benji banji banjo benjito benny banjelino benk. (goldballs) wrote in beyond_evo, @ 2018-05-15 22:53:00 |
|
|||
Entry tags: | amity, reverie |
LOG: Morph & Hindsight
WHO: Benji Deeds (MORPH) & Nathaniel Carver (HINDSIGHT)
WHAT: A discussion that is not about pajamas.
WHEN/WHERE: Tuesday, early evening; Benji's room.
BENJI: Benji had been riding high since prom, with no end in sight. The whole night had gone so spectacularly, that Benji was clearly suffering from delusions of grandeur. He hadn't shifted into anyone else accidentally for days, and he wasn't sure if it was because of his confidence skyrocketing by being Nathaniel's date to prom, or that somehow dancing the night away had triggered a block on his mutation. Neither of those were the actual truth to why he wasn't aping people, but he liked to think so. But it didn't matter, nothing could spoil his mood. When he had walked Nathaniel back to his room during prom, Benji had thought about making a move. The kind that involved hand holding and maybe—maybe—a good night kiss. But at some point Benji was simultaneously wound up and exhausted, he had simply waved, shy and sheepish, his whole brain fizzing out into a euphoric static. He had danced with Nathaniel, and there was that brief moment where he took a risk of putting his head on his shoulder. Small, baby steps—but they were steps in the right direction. ... which led Benji to take a few days to broach the subject with Nathaniel again, maybe over their semi-regular, non-Friday movie nights. Benji's invites had always been innocent, platonic because Nathaniel, more or less, had dictated that way. And Benji had been okay with that, even if his painfully obvious crush was withering with impatience in the corners of his mind. But after prom, after toeing the line between friends and more than friends, Benji had found this new determination to bring it up again. If Nathaniel was still feeling strange about romance and crappy exes (who didn't deserve Nathaniel, in Benji's opinion), would he have agreed to go as Benji's date? Would he have allowed Benji to be his date? There were so many questions, causing the teensiest deflation of Benji's clould-nine attitude since last weekend. It also caused Benji to get a little lightheaded, and his palms to sweat, and the nervousness to build. Could he handle the rejection? Would it actually be a rejection? Time to find out, over movies. The one thing that Benji felt mostly confident in discussing in regular conversation. Tucked together on his bed—laptop settled at one end, he and Nathaniel at the other—Benji spent more time stealing glances than watching the movie, despite it being his idea. He would watch it again, when he was not so distracted. Nathaniel had asked him questions, and Benji whispered them back, but in that autopilot way. The rest of his body was strung tight, torn between just blurting out what he was thinking, or just doing something about it. If he likes me, Benji thought, then he wouldn't mind. And Benji was sure that Nathaniel liked him. Maybe, eighty-twenty. He wasn't feeling super great about those odds, but nothing was ever truly in Benji's favor. The credits rolled, and Benji managed to lean over to stop the movie, still absently looking between Nathaniel's face and his gloved hand that he been so insanely close to him the whole time. "... I haven't been having much trouble with shifting this week. It's gotten better." I think because of you, he wanted to add, but bit his tongue from saying anything else. NATHANIEL: Prom had actually been incredible and Nathaniel was glad that he’d decided to go with Benji after all. Not that he’d thought that it would be bad or anything but it’d been a lot easier than anticipated to just let himself have fun dancing and goofing off instead of being preoccupied with all his baggage from back home. He had a feeling that much was true for a lot of his classmates as well. For one night they could all just be “normal-ish” teenagers enjoying a normal-ish teenage rite of passage together. It’d been kind of amazing. There’d been just one moment during the night when he and Benji had been slow dancing where reality had caught up to them and Nathaniel had almost pulled away. Benji had leaned in, rested his head on Nathaniel’s shoulder so unassumingly, his forehead only a few inches from the exposed skin of Nathaniel’s neck. It’d been enough to put Nathaniel on alert, extra careful not to let their faces touch accidentally, but it had been okay in the end. No power mishaps were had, no feelings had been hurt. All in all it’d been a good night and Nathaniel had found himself feeling strangely wistful once it was all said and done. He didn’t think that things would change afterwards. Or rather, Nathaniel had no expectations that they would. He knew that he couldn’t pursue more with Benji (or with anyone for that matter) and so mostly he tried not to let himself think about it too much. It was easier said than done and it wasn’t ideal by any means, but what other choice did he have? Feel sorry for himself all day? He was afraid to get his hopes up though he had indulged himself a little in his conversation with Taylor. Ultimately though it didn’t matter much what he wanted because the fact of the matter was that he couldn’t touch anyone without absorbing their thoughts and memories. Taking things to the next level relationship-wise just wasn’t an option. He and Benji would have to take solace in their friendship, even if it meant that sometimes Nathaniel’s thoughts started to drift painfully toward what if before he shoved them back down again. Meanwhile, their movie nights had become a weekly tradition, slowly working their way through the many cult classic films that Benji loved and that Nathaniel had somehow never seen before. Things he probably definitely wouldn’t have gotten around to watching on his own but that he liked watching with Benji. Nathaniel liked seeing the way his face lit up as he gave his commentary or insightfully explained plot points. As tonight’s selection (The Fantastic Mr. Fox) came to an end, Nathaniel stretched his arms up over his head while Benji hit pause on the laptop. “Okay, I kind of loved that one to be honest. And yeah, I noticed!” Nathaniel grinned when Benji mentioned his shifting, or his lack thereof rather. It was hard sometimes to see other people around him making real progress with their powers while Nathaniel himself still seemed no closer to being able to just shut his off. He knew though how difficult and uncomfortable Benji’s power made things for him and it was genuinely awesome that he was learning to control it better. “I don’t think I’ve seen you change in like a week. Is that a new record?” BENJI: "Yeah?" Benji asked, perking up a little at both liking the movie and noticing. Sometimes Benji thought he was the only person who was proud of his milestones. And while Benji hadn't really done much to consciously change his mental habits to avoid shifting, he knew that something this week was different than the others. It was obvious to him, and he wondered if anyone else would pick up on it. He wondered if Nathaniel would. He smiled, brilliantly, despite the tide of his nervousness rising and falling at every word that came out of Nathaniel's mouth. If anyone knew what was going on inside Benji's mind right now, they would laugh at how pathetic he was. But there was that small, weasel-like thought that if Nathaniel knew, he might be less embarrassed. If they touched and Nathaniel saw all those unabashedly fond thoughts Benji had about him that it would be okay. It would be okay. There was no need to hide it, why would he hide how he felt around a person—people—who cared about his feelings? He rubbed absently at the back of his neck, awkwardly hovering between resuming his spot (which felt gratuitous when they weren't watching the movie anymore) and just sitting down at the opposite end of the bed and keeping the space. So Benji did neither and shuffled on his knees to get a better spot; just staying somewhere in the middle. "I mean, I guess. I normally wasn't paying attention, because it usually doesn't happen this long, but then a few hours turned into a day, and then another day, and now it's a whole week and I don't know, I'm just feeling really... good?" Benji offered the word hesitantly, hinting at what he was sure Nathaniel would get, hoped he would get. I'm happy, I'm calm, it's you, it's you, it's you. Somewhere, rational thought was silenced—but it had managed to get out how unfair that it was of Benji to put that kind of pressure on Nathaniel. Even if Nathaniel didn't know. Benji's face definitely betrayed it though; he had that lost, doe-ish look about him. He rolled his lower lip between his teeth, and somewhere he took a breath (when did he stop breathing?) "Nathaniel, I—I had a really great time at prom. I don't know if I told you that yet, I must have. But I think, I don't know. I just think I haven't been shifting as much because I haven't so worried about being around—" You. Benji was excited, terrified, but not in the way that made him want to run. Terrified of the future, of getting things he wanted, of being enough. Confidence was a heady thing when he believed other people thought of him as more. His crush on Nathaniel was spiralling; words were filling his mouth, and he was ready to let them all go at once. No one there to stop him. But he settled on: "I didn't think you were going to say yes." NATHANIEL: “Yep,” Nathaniel said, matter-of-factly. “That’s really great about your powers though. Maybe it’s because you’re settled in and more comfortable here now. Like, since you’re around other mutants all the time you don’t have to worry about it as much as you did at home?” he theorized. He didn’t doubt for a second that mindset had a lot (if not everything) to do with it, but Nathaniel would never have attributed Benji’s progress to himself in any way. That was all Benji. That being said, Nathaniel wasn’t entirely ignorant or unobservant either. He knew that Benji had (and might still have) a crush on him and they’d sort of almost talked about it back when he’d initially asked Nathaniel to the Valentine’s Day dance. Nathaniel had tried to explain back then that it wasn’t at all that the interest was unrequited, it was just too complicated and it wasn’t the right time. They’d spent a lot of time together since then but they hadn’t talked about it again. Now, as Benji segued back to prom while moving a little closer towards Nathaniel the mood seemed to shift and Nathaniel wondered if maybe they should have. He really liked spending time with Benji but he was worried that he was being selfish in doing so. How would it be fair for Benji to have to settle for being with someone he couldn’t actually be with? Who couldn’t even touch him without messing everything up? In the end it would only hurt them both a lot more than staying friends would. At least, in Nathaniel’s opinion. “I didn’t think you were going to ask,” he responded, truthfully. “I guess prom just seemed like less pressure somehow? Which is weird I know, since it’s technically a bigger deal and all. But I’m so glad you asked and that we went. I had really good time too.” He fell quiet a moment then, trying to choose his next words carefully. He didn’t want to upset Benji or to make him think that his feelings were one-sided (because they weren’t) but at the same time, surely Benji had to know that there still couldn’t be more. “I think though... Maybe we should talk? About us, I mean,” he started. God, could he make it sound any more cliched? BENJI: "Maybe," Benji said, with a modest half-shrug. Maybe he was getting more comfortable here. Maybe he was getting a better grasp on his powers. Maybe after agonizing over every minute detail, and after his promise to Bebe—he reminded himself about that every day, it was good morning motivation—that maybe his powers were getting to be under control. Mind over matter over mind. But Benji knew that it wasn't only him. He couldn't take all the credit, not when he had other theories. Especially when those theories involved Nathaniel Carver, who was saying things like I'm glad you asked and I had a good time too. The blush on Benji's face was creeping down his neck, and his heart fluttered. Her rubbed blindly at his face, then his fingers through his hair; a nervous but useful habit, a way to low-key check if he was still himself. Granted he had done these bashful sort of gestures all his life, but now they served a purpose. And he was grateful, considering the conversation was steering toward something more serious, and likely what Benji was hinting at. Nathaniel had clearly picked up what he was awkwardly putting down. "Um, yeah. I think we should talk about... us, too," Benji said, a little breathless—he had wanted this, he was not expecting this. He collapsed gracelessly right where he was, not extremely close to Nathaniel, but close enough. They were sitting across from each other; no hiding allowed, no shying away, no shifting—these were all the rules Benji was laying out for himself in his head. If he was going to be upfront and honest with Nathaniel about his feelings, instead of just dancing around it until he couldn't stand being in his own skin, then he had to get himself under control. But one of the rules he never got around to was no babbling, because even though Nathaniel had prompted the conversation toward them, Benji was the first one to speak, "I like you, Nathaniel. I mean, I know you know. I guess I haven't been keeping it a very good secret. And maybe if you like me too, all of this could—" Benji reached for his hand, his fingertips trailing into Nathaniel's gloved palm, asking its own question. He had averted his eyes (breaking a rule!) to watch the way his hand looked with Nathaniel's—was it so long ago that they didn't have their powers, where he knew the intimate feeling of contact with the one person he never thought he could have it with? "Maybe this could work?" Benji asked, slowly lifting his gaze to meet Nathaniel's. Then he was leaning in, taking a risk. The biggest risk. Something Benji had dug down deep to find because he was feeling braver, confident, comfortable in what he wanted and what they were both heading toward. But the problem was, when he closed his eyes and kept leaning in, and leaning in, and leaning in, he believed that at some point there would be a meeting in the middle and there wasn't. Empty space met Benji's lips, which caused his eyes to flutter open. And it was not what he thought he would see. The silence that followed was too thick, too embarrassing, too charged with opposing forces. Benji pulled away. So not that kind of talk, then. He let out a soft, "oh." NATHANIEL: Nathaniel had hoped that maybe talking things out with Taylor the other day would make talking to Benji about this easier, but that wasn’t turning out to be the case. He knew that he had to do it though. Tonight was further proof that they needed to get on the same page. ...The problem though was that the more time that Nathaniel spent with Benji, the less certain he was about what exactly that page entailed. His eyes flicked down from Benji’s face to Benji’s hand, tensing instinctively when he felt that gentle, unexpected touch to his palm. Even though he was wearing gloves and long sleeves, Nathaniel couldn’t help but be hyper aware of Benji’s hand on his, though he didn’t pull away. It never used to be like this, this complex he’d developed about being touched. Always shirking away when it the last thing he wanted to do. He hated it. There was a lump in his throat, growing with every word that Benji was saying and Nathaniel swallowed hard, trying to force himself to speak around it. Maybe this could work. He wanted it to. He really wanted to believe that it could. And maybe it would work for a while. But at the end of the day, even if they decided right now that they were dating instead of just being friends, what would it really change? How long would it really be enough for? What if it ruined what they had now? He wanted to figure out a way that they could get through this together. Maybe if they talked it out then... “Benji, I-” Nathaniel glanced up and sucked in a sharp breath, whatever he’d been about to say falling away the moment he realized what was happening. He yanked his hand free from Benji’s and scooted back before the small distance between them could be closed, his shoulders thunking against the wall behind him in his haste, his knees drawn up almost defensively in front of him. He definitely hadn’t seen that coming and he couldn’t keep the shocked hurt off his face now that it had. “What are you doing?” he asked tightly. “Benji, why would you do that? You know I can’t-” That lump in his throat was back with a vengeance now, making it hard to breathe. He felt betrayed. “You know why I can’t.” BENJI: Oh no. Benji thought he was going to be sick. The look on Nathaniel's face went from surprise, to something more complicated, something Benji never thought possible. And especially not from him. The way he pulled back, like Benji was someone to be feared. There was a moment, or two, where his heart might have stopped. And then Benji was moving away, putting a gaping distance between them on his bed. He couldn't find his voice, where was his voice? "I-I'm sorry, I didn't—I thought, I..." Benji was stuttering, trying to back pedal. He was so stupid. In what world did he think that was a good idea? Why did he go do something so terrible, so—and there. Right there was when Benji's stomach did a complicated flip. Was it really so terrible? Okay, so maybe he didn't ask for consent, and maybe things were a bit torturous when it came to physical contact, but was it really that terrible that Nathaniel had to pull away? And if they had kissed, Benji had never lied about how he felt to other people, so would it be so bad if Nathaniel saw his thoughts and feelings? They were one in the same, they always had been. His brows furrowed, his mouth turned down into a little frown, his eyes burned. It was rejection at its finest. Benji thought he could mitigate the blowback of it, but it hurt far worse than he anticipated, it was heavy, physical ache in his chest that wouldn't give up, like he would. After spending so much of his life thinking he wasn't good enough, here was the visible and undeniable proof that he wasn't. He sounded hoarse, wrecked, when he asked, "But why?" The question was loaded—and while Benji's why could have meant everything (why not him, why not them, why couldn't he be that person for Nathaniel), he went with something easier (maybe) to have Nathaniel explain. "You know I don't care about those things, you know that I—" Benji looked upset, torn. His face scrunching up trying to stop the own obvious confused hurt that was threatening to creep into every aspect. He was also trying very, very hard not to shift. This mind over matter thing didn't work when his mind was a mess and everything mattered. "I thought you liked me, and if we can't kiss, it doesn't, it doesn't matter. That's not why I tried to, and I wouldn't—I wouldn't be like that. I don't understand." And in some ways, Benji was admitting he hadn't really understood in the beginning either. Not for lack of trying, but would he ever be able to understand another person's powers like he did his own? It came with their own caveats, painful memories and limitations, a lifetime of self-doubt. Benji could sympathize, but not empathize, and he was getting a crash course on how important the difference was right now. NATHANIEL: The little bit of hope that Nathaniel had just let start to creep in was gone now. He’d thought that Benji at least understood where he was coming from but it’d been made very clear that was not the case. And apparently never had been. That part was largely Nathaniel’s fault and now the distance between them was growing, both literally and figuratively. Nathaniel had been with other guys before, been in other relationships, and while he knew the physical part definitely wasn’t the most important, it was hard for him to imagine a relationship without it. There was nothing wrong with Benji’s comparative inexperience, but the difference between them was becoming more and more obvious. Maybe it meant that they had never been a good match to begin with. “I do like you, Benji, it’s not about you!” Nathaniel scrubbed a gloved hand over his face and took a deep breath. He didn’t want to argue. “I know you think it’s not a big deal, and maybe it wouldn’t be at first but I don’t want to see all of your thoughts and memories. I’m not okay with it,” he started again, more quietly this time. “And it’s not because I think you’re hiding something from me or I think you’re lying to me, I know that you’re not dishonest. It’s because it makes things weird and unequal and I’m not any closer to being able to turn it off. I might never be able to. I do want to be able to kiss you but I’d never be able to just kiss you. You’d never be able to keep things private from me. I’d never able to forget whatever I saw.” He couldn’t help but think of Luke and how awful it had been when they’d bumped into each other. The devastated way Luke had looked at Nathaniel after he’d dredged up so much pain and regret, after all of his closely guarded secrets had been ripped out of him. Even though they’d spoken since and made amends as best they could, that incident was never going to go away for either of them. And sure, Benji’s history wasn’t traumatic in the same way that Luke’s had been, but that didn’t mean seeing it wouldn’t irreparably complicate things either. Granted... Nathaniel didn’t actually know what would happen if he touched the same person twice because he’d never tried it before. He just assumed that the same thing would happen every time or that maybe he would just get the person’s latest memories, the ones that had been made since the last time they’d touched. ...Which wouldn’t be quite as bad. But in training he stuck to mental exercises and reading inanimate objects because he’d only ever had bad experiences when it came to reading people. He knew that he was going to have to sort that out at some point but he wasn’t exactly eager to do so. Not that it made much difference right now. “If it didn’t matter then you wouldn’t have done that,” Nathaniel responded, unable to keep the waver of sadness out of his voice. “You weren’t even going to give me a choice.” BENJI: Everything was starting to hurt, really hurt. Not just mentally, but physically. His own body felt out of sync; every word he spoke, every move he made, every breath he took were never what he intended. Everything was coming out wrong, and he didn't know if he should just be quiet in order to save himself further embarrassment or say something to try and fix what he had done, was still doing. Benji felt like he was in a losing game, and therefore it hurt to not win. To not have some kind of goal that was obtainable. His expression started to go numb, the kind of one that spoke of resignation, confusion. He couldn't figure out which was worse—the fact that Nathaniel was saying he knew these things about Benji (he didn't think Benji was dishonest, he did like him, he did want to kiss him) or the fact that it didn't matter, it wasn't about Benji, he didn't give him a choice. Benji visibly flinched at that one. All he could keep asking himself was how could he be so stupid? How did he think it was okay, and why did he think that his feelings in this mattered? "I made a mistake," Benji said suddenly, blurted it all out with much more fierceness than he had ever mustered in front of another person. "I made a mistake, but..." His chin dropped to his chest, hiding his face, his voice, knowing that whatever he was trying to do right now was not going to cover up the fact he was shifting too. Benji's heart felt something close to crushed, obliterated with his naive mistakes. Could he shift that into someone else's too? It would be helpful to be another person, someone with a steelier will, unbreakable resolve. Someone not him. "But you knew, didn't you? You knew that I liked you and how could I not? How could— I know it's not about me, but it's about both of us. And there was a choice, and if you, you believe all those things about me, and I believe all those things about you, then maybe you already made a choice before I even—before I even tried to." Benji made a small, sad, frustrated sound, gesturing at his own mouth. Kissing felt like such a complicated word to say right now. Backpedalling from it was the only way. "It's never—You were never..." The slow realization was dawning on him. Their friendship would only be a friendship, and there would be nothing more. Nathaniel would never see anything more. And when he did, if he did, Benji realized that it probably wouldn't be with him. Of course it wouldn't. Benji Deeds was not the person people thought of that way. "I think—" And his voice then was different, softer, not his own. What a poor time for his mutation to manifest Nathaniel's voice in his own throat. That only made it worse. And if his powers were being as terrible as possible, he wouldn't be able to stop mimicking Nathaniel until he left. Because Benji couldn't leave his own room, could he? His eyes went to the door rather conspicuously, broadcasting his irrational choice. "I should leave, you should—" He was climbing off the bed, folding his arms into himself, as if he could physically hold himself back from shifting anymore. NATHANIEL: This was going completely wrong, again, and Nathaniel had no idea how to set it right. It felt like no matter what he said or did this mess of indecision and miscommunication he’d gotten himself into was ruining everything. He didn’t know what the solution was. He liked Benji but he was also angry with him too. Just like he was angry with himself and his powers. “I do know but Benji, you’re not listening to me,” he said frustratedly, swinging his legs over the side of the bed to stand up though he didn’t move to follow after Benji. Nathaniel was the one that needed to leave and he was going to, but not before he made sure that they weren’t having what felt like the same exact misunderstanding all over again. Whatever else happened he just wanted Benji to understand that Nathaniel’s limitations were not his fault. “I’m trying to tell you that it has nothing to do with how much I like you. Because I do like you. You just... obviously want something from me that I can’t give you,” he insisted, wishing that Benji would turn around and face him even if it meant that he’d be looking at a mirror reflection of himself. He’d grown used to seeing Benji’s features change and shift and it generally didn’t bother him at all but now that it was happening again after they’d just talked about how it’d stopped, Nathaniel felt horribly guilty. It was tangible evidence that this wasn’t working out. “I’m sorry if it felt like I was leading you on or something... I just. I want things to be different too because it’s not fair for either one of us. But it’s not an option right now and I thought...” he trailed off, shaking his head. It didn’t matter what he thought before. Benji was really upset and trying to leave and Nathaniel was just making everything worse. He didn’t want to leave him alone like this but it was clear that they needed time apart. “No. Benji. I’ll go. I’m sorry, I’ll go,” Nathaniel said quietly, crossing the room. He didn’t know what else to do so he just kept walking until he was back inside his own room down the hall, the door closed behind him. Then he yanked his gloves off and hurled them at his closet, using his newly bare hands to scrub the hot tears from his face. |