Tegan Benton [Wendy Darling] (thimbledarling) wrote in bellumlogs, @ 2010-06-30 01:43:00 |
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Entry tags: | peter pan, wendy |
Who: Tegan and Nicky
What: Coma Dreams Log [Complete]
Where: Dreamscape
When: The day after the group plot? After this.
Warnings: Shmoopiness, some memory loss
Tegan knew that she wasn't awake. Though she wasn't quite asleep, either, she didn't think. Everything was black at first. Only sound. There was a beeping in the distance. Constant. Footsteps echoed in space along with voices that she couldn't quite hear. A rhythmic whoosh that made her think "in and out. in and out." Steady, like breathing. Whir and hum of mechanics. And somewhere, not quite close, the sound of a woman crying with another person there to comfort her. All this while Tegan remained in darkness.
After a while, the sounds started to fade as the blackness gave way to tiedyed color. She opened her eyes when she realized that they were closed, but the world looked strange, things not quite right. Was she dreaming?
She was home. Home from her childhood. She knew it was home, but it didn't look anything like the house she'd grown up in. No one was there, neither her parents nor her brothers. She walked through the space, searching for them. Searching for anyone. But she was alone.
Eventually, she sat down, suddenly on a hill under a tree. She waited because she didn't know what else to do. She felt like there was something she was supposed to remember - something important about being awake - but when she tried to think of it, her memory went grey and fuzzy. She pulled her knees up close to her chest, the old-fashioned nightgown wrapping around her legs.
When she looked down at the grass near her feet, there was a thimble resting there, sitting next to an acorn. They were hers. But also someone else's. She couldn't quite remember who, but maybe if she waited long enough, their co-owner would come to claim them.
Nick hadn't slept since the night he landed in Russia, which felt like more than four? five? days. It was hard to keep track when everything seemed to blur together. The lounger in the back of Edge of Petal was soft, though, and finally exhaustion had taken a hold after he closed the shop. He only meant to rest his eyes for a moment until Evie came, but his body shut down mercifully.
The dream was warm, inviting, and felt like a home. He loved dreaming -- the dreams being the one place he felt unburdened. Like he could fly and he just might. Nick took off in a sprint towards the house in the distance, leaping and suddenly off the ground. Not needing to be Peter to fly, but Nick himself.
When he reached the top of the hill, he saw the familiar girl beneath the tree. His landing was more of a tumble, stumble, and a fall in a heap near Tegan with a laugh. He's had this dream before, being with his Wendy. The thimble and the acorn in the grass proved it. "You know," Nick said mildly as he sat up, "That's how we kissed. Well, not us. But Wendy and Peter."
Tegan looked at the boy in front of her, startled at the stumble, but she smiled at him automatically. She should know him. His face was familiar, and he was here, where she felt safe. She looked down at the acorn and thimble before laughing softly.
"Are you Peter then?" She knew the answer. Somewhere. She just couldn't remember it. She paused, looking confused. "Am I Wendy? I thought I was Tegan..."
Nick looked at her carefully, his voice quiet as if he almost understood. "Do you remember me, Tegan?" He scooted closer on the grass, picking up the acorn and holding it out to her. "I'm Nicky? Your Peter?"
He didn't expect her to remember him. Not when you felt safe and ran this far in to your head. It had taken him years to come back out of his own.
She looked at the acorn in his hand, feeling as if this was somehow more important than just a little seed. Instead of taking it from him right away, she picked up the thimble and looked at it too. She smiled to herself and glanced up at NickyPeter. "We trade, don't we?" and held the thimble out to him as well before she reached her free hand to take the acorn from him.
She looked down to study it for a moment before she sighed quietly and shook her head. "I don't remember though. Everything was black before I got here. And now when I try to think about it, it's all grey in my head."
Nick gave her a little sad smile, taking the thimble from her and dropping the acorn into her palm. "It's okay," he told her, "You don't need to try to remember me if it hurts." He suddenly felt like how Jack and Evie must've felt when he went away. He reached out to gently tap her temple like she did to him in Russia.
"Hope it'll knock free on its own," Nick said with a little smile. His eyes were sad and serious despite it. "You don't need to worry though. I'll take care of things until you do."
Tegan blinked at the tap on her head, but laughed a little at it. The acorn in her hand was suddenly on a chain, so she slipped it on around her neck. "I hope it does soon. It seems like you should be someone I remember." She paused. "Especially if you're offering to take care of me. Only important people would be here and do something like that."
She stared off into the sky for a long moment, thoughts confused, and very aware of Nick sitting near her. Finally working up the courage, she bit at her lip. "I'm going to sit closer now. You make things feel safe." She scooted up next to him, tense for another moment before sighing and leaning up against his side.
Nick looked down at his hands at the thimble now on a chain. He slid it over his head to wear it around his neck. "I hope it does too," he told her honestly, "but I'm not that important. I'm just here to help."
He thought back to Russia again, how he had a chance to hold her for awhile. He slid his arm around her shoulders, letting her lean in to his side. "You'll be all right. It...it's not easy. Getting everything back. But you'll do it." He smiled a little up at the sky, "I'm willing to be here long as you need me."
Tegan curled up under his arm, angling herself more toward him and resting her head on his shoulder. "You are important. You wouldn't be here otherwise." She sounded so sure of it. "Even my family isn't here, but you are. And I'm pretty sure this isn't a nightmare."
A question struck her, and she peered up at him, not moving from her position because it was comfortable and warm. "...do you know my family?" She frowned, confused again. "Is everything okay with them?"
Nick gave her a little smile and a shake of his head, but didn't say much else for the moment. He wasn't as special as she thought he was. When she'd remember, she'd remember his failures, but for now he'd let her think what she liked. It was better to not upset her. "Your brothers are fine," he assured her, "I talked with them. I'm going to watch them while you're away."
Tegan sighed, knowing there was something he wasn't saying, probably about the things she couldn't remember, but she let it pass for the moment, closing her eyes and resting heavier against his side. "Alright. Thank you." She wasn't sure where she was going, or why she would be away, but it calmed her to know that he'd be there to take care of her brothers.
"Will you take care of me too? When I come back?" She didn't know what prompted her to even ask a question like that, but it seemed an important thing to know.
Nick rested his head on top of hers, holding Tegan quietly. "When you come back, I'll take care of you until the day I die," he said like it was an oath. Until she didn't need him anymore, he would be there.
"When you wake up, I promise I'll try to be there," Nick promised, giving her a tiny squeeze. He wondered if he'd manage it, but he wanted to be.
Tegan was glad that there was suddenly a giant chair under the tree for them to sit in, curled up and comfortable. She felt as if she could stay there for a hundred years. "I'd like that." It wasn't quite clear if she meant him being there when she woke up, or being there for longer. "I'd really like that."
She stayed quiet for a long time again, minutes and hours seeming to pass by in seconds, the sun in the sky moving along steadily. She finally broke the silence with a whisper. "Can we stay like this forever?"
Nick tucked up with Tegan, keeping her nestled close as they sat looking at the sky together. The clouds passed slowly across and Nick felt content for the first time in a long while. The quiet sort of content he'd get in the hospital when everything just seemed okay. He kissed the top of Tegan's head, closing his eyes for a moment and breathed her in.
"We can't," he told her sadly, "Because we're going to have to wake up."
She reached over to curl her fingers in the front of his shirt as she sighed. "I don't want to wake up yet. I think... I think something's wrong with being awake. I think that's why I can't remember things."
She turned her face more toward his chest, curling herself even smaller, as if disappearing into him might keep them in this strange place.
"You don't have to wake up yet," Nick assured her, "You can wake up whenever you want, but..." He hesitated before telling her, "I'm not always going to be here. I'm going to wake up too."
Nick didn't like seeing her so small and fragile. He gently rubbed her back and quietly, "I would like it if you woke up someday soon though."
Tegan stayed silent for a bit, then whispered. "I don't want to be here if you're not. It... thinking about it seems strange now." She sighed and curled closer to him, practically on his lap. It didn't feel strange to her, being this close to him.
He wished he could find words that worked, but it was hard to not upset what was a wonderful dream. "Sometimes, you need to go on by yourself. So you can face everything on your own terms," he said finally. "You can do it though. You're strong...my Tegan. My Wendy."
She sighed, though she didn't say anything at first. She didn't want to be alone, and she knew that there was something wrong that Nick wasn't telling her. Being called his, though. That made things a little better. "Will you be my Nick, then? ...my Peter?" She still wasn't quite sure how Wendy and Peter fit into things, but it seemed right. "And help me be strong?"
"If I can," he told her with a nod of his head. He wished he could explain things to her, but even he didn't know what to tell her. He finally hesitated enough to ask her, "Do you remember the building, Tegan? Bellum?"
The confusion in her hesitation was almost audible. She actually sat up a bit, pulling away from Nick just enough to look at him. "Bellum?" Her eyebrows drew together as she thought, searching for the name in her memory. The sun dimmed a bit overhead as a cloud passed in front of it. "...I don't." Her voice was barely a whisper, and she looked a little scared.
Nick's throat went a little tight, but he swallowed and continued, "Bellum, Tegan. The building. Our building we met in. After...remember? I woke you in your bed. After I had been in the hospital....because of D5. The torture." The sun was darkening, but he had to get through to her. "You've been hurt too. You're just hiding right now, but I can help..."
She reached out and grabbed for Nick's hand, looking for something to hold tight to. The sky was filled with clouds now, dark grey and looking like they held rain. "Is that why it was dark before I came here? Because I'm hurt?" She swallowed, her voice shaking a little, softer and rough, starting to sound like her throat hurt. "It's bad, isn't it?"
Nick held her hand tightly, keeping their hands entwined and he nodded his head a little. "You're hurt," he told her sadly, but he wasn't going to let her be swallowed by it again. He brushed her hair back and touched the acorn around her neck. "I wasn't there to save you," he admitted, "I'm really a terrible Peter Pan."
Tegan shook her head and reached her free hand to wrap around his, closing the acorn in both of their fingers. Her voice was still rough and quiet, like she was fighting to get the words to come out. "You're here now. And... if it's bad... I'm going to need you when I do wake up. You'll be the best Peter Pan for me then. I know it."
She closed her eyes and breathed out slowly, shivering a bit at something. "It was cold. When I was hurt. Somewhere it was cold." Faintly, almost inaudible at first, a steady beeping started off in the distance.
"Russia," he managed, having to prompt the memories scared him. "It was Russia, but it's over now. No one can hurt you again."
He didn't like the way she shivered, it made his nerves stand on end. He reached out for Tegan to gather her close, trying to will away the darkness. How could he will away her darkness, when he couldn't manage to make his leave? He was going to try. She didn't need the dark he had to carry. Nick pressed his lips to her forehead, "No one can hurt you here."
She shifted back toward him, practically climbing into his arms. She was suddenly cold all over, but Nick was warm, and he made the chill fade a bit. The beeping was still there, though, and getting louder. She didn't know what it was or how to make it stop. It stayed steady, rhythmic, and it took a minute for her to realize that it was in time with her heartbeat. She lifted her head, confused. "Do you hear that?"
Nick wrapped his arms around her, holding her close. He shook his head, he heard nothing but the wind. "No, what is it?" He asked her curiously, "What're you hearing, Tegan?"
Tegan frowned, the sky going a little darker again. "It's a beeping. I think... I think it's me. Where I am now." There were clouds on the horizon, so dark that they were almost black, and the other sounds from before were getting louder again.
The dream around them was fading, suddenly they were on the ground again rather than the comfy chair. Nick didn't want to go yet, not yet. He breathed her in, burying his face in her hair. He rubbed her back gently, "You're in the hospital. Where I can't reach you yet." He promised fiercely though, "I'll be there soon. I promise. I'll figure out a way."
The dark clouds seemed to loom closer and Nick shook his head. He took a shuddering breath and whispered, "I don't want to let you go back yet."
She reached up with both her arms, wrapping them over his shoulders and clinging as much as she could. "I don't want to go back yet either." She could hear talking now, though, a strange voice asking how she was feeling, talking as if they didn't expect an answer, but as if they were filling the silence.
She shivered again and closed her eyes. "Come find me soon, Nick," she whispered, and fell back into the blackness from before, sounds muffled and the dream gone.
Nick managed to tell her, "I will. I promise you." before it all faded away. He woke up with a start from his dream, sitting up on the chaise. He looked around in a daze, as if Tegan would round the corner and she would be all right.
Except she wouldn't. He knew that. The thought alone was enough to make Nick bury his head in his hands, sobbing roughly in to his palms. He didn't even notice the thimble still hung around his neck as he wished for his Wendy back.