James "Bucky" Barnes | Winter Soldier (thesoviet) wrote in blackpoint, @ 2015-12-21 19:38:00 |
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Entry tags: | bucky barnes (na), j romanova rogers |
Pretty sure it's already been well established that I'm an idiot, but I figured it couldn't hurt to be said again.
This is gonna sound like I'm making excuses, and I'm sorry for that. But they aren't, just... hopefully an explanation for why I'm such a goddamn idiot. Want to preface this with that and to tell you I don't have any expectations here. You can ignore it, listen, yell at me. It's not gonna change the fact that I'm sorry.
My world, it was years later when Natalia and Steve got married. He gave her the normal life I couldn't, and I was dumb and ran away. I wanted her to have that normal life, and there was no way in hell she was going for a guy like me without her memories. But it hurt, and it took me a long damn time to think of it like it wasn't a betrayal from my best friend. The guy that mentored me. I was angry at myself for not having the kind of life that would be good for her and a family. It was dumb, but so was I.
I showed up in a world like this, almost two years ago now. I found out that she actually remembered. I wasn't just some damn guy that Steve talked about sometimes. She had James again, too. I'd seen everybody die, did a lot that I wasn't proud of, never would be. Took a while to build that back up, and even longer to build a relationship with James. I've got this tendency to back off until somebody else approaches, or I make dumb assumptions and say stupid shit.
Guess I just figured, and wouldn't blame them, that Natalia found happiness in Steve when your Bucky was gone. But I didn't back off cause I thought you were Steve's, I backed off cause I didn't want to be a shitty reminder, that you deserved some time with your mom and I've learned that pushing my way into places where I'm not welcome never goes that well.
It's a work in progress, my dumb brain. I'm sorry for that. I jumped to conclusions and I should've just asked straight out, but I didn't, and you paid for that. You deserve a hell of a lot better.
If you ever get to the part where you can stand my face, I'd like a relationship with you. I'd like to get to know you.
If not, that's alright too, I'll keep trying, long as I have to.