey off? On two of them?" Severus could eat dead animal as Agnes so pleasantly put it, but he figured he was already in enough trouble for killing things, and if it bothered her, not eating it didn't bother him. "And a half dozen of those hot buns," he added, taking a glance at the case and realising that there was something almost odd about going out and not being required to think too much about what he was buying. With MrLestrange's imprisonment, he'd gone from just scraping by during a week, to having what was a reasonable income overnight. He glanced over at Agnes, "anything else? Should we get some of the mini loaves for later?" Agnes's expression went from accusatory to chipper when he ordered a veggie sandwich along with her, and she piped up with "with cheese!" Before the waitress had a chance to escape. But apparently Severus was planning on ordering more, and she looked at him in surprise. "Ain't that a bit expensive?" She asked, apparently completely indifferent to the fact that their server could hear them. She'd never been embarrassed about being poor, so she had no reason to hide her concern, especially since she was worried about him trying to make up for idiotic behaviour by going skint trying to feed her. Severus hesitated only the briefest of seconds before replying good naturedly, "I got a raise, I figure a celebration is in order," he simply was not going to go into details about how or why the raise had come into being. Eventually she'd figure it out, probably, but he wasn't going to give her reason to reject the food simply because the money for it was coming from theLestranges . If anything he figured it was the best use he could put his new salary too, seeing that Agnes got a decent meal once in a while, so as long as she'd let him, he'd make certain she did. "So no, it's not," he responded to Agnes question. "And I'll put cheese on my sandwich too," he added to the waitress who was now gazing at them with a vaguely bored expression. "That it then?" She asked abruptly. Severus turned to Agnes, "anything else?" Oh, and it was wise of him not to tell her about the Lestranges, or she'd have probably stormed out - despite her fit of good intentions (and mood). Blood money was not what she wanted being spent on her, especially when that blood was spilled by her best friend's family. But a raise sounded nice, and so she said "maybe some bread for the pigeons," and let that be that. She tended not to stock up on things she needed ahead of time, so the idea of asking for something to keep for the future was a bit beyond her. But the pigeons were hungry now, and the idea of feeding them was a comfortable one. "And don't act like you got somethin' better to do, lady, I waited tables before, so I know," Agnes said hotly, finger pointed at their server. The server opened her mouth as if she were about to say something in return and Severus quickly stepped forward, reaching in his pocket for theMuggle money. "Let's add at least two of the bread rolls as well, thank you," he pulled out the pound notes, trying to calculate in his head how much it would be. Although he could makeMuggle money easily enough in the sense that he knew what the pieces all were, trying to calculate it sometimes was more than he was used to. KnowingMuggle money had come in handy at least a couple of times as an adult, and he supposed if he'd been pureblooded , or possibly even full blooded, he wouldn't have known that skill. The money was exchanged and the server turned around, a trifle sulkily, to take their order back. "Come on," he turned back around and sticking the money in his pocket again, he reached out and touched Agnes' elbow lightly, leading her across to a little table in the corner. "What was the book on? The one you were looking at?" Agnes refrained from giving waitress-bitch the stinkeye and instead turned her attentions back on Severus, and the book she'd forgotten was in her hand. Taking a seat heavily in one of the table's mismatched chairs, and curling her legs under her, she set the book upon the table and opened it up to the middle. "Kid's book probably. Look at this," she giggled a little. "That's what they think fairies look like." A flip of the page. "What do you reckon that is?" This was... nice. She wasn't sure how she'd gone from rage to acceptance in -- well, alright, it had taken a month and she still hadn't forgiven him totally -- but this was comfortable and familiar and even though she knew she should have smacked him upside the head and forgotten he existed, she couldn't quite help but cling to some small aspect of her life that seemed even remotely stable. Severus pulled his chair around so that it was closer to being beside her than across from her, and if she asked or complained, he supposed that he could claim he wanted to see the pictures. But in reality, he just wanted the closeness, even if they weren't touching. It had been weeks really since he'd had any human touch worth noting, and whatever he might claim to the contrary if he were asked about it, he was hungry for it and even just sitting beside her was enough. "A fairy?" He laughed. "I have no idea what that is, wait," he looked down to the caption. "An elf?" He looked at the photograph of what was labelled an elf and stared at it bemused. "They really have no idea, do they? I mean, there's just no way that even remotely resembles an elf. Maybe we should write our own children's book," he grinned at the idea of authoring a book with Agnes. No doubt the conversation would require all sorts of pot, and somefirewhiskey , and more than one large argument on what should be included. "We can label it fiction, and the Muggles will never know the difference, but there will be one proper book out there. What say you? You can do the illustrations and I'll write. How are your drawing skills?" "Pretty damned awful," she laughed, flicking a page over. "Well they got the dragon right, sorta." Write a book? She was barely literate! Maybe she could just take pictures and then colour over them so they looked like illustrations. "Sounds kinda fun though. Maybe a picture book orsommat , and we can use regular photographs, like." She noticed his proximity, but didn't reject it. Ever since her encounter with both the werewolf and thesectumsempra (and she tried not to blame Severus for that, but it was still his fault), she hadn't been very comfortable with getting naked with people. It was a bizarre sensation for her, to be embarrassed by her own body, but that was how it went, and maybe some good came of it for she was enjoying the company. "So..." she started, still looking at the book and not at him, "what you been up to lately?" Was kind of a lame conversation starter, but she could only talk about how sillymuggle ideas were for so long. Severus shrugged with a smile and considered how best to answer the question. A lot of things that Agnes probably wouldn't approve of, but then, that wasn't something he could help, and she did at least know enough that he felt like he could be reasonably truthful about it. "I suppose it depends on how lately is lately," he looked over at her. "Before the masquerade I was trying to get one of my friends to ask the girl he was interested in to dance, turns out he's a bit of a coward on that front, he should just ask her. Talking to Abe, and visiting him some," Severus glanced down at the dragon which was granted unlike any species he knew of, but at least did project the general effect. "He's been good to me, far better than I deserve, and I've appreciated that a lot," he said. "It's been lonely, to be honest. With Mum gone, and with everyone thinking-" he stopped, it wasn't as if he blamed her for what she'd said that night. "Well, it's been lonely. I've got friends, but recently I just feel disconnected from them, cause I can't be honest with them, and the people I feel like I can be honest with, I can't be honest with," he shook his head. "Which, I realise sounds absolutely absurd, but there's a handful of people right now that I even begin to trust enough, and you're one of them, and Abe; but mostly, I've been working on a lot of potions, and a lot of reading about potions and other things." He glanced up as the server brought two plates with sandwiches, followed by a pot of tea and the cups, and the other pastries and breads that they'd ordered, and Severus realised he was more hungry than he'd thought he was when the food was in front of him. He set about pouring them both tea, giving her an opportunity to respond to any of it, if she wanted to and figuring that if she didn't - if she just wanted to eat for the moment that was fine too. Agnes attacked the sandwich closest to her immediately - both because she was hungry and because it gave her a moment to consider her words without looking like she was thinking too hard. The bread was amazing, as were the things inside the bread, and she wished for a minute that she'd asked for extra spread - but it was alright and that desire was likely just the aftermath of smoking on the way over and she wasn't enjoying the sandwich any less. As for Snape - well. She almost felt guilty. No, she did feel guilty, despite knowing better. The mention of Aberforth sent a hot thread of anger through her that she ignored. They'd made their peace and even though she thought he was a right twat for what he did, being angry at him took too much energy and she was fairly convinced it was bad for her karma. And Severus. It sounded like the last month had been damned lonely for him, and while she thought the blame rested solely with him, she could still sympathise. "I'm sorry," she finally mumbled through a mouthful of sandwich. "That sounds like it's been shit boring." But at least he hadn't been busying himself with murdering people. Or at least she hoped so since he'd just admitted point blank that he couldn't be honest with the people he was used to being honest with. Ugh, Merlin, it gave her a headache. "I ain't beendoin' much neither. Just keeping outta the way of peoples' magic." "It has been a bit," he said honestly. "But it's not as if part of it isn't my own fault really," he glanced over at her and a flash of regret was in his eyes for just long enough that it could have been seen, if someone wasn't quite certain what it was. "And I like the potions, I mean, I really do enjoy them. They're specific, they're detailed, they keep my mind in order, and some of them are extremely challenging, so I do feel as if I'm learning a lot." And he picked up his own sandwich, taking a few bites before he reached for the cup of tea. "I miss Mum," he admitted slowly. "And then sometimes I feel guilty for it, cause it's not like I'm the only person whose lost people and at least Mum's was, you know, natural, mostly. I just - I could take care of her. But I guess that's neither here nor there really. I can't change it, so there's not much use talking about it." he picked up the sandwich again and looked at her. "Keep staying out of the way of peoples' magic," he said seriously. "If you're in the way of peoples' magic, its probably pretty much guaranteed they're not wanting to charm your hair a different colour, and honestly," he added with a wry tone in his voice. "I like it the colour it is, and not any other colour. Can I do anything to help? I mean, with the staying out of the way stuff?" "Learning ain't everything," she pointed out, setting down her sandwich long enough to take a long, slow drink of tea and reach for a bun. But she got the impression he already knew that and so didn't hammer on about it. With a pang of sympathy, she reached out and pressed her tea-warmed palm over his hand, finally turning to look at him head on. "You got every right to grieve your mum, no matter what. Don'tfuckin ' forget it." The pause between the was palpable, and she returned to her sandwich afterward, missing the touch but not eager to give it to freely. Her judgement wasn't so great at the best of times - and those times were not these. "I ain't sure. I'll think about it yeah? And let you know. To be honest, Marly and Dorky would kill me for bein' here so I can't really ask 'em for advice about it, and I ain't that quick of a thinker. So... I'll get back to you. Just don't tell nobody where I am," she said wryly, smiling a little. It wasn't like Severus knew where she was in the first place, but still. Severus sat still for a moment. Ever since she'd come to Spinner's End and smacked him in the face (for the second time), there had been this awkwardness between them, and he knew that it was more than just the knowledge of what he was, and perhaps even the knowledge of what he'd done. And as awkward as he assumed it was for Agnes, it was awkward for him as well. He'd let her close to him in ways that he had never anticipated, and during the few moments - often just before he drifted off to sleep, or as he was waiting for a potion to boil - that he would allow himself to think about the whys and the whats and the wherefores, he knew that he felt more strongly for her than he had ever meant to allow himself to do. And the tug at his heart and the desire to reach out and touch her was very indicative of that. He gave her a wry smile, "don't worry, if anyone asks I'll tell them I think you're in Bath," he hesitated, what was supposed to be amusing and a bit funny fell a little as he realised that he didn't know if they were near Bath. "You're not in Bath are you?" He questioned, picking up the tea cup for a sip. "Wait, don't tell me! Just if you're there, move, and then I'll tell them I think you're in Bath, and it'll all be fine." "So, look, what would you want to do if you weren't in a tent somewhere? I mean, where did you grow up? You've never talked about it." He picked up the second half of his sandwich to begin working on it. "I ain't in Bath, don't worry." The bun was the most delicious thing she'd ever eaten, as far as Agnes was concerned, and she closed her eyes and murmured against it for a minute before devouring it, slurping some tea, and then pondering the question. They never really did talk about their childhoods - it hadn't really seemed relevant when they were yelling at each other or she was trying to cure him with sex or whatever it is they did that didn't involve much background. "Grew up in Soho." She took a breath, a wash of bitterness coming over her. "With my mum and dad in a commune, so shitloads of people really. Mum were a witch but she ain't never been to Hogwarts. Dad - I ain't real sure. I think he got a wand but he don't ever perform much magic cause he runs amuggle pub. Free trade pub, mind you. Don't take no money but food and the like." The knot in her stomach tightened, but she took a bite of sandwich and carried on, through it. "Mum was a healer, so that's what I done - though they sent me to Hogwarts to learn shit. Worst seven years of my life, but I weren't about to waste what they saved, so I did my best. Helped out when I went into healing" And that was that. "Ain't tooexcitin' really, 'cept for some run ins with the law. They don't take too kindly to Soho. Too much mixin' of muggles and magic." "Why doesn't that surprise me?" Severus asked, amused as he finished off his sandwich and reached for one of the buns himself. He'd been about to ask how she'd ended up at Hogwarts, but it seemed like it had been her parents desire then, and honestly he understood that. After all, although he'd wanted to go, where it didn't appear that Agnes had particularly wanted to, his Mum had been adamant about it in the end, and he had a feeling he would have gone short of him saying he wanted to beMuggle, which would have never happened. It was so odd to talk on one hand to someone like Jacqueline who felt that never should Muggle and Magical meet, and then someone like Agnes who had grown up with them meeting - but then, really, so had he. "You should teach me some stuff sometime," he said thoughtfully. "Like, healer things. I know it doesn't make a hell of a lot of sense when you consider a lot of what I'm doing, but I didn't come out of the Hogwarts battle totally without anything, and -" he waved sticky fingers as he finished up the last of the bun, and then picked up the tea cup with the other one. "If I keep this, I mean, pretending, there may be times where I can't ask them for help - I need to know some stuff myself." He'd askedDolohov, but somehow he thought he'd rather learn from Agnes, or at least, would like to learn from her as well as from Dolohov . And it gave her an excuse to come see him - and with a purpose, which meant there would be less of that awkward tension between them. Or hell, who was he kidding? There wouldn't be any less of the awkward tension - that was going to exist as long as he longed for more with her, and who would have ever thought it? She couldn't help but look surprised as she licked her thumb and poured herself more tea. Severus wanted to learn healing? She supposed it made sense, if he was going to continue pulling this double life bullshit, and though she didn't approve, she appreciated his desire to fuck up slightly less in his future. In it's way, that statement alone made Agnes far more open to the suggestion of seeing him again - and she was far too naive in a dishonest sense to realise that his desire might have been that all along. No, she was too busy with noble thoughts of helping him save people while not compromising his cover, or whatever it was they called it. "Yeah, I could do that." She sounded more eager than she had been their last few encounters, a small part of her relieved, another satisfied, another excited. This was something that could actually be useful to people. "I know a little abouthealin ' potions, but I guess you got that covered. I'm better with herbs and salves and shit. It probably wouldn't take you too long to learn." Severus nodded, glancing over at her and watching her face for a moment. "Good, Agnes, thank you. It really would be helpful," he finished off the last of his tea and eyed the rest of the sticky buns. "Maybe we can get something for these, just a bag, unless you want another one?" He arched an eyebrow at her. Merlin he'd missed this. The actual talking, and feeling like they had something in common, even if it was the smallest thing. Perhaps they had more in common now, he thought to himself. He could never be as strictly moral as she was, but he could certainly try. "And I know a bit about potions, obviously," he shrugged. "But some of the other stuff - all I know is very, very basic." "If you're done do you want to head back towards the park? Or we could just walk up towards other shoppes or something. Or even go back to my place if you'd rather, whatever you want really." He stopped, and suddenly realised that the latter had implied things he hadn't actually been thinking of. "Er, but I mean," his cheeks flushed slightly. "We could just play a game or whatever if we go back to my place, I wasn't meaning - well, maybe just walk around here, then. I know you're not interested in the other right now." Agnes raised an eyebrow at him and then snagged one of the sticky buns before he bagged the others. She had to admit that with her it was always best to clarify completely, and as she had taken it the wrong way at first, she didn't feel inclined smack him over the nose. Plus, she was a bit sedate at having filled up on delicious food and tea and smacking took too much damned work when all was said and done. "Let's go for a walk, yeah? We can figure out the other stuff later." It wasn't yet too late to go meandering about - although they were inmuggle London so the curfew didn't quite apply - and the air smelled delicious and crisp like autumn ought. He looked visibly relieved when she didn't smack him or otherwise decide that she was going to walk out in a huff. He bagged up the others and stuck them away, along with the two small loaves. He'd give both of them to her when they got ready to separate, but he would do it then, not now. He wasn't certain if she was going to accept them without a fight, and he didn't particularly want to have one at the moment - certainly not as he had just made awkward and somewhat bumbling statements implying things that she'd clarified she wasn't ready for. He stood and walked for the door, holding it open for her to exit onto the street. It was just twilight, and the lights in the windows poured out on the street, and he offered his arm to her. "My Lady?" he raised an eyebrow, an air of mockery about him. It was the sort of gesture he'd have been required to do in his normal company, but with Agnes it was silly and a bit funny. "I like this," he said. "I mean, this, us, just talking and not worrying about shit. And thinking a bit about what you can do, and I know like - I know Lily's a genius with potions and all, so I'm not offering out of some desire to overtake her position, but if you ever do need potions, I'll brew them for you. You've just got to ask. It's the least I can do." "Don't hold no doors open for me ever again Severus Snape!" She fussed, though she took his arm. Agnes had planned to make him take her arm at this offence to her feminism, but she was too short for that to work properly and had to be content with simple grumbling. The night are was as wondrous as she remembered, and the sparkling London lights were brilliant compared to the pitch black wilderness she was staying in lately. Dorcas, of course, would have a fire going by now, but still - there were no city lights out, no roaming homeless, no street artists. She missed London deeply, ached for it even. "I'll keep that in mind caseLils gets too busy to do somethin '," she said vaguely, not really wanting to dwell on the topic of Lily - especially when she and James were worried about a backlash against her from the death eaters. Not that she'd ever expect Severus to hurt Lily, but keeping her off the radar was probably the best idea. "And yeah... I missed this." Mostly. She didn't miss the reason they'd stopped. "Yes ma'am," Severus said with a smirk, wondering if it would earn him a cuff as well. He found Agnes refreshing. Yes, he would probably open a door for her the next time he had the opportunity to - it was just something he did after all - but he liked that she didn't expect him too. Wouldn't think less of him if he didn't, that not opening a door was tantamount to murdering small children. Agnes had her priorities straight. "Is it asking too much to say let's do it more frequently?" He wondered aloud, his hand was light on her arm, and he relaxed a bit as dozens of people walked by them, most of them completely oblivious to Agnes and Severus specifically, but also to everything - which made everything easier to forget about for a few moments time. "I never taught you chess, after all. And someday maybe even strip chess, assuming you ever get around to forgiving my ass." "Oh it ain't your ass that needs forgiving," she announced, guiding him back toward the park they'd met in so she could feed the pigeons with their hard earned bread. "I ain't sure yet. I just... ain't sure." She left it at that, but shifted against him so her arm wrapped around behind his back; if she needed an excuse, she could say it was cold - but Agnes had never needed excuses to do precisely what she pleased, and against her better judgement - which had never been very good to begin with - she missed him, and this, and though she didn't know why, she wanted to make it better. They could work on it. It'd work out. "Teach me chess, I'll teach you some healin'," she agreed. "It's a deal," Severus felt a little as if he'd made some small victory, even though he wasn't certain he was ready to call it a win. He moved his arm to slide around her shoulders, comfortably albeit a bit cautiously; but after all, it was chill, and the nicest way to stay warm was with another human being. He stopped them as they reached the crosswalk, waiting for the light to turn, and was silent in the din of the city surrounding them. This felt right; and slowly they were returning to this place where things felt right, to this place where he could be with her, and she could challenge him, and he could protect her in some small way: Not that he'd ever dare tell AgnesO'Hare she needed protecting. The light turned, and he urged her gently so they could move across together; connected by everything that had pulled them together in the face of everything that had threatened to tear them apart. "Pigeons then?" He asked cheerfully, giving her shoulder a gentle squeeze and holding up the bag of bread in the other. |