InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "i see stars! lots of them!"

Faustus Stirling (secretson) wrote in beyondthepages,
@ 2010-05-21 08:49:00

Entry tags:

2023 10, faustus stirling, lily evans

Characters: Faustus & Lily
Time/Date: 20 October 2023, evening
Location: Hogwarts
Warnings/Rating: FL for Faustus' Language
Summary: Faustus has a dilemma and he doesn't know the solution.
Status: Incomplete

Faustus paced back and forth in the workroom that Lily used, his robes flowing out around him and swirling at every turn. He’d come down here straight after dinner because he’d wanted somewhere quiet to think... and quite possibly because his subconscious was at play. After all, it would only be a quiet place to think if Lily wasn’t here and it was... possible that he wanted Lily to be here.

He ran a hand through his hair as he paced. It wasn’t the first time he’d done that and his thick black hair was sticking up in every which way to the point where he was beginning to look slightly demented. Which was apt because he was starting to feel that way.

Tom Riddle was back and now he was really caught in a quandary. He knew that he had a slight resemblance to his father. Not enough to make people go ‘Hey, you’re Severus Snape’s son’ but certainly enough to make certain people do a double take and frown... as Lily had amply proven the last time they’d spoken. It had happened a couple of times before as well. Kingsley Shacklebolt had done it to him. He’d gotten it from both Draco and Astoria Malfoy. He was fairly certain he might well get the same reaction from Bellatrix Lestrange.

And if people looked into his background and found out who his mother was and when he was born, did the maths, counted backwards nine months, well, there were people who might well be able to put two and two together and come up with an answer pretty damn close to four.

Maybe.

And that was the problem. He wasn’t sure if he had a problem. But with Tom Riddle back, it was natural to assume that the Death Eaters were going to find a way to get to him or vice versa. If he did have a problem then it was only a matter of time before they found out. Maybe. And if they found out, he could be used. There were ways. He was a Slytherin, he knew that.

He sighed and ran his hand through his hair again as he continued to pace. Which had all led to him being here, pacing and wondering whether he was hoping that Lily would come or wishing that she wouldn’t. Because he wasn’t sure what he should say or even if he should say anything at all. Maybe he was just making a mountain out of a molehill. It wasn’t like his mother had ever acknowledged publicly who his father was. But that didn’t mean much. People could do the maths. Other Death Eaters had been at that party. They could have been seen leaving. The Death Eaters were mostly Slytherins.

"Oh, for fuck’s sake," he muttered. "I think I’m going mad."

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emerald_eyes
2010-05-20 11:20 pm UTC (link)

"Excellent. There's a club then? I think I'd like to join it." Lily was very curious as to why Faus was pacing around in the room she tended to use, but he certainly had every right to be here - and maybe it meant nothing at all.

Granted, any professor here who wasn't at least a little moody about Tom's return might want to have their head examined.

Lily offered Faustus a smile before she hung up her cloak and set her books on her work bench.

"Anything you'd care to share, or something you're working out on your own and I've interrupted?"

She did sport the fading remnants of a few bruises on her arms, and on high on her cheek - though they'd been treated and already looked days old, despite their acquisition earlier that afternoon.

She tied up her hair and summoned over a cauldron before flipping open her book to find the one she was after.

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secretson
2010-05-20 11:27 pm UTC (link)

Faustus gave a yelp of surprise as he spun around. "Eh? What?" He relaxed again when he saw that it was Lily then he tensed up as he remembered why he was here. Maybe why he was here. Possibly. If he could actually manage to get it out.

"I don't know about a club though I suppose we could start one," he offered weakly before finally coming to a halt and sinking down onto one of the stools.

He frowned when he saw the bruises though they looked old. "Maybe I should be the one asking if everything's alright?" he said, nodding at the bruises that were showing.

Then he sighed and scrubbed his face with both hands. "As for me, I... don't know. I... I don't even know if I have a problem or if I'm blowing things way out of proportion but if I do have a problem and I don't take steps, it's probably going to come back and bite me on the arse in a pretty spectacular way and then there's going to be more people than me involved and at least one of them's going to get a very nasty surprise at the worst possible time..."

He broke off and groaned. "And now I'm turning into a teenage girl who just sits and babbles."

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emerald_eyes
2010-05-21 12:10 am UTC (link)

Lily thought Faus sounded a bit like she had last week, and her brows arched slightly.

"I'm fine. Just going through a refresher course to brush up on defense spells. Awareness of my surroundings, shield spells, reflexes. The not standing and staring thing ..." Lily smirked faintly. "But I went through most of the jar of bruise paste, so I thought I'd make some to replace it. Especially if this is going to become habit."

And she imagined it would be. She really did need the practice, and as long as they were willing ...

She did try to make sense of what he was going on about, but she was familiar with the idea of nasty surprises. She doubted he meant the Bellatrix sort, though at the rate she was going ...

"You realize you sound a bit like me when I was in here rambling on about my issues," she pointed out. "Lots of worry over nothing that proved to be."

An impish little smirk tugged at her lips. "Turns out, he loves me, too."

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secretson
2010-05-21 12:27 am UTC (link)

Faustus gave a rather weak laugh when she pointed out the similarities between their reactions though he did manage a more genuine smile when he realised what she meant. "I... that's great! I'm happy for you both."

He got up and started pacing again, staring down at the floor as though it would give him the answers he was seeking. "I suppose I should take that as an omen, shouldn't I? Though I'm not sure if I'm going to get the same kind of good resolution."

He paced silently for a moment longer then came to halt again and turned to look at Lily. He chewed on his bottom lip then drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly.

"You... know how last time we spoke you thought I resembled Severus Snape a little?" He licked lips that had gone suddenly dry. "I, well... there's a reason for that. I... um... well... I'm his son."

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emerald_eyes
2010-05-21 12:37 am UTC (link)

Lily was silent for a moment, and she realized she was waiting for a punchline. Her hands stilled, potion and project for a moment forgotten as she regarded him.

She could see it, of course. Had seen it before, but ... his son? She felt a silly, irrational surge of jealousy, but she'd been dead, so what would it have mattered, who else Severus was sleeping with?

They were together, now, and ... that wasn't even the point of this. When she realized that Faustus wasn't joking, Lily shook her head a little. "He ... he doesn't know about you, does he?" She was fairly certain (or she liked to think, anyway) that if Severus had a son he knew about, it might have come up at some point before now.

He wouldn't withhold something like that. Especially not when she'd mentioned Faus to him on numerous occasions, because any one of those would have been a brilliant time to mention that Faustus was his son.

But how could Sev not know? Things had to happen before a child could come into the picture, and she knew that Severus took precautions against that. So did she, but ... also, not the point.

Attempting to keep herself focused, Lily sort of continued to stare. "I ... were. Are you going to ..." Stroll up to him and say 'hi, I'm your son' and not expect to get scoffed at (at best) or hexed? Lily wasn't sure how to finish that, so she sort of nodded.

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secretson
2010-05-21 01:03 am UTC (link)

Faustus wasn't surprised by her stunned reaction. That was about how he'd felt when his mother had sat him down at twelve and explained it all to him. He'd thought she was joking until he'd realised that she really, really wasn't.

"No," he said wearily. "He... he has no idea I even exist. He doesn't even know my mother was pregnant. She never told anyone outside of family. Everyone thought he was a true and loyal Death Eater, the murderer of Albus Dumbledore, and she'd had a change of heart by then. She didn't want me anywhere near the Death Eaters." He scrubbed his face with one hand. "Then... then he died and it didn't seem to matter. But now..." He waved his hand a little helplessly.

He laughed, a small bitter sound. He knew what she was asking. "I have no idea. He... I... he's not going to be happy when he finds out about me. My... my mother was in this really bitchy I'm-a-pureblood-and-I-can-have-anything-I-want-and-I-want-Severus-Snape-just-because-he-rejects-everyone mood and she... well, she drugged him in a circumstance when he couldn't detect it or do anything about it until too late. He was furious when... when he came to his senses again. She didn't realise that a side effect of the potion she used was that it nullifies contraceptive potions and she certainly wasn't using them herself. So... she ended up with me."

He gnawed on his bottom lip, looking increasingly miserable. "By then she'd seen how things really were in the Death Eaters and her parents had been murdered by Voldemort so... she ran. She went to an Aunt of hers and Mum, Aunt Eunice, me and now you are the only ones who know who my father is." He swallowed. "But I keep thinking that if a Death Eater who was at that party back then met me and saw what you saw and what others have seen in me and put two and two together, well, there's... a really good chance they could come up with four. And they don't like him very much and they might think to use me against him... and I'm not even certain he'd care."

He slumped down on the stool again and ran a hand through his already wild hair, looking utterly lost and miserable. "I... I just don't know what to do."

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emerald_eyes
2010-05-21 01:16 am UTC (link)

Not going to be happy, she thought, qualified for understatement of the year. Lily lifted one hand to her mouth as he continued on with his explanation, emerald eyes going a bit wide. So he'd been tricked, and was a father, and oh, he did not need this. Not on top of all the Bellatrix drama in their lives. She wondered a little if whatever higher force was guiding their lives was out to break Severus now that he'd found his happy.

"No," Lily said softly. "He's probably going to go break a fair bit more glassware. This ... this really isn't his week." She offered Faustus an apologetic smile.

But she had to completely agree that Faustus stood a high chance of being used, and she'd go so far as to agree that Severus likely wouldn't care, as the circumstances stood right now.

In one of those abstract moments of clarity, Lily realized that the only possible hope this situation had of ending well was if she was the one to break the news to Severus, and even that was very, very sketchy. "You want me to tell him." She meant it to be a question, but it came out a little flat, a little less inflection on the end than she'd meant to put there.

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secretson
2010-05-21 01:30 am UTC (link)

Faustus smiled weakly at the mention of his father's reaction to bad news. Hey! Look at that. He had something else in common with the man. Not that he did a lot of glass breaking these days. Filius tended to get moderately irritated with him... or as irritated as the little man ever got... when the purchasing requests come in for yet more glassware.

He winced a little at her flat tone and then sighed and stared at his boots. "I... I don't know what I want you to do. I'm not sure I'd ever planned on telling him. He never knew about me, I doubt he wants a son anyway, it... it just seemed easier to... let things be."

He looked over at her. "But now Tom Riddle's back and I've read today's Prophet. I don't think I can ignore it anymore, not when you've proven that people can pick up the similarities between us even if they don't really believe them."

He gave another of those painful bitter laughs that lacked anything remotely resembling mirth or amusement and stared at the floor. Lily's reaction pretty much confirmed what he'd always thought in his heart of hearts and he was surprised at how much it hurt to have it confirmed that his father wouldn't want anything to do with him.

"You know, when I was a kid I used to fantasise about what it would be like if he wasn't dead. I used to fantasise that he'd want me and be proud of me and I could actually tell people who my father was and have them be envious because my father was a great war hero who helped bring down Voldemort." He looked up at her, the bitterness and pain obvious on his face. "Kids can be pretty stupid, huh?"

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emerald_eyes
2010-05-21 01:38 am UTC (link)

"Love, it's not ... stupid," she assured him gently. "Severus is ... he's a very complicated, very private man. He had a very ... dark childhood, and he's not much of a child person," she continued. Which was one of the things stopping her from mentioning having children to him. Not that she was in any great rush to do that, but it might be nice to have another child some day. One she could actually raise herself.

Shifting her weight slightly, Lily shook her head as she leaned back against the bench. She ran her fingers through her hair and tried to just think about this.

It was a little odd to hear Faustus talking about being Severus' son, about imagining what it would have been like to have been raised by him, or to be acknowledged by him, and it clashed so very much with what she knew of Severus.

"I think ..." Lily hesitated. "I think the circumstances more than the you are going to be the obstacle," she said softly. "I don't know, of course, I can only guess, based on what I do know of him. He's not going to be pleased to know that the ... the treachery produced offspring, and he may have trouble ..." She squinted. "Dissociating you from the entire situation. He may look at you and see ... the incident. See her. See only red, and anger, and ... not you as the person you are."

She would tell Severus if Faus wanted her to, but she'd have to be very careful and pick a night where he had things he wanted to do downstairs anyway.

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secretson
2010-05-21 03:37 am UTC (link)

Faustus grimaced; he could understand that reaction. He remembered his own anger when he'd been fifteen and he'd started picking holes in his mother's story and had questioned her and she'd admitted the whole truth. he'd been so angry at her and it had been so confusing because he loved her and he hadn't wanted to accept that she could do anything so wrong. That had been one very uncomfortable summer holidays. It had taken a lot of very long talks with his Aunt before he came to terms with it.

But he wasn't the one who'd been taken advantage of.

"She... she regretted it in the end," he said softly. "Not me. She never regretted having me, she just regretted doing that to him. She was young. Nineteen, I think. Spoiled. So sure of her own superiority. And he was so aloof. She sort of saw him as the ultimate challenge and she wanted him. She never thought through the consequences to her or to him. Then when she... when everyone found out the truth about him, she said she felt very small. Very young and stupid that she'd made his life just that little bit more difficult."

He smiled wryly. "I think she grew up when her parents died. She saw it happen, you know. Watched Voldemort just... kill them for failing at an impossible task and then she knew just how deep the hole she was in was and she'd better climb out now or end up just like them. And she was pregnant out of wedlock with no family and nowhere to go except one crazy old bat of an aunt." He snorted. "Not that she couldn't still pull out the spoiled pureblood princess act - she wasn't perfect - but Aunt Eunice used to slap her down pretty hard every time she did."

He looked at Lily again. "I honestly don't know what to do, Lily. I think that's what brought me here tonight. You know him better than I do. The parts of me that are interested in self-preservation and keeping the peace say don't tell him, he doesn't need to know, he doesn't want to know. But the parts of me that know exactly how Slytherins think and react say tell him because if the Death Eaters do find out about me, it's better that he knows rather than being caught unawares."

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emerald_eyes
2010-05-21 03:54 am UTC (link)

Lily listened, and tried to simply listen without putting her own spin on his words, to translate them in ways he didn't mean them. She tried not to feel angry at his mother for using Severus like that, and for a moment she was prouder than usual that she'd been a Gryffindor. So what if she was an open book? It was better than worrying about what your mates were doing, saying, plotting behind your back.

It amused her in a vague sort of way that if she'd been a Slytherin, she would've been torn up and spit out in her first couple of years. But then, if she'd been a Slytherin ... things would have been completely different, wouldn't they have?

But Faustus had brought up the sticking point. Severus wouldn't like knowing, but he'd be livid if he didn't know and the first he heard of it was it being used against him somehow.

"It's up to you," she began carefully. "But he'll take one look at me and know I've found out something he's not going to like. He won't push me but I can't lie to him, either, and then I'll get all consumed with guilt, knowing this and not telling him, and then it'll just ... pop out in a really bad way and then he'll be here, like with his wand out, and ..." Lily gestured.

"No, all right, it probably won't go quite that far, but ... it ... it would be best if he heard from ..." She sighed. "From me." Her eyes rolled slightly, but she supposed that was the price she got to pay for being so close to him. Being the barrier between him and the public. Being his lover. Being the one who knew him better than anyone else did.

A silly little smile crept across her lips as those thoughts sank home. So, maybe it wasn't so bad, being where she was.

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secretson
2010-05-21 04:08 am UTC (link)

Faustus scrubbed his face with his hands and started to catalogue all the hiding places he knew in the school then tossed that out, because his father would surely know them all anyway, and started coming up with excuses that would let him get away for the weekend back to Aunt Eunice's. He could hide there. She was always saying he didn't visit enough. Of course, she have the reason out of him in five seconds flat so... maybe not.

"Merlin, I hope I'm doing the right thing," he muttered into his hands then he dropped them into his lap and, with the expression of a man writing his own death warrant, said, "Tell him. He can only kill me once, right?"

He had no idea whether this was the right thing to do or even if he wanted to do it but... his hand had been forced. Tom Riddle was back, Bellatrix Lestrange was back, there Dark Marls appearing all over the place... and he was the son of the man who'd betrayed them in such a stupendously clever manner. What choice did he have?

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emerald_eyes
2010-05-21 04:31 am UTC (link)

"Generally speaking, yes, he can only kill you once, but ... suppose you come back? Then he can do it all over again." Lily did smirk a little before she grinned. "Don't think he'd put for the effort to do it a second time though, so you might be safe."

She reached out and squeezed his shoulder gently. "At least he'll likely do it quickly."

Lily was just glad Sev loved her. Maybe he wouldn't kill the messenger. She'd just ... try to figure out the best, least lethal way to break the news to him.

"I'll try to warn you if he's coming after you," she promised, sucking in her cheeks a little to keep from smiling.

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secretson
2010-05-21 04:55 am UTC (link)

Faustus laughed a little but he couldn't hide the sadness in his eyes. At least not yet. Give him a day or two and he'd have found a way to shove all his feelings about this in a little box and shove it away into the dark recesses of his own mind. This wasn't what he'd wanted and it wasn't going to go the way he'd secretly, childishly, hoped and that was that. He'd faced disappointment and hurt before. He would cope.

Maybe he was just destined to be alone. The lonely old professor at Hogwarts down in his dungeon until the day he died. That was a galling thought but it seemed more true that many others he'd had.

And now he was just getting maudlin.

"Maybe I'd come back as a kid. That wouldn't be so bad." He smiled wanly and got up. "I... should let you get on with your work." Maybe he'd go and walk along the battlements. The fresh air would probably do him some good and he knew a few quiet places up there where he could sit and brood.

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emerald_eyes
2010-05-21 05:00 am UTC (link)

She watched, studied his expression. She wasn't nearly as good at reading people as others were, but she wasn't blind, or an idiot. "It might not ... be that bad," she offered. "I'll owl you as soon as I've told him to ... let you know how it went, and what the verdict is." She caught his hand lightly and squeezed it gently.

"I'll be here for a bit if you want to come back in, or ... if you change your mind or something like that," she offered. But she didn't think he would change his mind. This was news she didn't want to deliver, that he didn't want told, but ... the alternative wasn't exactly acceptable. If Severus was taken by surprise, and she'd known about the thing that had surprised him ... well, Lily didn't want to deal with a rupture like that in their trust.

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