The Slambook

On this page, tell Miss Slambook your problems and she will tell you what you should do about them.

MY EXAM PREDICTIONS:

Dempster Wiggleswade - Will pass, but not do as well as he'd like.

Demetrius Prod - Big fat FAIL

Stamford Jorkins - Pass with flying colours, of course

Emmeline Knotwise - Ha! We all know she'll have a nervous break-down in the middle of her exams and try and kill the examiner. STRAIGHT TROLLS.

Polylogarithm Vector - Moderately well, but not as good as she could've done...obviously she's too busy with her vibrator to properly revise.

Kaleigh Johnson - Pass, but only barely. Pregnancy does ensure that no boys want to come near her, hence no distractions, but pregnancy is a distraction in and of itself. But I bet she will do just marvelously in Defense.

Meaghan McCormack - Ha ha ha!

Desdemona Parkin - Average. Is too busy breaking up with her boyfriend in public to really concentrate.

Sunny Smythe - Pretty well, but held back by Elsie Belby's stupid desires.

Elsie Belby - Already admitted she doesn't revise - it's a wonder she can even write.

Augustus Pye - Who?

Apollo Tonks - Fail. Too busy sleeping around I'd bet.

Kristy Summerby - Too busy eating. Misses exams.

Octavius Pepper - Fail. The gay disease hurts your brain.

Laine Fletwock - Everyone knows she doesn't have a thought in her head that Barry doesn't put there. FAIL.

Dawson Hooper - Dumber than a bag of rocks. Outcome obvious.

Who did I miss?

The Honesty Game

Thank Merlin I practiced writing not slanty before I found this thing

So here are the rules: you see a person's name and you write exactly what you think of that person, honest-to-Merlin, no-holds-barred. It's all anonymous anyway, so what do you have to lose? Get it off your chest...tell them what you really think of them!

Current Mood: devious

Awesomest and/or most memorable moments of this past school year.

DISCUSS.

So here it is. Another entry in the Hogwarts Slambook. Perhaps I am yet another bitter teenager who feels that, by anonymously trashing my peers and aggrandising myself and my close acquaintances ('friends', you might call them), I will somehow gain a greater level of acceptance and respect amongst the student body. Of course, I will neglect to consider the idea that perhaps, once we get out into the real world, none of this will matter. By the time we finish (closer for some of us than others), nobody will care who was the most popular or had the most crowded section of the table at breakfast.

Perhaps I have an even more personal stake in the matter. Perhaps, say, the object of my futile adolescent affections has decided to waste his/her time canoodling with another. In this case, I will have failed to consider the fact that a month is a long time for a relationship at this stage, and the sex is always bad, if there even is any. I'd be better off waiting, but even then the majority of relationships fail anyway. I might as well just not bother. Besides, by writing malicious gossip about certain couples in here, what are the chances that things will turn out in my favor? The most I could achieve is to make others as miserable as I, and even that would be a stretch.

Perhaps I am simply unable to keep my stupid mouth shut.

What's the point of it all, I ask you?

I could give the boys some payback and suggest we do a proper arse rating. Or spread crazy rumours about other students. But instead I'm going to see if we can put anonymity to a good use.

So, Hogwarts, I'm giving you all a chance to share a secret. Tell me something that you that feel like you could never share with someone else if your identity was known. Get it all off your chest.

I don't know why Staci Ryan is so popular. I bet it's only because her brother threatens to beat people up if they're not nice to her. I mean, look at her icky brown hair. It's gross. Everyone knows that blonde hair is so much prettier. And her hair is the brownest of them all. Like poop. It's disgusting. Everytime I sit behind her in class, all I can think of is poop.

Oh, and that boyfriend of hers? Everyone knows he's pining over Elsie Belby. Now there is an attractive girl. Easily the prettiest girl in school, and her nungas are such a 10. Staci's are maybe a five. And that's being generous. And Elsie's so much smarter, too - she's a Ravenclaw. Staci's only a stupid Gryffindor.

Bet Demetrius wish he was dating Elsie right now. Too bad she's way too good for him. I mean, her nungas are a 10. He deserves a 7 at the most.

Has no one seriously done this yet this year?

Time to Rate the Nungas around the school.




And come on. No firsties. That's disgusting.

HOGWARTS! IT IS TIME FOR THE TRUTH TO BE REVEALED.

Professor Fairweather got fired because he’s in love with BOTH Kaleigh Johnson and Lizzie Gregson. Suzee Richards told Claudia Stebbins who told Arkie Philpott who told me that apparently there was an attempted kidnapping a couple of nights ago. Apparently the three of them are (or were?) CAUGHT in a love triangle that resulted into an epic night of shouting and VIOLENCE. He had wanted to ELOPE both of them, because polygamy is LEGAL in some countries! I suppose Lizzie and Kaleigh didn’t want to go through it and reported the incident to Professor Dumbledore. Both of them must be REALLY traumatised.



They’re BOTH pregnant with his child!!!



Speaking of which, my sources from Gryffindor has informed me that Heather Brown has been visiting the boys’ dormitory A LOT and then they saw her spending QUALITY TIME with our Head Boy. Considering her drama with Basil Watson and her ex-boyfriend (or current boyfriend???) Alasdair, we wonder how fickle a girl’s heart can really be. Maybe she just likes a GOOD challenge, especially since Dempster Wiggleswade seems to be lacking a social life. Either way, let’s hope there will be no eloping while they’re still in the school!

OH AND GILDEROY LOCKHART IS DEFINITELY TEACHING US D.A.D.A NEXT YEAR. I SAW HIM TALKING TO PROFESSOR DUMBLEDORE okay not really but Dawson will be so happy!! OUTSIDE THE GREAT HALL.

And as for Andy MacFarlan and Octavius Pepper… I’m SURE that Octavius Pepper concocted a Love Potion, so that’s why they’re still together. Andy MacFarlan is a NICE BOY. I don’t think he would go that far to make his friends get into trouble. We should ask Professor Snape to give him a proper cure because this is turning into a DIRE SITUATION.

I WISH people's relationships could be more NORMAL, like Dawson Hooper and Verity Pushpram. They are soooooooooo cute together!!!!


Finally, Deirdre Oglethorpe and Verity Pushpram have the BEST BLOND HAIR in the whole school. After Elsie Belby and Laine Fletwock, that is.

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Just when you thought it'd been tossed in the lake for good, you find this thing chucked into Myrtle's bathroom. It was a bit soggy, but nothing a good drying charm can't fix up.

But colour me stumped. I'll admit that I am a slambook newbie, and with the pl exams getting near, I've fallen out of the grapevine loop. I mean, there are always those old staples about Octavius Pepper has Sharkfin, how Donnie Donaghan Tremlett and Deirdre Oglethorpe have been sighted doing, you know, things, or how someone slipped Jessica Pucey a potion in attempts to stop her slanty writing. However, it's been quiet lately, and I'm afraid that everything I know is old news.

So. Instead I will bring you all the slambook. Now you all bring the rumours to me. Fill me in. What's the buzz, Hogwarts? Tell me what's happening.

Why look! It's the slambook!

I think I'll throw it in the lake.

I guess the rumors are settled then, yeah? What with Meaghan McCormack leaving the school, it was probably because she's preggers! Heh! I wish her all the friggin best. Even if the spawn is probably going to be certifiably insane.

Poor, poor spawn.

Can you really be un-gay? Maybe Legolas Because it looks like Andy MacFarlan is certainly trying, taking Haysel Proudfoot to Hogsmeade! Or maybe they're starting a "We Hate 6th Year Slytherin Blokes Club." Certainly have enough reason to.

Speaking of dormitories with problems (not that anyone can top that one), I hear there's some unrest in the 5th year Gryffindor Girls' dorm. Andrea Bell was seen shouting at Melli Robins, something about how Robins is neglecting her real friends. I would too if Bell called me a "shallow, callous pig."

Did anyone see Athena Tonks' spectacular fall yesterday? Tiffany Papadakis and Julie Peterson swear it was all Rebecka Harper's fault. Or was that Olivia...?

Staci Ryan and Demetrius Prod are no longer the Queen and King of PDA, or so it seems. It looks like Henry Hamlin and Elyse Arinna have just gotten their fifth detention for snogging in the corridors. Worst part about it all - they're Second Years. Disgusting.

Speaking of disgusting, I hear Stan Shupike fancies Cecilia Bobbin. Doesn't he still have bogies on his fingers? I wonder if he ever got the courage to ask her to Hogsmeade.

Speaking of Hogsmeade, seems someone is quite the bloke-killer. Anyone else notice how Dierdre Oglethorpe left with Octavius Pepper but came back with Donaghan Tremlett? Seems like someone won't be joining MacFarlan and Proudfoot's club.

And here we all laughed at the rumours that one of our own is expecting a new little bundle of joy. Aren't we stupid? Someone is, and I'm leaning towards it not being one Gladys Gudgeon. Is she even getting any? Though if anyone could figure out how to procreate without someone, she could.

There was the bit about Hestia Jones and Penrose but we should probably all put that bit behind us. We're not even sure he shags his own wife, let alone students.

Kaleigh Johnson spilled her guts quite literally for the world to see and has anyone else noticed that rack of hers might actually be getting even bigger? Bit hard to fly like that, you'd think. No word on who, if anyone, she's shagging, however. Awfully hard to make a baby solo. She should see Gudgeon about that.

Lizzie Gregson has been spending more time than usual with Apollo Tonks, the Menace to the Virginity of Hogwarts, but one would have to wonder if she was even a virgin at all. What do we know about that girl, really, she's been quiet for seven years. We think it's safe to assume who the baby's daddy would be, however.

Meaghan McCormack, on the other hand, is no stranger to us all, and I think the rumour mill has a very good idea who she's been shagging. She is, after all, the female version of the Menace to the Virginity of Hogwarts and seems quite proud of it. However, with such an impressive track record, you'd think she'd know to protect herself from unsightly sprogging.

There's Laine Fletwock, spending far too much time with Barry Ryan, who's obviously no angel himself. The question is how serious is Barry? Enough to shag her? Enough to give her the time of day? Enough for a long term commitment and baby makes three?

Let's not forget Heather Brown and her older man. Everyone knows you can't be with someone who's not in school without them wanting it. Maybe that's how she got him back. Everyone did always assume she was good in bed in order to hold on to him as long as she did. Maybe the baby is the next step to keeping him.

Someone has been making eyes at Kathryn McFarland lately, but the question becomes has she fallen for it? Did someone dupe poor innocent Kathryn into falling for them, only to leave her alone with no father to love her child? Or will he be a man and step up for himself?

Or, maybe, those stupid eggs weren't the only things Dawson Hooper was using to make Verity Pushpram feel better. I'm sure she's feeling very 'nice' now, eh? And here the rumour was that he wasn't even into girls.

It's safe to say we all know it can't be Poly Vector. She takes care of things like that on her own, it seems. I don't think her little friend can get her pregnant.

Or, there could be a lovely surprise and Agatha Timms could be breeding.

Who are we kidding? Half the students at Hogwarts could be 'with child'. The moral of the story is, pay attention in ELVES, little students everywhere, or you'll be popping out one of your own.

Hey there, Hogwartsians. Grapevine Girl here, bringing you the latest around the school, serving you all the dish you didn't know. Or at least, giving you the inside scoop of all the things you thought you knew, but don't know the half of. Let us reflect:

Do not be so quick to dismiss what E. Belby was telling you about A. MacFarlan and O. Pepper. While she saw things firsthand, there were others watching from the wings. It's a big stage with high rafters. Anyone could be watching, and someone was. Deny it all you want, boys. Grapevine Girl knows the truth.

And the truth shall set you free. At least, that's the song that H. Proudfoot is probably singing to herself, having finally dumped her reject mudblood of a boyfriend, D. Tremlett. Shoving him out the door the day after we all find out he's been lying, that he's actually a muggleborn. Harsh, Proudfoot. Perhaps this perky little Hufflepuff has secretly been harbouring blood-purist tendencies. Careful, M. Dukelow. If she's one to dump her boyfriend in his time of greatest need just for being a mudblood, I shudder to think about what she might do to you.

Since we seem to have a theme rolling here tonight, let's note something else that has been bubbling up backstage. Has anyone else noticed how close Twelfth Night's director, Professor P. Penrose, and his stage manager, H. Jones, are? Perhaps there is something more going on there than Ravenclaw's prefect would admit. And here we thought she was going to die a virgin! Poor Professor B. Babbling! Her husband got her pregnant, only to cheat on her with one of her favourite students!

Speaking of pregnancy, G. Gudgeon (the female, obviously), how far along are you now? Grapevine Girl wants to know when the baby shower is scheduled. Bets are still out as to who the father really is, but rumour has it that D'. Willis has been strutting about like he got some. H. Willis, methinks you need to remind your cousin to control his hormones and use protection.

And speaking of using protection, watch out S. Smythe. Grapevine Girl has heard that B. Williams has finally moved on from K. MacFarlan, and you are next on his list.

That's all til later, Hogwartsians. Until next time, I'll be watching.

I'm pretty sure my best friend is gay.

Proudfoot is better off without Tremlett anyway.

Well, that was an exciting exercise in democracy, but let's return to the tried-and-true traditions of the slambook, why don't we? For instance, Donaghan Tremlett. He tells us he's the son of a wizard who apparently died during the war — but have you ever heard of this person? We already know the mum is a Muggle. If the Death Eaters did away with the wizard father, why not her too? It doesn't make sense.

The likelier story? A very reputable source tells us that Donnie Tremlett has been lying to us for over five years. His father? Not a wizard. Maybe not even dead. But I suppose you can't really blame Donnie for lying to his peers this whole time. Who'd want it known throughout Hogwarts that they're a Muggleborn with a drunk for a father and a trollop for a mother?

You have to pity the poor bloke, really. Just imagine what Slytherin might do to him when they find out!

Let your voice be heard: Vote in this year's Slambook Superlatives!

The Rules:
As always, all years may vote and may be voted for in our mock elections.
Please nominate 1 boy and 1 girl in each category.
Despite the state of anonymity, please do not vote multiple times.
Likewise, please do not vote for yourself. If you truly deserve the title, the votes will come in.
If you feel we've missed a category, please add that to the end of the list, so that people can vote from there.

Thank you, have fun, and good luck!

Biggest bitch in the school!

Current Mood: over the top kinda

Why is Timms so big on eels anyway??

WORST PROFESSOR AT HOGWARTS

Current Mood: bouncy

Kaylee Johnson... LESBIAN?!?!?!?!??

Current Mood: amused

For Quidditch players: Barry Ryan's weak spot is the left hoop. All you need to do is fake middle first and he's history. Trust me, it works like a charm! And all it takes to distract Dirk Cresswell is a smile and a wink from a girl at the right time. The boy is too girl-crazy to stay focused on anything but girls when they're thrown in front of him, even during a match. sorrydirk

Laine Fletwock? Bottle blond. Have you seen her roots lately?

Marius Jugson definitely stuffs his trousers, if you can believe it. As if it's not noticeable when he's got a huge package one day, and not the next. Yikes!

Kissing Lucas Meriadoc is like dunking your face in a bucket of water. Honestly, he gives the phrase 'swapping spit' a whole new meaning.

But just for the record! Some of the better kissers in the school are: Aiden L., Stamford J., Kirley M., Joseph J., Apollo T., Dawson H., Charlie W., and Czeslaw S.

Let's hope this works!!

I saw this guy lurking in the shadows at Hogsmeade. I think he was a vampire. He was watching Polylogarithm Vector and looked like he was heart broken that he couldn't be with her.

There's a vampire at Hogwarts!!!! Maybe he's related to Professor Snape?!?

Dawson Hooper's cat is amazing! I just saw him armwrestle the Giant Squid and win!

The only people who complain about Valentine's Day are the ones who can't get dates and are bitter.

Hasn't anyone ever thought it strange just how close the two McCormacks are? I'd say so, at least.

There should be a rule against people writing in their journals really big. I understand if someone has huge handwriting, but really, it's rude to take up so much space in someone else's journal.

Gertie Wooster is one of the prettiest girls in Hogwarts, I just don't think she realizes it.

I think Quidditch is really over-rated, and more people should come see the Chess team play.

Corridors need to be bigger so they don't get so crowded during the day, same with stairwells and the Great Hall.



And, um, hm.

And I think that the people who write degrading things about others in this book are just really insecure about themselves. Or just crave attention, even if it's really negative.

So much for Laine and Barry being official. Did anyone else see her shoving her tongue down Jeremy Pucey's throat the other day? What a waste.

Speaking of the girls of Slytherin, Rebecka Harper confided in me that she has chlamydia and suspects she gave it to Octavius Pepper. Way to go, stud.

Also, someone's been stealing underwear from both the girls and boys dorms. Watch out boys. (I hear Barnabas Cuffe likes to iron his underwear. Possible fetish, anyone?)

Who would have thought it, but Kathryn MacFarlan has been putting those Lip Smackers to good use... with a professor. Fairweather has seemed in a good mood lately, hasn't he?

I heard Leah Abbott is so terrified of Deirdre Oglethorpe that she's petitioning to get moved out of Hufflepuff. Can't really blame her.

Most importantly: Agatha Timms was spotted snogging someone near the Charms classroom. Sniff everyone you care about for fish!

Breaking News! Barry Ryan asked Olivia Harper to Hogsmeade next weekend!

Apparently Dawson Hooper has a homosexual crush on Gilderoy Lockhart -- and who knows who else?! Watch your back -- I know I am.

Sources say Agatha Timms has a crush on someone in Ravenclaw... watch out for this one too!

Gladys Gudgeon has been seen going to the Infirmary a lot lately. Hope she didn't do anything too crazy over break..!

I heard that Barry Ryan and Laine Fletwock are official now! Too bad, she's hot.

Apollo Tonks and Meaghan McCormack might also be official. I guess she finds him more deserving than poor Dunbar Oglethorpe.

SLAMMING IS MEAN!!!

I am so glad people are being nice here!

Benny Davies is really cute.

Current Mood: embarrassed

Roger Davies always smells like Tuna.
Cedric Diggory is really super cute.
Maryanne wants to have 38 kids with Herman.
I like Dizzysaurss haircut.

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