z. s. luther {javert} (![[info]](https://www.insanejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} sentinelstar) wrote in ![[info]](https://www.insanejournal.com/img/community.gif){kind=small} bellumlogs,@ 2010-07-23 09:46:00 |
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| Entry tags: | javert, wicked witch |
Who: Luther, Joanie, and Joanie's family
What: A big family dinner
Where: Charleston, South Carolina
When: July 23rd, at dinnertime
Warnings: Extreme funny
After a long day of driving, Luther and Joanie had arrived at her parents' home in Charleston late Thursday night. Her aunt, uncle, and little cousins were all there while her parents stayed in the hospital. They were welcomed with exuberant hugs, invasive questions, and enough drinks to make all the adults a little bit dizzy before finally heading to bed. The next morning, everyone was up at nine o'clock and stuffed with a big breakfast. Despite Joanie's protests, she and Luther were both put to work immediately. After all, her father was set to be discharged that afternoon, and Batty Mattie was determined to have the house looking perfect for his return.
In the morning, Luther was tasked with folding laundry while Joanie straightened up the living room and bathrooms. They took a break for lunch before receiving new assignments. Before Mattie could sentence Luther, Eric casually mentioned that he needed some help fixing the lawn mower. Because the lawn had to be mowed for Patrick's homecoming, Mattie accepted this excuse and sent the men off to the shed while Joanie and Libby cleaned the kitchen and did all the dishes.
Though the lawn mower wasn't in very bad shape - Eric just had to replace one of the blades - the task took three hours. When it was clear that they could no longer procrastinate, Eric deemed the mower fixed and ready for use. Deciding who would mow the lawn was a swift task. Mattie claimed that she and Eric were both exempt because they were old, and that Luther couldn't do it because of his leg. Libby had just had her nails done, so of course she couldn't do it, and Sarah was too petite to wield the mower. And so through the process of elimination, it was Joanie that got to mow the lawn, front and back of the house.
Joanie's parents arrived in the early evening. Her father, to his credit, didn't seem particularly disturbed by the fact that he had had a heart attack just days prior. He seemed to be in good health, laughing and talking with his family as if nothing had happened. Her mother, by contrast, was very tightly reserved and said very little, if anything at all. The evening was spent leisurely, with Joanie hogging the bathroom for forty-five minutes as she scrubbed all the sweat and errant blades of grass out of her pores.
And so it came to be that it was dinnertime, and Mattie had turned the kitchen into a veritable fortress. The oven and stove were both on, filling the room with a heady sort of heat that made Joanie thankful for the fact that she was wearing one of her dad's wifebeaters and a pair of terrycloth shorts. Her bare feet were still proudly sporting green toenails, a detail Joanie had missed until Libby pointed it out. But now was not the time for family rivalries. Because it was time to cook.
"Jaybird?" Mattie called over her shoulder, turning around with a potato peeler in hand. "Sweetie, come over here, I need you to peel these potatoes and then mash 'em." Pulling a black hairband from around her wrist - she always had at least four on her left arm whenever she came near the kitchen - Mattie buzzed behind Joanie and twisted a hand in her damp hair, pulling it up into a high ponytail despite sounds of protest. Patting her niece on the shoulder, Mattie sent her off towards the potatoes. "Go on, scoot!" she commanded. As Joanie obeyed and began grumpily peeling potatoes, Mattie glanced about the kitchen with a frown. Libby and Sarah were working on the pie for dessert, and she was handling the chicken. But the other veggies weren't going to clean themselves, and she didn't have the time. "Jaybird, sweetie?" Joanie grunted in response. "Where's your friend? I need someone to wash and prepare the veggies."
Smirking, Joanie shrugged. "I don't know, Aunt Mattie," she said with fake innocence. "Why don't you call for him?"
Mattie nodded. "Okay, then. You keep peelin'." Wiping her hands on her apron, she leaned out of the kitchen and called into the house. "Luther! Luther, I need some help here, sugar!"
Though he'd been given warning about Joanie's family - complete with quick run-downs and individual advice for each - Luther quickly found himself overwhelmed by the Southern family. He'd been pulled inside with open arms and immediately accepted into things. He hadn't intended to stay with them - he could afford a hotel for a few nights - but the room was welcome. Paying for rent via chores was more debatable.
Eric was immediately categorized as the most bearable of the Wicker clan (despite being a Cunningham). The fact that he was a lawyer scored a few points in his book. Mattie was too invading with her endearments and forceful personality - the two girls were considered along the lines of Gabby, avoided as much as possible due to their age. He couldn't hide his distaste for teenagers no matter how hard he tried (which granted wasn't very hard, after what he heard from Joanie.) Chores left and right at least distracted his mind and gave a good excuse for avoiding people.
He'd been downstairs, attempting to pull out his phone to attempt to use the internet off of it - a new feature he'd discovered after Joanie had pointed it out earlier - to check the forums and make sure Bellum hadn't been blown up. The shout from Mattie made him wince though and like a reprimanded child, he tucked it away and headed for the kitchen. His limp was more pronounced today than usual and his t-shirt continued to stick to him. He scanned the kitchen and business before a sinking feeling took a hold of his stomach. Fuck, he'd already put back together their lawn mower - what else did he have to do? "What can I help with?"
Though her back was to the door Luther walked through, Joanie could see him in her mind's eye. The oppressive heat hadn't done him any favors, leaving him sticky. She had noticed his limp before, which was the only reason she hadn't protested Mattie's exclusion of him from the "who gets to mow the lawn" pool. Slicing an eye off a potato, she glanced over her shoulder to see him standing before Mattie and looking like a kid that was about to get scolded.
"The vegetables," Mattie said matter-of-factly. "They need to be washed. Then the carrots should be peeled and sliced. Oh, and the asparagus has to be cut. We've got a second peeler in the silverware drawer." Smiling, she gestured to the three bowls of vegetables - carrots, asparagus, and green beans. "Okay? Thanks, sweetie." With that, she flitted off to work on the chicken.
Snickering darkly, Joanie glanced over to Luther as he joined her at the kitchen counter, their work stations side by side. "No one escapes from Batty Mattie," she said quietly, peeling a potato and dropping it in the "complete" bowl. "How are you holding up?"
There wasn't any chance of denying Mattie. Luther shifted from foot to foot before helplessly looking to Joanie. He sent her a dark look before moving to the sink. "No problem," he said in a tight voice to Mattie. Getting out a collander, the began washing the vegetables.
"I'd call you immature but it's the truth," he muttered to her. He shifted his weight onto his good leg, miming with a carrot a so-so gesture. "I'll live. You?"
She raised a brow at his comment, slicing an eye off a potato. "Immature? Me?" She gasped in mock shock before taking off another strip of skin, snorting. "You wound me."
The wobbly carrot made her laugh - solidifying his "immature" comment - and she sighed. "I'm fine. I know they're...a little weird." She frowned. Her dad was acting like everything was fine. Normal, even. And her mom was locked up tighter than Fort Knox. It was creepy. "But...I appreciate your not arresting them all for Criminal Loonacy."
He rolled his eyes, continuing with the carrots. "Just by stating the truth?" From the corner came a sudden laugh from Joanie's cousins and he glanced at them. They continued to hover over the pie, twittering and looking over at him and Joanie. As one attempted to catch his eye, he looked to Mattie at the stove. She seemed fairly absorbed in her work now that people were occupied with jobs - and he wasn't going to change it. Looking back to Joanie, he shrugged.
"I'm not allowed to do that," he said softly. "I need a doctor and some evidence on tape." He shrugged once more, finishing with the carrots and getting the next bowl of vegetables. "I don't have much to compare it to mind - Mattie would scare Rodriguez."
As he looked about the kitchen, she followed suit. After knowing Luther for a few months, Joanie had gotten into the habit of looking wherever he looked. She trusted his instincts as a cop and a sane human being, so anything that she could pick up or learn from him would only behoove her. In this situation, though, she merely saw her obnoxious little cousins giggling and whispering while Libby sent a pointed smirk her way. Sarah looked mildly ill, and Joanie didn't need super hearing to know what that venomous little blonde had said. Her hand tightened around a potato as she sliced a long piece from its side, imagining that the potato was Libby's face.
When they looked back to her work, she snorted. "I was joking," she said with a roll of her eyes. "I wasn't serious, Jesus." As he mentioned Mattie being scary, she smirked. Keeping her voice low, she leaned a bit closer to him so she could talk without being heard. "I wouldn't be surprised. Once I thought she was taking drugs, you know. Amphetamines or something. But there's nothing. She really is this perky." She pulled back, flashing her eyebrows up in cautious surprise before peeling another potato.
Luther focused on the asparagus, dilligently washing each stem. He wasn't any cook - he normally ate out or did fast food - but he could wash things. It wasn't too difficult, all things considered even if it wasn't his forte. "Give me a warning next time," he said, an elbow going to her side.
Bowl placed aside, he glanced back at Mattie. "No, there'd be more obvious signs..." No one could keep that up that constantly, even with a steady of supply of drugs. There were off-times and the end results. His mouth twisted slightly and he turned back to his asparagus. "She's never stopped since I got here. Does she sleep?" He'd been too exhausted after driving too notice.
The elbow at her side made her snort, and she rolled her eyes. "I shouldn't have to tell you every time I make a joke," she said. "That's the point of having a sense of humor. So you can just know this stuff."
She wasn't sure entirely how she came to be standing in her parents' kitchen, discussing whether or not her aunt was on drugs. But man, was it funny. "Like birds singing to her?" she asked slyly. "And that was a joke." At his question, she snorted. "I think so. But it might be like...the way sharks sleep. How they never actually stop moving. She might be asleep right now."
"Maybe you need to improve yours," Luther said, smirking slightly. "If you're not making it obvious then your joke telling skills need to be improved.
He shook his head, finishing up the asparagus and going for the greenbeans. "That's a frightening thought-" Another glance towards the busy woman, before he shook his head again. "No, she'd have down time. It's visible in the eyes and nervous habits. You really can't miss it if you live with them." No, if someone in your family was on drugs and you didn't report it - you were covering. Rarely if ever was one oblivious.
Her eyes widened as he accused her sense of humor of needing work. "I do not!" she hissed, staring at him incredulously. "My skills are great. You're just thick." She stuck her tongue out childishly before peeling another potato.
As he began to explain how to spot a drug dealer, Joanie fell quiet. Of course he'd know. With his mom and all. Her expression grew somber as she thought about it more, dropping a peeled potato in the "finished" bowl. "Yeah," she said uselessly. "I-" She broke off as a loud giggling from Sarah punctured the relative silence in the kitchen.
"My gosh," she whispered, looking from Libby to Luther. "Do ya think?"
The blonde barbie doll nodded, a vicious smile on her ruby lips. "Uh huuuuuuh," she drawled, pressing the tines of a fork into the pie's finished crust for effect. When Joanie looked at them, the teenager waggled her fingers in greeting. Joanie fumed.
A low laugh escaped him and he shook his head. "Watch it. You know what they say about sticking your tongue out." Though comments on torture were more serious about him, he smirked slightly as he said it. Don't worry, he didn't mean it.
He hadn't meant to kill the mood and he glanced up from his green beans in time to hear Sarah and Libby causing trouble. His eyebrows narrowed, glancing once to Mattie before back to the teeangers. He didn't need to look at Joanie to know her reaction. Well fuck.
Luther reached for a towel to dry his hands, beofre turning against the counter, back pressed against it. "What's that girls? We couldn't quite hear you over here."
Was that a teasing threat from Inspector Serious Pants? Instead of being put off, she grinned. "Don't worry," she said. "I'll keep it nice and safe." She clucked her tongue against the roof of her mouth for emphasis.
As Luther addressed the girls, Joanie clenched. Fucking Libby. She had always hated that little brat, and she always seemed to get away with her bullshit. At Luther's question, Mattie glanced up momentarily from her chicken. While Sarah shrank slightly behind her big sister, Libby remained cool and composed. "Oh nothin', Mister Inspector," she drawled sweetly. "I was just sayin' to my sister that I bet you catch real bad guys, just like they do on TV."
Suddenly, Joanie's grip on the potato peeler was less conducive to vegetable peeling and better suited to slicing up an obnoxious cousin.
He rolled his eyes and finished up the green beans. With his back to the counter as he faced the two Cunningham Criminals (yes, all annoying people were termed that). He ignored Mattie for the time being, lips pressed into a firm line. The sugary sweetness wasn't working on him - not with how Joanie's grip tightened on her potato peeler. An elbow went to her side again, before he pulled open the drawer Mattie had indicated earlier, getting the other peeler out.
"What else would I do besides that?" His tone was careless and purposefully so. He didn't dare look to Joanie as he added, "I only arrest fictional characters clearly. A productive way to spend time."
He looked up to see several jaws drop. Ah. Joanie better thank him later.
It took every ounce of control Joanie possessed to not launch herself at Libby and brutally beat her to a bloody pulp. The sheer fact that there was a cop in the room kept her from doing that, though she still trembled with the desire to smash her cousin's face in. As Luther spoke, she looked up at him, almost afraid of what he was going to say.
When he finished his comments, she bit down hard on her lower lip to keep from bursting out laughing. Eyes wide, she looked down at her shoes as she tried not to laugh. It only worked for a few seconds, and she eventually had to turn her back on the room to giggle into the potatoes.
"Well, I-" Libby floundered, eyes huge as she stared at Luther. "Yeah, I guess...that would make sense..." Her voice tapered into an embarrassed whisper as she looked down at her pie. Mattie merely nodded and went back to her chicken, happy to ignore the whole thing.
Glancing over at Luther, Joanie grinned. "You are awesome," she whispered.
He turned back with a pleased smirk as the kitchen settled back into normal. He picked up the peeler, attempting to peel the carrots as Joanie whispered to him. The grin he sent her was roguish and far from himself. "Sometimes. Be thankful I didn't tell them how much of a witch their dear cousin is."
There was some hushed whispers from behind him and he rolled his eyes. "Do they ever stop?"
When he mentioned how witchy she truly was, she snorted. "Yeah, they'd just say they knew already." She returned his grin with one of her own, a broad smile full of mischief.
At his question, she rolled her eyes. "No," she said, peeling the last potato and dropping it in the bowl. "That's why we're taking beer with dinner instead of sweet tea." With that, she dumped out the peels and began to add the spices to the bowl of potatoes before beginning to mash them.
"It would still be amusing," he said, continuing with the carrots. He'd never peeled one before though and Mattie glanced over to see how he was doing. Her expression screwed up in distaste as she shoved him aside, washed her hands in the sink and took the peeler from him. Luther grimaced as she went on, getting through a carrot in the time it took him to make one careful scrape.
"Sweetie, you have to hold the peeler like this. You scrape like that, got it?" Before Luther could answer the peeler was back in his hands and she was bustling about once more. Twittering came from behind and Luther's hands clenched the peeler tightly.
"I'm going to need that beer sooner," he muttered.
"Says you," she snorted. As she pounded the potatoes, Mattie came over and took over the vegetable station. It was all Joanie could do to not laugh at Luther's confusion as Mattie showed him the proper way to peel a carrot. Biting the inside of her cheek, she watched as he resumed control of his station. Before leaving, Mattie checked on the mashed potatoes, shoving Joanie aside and showing her the proper way to mash before going back to fuss with the chicken.
At his comment, she grinned. "Come on, you can do it," she whispered. "If I can handle this, you can."
Luther shook his head, only mildly amused when Mattie repeated the motions for Joanie. He peeled and cut away, time moving by quickly - the asparagus was gotten through as well, as Joanie mashed. They got through the rest of their vegetables, Libby and Sarah's twitterings growing with each stem of asparagus he cut.
When he was finally done, he moved to the sink to wash his hands. Sarah burst into a set of giggles as Libby said, "I declare, it is true. Ask her."
Luther bit back a groan, grabbing a towel from nearby. Interrupting, he asked Mattie, "Your vegetables are done." Ma'am just sounded too subservient, even if he'd been browbeaten into this.
Thankfully, they finished the task at hand. As Sarah started to giggle, Joanie took a slow breath in, turning to face the girls with a death glare. Neither responded, and instead seemed to be encouraged.
As Luther announced the veggies to be done, Mattie looked over at him with a big grin. "Thanks, sugar," she said, walking over to collect them. "You did me a huge favor, fixing those. Now you go rest up before dinner, you hear?" Shooing him away, she began to arrange the veggies in pans for cooking.
Free as well, Joanie went to follow Luther into the living room when Sarah stopped her. "Uh," she said, face flushed as she glanced between Libby and Joanie. When the blonde gave her a nod of encouragement, she looked up at her older cousin. "Is Mister Inspector your boyfriend, Jay?"
Choking, Joanie stared at her, wide-eyed. She wasn't sure if she wanted to shoot Sarah or herself. Maybe both. Clearing her throat, she looked to Libby in shock. The other girl smiled devilishly. "That's..." she started awkwardly, looking over to Mattie. "Aunt Mattie!"
"Hmmm?" she asked, looking up from the chicken. Not bothered, she shrugged. "It's a legitimate question," she said. "Your daddy will want to know, I'm sure." She raised a brow at them both, clearly expecting an answer.
"No!" Joanie screeched. "No, don't be gross!" This only made Libby and Sarah laugh harder.
Though admitttedly Luther just didn't do well with affection, Mattie's tossing out of endearments kept throwing him off. He backed out of the kitchen eagerly, hovering by the door until Joanie came too - he didn't want to face everyone by himself. Not when he might be roped into something else - and besides it was her family.
Sarah's interruption and questions though made his mouth go dry. His expression turned into distaste for a variety of reasons - Joanie was for one thing his friend the closest one he had ever had, he was nearly old enough to be her father, and the simple fact that he'd never been attracted to her. He expected the busy Aunt to say something and reprimand her daughters - as she seemed so quick to criticize Joanie and Luther - and his jaw dropped as she shrugged it off. Fuck. Great. Just what he needed for people to think he was a pedophile. He facepalmed, as Joanie screeched.
"Contrary to popular belief, two people can be just friends despite being of the opposite sex. And Mister Inspector can answer questions." He tugged Joanie out, hearing more riotous laughter.
It was a good thing that Luther dragged her out of the kitchen after him. Otherwise, Joanie might have pinned Libby to the wall and beaten her face black and blue. As it stood, she was swept out before she could do anything and thus Libby was spared a scene of graphic violence.
They spent the next hour avoiding the rest of her family, hiding out on the back porch. Nobody bothered them until dinnertime, when Eric stepped out onto the porch. "Hey," he said, smiling slightly. He was dressed in a nice pair of slacks and a clean shirt, significantly better attire than he had been wearing earlier that day. "Dinner's almost ready." He paused, glancing between them with an apologetic expression. "And y'all should get dressed. Mattie's decided Sunday best for this occasion."
Biting back a sigh of disappointment, Joanie nodded. "Thanks, Uncle Eric," she said, standing. Glancing to Luther, she beckoned to him as she followed her uncle into the house.
She had tried to wear jeans, but Mattie had sent her back before she could even finish coming down the stairs. After a brief argument, Joanie was sent up to her room to put on a proper outfit for their nice dinner. And so it happened that Joanie walked into the living room - which was packed with the family members, all in their nice clothes, waiting to enter the dining room - wearing a purple dress and sandals. Her hair was brushed and worn down, loose in waves. Biting her lip, she stood awkwardly at the edge of the room, looking around at the other faces before her gaze fell to her feet.
Luther hadn't packed anything better than jeans, but Eric quietly advised that he changed before Mattie could say anything. He was leant a pair of slacks to wear with a blue polo shirt. Not the worst thing to happen and he wasn't really looking forward to getting on the woman's temperous side. He waited downstairs with the others, awkwardly avoiding the customary questions about what was it exactly he did and was Joanie really behaving up there in New York City. Her arrival down the stairs made him brighten - until he realized she was in a dress.
Though on occasion Luther did remember Joanie was ...well, female, it was a bit of a mind-fuck to see her in a dress and fancy. He bit his lip to keep from chuckling, glancing away from Joanie - not wanting to laugh - and to the nearest set of eyes. Unfortunately those were Sarah's as she pulled a face at him. Great.
He expected everyone to make a big deal about Joanie being dressed up - it being as rare to him as it was to them - but people seemed all too eager to shuffle into the dining room. He was sanwhiched between Libby and Joanie's mother (whose name he couldn't remember) across from Joanie. Forcing himself to keep his expression neutral, he fought to get through this - he was supposed to be here for support after all.
Though Luther had, to his credit, maintained control, Joanie could see the amusement in his face. It turned her face red with anger, and for a moment she almost lashed out at him in front of her entire family. But she kept her cool. She stayed calm, even when Libby shot her venomous looks and Sarah made faces. Counting to ten in her head, she allowed herself to be herded into the dining room. Sitting across from Luther, she sat beside her aunt and youngest cousin. Her father and uncle took their places at the heads of the table, facing one another cordially.
After a short grace, they all dug in. Plates were passed around, and the table was a clattering of silverware. Everybody complimented the food, and Mattie humbly accepted the praise. When the normal stuff died down, Patrick - Joanie's father - cleared his throat and glanced over to Luther.
"So, Inspector," he said with an easy smile. "How'd you say it is you met my little girl? You're not her parole officer, are you?"
Clenching, Joanie looked over at him. "Dad," she hissed.
"What? You've always had a temper, Jaybird. Don't know where you got it, either."
Mattie tapped her chin thoughtfully. "Our mother had a pretty fierce temper," she offered.
Patrick shook his head. "Naw, Mattie, mama knew when to quit." He laughed good-naturedly, taking a sip of his sweet tea before looking to Luther expectantly.
It wasn't often that Luther got a home cooked meal and despite everything that had led up to it, he enjoyed it. He dug into a large helping of everything, surprising himself as being one of the more earnest complimenters. A forkful of chicken was half-way to his moouth when the questions began. It was probably a good thing he hadn't been chewing at the time.
The interruptions were foreign to him and Luther tried a few times to speak up before Patrick turned to him. He swallowed nothing and coughed. "Nothing like that. Joanie and I met-" Shortly after our first transformation into fictional counterparts. She was testing the building. I had been stabbed. We managed to get along pretty nicely after. "In an elevator. Our building is a little...strange in some regards." He grimaced, clearly not saying anything more.
"Our elevator doesn't behave. I intended to head out - Joanie was trying to test it-" Luther glanced at her clearly struggling. How the fuck did you explain Bellum to people who would call you crazy? "We ended up talking and-" She made me a cane via her newfound magical powers. "Things took off from there. We've kept an eye out for each other." He looked to Patrick, offering the best reassuring smile that he could. "She's done a good job of keeping out of trouble, considering where we are."
Watching Luther dance was painful, but Joanie didn't step in. Two awkward dancers didn't make things better - it just prolonged the dance. So she sat quietly, watching Luther sympathetically and sipping her beer. When he finally finished, managing to explain the building just enough to keep them all satisfied, Joanie offered him a faint smile. Good job, bro was in her eyes.
"Oh yeah? I've never been to New York myself for longer than a week or two, but I always thought that city was trouble." Shaking his fork, Patrick frowned. "I told Jaybird, here, that she should've chosen a nicer city. Warmer. Better people, and so forth." He shrugged, taking a sip of his tea. "But she's taken a real shine to it."
Eric cleared his throat, glancing to Dolly. "Well she spent a lot of time there, growing up."
Dolly nodded, face almost frozen. It seemed that she hadn't changed expressions since she had arrived at the house, her features always arranged into a careful if not bland display. "Yes, she did. How is Harold, by the way?"
Joanie looked across the table at her mother, temporarily surprised that she had been addressed. "Uncle Zim?" she asked automatically. "He's good. He'n Aunt Kris came to visit me not too long ago."
"Did they?" Dolly asked, voice surprised though her face barely showed it. "That's very nice," she said as she took a bite of her chicken.
As Joanie's parents and Mattie all began a conversation about visiting the Zuckermans, Eric looked to Luther and took a sip of his beer. "So, Luther. Are you from New York originally, or did you migrate in?"
He took an eager gulp of his beer when the conversation picked up again. He didn't expect to get in another word unless a question was directed towards him. Exchanging a grimacing smile with Joanie, he turned to Eric. "I'm from LA actually. Been on the road for the last few years." Twelve. "Work brought me into New York." Which he was neglecting. "And I ended up in Bellum." And was now a fictional character. "
Libby elbowed in from the side. "Los Angeles is a terrible city, so I've heard." Her eyelashes fluttered slightly. "Is it?"
Luther took a deep breath, eyes moving to Eric who seemed to just be watching. "Between the drug gangs, the level of crime, and the smog - terrible might be an understatement. Rumors are good for somethings. It's less dangerous than New York." Some days. Bellum could probably give it a run for it's money.
Perfect. Joanie had to give Luther credit - he was really doing well. Though she could tell he wanted to hang himself - she'd join him if she could - he was handling himself very well around these crazy people. She had to thank him later for doing all of this. Though it was embarrassing for him to witness all this - their eccentricities, Libby, the way they would talk about each other like they weren't even in the same room - it was nice to have somebody around that she could trust had her back.
Eric nodded as Luther explained Los Angeles. "Well, that's mighty bleak," he said with a shake of his head. "But I'm glad New York's looking good to you. It's important to find somewhere you love and stick with it. I was born in North Carolina, but I just can't get enough for Columbia." He shook his head, smile growing teasing. "Might have something to do with my wife, but...maybe not."
Joanie snorted into her beer, sparing a smile for her uncle. She managed to have all the cool uncles, it seemed. "People are a good reason to stay places," she said, expression clouding slightly as she looked to Luther. That comment said a thousand more things than anyone else at the table would have understood.
Was New York permanent? The question crossed his mind as Eric and Joanie implied staying. His lease on Bellum was a month-by-month deal, something he'd negotiated for when he moved in in February. If he had a tip for Valjean leaving the city, would he take it? His expression turned grim for a moment, not sending any smile to Joanie and he looked to his plate.
A change of subject clearly was necessary. "Why Columbia?"
At Luther's question, Eric launched into a fond description of his current home city. Joanie tuned out, happy that her uncle was at least trying to make things easier for her friend. The rest of the dinner went fairly well, with her parents conversing largely with her aunt while her obnoxious cousins whispered across the table.
As it came to dessert, Mattie doled out slices of the girls' pecan pie while all eyes fell to the head of the table. Patrick took another sip of his sweet tea before looking to Luther. "Now I don't see a wedding ring on your finger, son. You ever been married?"
Joanie stared at her dad, eyes wide. "Dad," she hissed, fingers digging into the table. Dredging up Luther's past romantic failures and angst was not what they needed to do right now. "Don't you think that's a bit personal?"
"Nonsense, Jaybird, he's your friend, isn't he?" He nodded when she didn't protest. "Then he's family." Undeterred, he looked to Luther. "So? I'm living vicariously, I think, since I don't think I'll ever get to walk a girl down the aisle."
Luther took a piece of pie as it was passed, grimacing at Patrick's question. The last thing he wanted to do was discuss his endless failures in the romance department with these people he barely knew. It had taken several bottles of beer to tell Joanie and he trusted more than he did anyone else. The mention of being considered family though stunned him into silence.
"I-" He cleared his throat, before shrugging. "Not exactly. There was this mock wedding I was in once. It's a long story-" Involving Bellum being fucking batshit. Grimacing at the thought of Katya and what it had led to, he added softly. "That would be it."
It was cruel of him but a change of subject was necessary - he didn't want to think of any of that now. "I wouldn't be so pessimistic. Joanie's dating a real tiger."
The mention of the mock wedding made her cringe. Fuck her dad. Fuck him, fuck him, fuck him. This was why she didn't like to come home. They never knew when to leave it alone. They never knew when something was too awkward or too painful to talk about, and they just didn't care, either.
Before anybody else could ask more questions about the wedding, Joanie opened her mouth to interject when Luther took it upon himself to weasel out of his tight spot by tossing her into the frying pan. Joanie's eyes widened as she stared at him wearing an expression that screamed "I will murder you" and "you are the biggest asshole I know."
The entire table gasped in unison. "You're seein' someone, Jaybird?"
"You didn't tell me!"
"What's her name?"
"Libby, that's inappropriate!" Mattie paused, looking from Libby to Joanie with a barely tolerant expression. "Though...if it is a she, that...that would be just fine."
Groaning, Joanie pressed a hand to her forehead and stared down at her pie. She was going to kill Luther after this. They would never find his body. "It's a he, so don't get your panties in a bunch. I might not be a debutante, but at least you know your little girl ain't no flannel-wearin' dyke."
There was an awkward pause at the table as Joanie snarled, stabbing her pie with her fork. Her father was the first to speak up. "So how long have you two known each other?"
Joanie sighed. "About a month."
Dolly looked up from her dessert, looking to Joanie tightly. "You always use protection, don't you?"
"Mom!"
She shrugged. "It isn't embarrassing, it's precaution."
Her father chuckled, taking a sip from his sweet tea. "We know all about that, don't we, Dollbaby?" He glanced to Luther with a knowing smile, gesturing to Joanie. "Our favorite little accident."
Luther didn't miss Joanie's looks and had to bite his cheek to keep from laughing as the table erupted. It wasn't that he didn't approve of Sam - he seemed fine so far, despite being a little paranoid when it came to him - but the crack had been irresistable to make. Besides, talking about Joanie's (existent) romantic life would be easier than his own.
He choked as they moved down the road to too-much-information. Coughing on his pie, he muttered a compliment on it before attempting to change the subject again. He didn't want any details on Joanie's procreation - and had a suspicion she wouldn't either. "This pie is really good," he spoke up. "They don't make things like this up in New York."
An elbow went on the table, hitting his plate. His instincts were good enough to move back in time but the propulsion led to it landing on Libby's chest. She stared in horror for a moment before erupting into hysterical screams.
Great.
Too little, too late. Luther's compliments on the pie were unnoticed by all except Sarah, who looked to him with an earnest smile. "You like it?" she asked, perking up. "I made the filling."
While her mother and father began to talk casually about how accident babies can be a real problem, Joanie looked over to Luther just in time to watch the single most glorious thing in the universe happen. The pie slice sailed through the air, splattering all over Libby's pretty little Sunday dress.
Everybody fell silent as Libby shrieked, arms flailing and face flushing red. Joanie clapped a hand over her mouth, eyes wide as she fought desperately to not laugh. Finally, she couldn't hide anymore. Dropping her hand, she began to laugh hysterically, the sound drowning out Libby's screams. All eyes fell on Joanie as she leaned against her elbow, cheek in her hand, and laughed until tears streamed down her cheeks.
At first, she was the only one. Then Eric joined in. It was a slow progression until they all were laughing, save for Libby. They were all so distracted by their laughter that nobody saw Libby pick up the pie from her chest and launch it at Joanie. It splattered on her face, mingling with the tears on her cheeks. Gasping, Joanie looked up, scandalized.
"Who threw that?"
Sarah giggled, which promptly earned her Joanie's pie in her hair. Mattie stared in horror as Sarah reached up, pulling the pie clumps from her hair and flung them at Luther.
Once Joanie began laughing, Luther couldn't help it. His was more contained, a chuckle as Libby finally got what she deserved. Being in a group that was made at ease by laughter helped things - Luther missed the pie throwing it was too late, reaching to grab Libby's wrist. Her look clearly said too late as Sarah's pie ended up in Luther's eyes.
Fuck.
He reached over for Dolly's pie with an apology, scooping it into little balls. They were fired in repetition at Sarah's forehead, Patrick's plate, Mattie's nose. Soon everyone was tossing the pie, the air filled with laughter and shrieking.
What had started as a normal, awkward, horrible family dinner erupted into something almost beautiful. There was more pie in their hair and on the table than in their stomachs, but nobody cared. In fact, it was almost preferable this way.
Everybody was laughing, just as much at themselves as one another. Finally, there was no pie left in substantial enough quantities to throw. It was all in smears, stuck in their hair and clinging to their clothes. Joanie dug a crumb of crust out of the fold beside her nose, dropping it onto her plate with a final laugh.
"Oh my," Mattie said finally, looking about and reaching up to feel the sticky patches of pie filling that had been ground into her hair. "I was not expecting that."
Eric chuckled. "The best things are unexpected," he said, finishing his drink.
"Very true," Patrick returned. With a grunt, he stood slowly. "If y'all don't mind, I'm just gonna take a minute. Change into some clean clothes."
Everyone else followed suit, and soon they were working on the cleanup of the hilarious, wonderful dinner.